An Aroace Space

Simon | he/him | 22 | Iodic Aroace i do alot of spite-blogging

[thecommunityoftrustworthysinks]

ace/aro people deserve to be able to make jokes about their orientations. ace people deserve to be able to joke about “why have sex when you can XYZ.” aro people deserve to be able to joke about “romantic attraction sounds like an anxiety attack.” ace/aro people deserve to be able to express their identities and lives through jokes and puns. as long as no one is being hateful (which is something everyone needs to watch for on all jokes anyway??), we are allowed to express ourselves. we are allowed to talk about our own lack of interest in something, which does not put any pressure on anyone else for having that interest.

we are allowed. it’s not cringey. it’s not homophobic. it’s our sexuality, our orientation, our space, our jokes. and we deserve the space to express that.

[thearoacespace]

Coining Some New Terms

For awhile now I’ve been wanting terms to describe the type of relationship I want, as an aro person. So I decided to make my own terms; callistic, europic, and iodic. They’re based on the “closeness” of the people involved.

Callistic: Someone who doesn’t want a qpr or something similar. They may want platonic bonds but some might not. It’s similar to aplatonic or nonamorous.

Europic: Someone who wants a qpr, a close friendship, or something similar. This person’s ideal relationship would be more emotionally involved than what’s typically associated with friendship. They might even do things that are typically “romance coded” like cuddling or kissing. However, they wouldn’t want to do things like cohabitate, and they wouldn’t want to plan their life around another other person.

Iodic: Someone who wants a qpr, close friendship or similar, however they want a level of closeness that’s typically seen in romantic relationships. Their ideal relationship might involve doing things that are typically “romance coded” like going on dates, and celebrating anniversaries. When making major life decisions they would want to do it with their partner(s). They might even want to live together, get married, and/or adopt pets or children.

These terms can be used to describe your preferences, for example “I’m callistic aromantic.” Or they could be use to describe the relationship itself, for example “I’m in an iodic relationship.”

[aros-in-fandoms]

I want to preface this by saying that it’s really cool that you’re making terms that are helpful, and I don’t have a problem with what they’re describing, but I have a small criticism, if that’s alright.

So I’m autistic, and the word we use for non-autistics is allistic, which callistic sounds very similar to. And I know you named it off the moon, but I’m not completely sure about that particular word.

And, maybe it’s a case of I need to dissasociate the two words? I dunno

[actual-changeling]

I’m autistic as well and while I can see where you’re coming from, I actually really like the word callistic and don’t think it’s too similar to allistic.

It really is probably just your association because we use it on a regular basis.

(also iodic sounds cool and actually fits me, I like that)

[thearoacespace]

Hm, I didn’t even think of that. The “c” makes a pretty distinctive sound, so i personally think it’s pretty clear which one you’re talking about.

but if enough autistic aro people think it sounds too similar it could be changed to something like ganymedic

[deepstarrynight]

What if you’re in-between europic and iodic? Because, I want to have a qpr and room with my qpp, but I don’t want to adopt children, celebrate anniversaries, etc.

[thearoacespace]

What I listed there are just examples of what people could do in europic and iodic relationships. It's largely based on what society considers typical for a committed relationship, but not every person is going to define europicism and iodicism in that exact way.

I generally don't think you're made europic or iodic based on whether or not you want to do a single specific action. It's defined based on how closely you want to tie your life to another person. That may or may not include doing specific actions that you personally think express that level of devotion, if you consider those actions to be important to the commitment level of the relationship (and these actions may or may not overlap with what is socially expected for a committed relationship).

(Also I want to point out that not all romantic couples celebrate anniversaries or want kids, despite the relationship being solidly iodic (if it had to be described in one of these terms lol).)

[overcaffeinated-aro]

I made my own aro valentines this year… more to come !

[overcaffeinated-aro]

more and more specific.. excuse my humor. free to use, if you relate to any of these

[aromantlism]

the way alloros will literally treat dating like a job like 'oh im taking time for myself' girl you don't need to explain the gap in your resume

[wannabehuntress]

I hate when ppl try to be like well valentines day can be about platonic love or self love you're still included! Stop being hateful i changed it so ur included! No you didn't change it its still intended to be about romance and you can't take that away. Also I still don't feel included with those edits. And finally, im allowed to be hateful im a hater and i think valentines day sucks and if you dont hate it i hope you have a great day today and enjoy it but im entitled to dislike vday and you dont get to try to guilt me into liking it by saying i should just reframe it to be about *other types of love*

[heartofaspen]

being aromantic gives you special access to a file in your brain called “correct opinions on fictional romances” that alloromantics just couldn’t even dream of having access to

[thearoacespace]

I'm not opposed to the idea of people using Valentine's day to celebrate non-romantic love. However the thing I dislike is that, especially for alloromantics, it so often feels disingenuous. Like, alloromantic people will basically only ever bring up non-romantic Valentine's day in the context of people who don't have a romantic partner. Like, it's very clear that they view celebrating Valentine's day in a non-romantic way as an inferior option only for people who can't celebrate in a romantic way.

Like, alloromantic people can say all they want that Valentine's day is about celebrating all types of love, not just romantic, but would these people actually choose to celebrate Valentine's day with a friend or family member over a romantic partner if they had the option?

[thearoacespace]

Let aromantic people decide their own view on love.

This includes supporting aros who don't care for love.

This includes supporting aros who do enjoy the concept of love.

This includes supporting aros who are somewhere in between.

This includes supporting aro who have a complicated relationship with love.

[millenniumfae]

Do you think most asexual people understand how awful it is to date a sexual person without disclosing beforehand? It makes me wonder if a lot of asexual people understand how powerful sexuality is for sexual people. Most of us don't want relationships with people who just put up with sex. We want passionately enthusiastic sex partners. Being allowed to develop feelings for someone only to be told after the fact that sex is off the table is awful, it feels like being tricked.

are you seriously under the impression that ace ppl dont know that others prioritize sex

why do you think we struggle with trusting our autonomy, why do you think we hesitate to date others and come out to allo partners

and no, you are not being ~tricked~. you developed feelings for an ace person that doesn’t view sex the same way you do, thats part of them as a person, the same person you had feelings for in the first place, and if you actually respected them as a person that’s not a trick. ‘being allowed to develop feelings’ are you kidding me what entitlement is this

yeah yeah passionate sex is what you want. but us ace people will stay concerned about our own safety and sexual rights before we begin to worry about your dating preferences. itd be nice if you people began meeting us in the middle :)

[geekandmisandry]

“Tricked”.

Holy shit that’s some grade A entitlement. Sure, it’s disappointing to know you’re not compatible with someone, but they didn’t trick you by not telling you something intimidate about themselves.

[aspergyneity]

As an allo partner to an asexual man - the kind of perspective that this anon is claiming to speak for - all I can add is that if your feelings for an asexual person vanish the second they won’t fuck you in the exact way you want them to? If you feel “tricked” or “lied to” because their sexual feelings aren’t up to your standards, or may not be compatible with yours?

You don’t love them. Not only do you not love them, but you never did.

If it’s true love, then you will be able to talk about what to do next. If you honestly care about their sexual autonomy, then you will listen to them and take what they suggest on board and you will meet them in the middle, just like you would for any allosexual partner. You will check up with them regularly to see if things are still comfortable and okay in that area, you will respect their boundaries (and stand up for them if you see other people disrespecting them), and you will not hurt them over who they are. Discuss with them what you would like, yes, but do not force or pressure or manipulate. 

I hate that these are simple, “don’t abuse your fucking partner” statements but it apparently, sadly, bears reminding for some people.

If they don’t want to have sex with you then of course it’s up for you to decide if you still want to continue a relationship with them - you don’t have to remain in a relationship that doesn’t fulfil you or makes you unhappy. I understand the fear that it can cause - am I going over a boundary? Are they being honest about being okay with this? What if I’m hurting them and they’re just not telling me? - and if you’re not used to the idea of someone having love but no desire, then it can certainly fuel some insecurities. If you really just can’t match well with an asexual person, then fair enough…

…But that’s not actually what anon is saying here - what they’re saying is they’re not only sad that an asexual person might not want to have sex with them despite them at least believing that there’s shared romantic feelings involved (which is honestly where this “tricking” shit comes from, because creepers gonna creep apparently), but they’re sad that any sex they might have with that asexual person won’t be enthusiastic enough for their standards.

That’s the sentence here that truly, deeply disgusts me: “Most of us don’t want relationships with people who just put up with sex. We want passionately enthusiastic sex partners.” I mean yeah, I’m disgusted by all of it, but people have noted above why the “tricking” comment smacks of entitlement - I want to really emphasise this sentence here about “enthusiasm” and “putting up with sex” because it’s not just entitlement to a sexual act, it’s entitlement to a specific sexual performance.

This person doesn’t just want sex with an asexual person, they want their ace partner to fake enthusiasm and sexual passion that they might not even have - during an act that they might not even enjoy. What the actual fuck is wrong with you, anon?

As I said, I’m dating an asexual man, and having discussed it - and we’ve discussed it a lot over the years - we’ve reached the compromise in which we do have sex. He is not passionately sexual, he’s described it as being like folding laundry in terms of interest - but he makes me laugh and he makes sure I’m feeling good, and he does it because he loves me. Why in the fuck would I complain about that? If he told me tomorrow that he never wants to touch me again then I will fucking deal with it because fucking him - much less trying to convince myself that he isn’t asexual - means so much less to me than loving him does, and I have done my best to let him know that.

Fuck off back to space, you absolute cock - you do not speak for me, or anyone else; just because you don’t understand or respect asexual people doesn’t mean they have to pretend to be someone else for you.

[theuntoaster]

If not having hot, passionate sex with your partner is a deal breaker for you, then you should be the one to bring that up when you start dating someone. If you get to the point where you feel like you’re so attached to someone that breaking up with them over preferences in bed would break your heart, they didn’t trick you. You messed up by not having that conversation earlier. The only way they could possibly have tricked you is if they outright lied to you in that conversation (and note that thinking they were okay with something then realizing they weren’t is not lying).

[alloaroghost]

Being aromantic can be incredibly isolating. There’s so much centred around romance through all of your life

From such a young age there’s so much discussion about your crushes. My little brother is only 8 and he and his friends talk about it so much already

And then later on in life there’s so much focused around marriage. At this stage it’s not only a talking point, but something people dedicate themselves to. Friends will slowly drift away and spend most of their free time around their partner while aromantic people are left alone

And none of this is a bad thing, I don’t want to come across as if I’m saying people who enjoy romance are bad, that they hurt aro people. They should be able to live their lives how they wish. What I am trying to say is that there needs to be more awareness of aromanticism. Kids need to know it’s ok to not have crushes while everyone else does. Adults need to know that just because they don’t feel romantic attraction and all their friends do, it doesn’t mean they have to be alone forever

There needs to be more awareness, more support. Because aro people will feel abandoned and alienated otherwise

[aromanticchair]

You want to know something I hate? Being aromantic.

You're telling me, that after years of shipping couples, of watching teen and disney movies, of reading and writing fanfiction, of singing songs, of dreaming of a future relationship I can depend on, I'm not going to get that?

You're telling me I'm never going to have someone that means more than everything else? Someone I trust with my heart and soul, that will be with me as I grow old? Someone I can care for and vice versa, someone to kiss and to cuddle and to hold hands with?

You're telling me I'm going to grow old, watching my friends get in romantic relationships, talk of marriage, get a house together and slowly forget me, passing my name on their contacts list but brushing it off because I can't help but drift away from distant friendships?

Are you telling me I'll have to listen to my family gawk at my sister's wonderful and loving girlfriend, how they're such a match and have a great dynamic between the two of them, and then ask me if there's a special someone in my life?

Are you telling me that everything I've been told about romantic love - by cartoons, tv shows, movies, books, music, friends, family - will never be an experience of mine?

Are you telling me I've been setting myself up for heartbreak for years?

I'll never be someone's priority.

I'll never be proposed to.

I'll never be able to tell apart friends and crushes.

I'll never look at someone and feel the feeling everyone talks about.

I will never fulfill the destiny society told me was mine to fulfill.

[thecommunityoftrustworthysinks]

ace/aro people deserve to be able to make jokes about their orientations. ace people deserve to be able to joke about “why have sex when you can XYZ.” aro people deserve to be able to joke about “romantic attraction sounds like an anxiety attack.” ace/aro people deserve to be able to express their identities and lives through jokes and puns. as long as no one is being hateful (which is something everyone needs to watch for on all jokes anyway??), we are allowed to express ourselves. we are allowed to talk about our own lack of interest in something, which does not put any pressure on anyone else for having that interest.

we are allowed. it’s not cringey. it’s not homophobic. it’s our sexuality, our orientation, our space, our jokes. and we deserve the space to express that.

[raavenb2619]

[ID: A four panel meme. In the first panel, a man in shadow says “I fear no man“. In the next panel he says “But that thing…”. The next panel reads “my friends entering relationships and subsequently drifting away from me”. In the last panel he leans forward and says “it scares me.“ End ID]

[thearoacespace]

I want to say that I really like the terms you’ve made! I’m happy to call myself a Callistic aromantic ^^💚

Ahhh! Thank you, 💚

[thearoacespace]

Okay, so people have said that they don't like iodic/euporic/callistic because it's "associating certain actions with romance". I've had a long time to think about this so here's my response

1) the idea line between "romance-like" and "not romance-like" is very blurry, and i intentionally tried to word the definitions to be as vague as possible. The definition is entire based on what you personally consider to be traits of romantic relationships.

2) Yes, in an ideal world we would not have "romance-coded" actions. People could do anything they want together and there would be no assumptions made about the nature of their relationship. However, we do not live in an ideal world. As much as we wish for this to be reality, we are all affected by society and we all have subconscious associations. Just look at how many aro-spec people dislike the idea of kissing. In an ideal world you would be able to kiss your friends and have it be no big deal, because kissing isn't an inherently romantic activity. So does that means all aro-spec people who are repulsed by kissing are bad because they're reenforcing the idea that actions can be romance-coded? Of course not, different people will have didn't comfort levels with everything. However, it fair to say that, for many of these people at least, kissing is a romantic-coded activity, which is why they, as an aro-spe person might feel uncomfortable with it.

So yes, the idea of inherently romance-coded activities don't exist. However, everyone has their own ideas of romance-coded activities that simple come from the fact that we live in a society.

Until we actually live in that ideal world, where no one has any preconceived notions of romantic activities, I think it can be useful to draw a distinction between aro-spec people who are comfortable with preforming actions that are commonly preserved as romantic and aro-spec people who aren't.

3) Obviously, no has to use this system if they don't want to. I created the system because I personally found it useful to describe my experience. If the terms don't fit your experience of aromanticism then don't use them.

[thearoacespace]

New Term: -attractional

I was recently thinking about tertiary attractions, and I realized that there’s no way to talk about all tertiary attractions all at once, so I decided to coin the suffix -attractional.

What is does “-attractional” mean?

-attractional, refers to all tertiary attractions (platonic, queerplatonic, alterous, aesthetic, etc.) in a single word

Why would someone would use -attractional?

Here are some examples of it being used:

Nonattraction: when you do not experiences any tertiary

Quoiattractional: when you aren’t sure if you experience tertiary attraction/can’t tell what forms of attractions you feel.

All of your tertiary attractions are towards that same gender(s), in which case you would use something biattractional, heteroattractional, etc.

[demi-romantics]

I wanna show off my aro arrow! From the concept art to the final tattoo,it meant a lot to my demiro self to get!

Mods Note: Wow!!!!!! This looks really amazing!!! I love it so much!! You are making me want to get such a tattoo too!!