THE NERDY BIRDIES

Illustrations by Kristin Smith

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The Nerdy Birdies no. 4: American Flamingo. The American Flamingo is most known for its distinctive color and weirdly jointed skinny ass legs. The females are the types of bitches who can throw down several hundred meals an hour and not gain a pound. Prone to travel in large numbers, the females are often high maintenance to deal with and courtship can drive male flamingos out of their bloody minds. Plagued with only breadcrumbs of text messages and broken promises of romantic evenings, the males cling to the sides of their love interests with great intention. Many have to succumb to promises of jewelry and large salaries to have a glimmer of hope of getting one into bed. Coming soon to a station near you: the real flamingos of beverly hills. Sure to be a real domestic thriller.

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The Nerdy Birdies no. 3: White Breasted Nuthatch. The white breasted nuthatch is a creeper of a bird, able to position itself however necessary to spy on its love interests. This birdie got made fun of so much in school because of its peculiar name that it developed a call that sounds like it's laughing back at you—avian psychological analysts believe this is a defense mechanism to protect its fragile little ego. Much like most unpopular and hideous birds in their youth, this little birdie grew up to be stunningly gorgeous and has proven to be far more successful than the idiots who made fun of it growing up.

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The Nerdy Birdies. No. 2 is the eastern bluebird. The life of the party, this little nerd is the state bird of both Missouri and New York. Some of them wound up going west because the flock fell asleep drunk while on the train in New Jersey and never found their way back. Western eastern blue birds are going against their usual diet of insects and fruit and have gone vegan recently, much to the chagrin of the bird community. Plagued with questions such as, "where will you get your protein and source of vitamin wing?", the birds spend their days on electricity wires to escape the questioning.

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The snowy owl lives in the frigid ass cold weather in north america and the arctic circle. Unlike most owls, they get their butt out of bed in the morning to go eat their food. Because they are acclimated members of society with normal day jobs, they tend to choose professions such as bean counting. And because they sit around all day waiting for critters to run by, they are fattys and weigh the most out of all north american owls. Hates snowboarding. Prefers the ground to trees.