Need to write my thoughts down...
There is a very strong reason i dont use this site often enough, part of me wants to browse through all the depressing posts, lyrics, quotes whatever to try and immerse myself in feeling dreadful,
Recently my now ex girlfriend hurt me in a way I dont think I have ever been hurt and I need to write it down because If i dont I feel my mind will explode. Cheating is one of those things I think that you always imagine it happening, and always say you’d be prepared if the worse was too happen, obviously praying to christ it never does. But the feeling I got when I found out about her cheating on me, was like I kind of already knew? Walking to hers in August, excited to see her after she had been away, but even though I was excited, my stomach was in bits, not due to excitement, due to worry, like something had happened, and I think if that is something to go off alone then you should really read into the whole “follow your gut” mantra people spout.
When she told me, my world crumbled, granted me and her were not together long, by any means, but when you spend so much time with somebody, getting to know somebody, talking every day and literally idolising and worshipping the ground they walk on, thats what I did with her.
I describe her as my “dream girl”, I have a certain manner, a certain way of thinking about girls, girls who are interested in me I jump at the opportunity normally, getting to know them... and getting to understand who they are so I can relate. We had stuff in common, music mainly, which is pretty much my goal, she’s gorgeous, funny, cute, everything I wanted.
She ripped that all away, yet I still want to talk to her? Forgive her.. and move on. My self-esteem is a lot better than it was a few years ago, but right now I feel the loneliest i have felt in a long time. Due to the fact mainly I cant seem to be without attention from people? As pathetic as that may sound, I ache to text or call the people who mean the most to me, but I want the attention from an outside party right now, somebody to call me attractive, “youll do better Mike” somebody to basically give me a compliment? Is that bad? i hope not, As much as I hate what has happened to me, and what she did to me, I still love her, I think I always will. And I havent completely let go and i dont think I will for a long time until I accept loneliness for what it is, just an emotion.
One thing I have learnt from this experience, as awful as it is, is not to trust easy. I thought she would never hurt me, I put her up on the pedestal I thought she deserved, because we had stuff in common, and i genuinely thought she was the one, as cringey as that is too think sometimes it needs to be said.
That feeling when you are about to be sick doesnt go away, thinking about what she did and how she did it. Why wasnt I good enough? Wtf is wrong with me? All the questions you ask yourself are hard to overcome bacause clearly I wasnt good enough, and will I ever be for anyone? Im sure I am, but i am not convinced, its a constant battle of anxiety and trauma recently, and this does help getting it all down, nobody will see this... well nobody I properly know anyway.
At the end of the day I still love her, I cant forgive what she did of course, but the love just doesnt fade, I have to accept being alone but it is hard when you are a person who loves to be wanted and talked too. I am a senstive person, but I couldnt care less, sensitivity prevails, rather than repress my feelings I want to talk about them. I am trying to better myself but I just cant seem to get her out of my head, everything reminds me of her and I really hope it goes away soon.
I am lost, and I just do not know where to turn at the moment. Will I ever find anybody like her again? Probably not... thats the truth as i see it. It also scares me that seeing everybody around me in relationships, settling, loving etc. Should I be scared? I cannot face being alone forever, that is my biggest fear in life. I want a family of my own one day, a relationship to brag about. But is it all happening too soon? is the age of 24 the age where you are supposed to be doing all of this? i cant approach girls in bars and clubs, the confidence lacks. Online dating can only work so far... What do I do? Is it all too early. i guess i will never know.
