I just saw cats
bc I’ve heard it’s an indescribable feverish neon nightmare. and that’s … sort of up my alley actually. and boy howdy it delivered.
(full disclosure: my fiance and i smuggled whiskey into the theatre, because we were both fully adamant we weren’t seeing it sober. I do not know if this helped or hurt the experience. but it certainly enhanced it.)
the first scene alone is just. god. it feels like how sleep paralysis feels. all the cats are creeping around on all fours, and some of them have human feet and some of them have furry, sort of club-like human feet and some have sneakers, and all of them have human hands and human fingers, which was somehow more upsetting than the CGI. they move like nightmares. there’s no logic to it. gravity doesn’t act upon them.
the protagonist cat - victoria? - is told that victoria can’t be her only name, and she needs a new cat name, and also a new secret cat name. she doesn’t gets either of these.
the magician cat’s eyes are so red and watery. i hate it. get eyedrops
look, i’ve seen the posts much like this one going around. i knew jennyanydots unzips her flesh. I knew the cockroaches had human faces, and the mice had human children faces. i wasn’t ready for all the cats to eat the cockroaches, which crunched. or for the cat lingerie. at this point i was covering my mouth with both hands to stifle my horrified laughter.
the grey cat that helps victoria through the whole thing and gets more screentime than most of the named characters isn’t ever introduced. maybe I missed it? he’s just there always. a mystery
all the actors genuinely seemed like they were giving their all. jason derulo especially seemed like he was having a blast. I don’t know if the sincerity made it better or worse.
sometime in here I became aware of how heavily the soundtrack is focused on cats breathing. and I remained aware of it for the rest of the film.
the sizing is wild. there’s one scene where a cat is holding dice the size of his head, and in the very next shot it’s the size of a golf ball.
I couldn’t understand most of what they were saying, which is fine because, again, it progresses like a nightmare rather than a story.
I actually quite liked the tap dancing cat. I am ashamed of this.
i was ready for jennyanydots to unzip her flesh. I WASN’T ready for it to happen twice. beside me, my fiance lost their composure entirely.
idris elba says ‘come with me!’ and zaps taylor swift. they both disappear. idris elba appears again. taylor swift does not.
i don’t want to write about the catnip part. there was a lot of writhing. better writers than me have described it. so much writhing. and panting.
at the very end old deutornomy breaks the fourth wall, turning to look you dead in the eye and address you, the viewer, directly. I legit full-body flinched. i don’t have words to express how much this distressed me.
as old deuteronomy pins you to your seat with her gaze and tells you a cat is not a dog, the magician cat, victoria, and the mystery grey cat are gathered close around her. the mystery grey cat goes through every possible human emotion during five minute monologue. anger. disgust. uncomfortable arousal. outright orgasm? skepticism. yearning. heartbreak. cautious joy. irritation. it all passes over his face, with no apparent connection to anything actually being said.
as we were watching the credits, my fiance said, “judi dench was in this? I didn’t recognize her!” which is, i think, the kindest thing you could say about any of the actors in this movie
there were about a dozen other people in the theatre when we arrived. when we left there were two
I got home and my fiance’s cat wanted snuggling and I realized a few minutes into petting him that I was trying v hard not to actually look at him
in summary: the movie is a surreal garish trainwreck. the experience of watching the movie, knowing what’s coming, is… actually kind of great. it’s exactly as bad as people are saying. that’s impressive. I had fun.
