ENEMIES TO: PET OWNERSHIP?
pairing: hero!husband!felix x fem!reader x platonic!ferret!hyunjin
genre: comedy, romance
summary: you, your husband felix, and his arch nemesis, hyunjin who got turned into a ferret, live together. pet care step one, do not trust him ever. inspired by colosso from the thundermans.
warnings: superhero au but not the cringe kind so literally no powers or anything mentioned, felix is a dick but not to reader, brutal amount of cursing like they talk disgusting, lots of dick talk because they’re men but not in the creepy way, the insult “ear rapist” said, constant disgusting threats, sexual content(not with the animal of course fuck no ew, ew ew ew, mentions of p in v, multiple positions, anal, no scenes actually written just mentions of these, just again it’s all with felix and not the animal), smoking, mentions of brutal violence in detail, reader is a sweetheart and hasn’t done any wrong, kinda just headcanons not an actual story
word count: 7k
you have been married to felix, your hero boyfriend(like actual hero, he saves lives), for about three years now and he’s perfect. actually like a good fucking person even though he’s famous and like random civilians try to sneak photos of you two on dates. saves the world and then comes home to give you love. the husband ever.
and felix, about one year ago turned his old arch nemesis hwang hyunjin, into a ferret. felix didn’t even mean for it to stick this long, something about the spell going weird because hyunjin was midmonologue about world domination or whatever, and never figured out how to turn him back. or maybe he did and just didn’t feel like it. hard to tell with felix sometimes.
so now hyunjin, as a little talking ferret, lives with you two. and god is he fucking annoying and still fucking evil. imagine this tiny, always angry, adorable white little ferret that keeps telling you to go fuck your mother.
and it’s such a shame because he used to be gorgeous. genuinely a sexy villain af. now he’s a foot long.
has the same voice he had when he was human, even. suits him.
you adore the little shit. can’t help it. he’s adorable. you even buy him those fuckass colorful tunnels and hide treats in them just to watch him seethe while he hunts them down because “i am not your entertainment, you brainless whore.” you even painted his tiny nails black once while he was napping and he spent three days trying to bite them off while screeching about how you’ve humiliated him for the last time.
and he genuinely, deeply, spiritually despises both you and felix. no joke here lad. if he had thumbs and access to a weapon you’d both be done for.
he misses his human form more than anything, but tbh he deserved death for what he did back when he was human. he genuinely made innocent’s lives hell, killed and tortured, he was like an actual evil man.
fucking karma ig but still not enough.
anyways. felix also hates hyunjin’s guts, just can’t take him seriously anymore. like he’ll flick hyunjin off the kitchen counter when he’s trying to sabotage dinner, or dangle him by the scruff or something. that little cumsock is nothing to him.
felix thinks the whole situation is peak comedy. hyunjin plotting world domination from inside a ferret cage? hilarious. hyunjin trying to chew through felix’s shoelaces as revenge? even better.
felix will tell him shit like “bro you used to be able to destroy buildings, now you’re throwing a tantrum because i won’t let you drink from the toilet. get a grip.”
just again, hyunjin hates both of you with the fire of a thousand suns.
he has never hated anyone more.
he wants you dead(even though you didn’t do shit, he just always hated easily, villain, duh). he wants felix skinned. he wants his old body back and your luxurious penthouse apartment burned to the ground.
he’s full of rage and so tiny.
felix will literally be like “hey.” and hyunjin will go on a five minute rant about how he’s going to end him, destroy everything he loves, claw his eyes out, etc.
and felix just. walks past him. maybe tosses him a treat.
every time you kiss felix in the kitchen hyunjin makes this choked gagging noise from wherever he’s placed(can’t get off countertops by himself), every time felix picks you up and spins you around(you two are genuinely the two in love ever), hyunjin takes the chance to rub his little ferret ass all over felix’s shoes while your man is entertained by you.
he still lets you scratch under his chin. wouldn’t let felix do it tho.
but when felix comes home, he doesn’t even think about hyunjin, literally couldn’t care less, but the little fucker is always up to something when you don’t pay attention(you’re lowk a stay at home wife). so if the ferret is on the counter trying to fuck over anything really, felix usually swipes him off, that’s about all the attention he gives him. or sometimes he kicks him, (and hyunjin never gets hurt at all???), and hyunjin goes tumbling across the rug.
“whoops.” felix says every single time. “slipped.”
you fucking love hyunjin though. especially on the long days when felix is out doing hero shit and it’s just you and hyunjin.
bitch the building has a private everything, there’s also an elevator in the apartment itself, so it’s a penthouse or what, rooftop pool, a kitchen bigger than most apartments, allat. so most days it’s you in oversized shirts and shorts and socks, sipping coffee, while this tiny white ferret runs around.
the sound of his little nails clicking and skittering everywhere makes you want to squeal.
you’ll be folding laundry on the couch and listen to him run past, doing that weird sideways run ferrets do, muttering curses under his breath the whole time like “fuck you and your hero dick” or some variation, lil nails on the floor.
clickclickclickclickclick
thud.
he ran into a table leg.
sometimes you’ll leave treats in weird places just to watch him hunt them down while pretending he’s above it. he always is above it, right up until his little nose starts twitching and he launches himself into a tunnel while he’s calculating exactly how many bites it would take to sever your jugular.
felix’s way of dealing with him is way less patient. he hates the guy.
take the time you three are in the living room and hyunjin starts his usual monologue about how he’s going to reclaim his empire once he’s human again, felix is scrolling on his phone, isn’t in the mood to look up at hyune, says “keep squeaking like that and i’ll neuter you myself. snip snip, little balls gone.”
hyunjin freezes midsentence, fur puffing up, and starts cursing in the most creative ways you’ve ever heard. stuff about felix’s mother, felix’s dick, felix’s entire bloodline being cursed with micropenises.
felix just smiles and moves his fingers like scissors. “snip snip.”
or you’re trying to watch a movie, hyunjin won’t stop yapping from the coffee table about how felix is a talentless whore and felix just wants to watch his movie so he tells hyunjin to “shut the fuck up or i’m using you as a condom. you’re about the right size and way tighter than you deserve.”
you giggle.
hyunjin lets out the most horrified high pitched scream you’ve ever heard and throws himself off the table in pure panic, only to get caught mid air by felix’s hand and thrown onto the big armchair. just to set him back a little.
hyunjin will respond by trying to claw felix’s face off for the rest of the night while screaming about revenge and how he’ll make felix eat his own testicles. felix just puts hyunjin in the empty fish tank “for timeout” and hyunjin spends the whole time throwing himself against the glass.
like there is no respect left in that man’s body when it comes to hyunjin.
and just again, that’s well deserved. hyunjin used to be a horrible person, no matter how beautiful he was.
or like you and felix will be on the couch, tangled up, him kissing down your neck, hands wandering, everything hot and in love and quiet and finally normal for like two seconds, and then from across the room from hyunjin’s cage: “this is disgusting.”
you both ignore him.
“you two are gross.”
nothing.
“i hope you choke.”
felix mumbles a “you’re about to have a worse day.” into your skin, and instead of, you know, taking you somewhere else like a normal human being? felix gets up, walks over to hyunjin’s cage, opens the cage. (which has multiple levels and furniture and even a hammock)
hyunjin is mid talk like “oh finally, you’ve come to your senses—”
gets grabbed.
felix walks away with him and drops him into the toilet. lid down.
comes back to you. sits down, pulls you back in. “sorry about that.”
you continue.
and there was that time in the kitchen. you’re up on the counter, felix stands between your legs, things getting heated, and hyunjin is loose, which is mistake number one.
you just hear the clickclickclick getting faster. closer.
felix doesn’t even let him speak, just picks him up, opens a cabinet, puts him inside, closes it.
“he’s gonna knock everything over.” you whisper.
“good. maybe he’ll season himself.”
or the absolute fucking wooooorst is when you’re tangled up with felix in bed. hyunjin is in his cage in the living room. door closed. locked. secure. felix is kissing you, slow, hot.
and then, right next to your ear: “…you forgot the top latch.”
you SCREAM.
felix flinches.
hyunjin is on the nightstand.
felix stares at him for a long second. then reaches over, grabs a pillow, and drops it on top of him. covers the little guy with it then puts the heavy ass lamp on the pillow too.
the pillow starts moving. hyunjin is fighting for his life under there.
“continue.” felix says to you, already pulling your face back to his.
muffled from under the pillow: “this is suffocating—”
felix presses the pillow down slightly. “quiet.”
and the shit you witness??? one time you’re just in the bathroom, brushing your teeth, door wide open and you hear felix in the hall go “don’t start.”
hyunjin immediately starts.
not even five seconds later, hyunjin flies past the doorway.
you freeze with the toothbrush in your mouth.
thunk. he hits the wall. then from the floor, in that little soft voice: “…i will kill you.”
another time felix got fed up with hyunjin’s nonstop squeaking rant about “the injustice of it all” and just vacuumed him up. you walked in to find felix calmly pushing the vacuum around while muffled cursing came from inside the vacuum.
“he’s fine.” felix said, patting the vacuum like it was a good dog.
you’ll be cooking dinner and hear felix in the other room threatening to turn hyunjin into a living butt plug if he doesn’t stop plotting, while hyunjin is screeching back that he hopes felix’s dick falls off.
the only thing that actually gets a reaction out of felix is when that white sock of hatred throws himself and clamps those tiny razor teeth right onto felix’s junk through his sweatpants. felix always yelps, doubles over, and spends the next five minutes swearing while hyunjin hangs there.
“you’re obsessed with my balls. it’s getting weird.” felix says, holding hyunjin up eye level after he finally got the lil mf off.
but then oh. you’re sitting on the couch scrolling on your phone when hyunjin comes out from under the dining table, nails clicking. because he felt like it, he jumps onto your lap, starts circling before settling down on your thighs. his tiny body curls up, SO cute that fluffy white tail twitching once before going still.
“i hate you, bitch.” he tells you. “i hate every inch of your stupid fucking face and your hero fucked cunt. when i get my real body back i’m gonna piss in your mouth while you sleep and laugh as you drown in it.”
you hum and stroke down his back with your nails.
he keeps going, muttering shit under his breath, how he’s gonna skull fuck your corpse, how he’ll turn your intestines into ropes he’ll tie prostitutes up with, but the whole time he’s burrowing his tiny ass body deeper into your lap. you feel too warm.
you scratch behind his ears and he lets out this little trill before catching himself and hissing a fuck you out one more time.
another afternoon you see him in the kitchen trying to drag himself up onto the counter where felix left half a bag of gummies. hyunjin’s got his front paws on the edge, back legs fucking around, grunting with effort as he tries to yank the bag down.
his evil little plan is that he’ll eat so much gummies that he’ll throw up. convince you he needs the vet, then escape from there.
you watch him as he eats gummy after gummy, cheeks puffed out, making the most determined evil faces while chewing. a little ferret btw.
after about fifteen of them he starts making these weird little gagging noises, body convulsing, looking like he’s about to hurl, but nothing comes up. he tries again, but his ferret stomach refuses to cooperate.
he still tries every few days, sniffing out chocolate, looking through the trash for things, once attempting to chug an entire energy drink he knocked over, but his little system never lets him actually get sick. he just ends up bloated and pissed off.
then there are the times when he’s being extra loud and evil, screeching from the top of the bookshelf or from inside one of his tunnels about how he’s going to castrate felix with a spoon and wear his balls as a necklace.
those days felix usually sighs, reaches up, and snatches hyunjin by the scruff. hyunjin immediately starts thrashing, tiny legs kicking, teeth snapping at the air. “don’t you fucking dare, you whore! put me down! i’ll bite your fucking eyes out!”
hyunjin hates being picked up more than anything. it makes him feel small and helpless and he loses his tiny fucking mind every single time. he’s more than this! he’s not a little pet, he’s the fucking hwang hyunjin and he’s powerful!
“yeah yeah sure whatever.” felix opens the cage and throws hyunjin inside. sometimes gives him a little extra flick on the ass on the way in, or you’ll lean down and blow a kiss while saying “night night, angry baby.”
hyunjin always throws himself against the bars immediately, rattling them, screeching “i’ll murder you both in your sleep, i’ll shit in your lungs, i’ll turn your assholes inside out and wear them as hats!”
the cage door clicks shut and he keeps going, promising graphic torture that involves your nipples, felix’s prostate, and several household appliances.
hyunjin is genuinely evil to his core. he wants you both suffering. he dreams of blood and fire and your screams every night. but he’s also stuck as this tiny sweetpea brutally cute little ferret who can’t do a damn thing when you two decide it’s cage time.
and god, you and felix are married. like so married. genuinely deeply in love.
which means, you fuck hard.
loud, messy kinda sex that leaves the sheets falling off the bed/ripped/soaked and the headboard banging against the wall. you two fucking go at it.
hyunjin hates every single second of it because ferrets have good hearing(he already had good hearing in his human body, now this body isn’t any better) he catches lots of moans, slap of skin, wet sounds even when he’s locked in the cage on the other side of the place.
then, he really does want to kill you two.
he’ll be curled up in his stupid luxury cage trying to plot world domination in his tiny evil brain when suddenly he hears you gasping felix’s name, that thud of the bedframe, the wet squelch of felix’s cock sliding in and out of your soaked cunt while he moans shit in your ear.
hyunjin starts screeching immediately, but oh, why would you two hear him?
he already hated other people having sex near him when he was a human. well, he still is one, just with another body. but still. ew. like shut up.
back in your room, felix fucks you harder, making the sounds even louder. missionary with your legs over his shoulders so he can pound deep, wet slap of balls on your ass. doggy while he grips your hips and rails you so hard the whole bed shakes, groaning around when you start squirting on him. reverse cowgirl so you’re bouncing on his cock, tits jiggling, ass clapping down loud enough that hyunjin starts banging his little head against the cage’s bars.
then felix flips you onto your back and hooks your ankles behind his neck, folding you in half with that brutal stamina of his so he can make his pretty cock poke your cervix, groaning “take it all, baby, gonna fill this greedy pussy till it’s dripping down your thighs.”
when you ride felix’s face and he eats you out like a fucking animal, tongue fucking into you while you grind on his mouth, the obscene moans felix, FELIX(so not even you only but he moans too, this man is brutal) lets out travel straight to hyunjin’s sensitive ears and he starts throwing himself on the cage bars screaming around.
and god forbid you two go for anal. the second felix works his cock into your tight ass, since that takes effort and the harder moans that come with it, those are louder.
hyunjin actually wants to die by the time felix groans when he pumps you full. luckily the walls are thick so hyunjin at least can’t hear the wet drip when felix pulls out and his load starts leaking from your used cunt or ass, or the lazy slap of his cock against your clit as he smears it around, but when you or felix start screaming or felix starts talking sum “take my cock, baby” god, hyunjin actually tried to hang himself once with the hammock in the cage.
and the two are constantly inventing new ways to fuck with each other.
felix will dangle hyunjin by the tail over the balcony just to watch him flail and scream death threats. also once tied a tiny bell around hyunjin’s neck while he was sleeping and hyunjin spent three days trying to chew it off, jingling everywhere. hyunjin got back at him by gnawing through the charger of felix’s favorite gaming headset. felix responded by putting hyunjin in the blender (lid off, of course) and spinning it on low just to watch the ferret tumble while hyunjin screamed “i’ll shove that blender up your ass and turn your prostate into smoothie!”
hyunjin once managed to knock an entire bottle of lube into felix’s lap as revenge for being kicked across the room. felix spent the next hour fucking you with extra slippery enthusiasm while loudly announcing “THANKS DUDE.” hyunjin nearly had an aneurysm listening to it.
they never stop. felix will flick hyunjin’s nose with a finger when he walks by, hard enough to make the ferret throw his little head around. hyunjin will wait until felix is asleep(and you’re not home!!) and then hump his forehead aggressively. felix once threatened to sew hyunjin’s mouth shut with fishing line if he didn’t stop squeaking around. hyunjin chewed holes in felix’s favorite armchair for that.
it’s important to take in notice that this is not an animal. this is an animal’s body but a man inside of it, an evil human being. has the iq and understanding of a normal human. none of the two boys do this shit with the acknowledgment of like this is animal cruelty or whatever. both are very aware that hyunjin is a human and it’s not an animal y’all are doing this to. felix doesn’t see hyunjin as a ferret at all, it’s just hyunjin’s looks, but when has felix cared about looks.
and listen, you know hyunjin hates you with every microscopic fiber of his evil little soul. every single day he mutters about how he’s gonna skull fuck your corpse and use your eye sockets as cum dumpsters once he’s back in his gorgeous villain body.
but.
he hates felix more. way more. like, nuclear levels more. the kind of hatred that makes his tiny ferret heart actually hurt when he looks at the hero. felix is a dick to him. felix ruined his existence.
so, felix first, you a distant but still very hated second.
sometimes felix is on one of his asshole days, chasing hyunjin around the penthouse with a rolled up magazine or something. hyunjin will run straight to you, tiny claws clicking, and worm his way up the inside of your sweatpants. crawls all the way up your thigh, until he’s tucked right between the warm crease where your leg meets your body. no, he does not care about being that close to something that intimate of yours, this man couldn’t care less. you’d assume he was asexual or something if he wasn’t always bragging about how he used to fuck and who when he was in his human body. so you just know he absolutely doesn’t see you that way. anyways, he stays there on you perfectly still, breathing fast on your skin.
felix comes in, magazine in hand. “babe, you seen the ferret? little shit tried to piss in my coffee again.”
you blink up at him with those big angel eyes. “no. haven’t seen him. maybe he’s hiding in the vents again.”
felix walks away muttering. the second he’s out of earshot, hyunjin lets out the world’s tiniest, shakiest sigh of relief on your thigh.
those are the only times he ever feels anything close to gratitude.
other times it’s just the two of you home.
felix is out doing hero shit or whatever, and you’re in the kitchen cooking something in your big wide pan on the stove.
hyunjin keeps trying to climb the side of it, tiny paws slipping on the metal, determined to hurl himself into the sizzling oil.
“baby, no.” you sigh, grabbing him mid climb before he burns his murder mittens off.
he immediately starts thrashing. “unhand me! i’ll gut you!”
you drop him into the huge back pocket of your oversized sweatpants. he slides right in, ass first, until he’s all in there. he wriggles and curses, calling you every name in the villain dictionary, but the pocket is warm, soft from being on your body all day, and smells like you and laundry detergent. so within ten minutes the angry squeaking turns into grumpy muttering, then into sleepy little chitters, and eventually he just passes the fuck out. curled up in that biiiig back pocket, nose tucked under his tail, while you walk around the penthouse doing chores, cooking, texting, whatever.
you carry him like that for hours sometimes. he sleeps through you folding laundry, through you watching tv while you vacuum. every once in a while he’ll twitch in his sleep and mumble something like “fuck… felix… balls… blender…” but mostly he’s dead to the world, trusting your body heat and the gentle sway of your walking. trusting you to keep him safe in there.
when he finally wakes up he always acts like it never happened, immediately launching into a fresh rant about how he’s going to rip your uterus out with his teeth and knit a scarf with it.
he lets himself get soft with you from time to time.
but only with you.
because felix is an asshole.
because felix sometimes drops hyunjin into the sink and turn the faucet on full blast, holding him under the cold spray while hyunjjn screams and paddles. because felix is a disgusting person.
another time hyunjin manages to climb the curtains and drop directly onto felix’s head while he’s napping on the couch. he latches onto felix’s ear with his teeth and starts yanking. felix wakes up yelling, grabs hyunjin by the tail, and swings him around before throwing him across the room.
“nice try, ear rapist. next time i’m using you as a fleshlight. bet your tight little ferret asshole would stretch real nice.”
hyunjin comes running back, tiny body puffed up. “i’ll fuck your eye socket, man, i’ll—“
felix traps him under an upside down glass bowl on the coffee table for three hours, tapping on the glass every few minutes.
hyunjin throws himself against the glass with so much power that the bowl rattles, screeching promises of disembowelment and how he’s gonna wear felix’s intestines as a scarf.
you’ve seen felix threaten to microwave hyunjin for thirty seconds “just to warm him up” only for hyunjin to try to piss in felix’s protein powder for that. felix once tied a tiny leash around hyunjin’s middle and walked him around the penthouse while hyunjin screamed bloody murder and tried to bite his ankles to the bone.
they’re constantly inventing new ways to make each other miserable.
and felix is only a dick to hyunjin. reasonably, of course. to the rest of the world, he’s an angel. to you, he’s an angel.
that’s because he has never been in love like this before, ever.
you and felix are disgustingly, unbelievably, unswallowably in love. even after years together. you two are fucking unbearable. constantly touching. his hand on you anywhere you walk, your fingers tangled in his hair when you kiss, makeout sessions on the couch that turn into giggles because he keeps snorting into the kiss, and let’s not even talk about the nasty sex you two manage to pull off. money makes it all easier, ofc. private jets when you feel like it, designer anything and their cousins, the fact that your fucking penthouse has a rooftop pool. rooftop pool. r o o f t o p p o o l. felix spoils you rotten.
take this, it’s the afternoon. you’re outside on that rooftop, fuck, the image itself is a mental jerk off, sun on yours skin, the pool water sparkling, and felix is at the fancy built in grill flipping steaks or burgers or whatever rich people meat he decided on today, shirtless. this fucking dipshit of a man.
you’re stretched out on a lounger in a tiny bikini, sunglasses, sipping smth expensive and fruity. hyunjin is on a stupid little leash clipped to a sparkly pink collar you bought to piss his tiny ass off. he’s sitting next to your chair looking like he wants to commit mass murder with his teeth.
you hold out a piece of grilled meat between your fingers, still warm, to him. “c’mon, angry baby, open up. it’s good for you.“
hyunjin glares up at you with those tiny black eyes full of pure evil. “i would rather chew my own intestines out and strangle you with them than eat from your whore fingers.”
but his little stomach betrays him because he’s a ferret and food is food. he jumps forward, tiny sharp teeth grazing your skin as he takes the piece, chewing aggressively while muttering around it “fuck you… fuck this… fuck your perfect little life…”
you keep feeding him, stroking his head with one finger between pieces, and he lets you because what the fuck else is he gonna do, starve on principle? he hates it so much his whole body vibrates with rage.
meanwhile felix keeps glancing over from the grill with that biiig sunny grin. “looking good over there, babe. he eating good?”
you blow him a kiss and he pretends to catch it and slap it on his ass. hyunjin gags.
inside the penthouse it’s the same story everywhere hyunjin looks.
felix will come home from hero shit, scoop you up and spin you around while you laugh into his mouth. you’ll cook together in the (massive) kitchen, him sneaking up behind you to kiss your shoulder while you stir something, whispering shi like “can’t wait to bend you over this counter” or him reading on the couch with your head in his lap, playing with your hair. or you bringing him coffee exactly how he likes it and getting rewarded with that soft “thank you, baby” and a kiss on the forehead.
the place reeks of love.
hyunjin hates living in it.
back when he was human, tall and beautiful and terrifying, he spent years making everyone else’s lives hell because his own was a fucking void. no one loved him.
now he’s stuck in this little prison watching two idiots be genuinely good to each other every single day.
he hates it. he wants to vomit but just again he never fucking can.
it’s everything he never had and never let himself want, and it hurts, burns worse than any kick or threat from felix.
if you two will ever have kids then they’ll have the perfect life. two loving parents, money, and growing up with the knowledge that they’re wanted.
but instead of kids, right now it’s hyunjin who gets your baby treatment.
you keep buying him tiny sweaters, for an example. he hates them with a passion that could power cities. you’ll corner him after a bath (another thing he despises but secretly loves because warm water), wrap him in a towel and then wrestle one of the sweaters over his squirming body while he screeches “get this hideous shit off me you sadistic bitch! i am not your dress up doll! i used to command armies and now i look gay!”
he’s so cute you could die.
he’ll sulk in the corner wearing the sweater because he can’t get it off, muttering “when i’m human again i’m burning every single one of these in a pile made from your skin.”
oh, yeah, baths.
you love giving him baths.
you fill the big marble sink in the master bathroom with warm water, a tiny drop of fancy unscented baby shampoo and get a soft washcloth. oh you the parent ever. you strip down to just a tank top and panties so you don’t get soaked, then gently scoop the ferret out of whatever hiding spot he’s chosen that day. he immediately starts hissing and thrashing like you’re lowering him into acid.
you coo at him, lowering his tiny body into the warm water.
the second the heat gets to his skin he goes stiff, then slowly relaxes. little eyes almost close as you cup water over his back, letting it run through his fur. so gentle. you massage the shampoo in with your fingertips, scratching behind his ears, under his chin, along the little dip of his spine where he can’t reach. (much more gentle than felix would be. when it was felix’s turn to bathe the ferret for the first time he started it with throwing hyunjin into the bathtub from the other side of the bathroom, then yelled “trickshot!” first and last time you let him on bath duty. it’s always your job now.)
“there you go, baby. doesn’t that feel nice? all clean and warm. you’re such a good boy even when you’re plotting my gruesome death.”
he stays almost comfortable for a solid ten minutes, floating there, letting out these tiny happy noises.
that’s usually when felix wanders in, fresh from whatever hero bullshit or workout he was doing, shirtless and just having that rich aura around himself.
you two are actually the perfect match omfg.
he comes up behind you, wraps his arms around your waist, and starts pressing slow kisses along the side of your neck while you’re still holding hyunjin in the sink. you melt back into him, sighing happily.
felix glances down at the ferret and can’t resist. he reaches one finger out and pokes hyunjin right in the middle of his wet forehead, pushing his head under the water before letting him pop back up sputtering.
hyunjin goes crazy. water flies everywhere as he thrashes, screeching at the top of his lungs. “get your fucking hero hands away from me you ball sucking traitor! i’ll bite your finger off and shove it up your own ass!”
felix chuckles, so deep, so hot, still on your neck, one hand sliding down to squeeze your ass while the other keeps lightly poking at hyunjn’s side, making the ferret spin in the water.
you’re laughing, it’s beautiful, also tilting your head to give felix better access. “felix, stop tormenting him. he was being good.”
“he’s never good.” felix murmurs, sucking a light mark on you. “deserves every poke he gets.”
hyunjin is foaming at the mouth by then, half drowned and fully enraged, screaming about how he’s going to castrate felix with dental floss and use his balls as bath bombs.
oh he’s your baby. (mentally a 26 year old man who wants you dead)
he hates you both. hates the love dripping from every surface. hates how safe your stupid empathy makes him feel when felix is being a dick. hates the way he keeps crawling into your pants to hide, keeps falling asleep in your back pocket the baby, keeps eating from your hand even while cursing your entire bloodline.
sometimes chan comes over, felix’s old partner from way back. you like the guy a lot. always brings expensive shit when he visits.
hyunjin and chan have history though. some deep shit, but chan has a longing for justice so hard that he forgot all about it the second hyunjin started killing innocent people.
and he enjoys seeing his old buddy like this.
the first time he saw hyunjin after the transformation he laughed so hard he cried and laid down on the floor. ever since then he makes it his mission to torment the little shit every chance he gets.
so when hyunjin jumps at chan for bullying him and bites the tip of his finger, chan just starts spinning hyunjin around in circles. hyunjin js screeching at the top of his lungs the whole time while chan talks about sum “you’re much cuter this way”
hyunjin finally lets go and goes flying across the room, slamming into the wall with an outraged squeak. then immediately starts ranting about how he’s going to shove chan’s entire hand up felix’s ass and then light them both on fire.
chan just sucks the tiny bite mark on his finger. “still got that fight in you, huh? good. makes it more fun when i do this—” (typical shi chan would say, tf does be think he is. love him this way tho.) and then he flicks hyunjin’s tail hard enough to make the ferret spin in place from confusion.
hyunjin hates chan almost as much as he hates felix.
you, still give him all the love anyway.
after chan leaves you scoop the fucking fuming ferret up, press kisses to his little head, and rock him. you keep loving him even when the whole world (and especially felix and chan) keeps reminding him how small and useless he is now.
and deep down, he appreciates this. but even he doesn’t know that.
just again, felix loves you so fucking much. he’ll do anything to give you even five minutes of peace, including babysitting the tiny white ball of pure concentrated evil. his arch nemesis btw.
sometimes he picks hyunjin up, ignores the screaming and biting, and carries him off so you can take a bath, read, or just sit in silence for a while.
that’s how hyunjin ends up put down on the bathroom counter one random evening, while felix is showering. like he’s in there under the massive rainfall head(still you two are rich rich), water going down that unbelievably fucking perfect body while soaping up.
“enjoying the show, boy?” felix calls out as he rinses shampoo from his hair. “must be rough watching a real man wash his balls while you’ve got nothing but… that. pfftt.”
hyunjin’s entire body puffs up. “fuck you, you whore. hope the soap gets in your eyes and blinds you so i can finally gnaw your cock off while you scream. i used to have women on their knees for me and now i’m stuck staring at your flat hero ass. it’s ugly, by the way. ugly.”
felix laughs at him, turns around, presses his bare ass on the glass right in hyunjin’s face, wiggling it like the asshole he is. “kiss it better, short king. maybe if you’re good i’ll let you lick the water off later.”
hyunjin launches himself at the glass, falls the fuck down on the tile, keeps hitting the glass with his tiny nails and teeth while he shrieks every curse in existence.
felix finishes his shower whistling, dries off slow just to drag it out and fuck with hyunjin, then picks hyunjin up by the scruff and walks out, drops him in his cage.
that same night hyunjin decides on revenge. while you and felix are already tangled up in bed, he sneaks into the kitchen, finds the big box of cereal, climbs inside, and starts eating.
then he realizes he’s sunk too deep. the box is tall, the cereal is slippery, and his little legs can’t get anything to push himself on.
he’s stuck.
meanwhile in the bedroom you’re cuddled up to felix’s chest, one leg thrown over him, hand slowly stroking his cock while he groans(like specifically groans) into your mouth. slow, sweet handy under the sheets, his fingers buried in your hair as he kisses you lightly.
“fuck baby, just like that… love you so much.” he whispers into the kisses, hips gently going up into your fist.
hyunjin starts screeching at the top of his lungs. but you and felix are way too all up in each other to notice.
morning. you wake up first, walk into the kitchen in felix’s shirt. there’s cereal all over the floor and a suspicious white fluffy ass sticking out of the box.
you reach in, gently pull hyunjin free. he’s covered in cereal, fur sticky from the sugar, looking horrible.
“oh my god, baby, what did you do to yourself?” you coo, brushing cereal out of his fur.
“that fucking hero left the box open on purpose! this is attempted murder! i demand blood! i demand—”
you scoop him up to your chest and start cuddling him to death, pressing kisses all over his sticky little head, nuzzling his belly, rocking him like a baby while he thrashes around. why are you two fucking hilarious. “shhh, you’re okay. i’ve got you. such a brave boy trying to take on the cereal box all by himself.”
he keeps cursing between kisses to his head and belly, calling you every filthy name he can think of, but his body slowly goes limp, tiny heart rate calming as you carry him back to bed and tuck him between you and felix for morning cuddles.
felix cracks one eye open, sees the sugar covered ferret, snorts. “looks like someone had a rough night. good.”
hyunjin glares at him but doesn’t try to bite because your arms are warm and your love is relentless and he’s too exhausted to fight it right now.
and shit like this happens all the time. felix will “borrow” hyunjin for an hour so you can take a long bath in peace, only for you to come out and find the two of them in the living room, felix playing video games while hyunjin is duct taped to the coffee table because he tried to chew through smething. when asked about it, felix shrugs and says “he started it” while you peel the tape off and spend the next thirty minutes kissing hyunjin’s head and telling him he’s still the scariest villain you know.
oh, felix doesn’t mind the love you give hyunjin, by the way. he knows he’s irreplaceable, there’s not one drop of insecurity in this man’s dickhead body. no reason to feel any bad.
or felix takes hyunjin to the gym with him (in a carrier) so you can sleep in, and hyunjin spends the whole time screaming.
one morning felix “accidentally” locks hyunjin inside the fridge for twenty minutes while he makes you breakfast in bed. when you get hyunjin he’s ice cold and stiff, immediately trying to burrow into your warm tits for warmth(not because tits, just again, hyunjin doesn’t see you like that at all, it’s because he knows women are warm there) while calling felix… i don’t think i can write this down. felix laughs at him and feeds you strawberries.
god, they hate each other so much but are literally made to be enemies.
like that one evening you’re on the couch making out with felix, slow and sweet and so young married, his tongue sliding on yours while his hand cups the back of your neck. sighs and little moans, whatnot. all while, mind you, felix has his other arm stretched straight out to the side, and at the end of that arm is hyunjin dangling by his harness from felix’s fist, legs kicking wildly, body twisting and thrashing.
“you fucking—sloppy—kissing—cocksucker!” hyunjin squeaks as he spins in circles.
felix hums on your lips, smiling into it, turns his wrist so hyunjin does a full 360. “not now, short king, daddy’s busy.”
the constant short kings thrown at hyunjin are a hundred times funnier if you consider that he used to be taller than felix.
eventually he gets bored and drops hyunjin onto the coffee table where the ferret immediately tries to jump at felix’s crotch, only to get gently kicked back by felix’s foot.
or he’ll set the ferret on top of the fridge and walk away while hyunjin screams from eight feet up, tiny legs dangling over the edge.
but felix interrupt his villain torture sessions just to pull you into his lap and kiss you stupid, whispering “love you more than anything, baby” into your mouth while hyunjin is dangling from his other hand losing his mind. he wants to throw hyunjin into the wall but suddenly that urge is nothing the second he sees you. his perfect beautiful wife.
he does the hyunjin babysitting shit because he wants you happy and relaxed, even if it means enduring an hour of death threats and attempted ball biting.
hyunjin is… hyunjin is more complicated.
he hates you. genuinely. with a burning, foaming, ball aching passion. he like calls you “felix’s personal cum rag” or “the bitch whose tits i’m gonna use as trampolines when i’m big again.” he plots your death in vivid detail every single night.
but underneath all that anger there’s this thing only you ever gave him.
he doesn’t like you. but he craves the way you love him anyway.
he craves the baths where you massage his tiny body and call him baby even while he’s cursing you out. he craves the way you hand feed him and listen to the whole rants about his old villain glory days. he craves crawling up inside your sweatpants to hide from felix and the way you lie for him. he craves waking up in your giant back pocket after falling asleep in there. he craves the morning cuddles. he craves when you smother him in kisses instead of scolding him.
he doesn’t like you. he refuses to like you.
but fuck if he isn’t starting to need you.
platonically, of course, let’s make that clear.
he loves felix’s love for you too, because watching felix be so purely in love with you makes the hero look human and weak and that makes hyunjin feel better about himself. makes screaming “shut your whore mouth before i turn it into a second asshole” at felix better.
and you always include the little fucker. some nights before you crawl into bed and melt into your beautiful husband, you open hyunjin’s fancy cage, scoop the fuckass ferret out, and press him to your chest. so he’s tucked between your tits, tiny body warm on your skin, his little heartbeat beating with yours. “this changes nothing you sentimental cunt. i still plan to rip your nipples off with my teeth and use them as decorations on my future throne.”
you hum softly, one arm cradling him close while your other hand slides down to squeeze felix’s ass under the sheets. felix grins on your neck.
hyunjin keeps muttering disgusting things against your collarbone, but he stops moving around. his tiny claws flex once, twice, then relax.
he’s never had this in his human life. not once. no one ever held him. no one ever gave him warmth. so even while he’s seething, the feeling of being pressed to soft skin and heartbeat makes something actually addictive develop in his walnut brain.
he hates how good it feels. he hates it so much he almost wants to cry, but instead he just hisses “i’ll skull fuck your future children” and comes closer.
during the day when felix is out doing hero shit, you walk around the penthouse with hyunjin held to your chest like a baby. just a baby. one hand under his butt, the other supporting his back, or gently bouncing him with one full arm while you do chores or scroll on your phone.
the sway gets to him every single time, how rhythmic it is. nobody can resist that. after a few minutes his pretty little eyes get heavy. and then, oh my god, he starts sucking on his own tiny ferret fingers, making these little suckling noises while his tail twitches.
it feels so good. the warmth, the gentleness, the bounce, the way you talk to him. he’s irritated as fuck but he never tries to climb down.
one afternoon felix is in the shower and you’ve got hyunjin in the big marble tub for his bath. y’know, warm water, a couple of those floating bath toys he pretends to hate, and you’re sitting on the edge, watching him paddle around. your little swimmer.
he’s actually lowkey enjoying the swimming, zooming from one end to the other, when felix steps out of the shower completely butt fucking naked, water dripping down his perfect body. hyunjin looks up at him.
“ha. mine used to be bigger, micropenis. you could try casting a spell on that too. or turn me back to human so i can make you suck it.”
felix flips hyunjin off, walks over still dripping wet, leans down, and presses a sweet kiss to the top of your head. “love you, baby. keep spoiling the evil rat.” then he grabs a towel, wraps it around his waist, and leaves you to watch hyunjin continue his angry laps around the tub.
it’s also a huge influence on hyunjin’s never loved brain that you and felix are so casual with intimacy, with being naked around each other, naked also means vulnerable, and literally why would anyone be vulnerable from their free will??? hyunjin never understood that. but now, he begins to. because he sees love in this household.
you even made him one of those sensory things like a big box filled with dry macaroni. ferrets are supposed to love the crunchy texture and the rattling sound, you saw.
you set it on the floor one evening and drop hyunjin inside. he starts thrashing around, macaroni flying everywhere.
“what the fuck is this? i’ll shove every piece of this pasta up your cunt and make you rattle when you walk!”
but ten minutes later when you check on him he’s deep in the macaroni, making little content noises, asleep. tired himself out, the baby(is an evil man). knocked the fuck out.
that night felix actually lets him sleep in the bed with you two. hyunjin ends up between your bodies, curled up, tiny head under your chin(specifically yours, he hates both you and felix but you’re his favorite). felix mutters “if he bites my dick in his sleep i’m turning him into a scarf” but he leaves him there.
hyunjin wakes up the next morning pressed between two warm humans and he’s never been more pissed off. he’s never felt more… something. he starts plotting how to poison the macaroni box while you two are still asleep and fuck’s sake why are you two so comforting like this.
and also, hyunjin has been begging for cigarettes for literal months. ever since he got turned into a ferret he’s been screeching about needing nicotine, even though the addiction should have stayed in his human body.
felix finally gives in one night. the two of them are out on the balcony, felix in pants only, hyunjin on the little glass table next to him.
felix lights up a cigarette from the pack he bought just for the ferret, takes a drag, then holds it down so the end is near hyunjin’s tiny mouth.
hyunjin’s leans in, takes the world’s smallest puff, fucking adorable, and immediately starts coughing his lungs out, whole body convulsing, eyes watering.
felix laughs at him and holds it there, letting hyunjin try again.
it’s brutally sweet, if you think about it.
you shout from inside the penthouse that dinner’s ready. felix calls back “coming babe!” stubs the cigarette out on the railing, and kicks hyunjin back inside.
hyunjin goes flying across the threshold, tumbling into the living room. “i wasn’t finished you heartless fuck! i’ll rip your throat out and smoke your arteries!” he’s so mad he’s literally vibrating.
but the truth is felix did it for him. bought the pack. took him outside. held the cigarette to his little mouth. gave him a tiny piece of the old villain life he misses so much.
hyunjin has never been more pissed off in his entire miserable ferret existence.
he’s also never been more loved.
he still hates both of you with every fiber of his tiny evil being, but late at night when he’s pressed between your bodies, one paw on felix’s arm and his face buried in your skin, sucking on his own tiny fingers while the gentle rise and fall of your breathing soothes the empty places he used to fill with cruelty… he feels something else than irritation.
he has zero tiny idea whether to scream or curl up tighter.
so he does both. every single day.
author’s note: oh this is going to flop, i don’t think there’s a big audience for content like this. but we’ll see. anyways part two of all done boss is coming!! another ot8 fic in the works then part two of serial killer han<3 then i’m thinking maybe dear yn next because i have so much shit planned for that part. or maybe minho’s solo killer fic??
tags: @fics-lovebot @nougatjade @itsraininghyunebuckets @simpqueen2025 @alondra6011 @jaykaavfxcq @soldantae @angelbbygrl @lovelyzghostss @xoxobratz @btch8008s @elizaliza159 @fairyprincesslvr21 @carrotcakeesblog @flamegirl @lixwrld @franaby @bee-gremlin @gardeniashellfire @nevermoreraven1 @sapphirewaves @twilightavenue @pinkdollyy1 @akindaflora @eclips-moon @danielle143 @rayraymylove @niku0704 @herondale-lightworm @btch8008s @elqk @puoeri @spearbuunn @lttlekomori @importantphantomjellyfish @honeyyyy21 @g1ul1a-s @skzruby @v3n7s @omghidokyeom @luvvvivi @jeonginsfavglazer @cafemirka @minniebitesfr @ariaaleelynn @yessirfelix @star-my @sk1nnylikefel1x @hanniballecters @caylajiang
