[phantomgrape]

ITS OVER GUYS, THE WAIT IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!

[edettethegreat]

rip magnus archives crew but I'm built different. if my boss was literally all-knowing and couldn't fire me, I'd be in his office all day asking him questions about everything. I wouldn't use google anymore. I'd be like "what's the rarest kind of tree frog" and he'd be like "shut up please shut up" but he'd tell me the answer every time.

and then I'd go home and immediately call him and be like "hey elias I forgot what time I put the burekas in the oven, how much longer should I leave them in"

and he'd be like "I hate you so much. you put them in 12:42. they should come out at 1:12"

[machine-unlearning]

When I (M29) was a young boy (M7) my father (M35) took me into the city (X167) to see a marching band (M23, M21, M22, F22, M24, M25, F21, M

[machine-unlearning]

He said “Son (M7) when you grow up (F33) would you be — wait what”

[benzohoarder]

[figural]

#google translate does not capture the tone switch so i have to say. first two sentences are like. normal maybe kind of feminine posting tone #& the last is like. shounen manga protagonist. action movie hero. jojo's bizarre adventure character. #the tone you would use if you were holding a gun with the safety off (– @chadlesbianjasontodd)

[kasaneteto]

im getting really fucking sick of all this “it gets better!” bullshit. im going to have depression for the rest of my life. it’s not going to “””get better””” fuck you

[kasaneteto]

i have really great news guys, despite it all

[scootsyboots]

[thehummingbirdsmatter]

I love when a meme gets so many steps away from its source material that it would be completely incomprehensible if I didn't know what today's date was

[gcballet]

Witches Abroad (1991) Terry Pratchett

[allpiesforourown]

I think Wilson is my fav character because he's just as insane as House you just don't notice it because he's nicer. House will say some crazy shit like "I'm going to experiment on a pregnant woman" and Wilson is the type to go "yeah that sounds like something you'd do" then help with zero convincing needed. An entire episode where he made an enemy of a billionaire and got fired because his best buddy who commits medical malpractice every single day was being scrutinized. House could literally text him "let's quit our jobs and start an emo band" and Wilson will be at his door in ten minutes saying "this is a terrible idea" with a guitar on his back

[spidermimi]

So I'm halfway through Gideon the Ninth and how come nobody has told me about Dulcinea?? She's so good, you'd think people would go bonkers over her

[spidermimi]

Ah.

[misanthropiczombie]

Ngl ive had Gideon the ninth in my to read pile on my kindle app for months and this post is what inspired me to finally open it now

[misanthropiczombie]

Ah, I see.

[ruffboi-mags]

......well now I'm curious.

[spidermimi]

[mychemicallyimballancedromance]

My friend send me this and i couldn't help but think of this post

[undeadmartian]

we sharing the pain we've put people through?

[fromthemouthofkings]

A group of far-future linguists and archeologists suddenly *poof* into existence in front of me. One is holding a tablet. "What is the difference between 'red sauce' and 'tomato sauce?'" they ask me. "The distinction is not clear in extant texts from this time and place."

"Uh, they're the same thing," I tell them. "Who are you?"

"Yes!" the being with the tablet exclaims.

One of the other researchers groans. "No! My thesis...months of writing wasted..." One of the others comforts them.

"Now, what is this object for?" The first researcher holds up a discolored, dinged-up plastic object. It's clearly been buried in the ground for quite some time, but the two holes and the scuffed plastic window are distinctive.

"That's a cassette tape. You record music with it."

"Interesting, interesting." The being enters something on the tablet.

"How are you speaking English?"

"Sophisticated translation technology," one of the researchers confides. "We are students of your society. From the future."

"What does this pictogram represent?" The researcher with the tablet turns it around so that the screen faces me.

It's the eggplant emoji.

"Sex," I say. "Why do you need to ask me this if you can time travel or whatever? Can't you just go wherever you want to go and look around and see how these things are being used?"

The beings shift guiltily and look at each other. "Technically, travel to times and places prior the advent of time travel is strictly prohibited. Paradoxes, you know."

"Oh."

"We must be get back before our advisor returns to the lab. Just don't tell anyone you saw us, alright? The space-time continuity depends on it. Can you do that?"

"Uh, sure, I guess?"

One of them pats me on the head. "And don't go to Mars."

"Okay. Wait, why? Is it dangerous?"

"No. Just not worth it."

The group disappears in a shimmering light.

The cassette clatters to the sidewalk behind them.

Out of befuddlement, mainly, I pick it up. It's clearly old, discolored and scuffed, but it still has tape in it.

I carry the tape around in my pocket for a while. The curiosity builds. I want to know what's on that tape. I don't have a cassette player anymore, so I go to Goodwill and pick up the first one I can find, praying that it still works. I plug it in. It turns on.

I slide the tape inside. It's dirty, but it still seems to be in decent shape. I snap the player closed and hit play. The wheels begin to turn. I hold my breath.

A familiar tune starts up. A wobbly voice comes out of the machine.

We're no strangers to love

[redstonedust]

a good way to inspire yourself to do more is to see yourself as the wacky sitcom B plot character in your friends lives, "wouldnt it be funny to tell the friends in my phone about it." has gotten me to do anything from going to a festival (excelent) to wild camping (it went badly) (coastguard called) to trying to get the train to stonehenge (stonehenge costs money so i ended up just getting lunch in sailsbury, it was okay.) i bought a bicycle today and 20% of my reasoning was "itd be funny to surprise my roommate by coming home with a whole bike." . life is for living. and baby i live for the bit.

[damazcuz]

Certain words can change your brain forever and ever so you do have to be very careful about it.

[victusinveritas]

[victusinveritas]

There's more:

[tiffycat]

Lucy and her three weed smoking boyfriends

[eclecticopposition]

what is THE worst thing you've ever drank. all liquids acceptable. please tell me what it was, bonus points for why

[carby]

Hey whoa hi. Hello. I am looking directly into your ear canal. What do you mean you drank a tube of virus concentrate.

[whyamiherewhosummonedme]

So, I was working in a lab, right? My job in the lab was preparing a pure, concentrated enough sample of virus. This is tricky since, y'know, viruses require hosts to replicate, but you then need to get the host cells (and the pieces of the host cells that died!) out of the sample while still keeping the viruses. Once I'd finished and the samples had been sent to the database for analysis as well as a second one sent to be frozen for future reference, there was still some left over that needed to be disposed of.

I, knowing that this was a once in a lifetime opportunity, waited carefully for the lab director to be deep in conversation with someone else on the other side of the laboratory. And then I took my chance.

Test tubes, as it turns out, are really bad as shot glasses. Their shape turns any liquid inside into a stream, so you really can't knock it back quickly - it takes a couple seconds. Additionally, the best way I can describe the taste of virus concentrate was "sterile rot". A very unique kind of bad! Made worse by the test tube's inefficiency as a shot glass.

(by the way we were studying bacteriophages, not animal viruses. these viruses are too specialized on attacking prokaryotes to even recognize our cells as targets at all, according to studies.)

(but also like. if the viruses managed to successfully switch hosts and killed me with a violent infection, itd still be worth it.)

(for science.)

[violetthunderstorm]

You have a fitting blog title

[nico-the-overlord]

this post is getting 50k easy

[marlinspirkhall]

[autismking]

god this feels like a gut punch every time i read it

[the-boring-distopia]

Even if you don't like Ianthe Tridentarius, you gotta hand her one thing:

She is so unapologetic in her bullshit. No doubt, no remorse, no hesiatiton. She took one look at the trials, she saw people die and she went "Yeah, I get that you died but I'm built different". She stepped up to fight a Lyctor with nothing but Babs' half eaten soul and the power of audacity. She performed a lobotomy on a traumatized nun and the only question she asked was "what is your price range?". She was so ready to open a can of whoopass on Camilla, the fact that she failed does not negate the fact that she is a cringe girlfailure who really thought she was cool there.

Her situationship? More like dictatorship. With who? The resurrected ex of the girl she tried to date. Her boss? God. We know that she is as pleasant to look at as a H. R. Giger painting. She tried the " and there was only one bed" method on Harrow and it didn't work. She is in love with her literal sister but acts comically disgusted towards necro-cavalier relationships (Knowing her sister wants to be her cavalier...) like she is morally superior.

She is one of the characters of all time.