Texts From Torchwood

A Captain, three bi-sexuals, and an ex-cop walk into a bar...

[textsfromtorchwood]

(620): Dude, what the hell were you thinking last night

(1-620): Welllllll basically they were like “challenge” and I was like “accepted”

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(612): Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL

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(317): I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date

[textsfromtorchwood]

(818): YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK

(512): i got me so drunk!

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(218): So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.

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(254): Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?

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(717): I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired.

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(918): Don’t read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I’m drunk and sorry for the confusion.

(423): Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?

(918): Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!

[textsfromtorchwood]

(217): There’s a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you’ll regret every second that you remember. 

[textsfromtorchwood]

(925): Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.

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(732): Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period

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(832): shots, cocks, socks. bingo

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(405): Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/texture, don’t taste it.

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(320): Yelled “don’t taze me bro” as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.

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(570): Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night

(1-570): Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphabetical order

[textsfromtorchwood]

(834): Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle

[textsfromtorchwood]

(716): I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else’s sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.