The Cul-De-Sac

Welcome to the mind of the Cul-de-sac, enjoy your stay

[the-cul-de-sac]

I write from a place of great emotional misery, as I get better I am scared I will lose what fuels my mind. I thrive on my own pain and I don't want to lose my ability to think deeply. Am I really me if I can't express myself in my writing?

[the-cul-de-sac]

I find myself in a cycle. I find someone, I start to trust them, I tell them everything about me. I get scared that they don't trust me the same way, so I distance myself while telling myself is for my protection or to test if they care about me. They forget me. I find someone I start to trust them. I tell them almost everything, only leaving out what I think made me push the last person away, then I push this person away to while wishing I told them everything. I find someone, I start to trust them, I tell them less than I did the last person. Every time I do this, I feel like I lose a part of myself in that person. They forget me but I remember them. Every single one of them they are a part of me that I have lost forever. I feel like I'm running out of pieces of myself to give away

[the-cul-de-sac]

I've always heard that people with depression seem to "get better " before they off themselves and I've always thought, and heard people say, that its because they want people to remember them happy or that they've already made the plan and its a weight off their mind or something like that. But it occurred to me today that for some, it could be that they are making a push to "fix" themselves. Doing all the things they think should make them happy. Hanging out with friends, working out, being more proactive at work, etc. But doing all that at the same time all at once adds so much that they crack, and then its all over. They tried so hard to "fix" themselves that they ended up breaking themselves.

[the-cul-de-sac]

Emotions cone to me like flash bangs. Sudden and disorienting. They make my muscles seize up, and they overwhelm my mind, and then they fade, but they leave me confused and dazed. Left with ghosts of what i felt wondering if they were truly that intense or if I am remembering them more heightened than they were. Sometimes, I get them back to back. Sometimes, I only get one that is easy to control and push away. It's always a shock, then a brief struggle to regain control.

[the-cul-de-sac]

I don't know why I feel the way I do. Like I'm not worthy of the life I have. Like my small mistakes mean I am horrible. I know I'm objectively a good person. I know that people see me as a good person. But I feel like I am horrible. I can't let go of my mistakes, but I easily forget the good I do. I can't take the compliments. I brush them off saying "yeah I try." Why can't I just accept that I am good. Why do I wish people would see me as horrible as I see myself. Why can't I be happy? I just want to be happy. I just want to be normal. Why can't I trust my friends enough to tell them all this? I post it anonymously online so easily, but if I try to tell someone in real life, I close up and see it as a burden. Yet I expect everyone else to tell me their problems as though if I can fix their problems I can feel better about myself but it doesn't work it never does I just wish someone could fix me like I try to fix everyone can't someone just help me

[the-cul-de-sac]

I still remember the freckle on your eyelid, but not what eye its on. I remember how your sounded, but not how it felt. I remember after you cheated and we were still trying to be friends and I hugged you. I remember after we hugged your friend I didn't know pulled me aside and told my they could see the love in my eyes. I don't remember how I felt. I remember the night I found out... we were cuddling in your bed and your little brothers friend came in and asked why you were cuddling me when you kissed his brother earlier. I remember so much about us. So much about you. I'm glad you are happy now and have a family. But god do I wish I could still talk to you. Do you remember me? Do you think of me? Do you regret hurting me the way you did? Part of me wants you to remember me and feel guilty for hurting me. But another part...

I once promised you that i would love you until the day I day. I promised you that no matter what I would always love you that my love for you would grow every day. I keep my promises.

[the-cul-de-sac]

People need me. People would miss me. I haven't lived for myself for a long time. I live so others wont be sad at my absence. I live so others wont wonder if they could have helped. I do not know how long i can live for others. I usdd to think living for others is better than not living. But I'm starting to wonder at what point my nedds outway theirs. How much of my misery is worth their happiness. At what point can I quit. At what point can I be free. At what point can I stop..... i fear the point is coming

[the-cul-de-sac]

Love is an addiction. You get a first sweet taste and an amazing rush. You feel on top of the world like you can do anything with your person beside you. And without realizing it you get used to it its less potent, causes distance in the relationship because you both feel like the other is pulling away but they aren't your just used to it. Someone one of you will try to find another source to help get that same rush. But when that happens the other person is suddenly cut off and feels horrible they want to throw up and scream they'd do anything to feel that love again but its gone. Unlike drugs tho, the withdrawal symptoms dont go away they stay and fester and make you feel so alone until you find another source

[the-cul-de-sac]

I fight the feeling everyday. I try to drown it out muffle it ignore it. It always comes back. Some days just ignoring it works, I'll forget its there sometimes for a week or two. But it'll always come back that nagging nasty clump of feelings that make me want to cry and scream an rage and sob. Makes me want to hurt myself and anyone around me if only to make them see how much I hurt how much I keep hidden. So I drink, but only enough for people to not worry about me. So I smoke but never before or at work because I cant get fired. So I watch shows or read books to distract myself from the feelings, but i have to be careful the shows don't trigger an episode.I am so scared of losing this fight. So scared of what I'll do if I cant fight it... all it takes is a moment of weakness, a moment where I let go, and it'd be over. Im so tired of fighting myself. So I write on this blog.... when it gets real bad. Because its only when my mind it so full of the fear of breaking can I write. I hate writing I've never liked it at all but it seems to hold it back when nothing else can. Lets see how long it lasts this time.

[the-cul-de-sac]

The more I try to get help the worse I feel about getting it, people have it way worse than me but I'm here complaining. My life is relatively easy why do I feel like such shit. I should be happy so why am I not. I know my life could have been better but it also could have been a whole hell of alot worse.

[the-cul-de-sac]

I do not have a license, I do not have a gun, I do not have pills. I don't have these things not because I don't want or need them, but because I cannot trust myself with them. I don't trust myself to not turn the wheel into a tree. I do not trust myself not to pull that trigger one lonely night. I do not trust myself to not take the whole bottle. If I have the option i know one day I would, so I don't give myself that option.

[the-cul-de-sac]

Always.

This was not sudden, this was always.

I have always love my family and friends.

I have always kept my promises, even the hard ones.

I have always known this was coming, some of you did too

This was always my end.

This was always what I fought against.

I was always scared of this but did my best to fight it.

The end is always coming but it doesn't always have to be scary.

Always love me.

I will always love all of you.

[the-cul-de-sac]

Do you think of me? I don't mean occasionally or for a second. I mean do you think of me like i think of you, can bearly go a day without a single thought that then turns into the rest of the day. Do you see me in everyday life like I see you? Can you hardly enjoy music or tv or books without thinking of me like I do you? Do you try to stop thinking of me only for me to consume your mind to the point you want to cry and scream and run just to drown the thought out. I think of you and its slowly killing me.

[the-cul-de-sac]

Had a dream about you, in your old apartment where we met, bjt we were as we are now, you in a relationship with a family, me there for some birthday or something. You kissed me and it hurt me, hurt me to think that what you did to me taught you nothing, you still were out there cheating but this time i was the secret. I told you you had to tell your man... I'm proud of myself because i know i want nothing more than to be with you. But never like that

[the-cul-de-sac]

I never...

I never stopped thinking of running my fingers across your back the night we admitted our feelings. I never forgot the freckle on your eyelid that I got to see whenever I made you laugh. I never stopped loving you even though you broke my heart the hardest. I never stopped thinking about you and how you hurt me. I never stopped wanting to see you again.

[the-cul-de-sac]

The full moon has always calmed me, looking up at it give the feeling of looking into a loved ones eyes I feel safe knowing it will always be there a constant in a world of flux

[the-cul-de-sac]

The full moon has always calmed me, looking up at it give the feeling of looking into a loved ones eyes I feel safe knowing it will always be there a constant in a world of flux