{borderline} princess

Life with borderline personality disorder as told by a borderline fighting for a better life. Sorry if anything you see here offends you; this is my raw, honest, and uncensored borderline experience. ♥ working towards recovery since January 3rd, 2013

[theborderlineprincess]

On a happier note here is proof that borderlines CAN get married and find a partner for life (even if therapists tell that person to break up with you due to your diagnosis- yes this did happen). Borderlines CAN find someone who won’t hate you because of your horrible mental illness. You can absolutely have a successful relationship. Granted, I have had to work my ass off to make sure I am keeping my abusive tendencies in check and I have struggled and still do… and sometimes I fuck up, but I try so hard. Our 1st anniversary is in 3 weeks. So much of what I see online indicates that borderlines ruin other peoples lives and that it’s in their best interest to get the fuck away from us. Nothing hurts me more than knowing that’s legitimately the advice people get. I almost ended my life because boyfriends wouldn’t stop leaving me… I could not take the pain or loss anymore. I truly felt I would be alone forever and that no one could ever love me. Now I’m married and have someone to share my life with, and even when we have horrible fights he never walks out on me and always reassures me he will never leave me. I gave him my rings back last weekend during a fight (wrong I know). Instead of taking them or leaving he put them back on my finger and reminded me that he would never leave. I want every borderline suffering right now to know this is an actual possibility. It’s not easy and you have to work really hard not to treat them poorly. But you won’t be alone forever. If I can find this, so can you. 💖

[theborderlineprincess]

This is rambling and probably makes no sense without the context so I’m sorry

Since my best friend here where I live told me she was moving I’ve been like fuck you and don’t even want to see her. I hate that she’s so controlled by her POS boyfriend and I hate that she’s leaving. I know I shouldn’t be mad and I should be supportive but I’m so fucking angry and sad and just want to have a friend who will spend time with me and respond to all my texts who won’t leave for once. She was the first person I didn’t have to worry about being annoying with my incessant texts and the first person who would actually do stuff spontaneously without having elaborate plans.... and of course she’s just walking out of my life. this all sounds so selfish it just fucking sucks bc now I’ll go back to not having friends in the area. Esp after our other friend fucking yelled at me and blew up at me and blamed ME for our friend group falling apart. That fucked me up, and now our friend group will be nonexistent. Just me and Jill left, who I am so thankful for but she’s going to have a baby and then ill literally just be on my own.

[theborderlineprincess]

I made a new best friend in the same city for the first time since college.

Tonight she came over and told me she took a new job 3 hours away and won’t be coming back after the summer.

Literally everyone always leaves. It feels pointless to try to have a life or connect with anyone because it’s always just temporary. Fuck this.

[theborderlineprincess]

It’s coming back.

It’s been a while.

About a year and 2 months to be exact, since I realized I was “feeling better”.

I can’t describe to you the bliss I felt in the year or so of peace that I had... it’s why I was MIA from Tumblr and quit posting. I didn’t need to.

But it’s all coming back. It’s forcing it’s way back into my life, uninvited, like the ex that texts you at 2am & suddenly has your whole heart in their hands again. This fog is engulfing me and it’s getting harder and harder to breathe. 

I’ve been popping klonopin like candy to get through the day, I ran out of my prescription 3 weeks early and didn’t even notice until I reached into the box to find it was empty.

Everything is black and white and the scariest part of it all is that I can recognize what is happening right now. I had considered myself “recovered” (which is a post for another time...) but now, I am painfully aware of the fact that I am slipping back into the darkness of bpd. 

I used all my fucking energy and every last will to live in order to climb out and finally “be okay”. I fought hard for 7 years to get that bliss, that victory, that joyous “light” at the end of the tunnel. I almost didn’t make it.  I already used all the fight I have, and I don’t know if I have what it takes to do this again. I can’t go back, but I’m already on my way... flying down the road at 100mph. 

[theborderlineprincess]

Med Changes

So I just got home from a psych appointment. I was getting really frustrated at the past couple of appointments I’ve had but this one went well. I think she finally heard me out on how crippling my anxiety has been… I’m on wellbutrin as my antidepressant but that doesn’t treat anxiety. I have some meds that I can take as needed for anxiety, but nothing that was helping to reduce it overall… So today she decided to add a small dose of celexa along with the wellbutrin to see if that helps. I was on SSRI’s previously but they never really worked for me in terms of the depression which got really bad… wellbutrin is the only thing that has ever seemed to help with sadness. Hoping this helps with the anxiety that I’ve been complaining about for so long. I’m sure many of you can relate to how complex it can be to handle these kinds of meds. I hate having to swallow so many pills (8-10 per day total now)… they make me gag -_-

[theborderlineprincess]

I just want to get rid of this daily random anxiety. I don’t remember it being this bad when I was in high school or even during my first few years of college... its like it all exploded during my last 3 semesters and then never got better

[theborderlineprincess]

been having a really bad couple of weeks. just needed to say that. things aren’t great. i keep blowing up and on monday night i had a full blown panic attack which i haven’t experienced in years. i had forgotten what its like and i couldn’t breathe. i thought i was having a heart attack/dying. i need to stop tumbling out of control. please. 

[theborderlineprincess]

great

So against my better judgment I wrote an extremely revealing and emotional post a couple of weeks ago about something I had done that I was ashamed of and how badly I’ve been slipping back into bad thoughts and behaviors lately, seemingly out of control. 

I get back on tumblr today for the first time since then, and find a bunch of fucking judgmental and rude comments on the post, as if these people know a damn thing about my life, lecturing me and telling me what to do. Basically telling me that I’m a terrible person for the way I said I had acted towards someone very close to me. You don’t think I already know that??? You think I don’t beat myself up for this shit every minute of every day already? I don’t really need YOU assholes who know NOTHING about my life or what I experience every day putting me down and telling me I’m a piece of shit for what I’ve done.

I’m trying. I’m doing the best I can. My best hasn’t been good enough lately and people that I love that are closest to me have been victims of my blow ups because of it. Unless you have borderline, you can never understand how that feels. You will never know the kind of pain I feel due to the fact that I just unintentionally cause chaos and upset people everywhere I go. You don’t know what it’s like to be told by your own self that you’re a bad person everyday. I’M FUCKING TRYING. 

I’m so disappointed right now. I used to come here to write honestly about my borderline experience. I guess I can’t do that anymore without getting lectured by the relationship police who clearly know more about my disorder than my therapist since they feel like telling me what to do!! GEE, THANKS! I HADN’T THOUGHT OF ANY OF THAT BEFORE!!!!!

The post has since been changed to private so that I don’t have to deal with anymore bullshit.  

[wereallmadhereanyways]

People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.

Martha M. Linehan (via icametogetstoned)

THIS is what I need my fiance to understand. so badly. 

[theborderlineprincess]

Moved back home to my parents house and found a journal from a few years ago. I had no idea I was borderline at the time, but this page says it all. I remember this day vividly, and I remember those cuts, and I remember how awful I felt when he left me. He stood there in the hallway of our dorm after having lunch with me (and acting totally normal) and said he didn't want to be with me anymore. I can still feel the gut wrenching pain of being left looking at this section of my journal.I don't know why I decided to leave a bloody print of my fresh cuts, I guess this was just all I had to say. Proud to say I haven't cut in over a year now. 15 months to be exact... It's hard, all the time it's so hard, but I'm getting there somehow.

[theborderlineprincess]

I hate myself again

Last Friday, my advisor at school told me “you’re lucky you got in” and went on to say that the only reason I got into this school is because of a misunderstanding between two professors that went in my favor. She then told me that this is what prompted them to end the program, that I am the last person who will ever go through it. And ever since then, I’ve been falling deeper and deeper into a horrible place of self-hate and wondering why I’m never good enough. I feel like crying all the time, and I feel like a fraud. Like I don’t deserve to ever do anything with music ever. I was proud of myself for getting into this school but it turns out it was just a fluke, so now I just can’t stop thinking about how shitty I am and how I don’t deserve anything and I should never play my instrument again and I shouldn’t be a teacher because clearly I’m not good enough myself so how could I possibly teach others. I hate this. I haven’t felt like this in a really, really, really long time. I can feel the people around me getting bored or sick of my self-degrading comments, so I start making them sarcastic, even though I mean it 100%. I can feel them getting sick of that, too. So now I don’t know what to do. I can barely have a normal conversation about anything else because this is all I can think about. Whenever people try to comfort me by saying the school is wrong and that I don’t actually suck, it just feels like they’re blowing smoke up my ass and I don’t believe it. It actually pisses me off. And if I try to make myself say positive things, it feels like a huge lie and that I’m being really irresponsible by not facing the grim truth which is that I suck and am worthless.

[theborderlineprincess]

Anxiety is rude

[theborderlineprincess]

This is my last full week of school and then all I have next week is one exam on Monday. I'm almost to the finish line....... Let's see if I can get through without any breakdowns this week.

[divine-noire]

Shoutout to that ex that you never actually dated but when y'all stopped talking it felt just like a break up

[theborderlineprincess]

that downward spiral... taking bets on when I’m gonna actually lose it

Cried in the middle of class today, love the way everyone looks at me when this happens and I can’t fucking STOP once the tears start. And it’s not because I’m sad either but because I’m so ANGRY and literally cannot fucking take it anymore and am so overwhelmed in every sense of the word... after an asshole professor called me out and made me feel stupid for asking a question I just started crying and couldn’t stop. 

then in my next class the professor wanted everyone to get up in front of the class and do something really nerve-wracking and unfamiliar, without any instruction or time to prepare, and I was sitting there getting so worked up and anxious that i actually left 3 times because i was sure i was going to throw up. I ended up telling the professor I had a migraine and was feeling nauseas so that I could just fucking leave. 

And now, ever since then (8 hours ago), I have not stopped thinking about all of this NONSTOP. It is on an infinite loop, torturing me. I replay the shit from the class where the professor made me cry, and i keep wondering if maybe I did something disrespectful or rude, or maybe i’m actually justified in my emotional response for once?? MAYBE this guy actually was a douche and I wasn’t just overreacting? But with borderline you can never be sure, right? so I sit here torturing myself wondering whether I was the one who fucked it up or not. and then I play the other class over and over again, thinking that everyone probably thinks I was faking sick just to get out of class before I had to do the activity. And worrying that the prof probably hates me now. And then I go back to thinking about the class where I cried, and it takes everything in me to not message someone from the class to ask them what they thought about it. 

No one wants to listen to you talk in circles forever and I know that it would probably only make things worse and draw more attention to something that in reality, i’m probably the only one obsessing over. But I can’t stop. I have the chat messages open in facebook and I am literally sitting on my hands at times to prevent myself from sending anything.

I need this day to stop and for these horrible thoughts to go away. I am plagued with guilt and self-hate about how I acted earlier. Any time I have any type of emotional response that isn’t happy, I get so angry with myself after the fact because it MUST be a borderline incident. So I sit here hating myself for trying to stick up for myself. I can’t win. I am literally my own worst enemy. Well that and all those people that I have decided I fucking hate. like this professor. I hate being this way. I hate this. I hate days like this. and to top it off I got a fucking parking ticket so there’s that. sorry for the long bullshit rant. i’ll stfu now. 

[theborderlineprincess]

Why. Do I stay up. For. No. Reason. 😒

[theborderlineprincess]

Sometimes I get so anxious and obsessive about needing to get stuff done that I actually end up backing myself into a corner where I get nothing done at all and instead I just stare at my to-do list for like an hour. Wtf. This is so stupid. I could've just gotten a couple things done instead of counting the number of things on the list?! Why do I do this??