thankyouforyourletter.

when i was younger the internet wasn't about trying to form a following or make money or be some sort of famous. it was about sharing your heart and the life you've been living in your corner of the world. the love of it came from making friends who you felt knew you better than people you came across in the real world. the love of it came from having too much in your head and finally finding a safe space to store it all. from having people from around the world react to your stories with similar stories of their own. all i want is to write and get everything off my chest. i'm not using this blog as a way to judge whether i'm valuable as a human based on followers or likes or shares. i just have things to say. and now a place to safely say them.

[thankyouforyourletter]

012 :: large, light ice.

because of

fireflies. nesting dolls. pulling weeds for a pretty bouquet. goodreads. 1000 piece jigsaw puzzles. home sense. ace of base. three hour road trips for a shop at a sub-par target. cherry limeades. the softest sugar cookies. iowa. mcdonalds fountain diet coke. large, light ice. that tattoo on your forearm. flamingos. ingrid michaelson. that mug we made you for christmas one year. luna lovegood. that general feeling like something's missing.

because of these things, and hopefully more, i know you won't forget me.

[thankyouforyourletter]

011 :: a very private open book.

my brain has been so stuck lately. i've been wanting to extract my thoughts from my head for a while now but i have been physically unable to get myself into the position i am now. that being, sitting at my laptop for any reason besides work.

it shouldn't be this hard.

if i were to make a list of my favourite things to do it would probably include reading, and writing. knitting or crochet. embroidery. any number of other activities that make me sound forty years older than i am, quite possibly. it probably wouldn't include watching House while simultaneously playing happy colour on my phone for hours on end. but guess which i spend all my time doing?

i love writing. sometimes i just neeeeed to exorcise my headspace. i hope the five 'e's sufficiently express my desperation. my heart kind of hurts a bit sometimes.

i deleted my facebook and instagram apps. i was spending way too much time on them. also my insides felt sick when i'd see people moving on without me. mostly though, i just wanted my life to be entirely mine. known only by those who are actively participating in it.

then i can come on here and dump all my personal thoughts for any passing stranger to potentially stumble upon.

i love you, strangers.

i've decided to become a very private open book.

i'm not very good at goal keeping. my success rate at finishing things i've started is pretty low. i think it's that stuck brain problem i mentioned earlier. but i think i want to try to prioritize my word stories. like Sonder. i find words inspiring. i've had the next one spinning around for a little while. so. fingers crossed. i'll be back soon.

erin.

[thankyouforyourletter]

Sonder

I remember the time you told me to consider all the people in the world. going about their days. making moments and memories.

i remember kissing away the tear that escaped before it could slide down your cheek, as you realized you let the hole in your heart grow so wide it could swallow you up.

you felt so separated from all those other lives.

you carried your heaviness through the seasons. through doors of friends homes and coffee shops. i wanted to tear open my own chest and fill your heart with some of my heart.

every piece of me i offered, you gladly consumed. but there was no healing in my sacrifice. there was no way to show you that love is more than just not being alone.

so i left.

i became one of those people going about their days. making moments and memories.

separate from you.

- erin.

[thankyouforyourletter]

Letters I’ll never send Pt. 1

dear____,

i suppose you might be wondering why i didn’t go to your party. i didn’t want to bring it up because i didn’t want you to think i was mad or being petty. in reality, i only have love for you and not a single negative feeling when you enter my mind.

the fact is that i’ve just not been welcomed into this phase of your life. it’s not something i would’ve ever predicted five years ago. i always imagined walking closely beside you. but that’s not where we’ve landed. and again. i’m not mad at you for it. i don’t blame myself either. we’re just here living our own lives and im cheering you on from the background now.

i hope you’re still cheering for me.

you can’t begin to imagine how happy i am for you. i’ve always believed you’d arrive here and i’ve always believed nobody deserves this more than you.

but these parties… i don’t fit anymore.

i know there are times when you have to be uncomfortable for someone else’s sake, but you never let me know if my being there even mattered to you. and even though i’m not upset, it doesn’t mean i wouldn’t be so sad to be around my replacements.

sometimes losing someone feels like a breath of fresh air, and sometimes it feels like having the air knocked out of you. i’m still getting some of my breath back.

anyway. i love you. i want nothing more than to be involved in your life again as soon as you decide you’ll have me. until then i’m here in the back of the crowd clapping the loudest for all of your successes.

love,

erin.

[thankyouforyourletter]

010 :: a room full of strangers.

oh my goodness guys. hi. it's been a while. i mean very nearly two years can definitely be classified as "a while". that's a long time to keep my many devoted followers wondering what has happened to me.

the short answer is: oh so much.

but let's just skip ahead or this post will be forty five minutes of reading that nobody cares about. not even my most devoted reader: myself.

so what's going on with me now?

i did a big hard thing for my home body, being alone loving self. i've been settled in my safe&secure bubble for many years. but i signed up for a course that has me going from wild and free, empty days full of whatever leisure i want, to sitting in a room full of strangers trying to be taught skills that will make me a potentially valuable asset in a workplace setting.

i didn't even want this. i was just trying to help my dad out and thought i would be able to do that better if i took a course. it turned out to be a much more involved process than i expected. multiple interviews and an intake process that overwhelmed me to the point of hoping that maybe i wouldn't be qualified and i could get off by a technicality. i didn't. i got the acceptance phone call. and i had to get straight to setting my mind on being excited about what i was going to be learning, over the discomfort of what that might involve.

day one went fine. but still i woke up day two with anxiety. not wanting to go back. i just found it overwhelming to realize i had committed to three months of full time expectations. having to be up early and looking put together without an appropriate wardrobe. listen. even if i did have the clothes, i have no idea how to dress myself. i've never needed to. every morning this past week felt like i was struggling just to put clothes on my body. not the best way to start a day.

because this course is not only meant to train you on a specific subject, but also to prepare you to find you a job suited to you, we aren't just learning a skill and moving on. we're learning self awareness. self management. thought patterns. there'll be training on writing cover letters, resumes, and how to interview. ew. mock interviews. the piece i'm blocking out of my mind so i don't panic and crawl back into my cozy hole of comfort.

there have been plenty of moments over the past week, and weeks leading up to this past week, where i felt like maybe i'd gotten myself into something i couldn't convince myself to follow through with. while simultaneously understanding that backing out was not an option for me. it was time to remind myself that i'm strong enough. and brave enough. to do this scary new thing.

i successfully completed my first week. i've met people who i get along with incredibly well. i can see myself leaving this experience with not only skills and a potential job that has been vetted to suit me personally, but with friends too. which, if you've read any of my previous posts, is a pretty big deal for me.

erin.

[thankyouforyourletter]

009 :: rule follower extraordinaire.

i hate covid. and i'm so so sick of it. i'm sick of the polarizing opinions and worrying that my kids will get sent home from school again. i'm sick of getting a cold and feeling like a jerk when, testing negative, i still have to go outside because my life can't be put on pause because of a cold. i'm sick of so much. i'm sure you're all sick of covid too and i bet you have so many more reasons that could be added to that list. so do i.

but i have this thing that keeps cropping up every time i hear that some countries or parts of countries are loosening up their covid restrictions. it's not a fear of getting sick or of someone i love getting sick. it's a fear of what is going to happen when this finally goes away.

i remember how uncomfortable it was to adjust to covid. to have long stretches of separation from my friends and family due to quarantine. having so much information flying around that you couldn't keep up and definitely couldn't tell what was true. restrictions would be put in place and removed so randomly that it felt like whip lash.

but the worst part of all of it was the shift of relationships. one of my very important friendships fell apart because she took mine&my family's stance on vaccinations as offensive. and then took it personally, even though i promise it never was. i hate conflict and i hate confrontation and i'm very good at disagreeing with people and working damn hard to make sure our disagreements don't cause us to fall apart. she seemed to decide that it wasn't worth making it work. and now we're months out. i've done so much to try to broker peace, and it's made absolutely no difference to her. my olive branch has not been reciprocated.

so i'm tired of trying and i'm taking a break for a while.

i think where the fear of covid going away comes from is that there's going to potentially have to be a big awakening of what a bunch of babies we've been over this whole thing. we've been big selfish, whiny, "i'm right your wrong", babies. i can adjust to someone deciding they're bailing out of our friendship. but i'm not looking forward to any more attempts at repair because it's awkward and uncomfortable and now there's a new layer of "oh this is who you really are". i don't know that i need that in my life. right now i can hide behind covid and restrictions and family rules doing our best to follow government rules because even when they SUCK i believe they should have some element of respect. this does not always apply, obviously, but hi, i'm erin. rule follower extraordinaire.

i can't be sure this is coming across right. maybe i'm completely misinterpreting where my anxiety comes from any time i hear that we're moving in the right direction when it comes to this virus. maybe it's just that i have a deep loathing towards change and i've finally adjusted to this new chaotic world. so much so that any movement back to the old normal feels like new change and ew. no thanks from me.

for now, erin.

[thankyouforyourletter]

i know you’ve all been waiting on the edge of your seats for an update on my friend hunt. as i said in a previous post, my request to “hang out” had been sent.

yah she never got back to me to make any real plans.

internet, i promise, i am a really nice person to know.

for now,

erin.

[thankyouforyourletter]

well hi there. just woke up from having a dream of you. it’s been right around six years since we’ve had any contact whatsoever. subconscious, please feel free to just piss off if you don’t mind.

piss off if you do mind as well.

for now,

erin.

[thankyouforyourletter]

so has my apathy.

i'm considering the idea of starting a "what i love about my thirties" list on here. because i think everyone younger than thirty thinks the end of the world comes with it. when really entering my thirties kind of felt like a rebirth. i think i could make a good quality list of good things about it. but there's something that i'm not a fan of. i've probably never been a fan of this thing though. so i don't know if i can necessarily blame it on my age.

making.friends.

ugh. the worst.

when you're younger there's all sorts of opportunities to accidentally stumble into friendship with people. through school or work or whatnot. i stumbled into friendships with people when i met my now husband through myspace *cough*. i swiftly moved out to kelowna to be closer to him and made friends with the girlfriends and wives of his friends. easy peasy. otherwise, all my closest friends have known me since i was 7years old and up. they've known me through my dramatic teens years falling in love with every boy i met online. they've known me at my best most fun-loving self. they've known me through meeting a boy on myspace and moving province's away to give that relationship a go. i'm confident that, besides maybe one or two of them, most of these friends consider me mostly just ridiculous.

i want to say that covid messed up a lot of things for me. it has. but so has my apathy.

i don't chase people down. when i feel that loosening. that drifting of someone. i don't really fight very well. i can't imagine that feels good to them, but it's never because i'm happy to see them go. it's more likely because it just feels so exhausting. and i don't want to push myself on people. there's been a lot of shifting around the past year and a half and to be honest - i'm bored. i'm bored of the same old people who make me feel trapped in who i was. i'm tired of feeling like i can't be taken seriously because i'm being made to feel like i have to fit into the persona of my spazzy teenager self. i've come a long way since her.

i've been trying to force myself out of what is very much my comfort zone. that is, my family being friends enough for me. i'm grateful that i'm never especially lonely because my husband is rad and my mum and sisters make excellent friends. but i can feel a smidge of lack at not having friends outside that inner circle. so i've been messaging basic strangers to go for coffee with me. hoping that my biggest insecurities don't drive new people away and that i can be who i want to be with someone who doesn't know me as a flake with nothing real to bring to the table.

the offer to "hang out" has been put out there. i'll keep you posted on its progress.

for now, erin.

[thankyouforyourletter]

be my friend.

i have repaired all my broken up relationships. so now i have nothing to write about.

my head has been so quiet lately. i suppose that should be noted as a good thing. it's just that it's not a good thing when i all i feel like doing is going on here to whine about something.

what can i whine about... nope. everything over here is pretty quiet. ok. so instead i'll just talk about how i re-downloaded pokemon go and have been roaming around aimlessly all over my city feeling far too old and too conspicuous.

everybody i pass has got to be fully aware that the only reason i'm going for a walk is to hatch some eggs and take over gyms and take my snorlax for a stroll. why else would i be out there, anyway? why are THEY? hmm? definitely not because the smoke has finally cleared and the sun is shining brilliantly and there's a high likelihood that this walk will have us all stumbling upon a mother deer with her two sweet babies.

i have no problem fully admitting that i am somewhat of a dull human most of the time. that i am someone who goes along to get along and am very friendly and agreeable. upon getting to know a girl i used to work with she said that everyone must agree that i am very kind.

well i also don't mind admitting that i created this blog somewhat as a space to sound like a whiny, angry, and rather irritable person. because it's the opposite of who i try really hard to be in my face to face interactions.

i had a really lovely chat with the cashier at my nearby grocery store.

everyone should have a space where they can empty out their ugly thoughts. but if there's nothing ugly in there at the moment, then this space will have to also work as a spot to admit that i am really enjoying my pokemon go experience and if you want to add me as a friend, my code is: 8218 8745 3298

for now,

erin.

[thankyouforyourletter]

what i learned from the boy with the hole in his heart pt.1

i learned to appreciate how it feels to be loved even if that love isn't real.

or maybe what i really learned is that even if it wasn't real, i still felt loved and that makes it ok.

the only reason it makes it ok is because it wasn't intentionally manipulative. real or not real i think this boy thought he loved me as much as i thought he did.

sometimes we allow heartbreak to minimize what we experienced. having been heartbroken doesn't take away from having felt loved.

for now, erin.

[thankyouforyourletter]

i like to write these little blips. i've never really known what to call them. i have a bunch of them. i tried putting them on instagram, but when they started being seen by people i panicked. i deleted all my followers and made the account private.

it wasn't even negative attention i was getting. just attention in general. instagram attention specifically just makes me uncomfortable.

so maybe from time to time i'll put them here.

[thankyouforyourletter]

this gives birth to rants.

my least favourite thing a person can be is selfish. not because i myself am not, at times, selfish. but because i try really really hard not to be. and if i have to try so hard then so should you.

this comes after being woken up at 3am by extremely loud vehicles drag racing down our street. i have no AC and it's been offensively hot. so you deciding to be obnoxiously loud, forcing me to close my window and cut off the only access i have to any bit of fresh air to cool me off while i am attempting to sleep... this gives birth to rants being groggily written into my notes app in the middle of the night so i can later in the day write out said rant onto this page.

my irritation with selfishness, while already quite overwhelming, seems to grow exponentially when it interferes with my sleep.

sorry, but not really, for excessive use of adjectives throughout this post. they are both necessary and also not sufficient enough to describe my 3am state of mind. but they'll have to do.

for now, erin.

[thankyouforyourletter]

but jeez, so do you.

i've been feeling lately as though i've been stripped down to close to nothing. like all the people who i feel most secure around or reliant upon have been removed. all that's left is me. it's so raw. being exposed like this. i keep having conversations in my head about when i became someone unlikable. am i unlikable? i never thought so. i have so many flaws, so many shortcomings. but jeez, so do you. so does everyone.

i don't try hard enough. i love the idea of escape from hardships. let's hide. let's just accept that things are different now and hide away from a solution. do i even want a solution? maybe not all of the time.

have you ever lost something or someone and felt like for the sake of your security blanket you want them back? but for the sake of all the reasons they were semi-toxic you'd like for them to just keep their distance? what a tricky position to be in.

i crave boredom and routine and days passing mindlessly. if there's conflict of any kind, even in the furthest reaches of my mind... oye. no thanks for that.

i was raised in a "keep your mouth shut and maybe it'll pass on it's own" sort of household. but now i'm 34 and realizing that it doesn't pass. not always. sometimes. not every time. and honestly even though i hate dealing with shit. i am so. so. sick of keeping my mouth shut.

hiding? absolutely. yes please i'll take some of that. but listen. i've been pushing stuff down and moving forward for the sake of peace for nearly my whole life and at this point if you cross me i can almost guarantee my mouth will not remain shut.

for now, erin.