I called it 'The confession' for a reason. Today's the day I want to tell anybody what happens to people and what happend to me.
I feel like someone finally needs to say that and make it clear. Turns out it's gonna be me now.
That's a topic we almost treat like a taboo. The mental illness called depression. So please, stay with me even if you've never been depressed or if you've been/are.
I've been thinking about it for s such a long time even before I experienced it myself. Whose or (what's) fault is that? Is that the fault of society, environment we were/are raised in or just it's fault of our parents or there's not such a thing as fault in this topic? I think there's no explanation for that (besides our brains and what they do). Sadly...
The thing that made me write it is because I've heard so many times when someone says that they were ' so depressed' just because they were sad few hours or couldn't make up a decision. Some may ask -what's wrong about it?' Well, ask yourself if it would be ok if you said that you thought you've heard something but you were actually wrong and then said you had a schizophrenia. Is it ok? So if you've never been depressed, please don't say you were depressed just because you were sad. Ok, so what are symptoms is this illness?
People are different but mostly they lack of energy, motivation. There comes sometimes some other(physical) illnesses with it like headaches, problems with stomach and such. Also people lack of sleep (or sleep too much), lack of appetite( or eat too much), lack of interests (leave their passions/hobbies bc they don't have motivation and energy). Actually they are more syndromes that come with it.
If such a person confesses to you don't ever mock them. I always admire people who confessed because it takes so much strength and courage to do so. Tbh, I haven't found that courage. Don't tell depressed person that they should 'stop fool around', that' others have worse' and such because you may not know what's going on, you don't know everything about others.
It's still hard to talk about it even tho it's been some months since then. I actually don't know how it happened, it just did. At first I was in denial, because I thought it's going to last just maybe few days max, but it unfortunately did not. When I started to look around what's going on I found it may be depression. Well, it was. Since then it's been getting worse. I cut off almost all relationships with my family, friendships with my (even the closest) friends, you can say I just got lonely on my own wish. I'd been always shy and talkative just when I had something to say or with just people I knew well but when it happened I didn't talk almost at all. I didn't want to bother others and be a burden. When they started to ask questions I just dismissed it and said everything's the same way it's always been. I've had constant headaches that didn't let me focus which made my grades go dramatically down so I barely passed first semester of my last grade of secondary school. Which caused almost all teachers to hate me and pick on me. The sequence of events made me want to start homeschooling on which my parents didn't want to let me what caused our arguments to increase. My parents and sister started to ask me if I'm ok, but what was I supposed to tell them? Of course I lied bc I haven't found a courage to tell them the truth (still). There wasn't any loss of lover what most people expect.
I have to admit that I screwed up every thing I could. My education, relationships, mental health, my passions. I've never went to a psychologist even tho my homeclass teacher wanted me to. Yes, even she noticed something was wrong. I was so 'good' in hiding it. I stopped denying bc it wasn't worth it anymore. I want you to realise that being depressed isn't just being sad. It's being empty. You're just empty like a lonely bottle of water thrown into an ocean. And even tho you're empty it hurts too much to do anything. It seems weird that you don't feel any positive nor negative emotions. So you start looking for something that brings you back. And that's when you realize that there's something called self-harm ( I don't propagate it). That's when you go even deeper into it because it's almost like a drug, it's addictive. When something gives you relief why won't use it more often then, right? This is one of those things that I actually regret the most. I still remember that one night, my birthday. I still have scars. I don't wear shorts or skirts/dresses without tights so nobody can see. Well, it was to the time I made one mistake. My thigh high slipped a little and my sister saw. And that was when my whole 'secret' made it's way on the surface. I was this close to ending it all but I'm somehow still alive. And I know to some it may be crazy but I prayed to god to end my life because it's too much. Well, you can guess I don't believe now. I cursed him out. I'm an artist and when I said I left my passions behind me I meant art. I dropped it. Now I'm back bc I love it, but it's a sign for you to know if you're depressed or not( if you leave your passions/hobbies). It also gave me anxiety and deepened my fear of the darkness.
The whole thing changed after something I watched and it gave me motivation. But it's almost an autumn again and I'm not sure if it won't come back. Now I know that when(or if) it happens I'll recognize it. It may come back every winter season.
I just want to end it all story with how my life's changed. I'm not the same person i'd been before. I've changed almost beyond the recognition. You can actually see if someone was there as well when they talk. They have different way of seeing the world. Someone said that if you've never been truly sad, you don't know what's happiness. If you asked me now if I'm happy, I'd tell you probably the truth. I am not. Actually I barely remember any moments in my life that are/were happy. But I'm aware now. You don't understand a person (such as me) with this problem when you've never been in such state. I'm so sorry but unfortunately it's the truth. Depression's changed me and I know I'll probably will never be the same person i'd been before. There's nothing I can do about it. I understand that there are some mental illnesses that you sometimes can fully cure and it depends on a person. But I will fight and do my best.
Please, reblog it so everyone can see and understand. Stay safe and please don't do the same thing I did.
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