We’ve all seen some version of this. But here’s how I write it, with the most important at the top:
submissive needs
Dominant needs
Dominant wants
Dominant whims
submissive wants
Submissives First
In my mind, this is the only way it works. The submissive’s needs have to be managed first. Without those met, the submissive cannot let go and submit. When submissives have to devote energy to managing their needs and their Dominants’ needs and wants, it’s too much. Submissives have a tendency to put their Dominants first (and often, everyone else). So in the end, they suffer. They cannot do it all. And when they try, they wilt. Dominants must understand and work to fulfill their submissives’ needs. Or the whole hierarchy falls apart.
But submissives have responsibilities here, too. First, they need to know what they need. Not want, but need. Second, they need to communicate about their needs—to help their Dominants check the gauges and rebalance when necessary. If you don’t truly know what you need, you can’t expect your partner to know.
…But Dominants First, Too
The other thing is that I don’t think submissives should see their needs as coming first. In an ideal relationship, submissives put faith in their Dominants to care for their needs, and they focus on their Dominants’ needs. If you can’t let go of putting your needs first, then you aren’t really giving up power. Communicate. Share your needs, and have meta discussions about them. Then let go. Trust. Lean in with your submission by putting your Dominant’s needs first. Focus on what they need. Let that guide you at all times. With submissive and Dominant both putting one another’s needs first, the dynamic flourishes. It deepens, and it takes you places you never knew existed.
Why Whims
Why do Dominants’ whims come before submissives’ wants? Why are they on there at all? At least for me, explicitly putting my Dominant’s whims above my wants is a reminder of what it means to be owned. And I need to feel it sometimes. I need to know that my Dominant has no need to justify decisions. I plug my ass in the middle of the workday when told. I drop what I’m doing to complete a task. I deny my orgasms at the last minute. That is what it means to be owned. No other reason required. I need to know that my needs come first, but I also need to know that my desires come last. Very, very last. This is what my slave heart needs—not just in theory, but I need to see it.
For me, this is the fundamental structure of a D/s relationship. Different relationships may structure it differently. M/s will likely be different from DDlg, and the hierarchy may shift as two people build their dynamic. But the hierarchy makes a big impact on the dynamic. It’s not just the stated hierarchy; it’s the hierarchy reflected in your actions. How do your actions reflect your priorities? And does that create a dynamic where both partners can thrive?
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