that-tayla.com

// 21 year old girl. blonde. excited. random. movie queen.

[that-tayla]

So I'm not gonna lie, I Googled 'dinosaur sex' tonight. All I'm gonna say is it wasn't pretty...

Oh, That Tayla

[that-tayla]

Oh, That Dousche

So I have an ex boyfriend. Who doesn't? But thinking about Movember got me thinking about this one day I went to my ex boyfriend's house. So I walked in the door and said hey, and then I was all "guess what I did today?" We got talking and I explained that I had gotten a wax, but you know, the good kind. In response he was like "Woah! Did you wax your moustache too?" Before I could even reply he had already continued with "oh wait, no you didn't," in a sulky tone. Gee thanks man. I've always wondered if he did that on purpose or not. Dousche. - Oh, That Tayla

[that-tayla]

Man I love Taylor Swift

[that-tayla]

I used to love it at school when kids who caught the bus used to rub it in my face that they got to socialise everyday after school with their bus buddies. My mum used to pick me up everyday, so my response was always "yeah, but my parents love me". Nailed it.

Oh, That Tayla

[that-tayla]

My new thing is waving my hands around in the air whenever I don't care about something. No one has picked up on the joke yet, they just think I'm psychotic.

Oh, That Tayla

[that-tayla]

Oh, that dribble

I've always had this crazy ability to be able to talk and talk and talk. Sometimes I talk so fast that my mouth can't keep up with my brain and I sometimes dribble. It's as if my mouth loses all control over it's muscles and just lets saliva mosey on out. I'd say it's embarrassing but I guess I'm to the point where I have so many embarrassing things happen to me daily that it doesn't even bother me anymore.

Now, I'm sure this happens to at least one other person, so here are a few tips to dribble in cognito:

Tip 1:

If your brain reacts pretty quickly to the fact that your starting to dribble everywhere, just slurp that shit back up. If any looks at you weird you can just say you like the taste of air and often inhale it sharply.

Tip: 2

If you dribble and someone else is in close vicinity to you, all you need to do is the ol'e 'cough and wipe'. How it works is you pretend to be choking and cough about 4 times, as you casually cover your mouth there's time to wipe up any dribble that is on your chin. Now if by chance you hit your clothes, you're on your own.

Tip 3:

Unfortunately this has happened to me multiple times, dribbling on the desk/surface in front of you. Now if this happens. If no one sees you can just do a casual 'lean on the desk while wiping off the drool'. However, if people see I've been known to look up towards the roof and say "is it raining? That's weird." Then change the subject. If that doesn't work, then blame the ducks. It's always the ducks.

[that-tayla]

Oh, that glass house

Sometimes I wonder if the guy who made up that saying “people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones” learnt from experience.

But sometimes I also wonder whether the guy who said the kettle was calling the pot black actually had a black kettle.

It turns out, kettles have been in existence since the 1600s. So what if this guy was just chilling in the 1600s with his brass kettle and thought, well that’s the kettle calling the pot black. But maybe he legitimately was allowed to call the pot black because they were different and he was feeling particularly judgey that day. Bet you didn’t think of that huh?

I generally am against using either one of these sayings when someone is being a hippocrite, and like to stick to an amusing combination of both.

So I’m just all, ‘I feel like there’s some pots and stones and kettles and glass houses going on here.’

[that-tayla]

Oh, that religion

So I have been thinking about religion a lot lately. What irks me is that no one back in the day ever thought, wait a minute, I’ve never seen water been turned to wine. I’ve got this new theory as to how the whole ‘God’ concept came about. I mean imagine if it was all by accident and some guy was just joking around.

One time there was just this guy who had a friend that was dying. And the friend was all “I’m really scared.”

And so the guy was just like “it’s gonna be fine. Nothing to worry about. Cause um….well there’s this guy, named um…God? He’s kind of the man…and he has this place in the sky that has lots of clouds called….heaven…and you get to do all kinds of cool shit up there, like spit on people and stuff. “

So then someone over heard and passed the message on and so on so forth until everyone in the entire town was asking about this place. So then they all came up to this guy and asked him more about this ‘heaven’ place.

So he continued; “well if you’re good then you get to go there”.

The townspeople asked what happens if your not good and he was all “um…you go to…hell?”

After he had finished answering all of their questions they were like…what’s your name?

"Jesus".

[that-tayla]

My boss sent this to me and said it reminds her of something I'd say. Sounds about right. I like that shit!

[that-tayla]

Tonight a lady came up to me and told me I had great facial expressions....I'm choosing to take that as a compliment.

Oh, That Tayla

[thycrofts-deactivated20151023]

Dear Millionaires….

[theo-lily]

and also a big spiral staircase. and fireplaces and comfy chairs and window seats.

[that-tayla]

My sister loves her books...although she's gotta point, I'd also vote on having indoor scooters so you don't have to walk around your house and a walk in wardrobe like the one on sex and the city. Oh millionaires, when will you learn.

[that-tayla]

Oh, that old chestnut

So today my workplace was broken into. It was kinda weird actually, the burgs smashed a four thousand dollar window just to steal a flat screen tv. I feel like he or she must have been a rookie burg, simply because they failed to steal the other two TVs in the house. On top of that, there was a much better tv in the other room. I mean if your going to steal, at least do it right. I had to ring the cops to report it, and I was like 'Hi, I'd like to report a murder-i mean robbery'. The lady on the other end of the phone said 'nice'. At least she didn't arrest me.

[that-tayla]

I applied for a volunteering gig the other week. I had to give references so my boss, who is also my best friend got a call and had to describe me in one word. Apparently his exact words were: “Oh, definitely ‘passionate’ but about everything”.

Oh, That Tayla

[that-tayla]

Oh, that dad

So my dad was just sitting there in ‘his’ chair as usual, but I couldn’t help but look at him and think that something was different. I let it go and went about my business until later when I walked back past him sitting in his chair and stopped and looked at him again. Okay, something was definitely different. Then it dawned on me. He was wearing pants! That may sound weird, and believe me, it’s even weirder than you could possibly imagine. But he’s not really a ‘pants’ sort of guy. Like he just doesn’t enjoy pants and never has.

He usually wears shorts. And almost never wears undies. You might think it’s sick that I know this, but it’s only because he has his own version of that ‘undies’ saying. You know? ‘No undies sundy’. Implying that every Sunday, is an undie-free day. But when someone would say ‘hey, it’s no undies sundy,’ my dad would be all, ‘pfft, no undies everyday.’

When he’s not wearing shorts or (on occasion) pants, he’s wearing boxer shorts. You know, those silky boxers that we all have that feel amazing…if you know what I’m saying… ;). So anyway, those boxers are his ‘go-to’ when he doesn’t feel like wearing shorts.

Now there’s one other exception, night time. When he isn’t wearing any of the above, he has been caught many a time (unfortunately and sickly enough) wearing his birthday suit. Apparently he only ‘tolerates’ shorts and boxers, and would much rather free bird that shit. All I’m gonna say is, couldn’t you wait ‘til we move out before letting ya bits run wild? It may be a jungle out there, but not in my house.

[that-tayla]

Sometimes I think back to when I was a kid and realize that people must have been really impressed by me. And if they weren't then why the hell not. I was awesome.

Oh, That Tayla

[that-tayla]

Oh, that soapy goodness

I really enjoy liquid soap. I just think it’s the best kind of hygienic fluid. It smells amazing usually, and your hands feel so clean when you finish drying them.

I’m just saying that if I was a kid now and my mum was all ‘say that again and i’ll wash your mouth out with soap,’ I’d probably be more of a dick just for an excuse to eat liquid soap. I say I’d need an excuse because you can’t just go around eating liquid soap all day for no reason. That would be weird.

[that-tayla]

Oh, that donor

So today I became an organ donor. I just woke up and thought, you know what I’ve always said i'd do but never gotten around to? Registering. So I did, I got on my iPhone and typed in organ donation. And I filled out the form with my details.

Then I got to the part where it said ‘what organs would you like to donate?’

So I ticked ‘yes’ to heart, lungs, heart valves, kidneys etc. Then I got to the part where it asks if you would like to donate skin and corneas….I don’t believe in god or whatever, but if there is an afterlife, I’m pretty sure that the conditions of entry are similar to those of night clubs. If I can’t get into a club without wearing clothes, how the hell am I gonna get into heaven without wearing skin? Hell (pun intended), I won’t even be able to see that they aren’t letting me in because I WON’T HAVE EYES! Stupid heaven.