Transcription of Celestial T.V. Spot: Steve Irwinâs Abyssal Creatures, #S15-2. Location: The Abyss, Layer #66, the Demonweb. Starring Steve Irwin, Directed by Inias, Produced by Metatron, All rights reserved: Celestial Broadcasting Center (CBC) and The Lord, He Who Is On High. Reproduction and/or distribution without express permission is punishable by a fine of up to $5,000 or eternity in Hell.
Steve Irwin crouches beside a gnarled tree covered in thick webbing.
STEVE: Gâday, Iâm Steve Irwin. Iâm here in the Abyss today, on layer 66, which you may know as the âDemonweb.â Come on over here. Let me show you a real beauty. (indicates creature). That big fella right there is called a bebilith. She must be four and a half meters tall. Now look at those legs! Those legs! Wow! Those legs could skewer me in one bad step. Or a good step if sheâs looking for it (laugh).
The bebilith drinks moaning souls from a steaming cesspool, then scuttles over to a stone spire to begin covering it in webbing.
STEVE: Sheâs got eight legs like an arachnid, but sheâs no ordinary house spider, I can tell you. Sheâs also got those big old claws. See that curve at the end like a fish hook? Or I guess pry-bar is a better comparison because sheâll take those wicked beauties and put them right here (indicates sternum) and tear me open like a bag of crisps. Weâll try to avoid that today (laugh). Come on, letâs try to get a closer look.
Steve carefully stalks closer and pauses when the bebilith looks at him.
STEVE: Here we are. Sheâs taken notice of me. Get a look at those eyes. Theyâve got the visage of damned souls in there, and sheâs trying to bind me with fear, because thatâll make me easy prey. If Iâm afraid, Iâll freeze. Iâm not that easy mate. Nice try. Iâm making small movements to show Iâm not paralyzed with fear, but Iâm still taking it slow so she doesnât perceive me as a threat. Thatâs it, mate. Thatâs it, mate.
Steve moves closer. The bebilith produces webbing from its backside and flings some at Steve. He dodges and circles the bebilith slowly.
STEVE: Boy! What a right trick sheâs got. (laugh). Did you see what she did there? That webbingâs not actually all that dangerous. None of the toxins youâll see in the Nest Shriekers, and nowhere near the tensile strength of a Derragon. Sheâs just trying to pin me down, even for a moment. But if sheâs got that moment, sheâll charge and then itâs all over for old Steve. Letâs not give her that moment, what do you say? (laugh). Come on, Mate. Thatâs it. Come on.
Steve approaches to within arms length of the bebilith. It remains stationary, but watches him.
STEVE: Sheâs still trying to figure me out. Iâm not all that bad. Youâre a beauty. Wow, look at that chitin. Imagine a Archonâs Sword on that armor. Sheâs like a tank. (bebilith shifts). Whoa, mate. Letâs keep away from those claws. Whoa, mate. Come on, mate. There we go. (laugh). Thatâs right. Iâm trying to put her at ease. A lot of people think demonâs are composed of pure chaos and evil, and that couldnât be farther from the truth. Theyâre just the lovely little gifts we get from the Abyssal Maw. They just need respect. Donât take that to mean you should walk right up and pet one, though. Donât forget, Iâm a professional. Just look at her. Wow!
BEBILITH: (Abyssal curses)
STEVE: Listen to that. Doesnât that just amaze you? What a commanding voice. What a majestic sound. Sheâs got a real range of vocalizations that she can use to warn off intruders or plant the seeds of madness in the mortal mind. Itâs a beauty. Wow. Now, you may notice Iâm keeping to her side right here. Thatâs for good reason, friends. I told you about her claws, but Iâm also keeping some distance from that wicked pair of mandibles she has there. Look at them. Wow! Must be 20 centimeters long. If she bites down on me, sheâll pump a good half-liter of poison right into my veins thatâll seize up my muscles in the blink of an eye. (laugh). Then Iâm ripe for the picking. Boy, what a bad day that would be. Youâve got a thousand ways to kill, donât you, mate?
The bebilith turns away from him and begins etching arcane runes into a bleached human skull with a sharp claw. Steve wraps his arms around a leg in a hug-like embrace.
STEVE: There we go, girl. There we go girl. (petting her). I can call her âgirlâ now because weâre in love. She knows Iâm not here to hurt her, and I know sheâs not interested in laying a clutch of eggs in my intestines. She may look like a giant spider-crab made of spines, but I know sheâs just a big softy. We were lucky to find her today. Here in the Demonweb, bebiliths are becoming harder and harder to find. Layer 66 in general is shrinking as other infinite layers grow and spring into existence. It could get squeezed down until our girl doesnât have the habitat to sustain her soul harvests any longer. What a shame. But thatâs just the way of life in the Abyss.
Steve touches the bebilith for a moment longer, then carefully backs away towards the camera.
STEVE: In a few millennia we might see the layer bounce back, and hopefully our girl here will still be going strong. Until then, weâll let her be. Oh, look at that beauty. Wow! I hope you had as wild a time as I did here with this beautiful bebilith. Iâm real excited we could make the trek all the way down here. The Abyss can be an amazing place if you know where to look. Thank you for joining me, and I hope to see you again soon on âSteve Irwinâs Abyssal Creatures.â Gâday!
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