11. What do they hide from one another?
As bonded mechs, it’s difficult to keep things hiddenn from one another but given the fact that they’re both war veterans struggling with various traumas, they’ve learned to give each other space when it comes to certain matters.
Jazz, for example, is very particular about his past. Not because it’s marred by unspeakable horrors or anything of the short, however. Many low caste bots who were down on their luck and living off the dust of their backs and very many became pleasurebots to keep themselves from deactivation.
Jazz was no different. He sold his frame to more mechs than he could count and by the time he joined the Autobots, he’d wracked up a tally that ranged in the thousands. Some were nobodies, others were high caste bots that’d promised death if he ever dared mention their names and few were regulars that’d had the decency to learn his name.
He's not ashamed of it but the thing that seperates his experience from others is that he enjoyed it. It taught him everything he knows. How to read bots, recognize their tics, motives and anticipate their reactions. It taught him how to control other bots with something as simple as the sound of his voice or the movement of his hips. It taught him the dangerous art of subtlety.
He’d made mistakes more than once and very nearly paid the ultimate price for it but there were a few rare occasions where he’d met bots that taught him that there was still some semblance of good in the world.
Unfortunately, Jazz isn’t very adept at putting this into words and he’s seen more than enough pity and disgust in the optics of his former lovers to ever want to bother explaining why his past doesn’t haunt him as much as it does Drift, for example.
He knows Soundwave won’t judge. That he won’t offer pity or disgust or attempt to rectify what most consider a faulty belief. But Jazz isn’t ready to divulge it just yet. Maybe some eon, he’ll be ready and Soundwave will be there to listen.
Soundwave’s never been one to hide things. In fact, he believes that the basis of a relationship is trust and complete openness. It’s how he’s dealt with his relationship with his symbionts and how he managed to survive eons in his position among the Decepticons.
But Soundwave has slowly grown to understand that there are particular aspects that are best left unspoken. Soundwave has various things he hides from Jazz: his fear of inadequacy, fear of oblivion, lack of belief in Primus, etc. But it’s ultimately his ever present affection for Megatron that he’s been loathe to ever mention.
Soundwave knows that his love for Megatron pales in comparison to the one he bears for Jazz and even if Megatron one day decided to pledge himself to Soundwave, he’d sooner turn his back on him than betray the bond he forged with Jazz.
But it will always hurt to see Megatron showcasing genuine affection for his own lovers, especially those who’d never offered him a smidge of the respect or attention that he deserves, when he’d glossed completely over Soundwave without so much as a second glance.
Soundwave dedicated his life and Spark to Megatron, loved and accepted him at his worst; forgave him when he was unforgivable and supported him when noone else would. He loved Megatron and Megatron never loved him.
And Soundwave still carries that pain with him to this day. Like Jazz, he hopes to divulge this one day and he’s hopeful that the day will come when he can do so without breaking apart.
29. Why do they fall a little bit more in love?
They fall a bit more in love every single day. When they wake up from memory influxes that remind them of the war and all they’d lost and see the other peacefully recharging, holding onto them as if they were afraid that they’d disappear. The smell of each other’s wax is the other’s favorite aroma and it makes their sparks spin a little faster.
The gentle murmurs that are exchanged to calm each other down when the memories of violence and death overtake their processor that slowly bring them back to reality.
It’s the soft touches: a hand on a shoulder, a pat on the cheek, the gentle pinch of one’s chin between the other’s thumb and forefinger. The soft caresses, full of kindness and adoration, that soothe the sting of unseen wounds.
The heat of one another during interfacing, the soft moans and whispered words of love that remind them that they’re each other’s world.
They fall a bit more in love each day because they constantly remind one another that life can be good and that they are more than deserving of the happiness and desire to continue living that they bring about in each other. They’re compatible, imperfect, spontaneous, calm, joyful, absolutely made for one another.
It’s contradicting, Soundwave would say, and words are too limited to truly encompass the why of all that they are.
But it’s absolutely perfect, Jazz states.
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