The ADD dad

Just another new dad, struggling with life(long) headfucks whilst trying to be the best. Well, at least I can be honest about it! Photojournalist by trade.

[the-adhd-dad]

Attitude of Gratitude (or lack of):

I'm starting to feel that this may be a form of abuse? I certainly feel abused by it... Lack of gratitude, that is. Because I guess, well, it's a form of disrespect and punishment.

Coming up 4 years soon - still locked in this toxic, codependent "relationship" - with no sight to an end! I have killed myself, constantly, dragging my knuckles on the ground - 3 years for her and almost 1 year for her and OUR son - more than ever before, I have dug the deepest depths of energy reserves until the oil well runs dry, and then on to the next. A few breaths from death's door - gasping for air - but a spit in the face is what I get! "If it wasn't for me" I constantly hear myself thinking but to say it out loud you'd think a murder was committed. Apparently appreciation stops existing once you fall out of love? The thing is: maybe everyone believes they are doing EVERYTHING all the time and the focus is so solely on "me, me, me" that it's impossible to have gratitude because you can't even see further than your own eyelashes? Back to acceptance this is. Accepting that someone is so selfish, self-absorbed, self-centred and well pretty frankly, just a c**t!

So should we learn to accept this as our own responsibility?

Well... You can. But right now, f**k that, I have seen red and it's too long a' way back.

[the-adhd-dad]

The fact that so many of our offspring lose the right to a father or mother, purely through our own ego's and selfishness, is an extremely painful pill to swallow...

But I can honestly see how, a lot of the time, it feels like the only way out of a desperate situation..

[the-adhd-dad]

And here we are...

What appears to be a calm, healthy, happy family? Possibly for the most part, that could be true - at least that is the kinda strength we must show, as example setters/parents..

But deep down there is so much tension and pain - speaking for myself, I can only. Man, co-parenting is tough! It's like all those many years/months/memories of hard work you have put into trying your best to maintain your relationship now count for nothing. Because if you can't sync and work with the other parent of your child then you feel worthless. Everything you want to now enjoy (although I didn't want it at first) becomes nothing but a tiresome task - mostly because it's always a battle with the other half, of what is supposed to be a symbiotic relationship, right?

I am a super dad! One of the best there is (no doubt in my mind on that), but at times like these I feel more like I may as well not be, maybe it'd be easier if I left it all to mum to do her way (though I don't always agree with that)?

I think this is about attachment and attachment is what starts wars. Attachment to "perfection", to right and wrong, or simply just to feeling like a good person. Whichever we believe, attachment must be loosened in order to ease friction. However, saying that is of course, the easy part. The real question is; how does one truly let go of attachment whilst alive / is death the only TRUE separation or freedom from the nasty attachment that exists??

[the-adhd-dad]

Blowing Bubbles...

Just a little thought I had whilst bathing (as you do) tonight with the little one:

EXPECTATIONS

Who is it that decides on the scale of succession and where about's we rank on it? Especially as parents - we know that we will spend many of the first precious years being told what to do and how to do it - by parents that were once parents many many moons ago, which apparently qualifies every single one of them as a head teacher in parenting, even if we start to realise that actually we really don't agree with the way in which we ourselves were once (upon a time) raised!

At the end of the day, the point is, who are we doing this for? Who are we trying to please so bad that it upsets us?

Well the realisation is that it is only our precious offspring that matters in this equation. Everyone else isn't affected by our parenting choices - unless they choose to be..

And it's up to us to choose to not be affected by expectations and "the way things should be done",

They will be made in the best interests of my son only - nobody else! I will NOT "live up" to anything as I do not have to 'live up'. I've already spent far too many years "proving" things... To no avail. No matter how good, how accomplished, how high - does not matter.

We are the bearers of our own and it's our responsibility and so forth our own (instinctive in my opinion) decisions that matter.

In this stage of life all that matters is my boy.

[the-adhd-dad]

Hearing Things?

This is more a recent realisation:

9 months in and you'd think you get used to the uncomfortable, piercing sound of your baby crying...

Yet it's worse than ever, so much so, that now I am constantly hearing him distraught even when I know he is sound asleep.

I guess this is normal? Actually in my world, apparently nothing is normal, go figure..

Anyone else??

P.s. the time is currently 1.53am GMT

[the-adhd-dad]

9 + 9

Ideally, I would've liked to have been able to write the weight off my shoulders 18 months ago, when I had the news... Now I have a 9 month old son and I am not sure too much about what has happened between this, and then.. So I am starting from here. This is fucking tough.