Confessions of a food lover

Struggling with a food addiction, this blog will captivate a journey of a 24 year old female trying to find herself. Read it if you want to laugh, want to listen to a good rant, or if you're bored.

[motivateyourselfeachandeveryday]

[theconfessionsofafoodlover]

I’ve always been the girl who laughs at the joke a day later..

No one is born with all the answers to life. No one tells you early enough that you will experience a lot of emotions growing up. No one tells you how great some moments can be, and no one tells you how horrible some people will treat you. You simply have to figure it out on your journey. Everyone’s journey is different of course, that’s what makes life so spectacular. My issue on my journey has always been “living in the present”. I have struggled with living and breathing with my current situation. Instead I ponder about the future, and worry about the past. There are different reasons why I live this way, and now my question is, how do I change my thought process so I live in the present? 

I’ve been naive to the fact that if you want something in life, you have to work for it. Nothing comes for free or easy. Well, I want to live in the present, I want to live a healthy lifestyle and I want to feel secure about myself. But everyday I wake up and think about my future and dwell over the past. I choose fast food over of salads most days, and I keep putting myself down by not loving myself. When will the switch go off in my head “okay today is the day you change, no looking back?” Will this day ever happen for me? 

This is when I need to look deep within myself and change my thought process. If I don’t change the way my brain is wired, I will not be able to make the changes I want in my life. This is a realization I have come across recently and it makes perfect sense. Your probably reading this thinking “uh duhhhh!”, well ladies and gents, I’ve always danced to the beat of my own drum. Sometimes it takes longer for me to clue into things even when they are staring right at me. 

In order to change my thought process, this is what needs to happen:

1. Forgive and forget

There are a lot of moments in my past that I dwell on. Past relationships, mommy issues, and even moments I am ashamed of admitting. I need to learn to forgive the people who hurt me and move on. My mind would finally be free of the hurt, trauma and anxiousness by forgiving and forgetting. 

2. Trusting myself, and others

Once I have learned how to move on from the hurt in my past, I need to learn how to trust others again. See because people of have hurt me, I have lost trust in almost everyone who walks into my life, because I automatically think they will leave (cause lets face it - I’m crazy). For those who are sticking around and loving me for who I am, I need to trust that they have good intentions. I need to learn how to trust that not everyone will hurt me or leave me. 

3. Love myself, and accept love from others

Like a lot of women, I have struggled with my body image. My body has changed within the last 10 years, and currently I am at my heaviest. I don’t mind being a little heavier - curves are beautiful. What I do mind is that I don’t live a healthy active lifestyle and that’s what I want. I want to be the girl who goes to the gym, and eats healthy. This step just needs to happen, because I want to love myself. I know I would love myself and accept love from others if this is the lifestyle I led. 

I truly believe that these 3 steps in changing my thought process would help me significantly in becoming the women I want to be. This will help me live in the present, and not dwell over my past, it will help me trust myself again and ultimately love who I have become. 

Now I just need to start.. And that’s the hardest part. 

[theconfessionsofafoodlover]

Finding my individuality

I think in all of my blog posts, I reference my mother one way or another. That's because she has had a huge positive/negative influence on my life. Negative because of all the issues I suffer from. Positive because I wouldn't be me without these issues. One of the more negative influences she had on my life was taking away my individuality. My mother didn't have a very good childhood, therefore she vicariously lived her life through me growing up. Through the years of a young child, I was told what to do and when to do it, what sport I was going to join, what grades I should get in school, what gender of person I was going to "like" growing up, and so on and so forth. My dad was always away sailing in the Canadian Navy so my mother was the biggest influence in my life.

Because of the restrictions my mother has on me, I had no room to gain control over my own individuality. My mother never let me be a kid, she never let me be truly me. I was told from a very young age that I was "a blonde hair blue eyed girl who liked boys". My mother painted this picture for me and that's the life I lived. I went through my whole life living the life my mother wanted for me. I would dye my hair blonde because she wanted it that color, I would dress a certain way because that's the way she thought I should dress, she forced me to continue the sport I was doing because she didn't want to lose her socializing group. She did all of this because she was scared of looking like a bad mom in front of other people. So she controlled everything I did to protect herself, but ruined the better part of my life without me even realizing it.

 Now that I am a 24 year old woman(ish), and I am realizing I am still trying to find my individuality. I sometimes sit there and think "what truly makes me happy?". It's a question I have never been able to answer because she always controlled my happiness. I am now in control of it, and I don't know what to do. I'm kind of stuck in a place where I think I know what makes me happy, but I don't truly know what pure happiness feels like so I'm not sure. I know my boyfriend makes me happy, I know writing in this blog makes me happy, I know watching Netflix makes me happy, I know coloring makes me happy.. But beyond that I am stuck.

 My boyfriend and I had a long discussion about this the other day. Of course is was filled with my tears, emotions and a lot of "I love you's". I have to say, I am the luckiest girl in the world to have found a man like him. He would go to the end of the earth for me, and I couldn't be happier when its a good day. But when its not (which is more often than not), things aren't so good. Because of my issues finding happiness, I put him in a horrible position. He feels the need to make me happy which he can't in the way that I need to be. I need to be happy with myself and find my individuality. That's something I need to discover with time, patience and maybe a little bit of creativity.

 Now I'm stuck wondering how to do this.. I guess I should create a list of things I know I like to do and go from there. 2015 is mission finding my individuality.

[southofcincinnati]

[reconstructingthai-deactivated2]

Seriously!

[theconfessionsofafoodlover]

Pretty much sums up my life! 

[theconfessionsofafoodlover]

Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

2 weeks ago, I left the job I had known and loved (at one point) of almost 3 years. It was hard breaking away from my comfort zone and trying something new, but I knew it had to be done. With my overbearing asshole boss, the tedious endless tasks I was always doing because I couldn’t say no to anyone, and the low paycheck, it was easier to walk away from than I thought. 

Now that I have been gone for a couple of weeks and started my new job, I realized how good I had it with my previous employer. I work really well bopping to my fav BSB songs or being able to take breaks whenever I wanted too to just go and chat with “the girls”. But with this new company, I have timed breaks, no cell phone usage or listening to music during working hours, and there is absolutely no one my age that I work with. Its definitely a big adjustment. The hardest part is being away from my ex co workers. 

I had grown to love many of the people I had worked with previously. 

The bitch - Oh the bitch knew she was a bitch, but when she got a couple of drinks into her or if she wasn’t at work, she was actually a fun loving individual. She taught me how to be a better professional person and because of that I am forever grateful. 

The best friend - This woman was there for me every step of the way. Through all the heartache, laughter, tears, and of course costco runs, she was truly a good friend and she is definitely missed.

The complainer - It didn’t matter what happened in her life, she complained about it. I believe this was her way of hearing herself speak but none the less, she does give great hugs. 

The quiet one - This is a girl I could trust with my life. She was always there for me when I needed to talk about anything, regardless if it was something positive or negative. I will definitely miss our afternoon office chats.

The hot grandma - This woman doesn’t have it easy with raising her daughters kid and working for someone who doesn’t appreciate her. But she always knew how to hide that and put a smile on her face for show. She is a very brave woman and I learned a lot from her that I hope I can benefit from.

The office mom - Growing up my mom and I didn’t have the best relationship. So when I met this woman, she filled that void. I definitely miss seeing her on a daily basis and getting those motherly hugs 

Even though all of these women had a huge impact on my life, the person I miss the most is myself. I was a different person working for that company. I was open, blunt, honest, and charismatic. With this new job, I kind of grew up a little. No more inappropriate  joke making. No more loud obnoxious Angelina. Now I am the professional version of myself. That version of Angelina kind of died when she walked out the doors of Kerr. In a way this is a very good thing but its also sad. It’s almost like I’m grieving. 

Now I’m just someone that I used to know.. 

[today-ifuckedup]

Today I fucked up...by trusting a “hot local single in my area” on a dating app

Greatest/worst thing ever just happened to me, so buckle up folks..it’s story time:

Girl on a dating app tells me in the first few messages that I’m really cute (true) and interesting (also true) and asks me to meet her at 1140am for coffee at a random McDonald’s. When I ask if she’s a 45 year old man trying to harvest my organs, she proceeds to send me 15 pictures in a row that look like they’re straight from Facebook. Because that’s how you convince somebody you’re real (not true).

Now normally I don’t accept propositions like this because I’m thinking “what’s the catch?” Well, I decide to live a little on the YOLO side…and since it’s right next to a Subway Sandwich shop I think that the worst that could happen is it’s a 45 year old lonely man, I give him a big hug because I know the feeling as a 25 year old lonely man, get a tasty sandwich, then go home. Apparently that was NOT the worst thing that could happen.

I show up. She shows up. She’s real. I’m surprised. I buy her coffee because I subscribe to traditional gender roles unless requested otherwise. She uses her McCafe frequent buyers card so she gets stamps. Its cute. While the guy is making her drink, she tells me to go find a table outside in the sun. I go outside and find the perfect goddamn table because I’m a romantic at heart. 5 minutes later. 10 minutes later. 15 minutes later. No girl. I text her the typical guy message “lol u get lost???”. No response. Turns out she took the coffee and left.

So I’m not saying it’s bad to leave a date if you feel uncomfortable or aren’t attracted to them. It’s totally your decision. But I don’t think that’s the case…I think this girl is a serial McCafe dater. And I don’t think this was her first time. It was too professional. Too clean. It was the perfect McHeist. And I’m starting to think I’m not even mad…she didn’t steal my credit card, or my organs. Just a few euros.

And my heart.

[wordsnquotes]

And that’s the thing about people who mean everything they say. They think everyone else does too.

Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner (via wordsnquotes)

a great book <3

[alexvaause]

[theconfessionsofafoodlover]

Oh hey

[theconfessionsofafoodlover]

But you have tattoos..

I started my new career path. This career path is much different than what I’m used to. See, I’m a city girl. I picked my life up and moved to the country for a man (I know, I’m crazy but in love) and now my life is very different. I wake up to the smell of cow shit, I drive through the country side to get to work and now everyday I spend 9 hours of my life in a machining shop. You may wonder what that is exactly, well.. I have the same wonder. I have been there for 2 days, and I have no idea what the technicians do on a daily basis. I am forced to wear steel toe boots which are clunky and uncomfortable, I am surrounded by grease and dirt, and I am the youngest person that works in the building. Overall, I have received a lot of positive vibes from this place thus far. But one thing.. my boss decided to bring up “tattoos” for discussion. If you don’t already know, I am covered. I am currently working on a sleeve. So I knew when my boss brought this up, I thought it would be a good topic of conversation. I was wrong.

My new boss, who I was getting lots of positive feedback from doesn’t think women should have tattoos because he is “old fashioned”. He then asked me to cover up these tattoos when meeting with customers and try to wear long sleeve shirts when I can because they are unprofessional. Stunned, I just nodded along and agreed with what he was saying, but inside I was cringing and feeling very sad. For the first time in my life, I felt discriminated against for being different. Are we living in the 17th century people? no.. 

I have always been the different one in my group of friends, my family and with my coworkers. But I have never made to feel bad about it, they just accepted me for my crazy silly self. So to feel sad for not being 100% accepted because of something that I have done to my body permanently. This really made me question my decision to even get tattoos. 

Tattoos to me are a way to make yourself stand out in a crowd. They are conversation starters, they are to remember loved ones that are now passed, they are there to tell your story. Yes maybe not inappropriate tattoos are best for a work environment, but I would like to think my tattoos are tasteful, beautiful and meaningful. They are there to remind me of who I am, where I have been, who I have lost in my life. I don’t feel as though someone should be making me feel bad about my tattoo decisions. 

After thinking through this conversation I had with my boss and debating with my boyfriend about it, I’ve decided to let it go for now. After all I am on a 3 month probationary period and I need to be the best I can be for the first 3 months to guarantee my job. And I have decided to take a different approach to this conversation than I would normally. I think this is a step in the right direction to becoming an adult.. 

I’ve decided to make them see past tattoos and other body modifications some people may have, and get them to see the person for who they really are. I feel like a company as big as what they are would benefit greatly by having diverse individuals working for they’re company. Whether these people are of different race, have tattoos or piercings, have rainbow colored hair.. The people who are not afraid to express themselves with their bodies can be very wonderful individuals. I think this company should be taking more chances on people like me. It’s my job to show them why I guess. 

[theconfessionsofafoodlover]

Not a girl, not yet a woman..

So ladies and gentleman, my readers, my fans.. I got the job and I moved in with my boyfriend. It has been a wonderful couple of weeks, but also sad. I’m sad because I am leaving my comfort zone filled with friendships and laughs and stepping into an unknown environment. I am definitely excited for my new adventure, but I’m nervous as well. See I have realized that this is my time to grow up and become a woman. I’m kind of stuck in the middle. I’m not a girl anymore, but I haven’t transitioned into womanhood yet either. It’s weird but its wonderful to be able to recognize this and start working towards becoming the woman I know and want to be. 

What makes a woman a woman? The stereotypical answer is when you become a woman, you cook and clean, you make sure your man/woman’s stomach is full (depending on your sexual orientation), you make sure your loved one has a cold drink in their hand, your number 1 saying is “yes dear” and your partner is satisfied in the bedroom. This is what womanhood looked like back in the day.. 

Womanhood to me is the list of things below 

1. Believing in yourself - stop letting others choose your destiny and be happy for yourself and yourself only. At the end of the day, you have to look out for number one. 

2. Having good people in your life - its time to ween out those catty bitches and spend time with the people who care about you. Why waste time with girls who are just going to talk about you behind your backs when you have friends that will make fun of you too your face in a loving way? 

3. Apologizing and meaning it - if you make a mistake or hurt someone, say your sorry and mean it. Own up to your mistakes and learn from them for the next time. 

4. Don’t take the little things for granted - Make sure to savor all the little moments in life. After all, that's really what life is made of - little moments. 

5. Forgive and forget - don’t let your past hold you down. Forgive those who hurt you and forget them. They are just holding you back from your future, 

6. Think before you speak - make sure to think carefully before speaking if you are angry or sad. You may say something you will regret. 

7. Make goals and reach them - stop making goals for yourself and giving up after 2 weeks because you think you can’t achieve it. Work hard and the results will be endless. 

8. Don’t forget to have fun - this doesn't mean going to the dome every weekend.. this means have fun in whatever you do. If it makes you happy do it again. 

9. Stop worrying - don’t sweat the small stuff. Most likely your just making a mountain out of an anthill. 

10. Love yourself - no matter what your body image issues you are, love who you are, what you have accomplished and always strive for more. 

If you can achieve these things, then you have passed over into womanhood. I am still working on this list, but I’m sure I’ll get there eventually. For now, I’ll cook and clean and make sure my man is happy :)

[theconfessionsofafoodlover]

Taking the plunge

The time has come where I am all grown up and I am moving in with a boy.. Yes ladies and gentleman, its been a long road to get here but tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow I pack all of my clothes, my furniture and my materialistic items and move my butt to the country. And I couldn't be more excited. But lets look back on how I got here... 

High School 

My first crush - This would have been my best friend (at the time) - her cousin. So I knew him for quite some time. We would play track and field every night, we would all have movie nights together. But when I was growing up, I was rather unfortunate looking. I eventually grew into my looks and I think that's when this guy finally decided to give me a chance. We dated for 11 months. We would make out until our lips were raw because we were too scared to take the next step. It was kind of precious. 

My first love (kind of) - I ended up breaking up with my first crush for the french guy. This guy was romantic and had a big personality like me. I lost my virginity to him and had that awful condom mishap (earlier post). But we always fought about silly things. And then I met the Italian

My first real love - The Italian came into my life towards the end of mine and the french guys relationship (around the 11 month mark of course). The italian was coming down to the city to take over a TKD school. I instantly fell in love with his dark skin and deep set eyes. What I didn't know was what came with those attractive traits. He quickly turned into an abusive person with stories I will keep to myself for now. And for some reason I couldn't get out. Until I met the girl. 

My first girl crush - Oh the Koodo girl.. I don’t know what attracted me to this girl, but I had never felt this kind of chemistry with anyone else. So one of our mutual friends tried to set us up which failed miserably. I was in therapy for being a victim of domestic abuse and she was still in a long term relationship with a 35 year old woman. We have had off and on encounters (lets call them that) throughout the years... :)

College 

The toker - After my abusive relationship with the Italian, I wanted something completely different. So I switched genders, and then I found the toker. This guy was the biggest stoner/skateboarder/hippy guy ever. And he could never get it up. Was it my vagina or the amount of weed he smoked? 

The 30 year old that lived in his basement - I was desperate okay? I still don’t know what I was thinking with that one.

The crazy one - I dated a guy that got jealous that Edward Cullen was on my birthday cake. He got so angry and upset that he punched the stirring wheel and broke the controls. Enough said. 

The nice guy - I met the nice guy in college and he was amazing. However, I was not attracted to him. So I broke his heart. I still feel bad about it. 

Adult life 

The pilot - I met this guy in a bar. I farted during sex with him. He cheated on me with a stripper, the end. But damn he looked good making breakfast topless.. 

My second love - I met this guy online and our first date lasted 6 hours in a coffee shop. We both had big personality’s and we always had fun. Until he made me feel bad about how I felt. And then shit went downhill from there. He eventually broke up with me over the phone after a year and a half. Coward. 

The musician - You know when someone catches your eye from far away and you kind of fall in love? Well that's what happened with him. This happened however when he was singing a love song. I then got to know him and he was just weird and bad in bed. I ended up becoming a lesbian and breaking things off with him on valentines day. 

Mid life crisis

Lesibehonest - I thought I was a lesbian for a short amount of time in 2014. I decided to tell everyone and I decided to date girls. I went on a couple of dates, hooked up with a couple of girls. And then I met the girl with the tongue piercing. All this relationship was was for me to experiment. So by this I mean me use her for sex and find out if licking vagina was really want I wanted. I eventually learned that being a lesbian or a straight man is very difficult. Neither my hand/arm or tongue had the power to keep a woman satisfied. It takes a lot of friggen work! And then I met Brandon - the love of my life. 

Present day

The love of my life - I met Brandon half online and half through a mutual friend. As soon as I met him I pegged him as the nice guy and immediately wrote him off. He was too good for me and I knew it. I always went for the assholes. But he didn't think this. He saw something special between us and fought for me. He wanted me to give him another chance at this. So I did and I am so glad. He made me see that we were cut from the same cloth with very similar insecurities, loves and hobbies. We truly balance each other out. What he doesn't like to do, I like doing and vice versa. And this weekend, I am moving in with him. I cannot wait to just sit on the couch with him, wake up to him every morning and go to bed with him every night. He is the epitome of what a good man is. I couldn't ask for more. <3 

[theconfessionsofafoodlover]

What if?

When you have anxiety, you make up scenarios in your head. To you, they sound completely and utterly rational. If you were to express these scenarios to anyone other than yourself, well, you may sound a little cray. I happen to do this quite frequently. It doesn't matter what kind of medication I am taking or the professional help I am seeking, I still make up these little scenarios of what ifs. 

This is a big struggle for those with an anxiety illness. They constantly think what if. Well I have a big what if. What if I can overcome the “creation of scenarios” that goes on in my head? What if I could live a life without thinking the worst? What if I could stop taking medication? 

Maybe the problem with trying to overcome our anxiety issues is that we are constantly bringing ourselves back to the negative what ifs. But what if we thought, or at least tried to think of positive what ifs? 

Here’s some of mine.

What if I get that job I applied for? What if I would be making more money? 

Well I would move in with my boyfriend, save more money than I am now, live a little more comfortably in the country side, and be a little more happy than I am now.

What if my mother got help?

If my mother got help, it would completely change our relationship for the better and that would be great. 

What if I overcome my weight issues?

I struggle with the person I see myself as in my head, with the person who I actually am in real time. If i became the person i want to be in my head, I know I would be more happy. I would lose weight, overcome my food addiction, and be able to fit into my old clothes. This would be amazing. 

I’m going to make it a personal goal of mine to start thinking positive what ifs. Life is going to happen, and if negative things occur, well you learn from the experience and move on. But if positive things occur, we need to embrace them rather than turning into a negative what if. Just let the good things happen guys. It feels great. 

What is your positive what if? 

[soul-frosts]

[alexvaause]

[theconfessionsofafoodlover]

girl crush 

[theconfessionsofafoodlover]

But with you..

“My whole life has been a series of doors in my face, then suddenly I bump into you”... Okay, sorry no this post is not the lyrics to the frozen soundtrack. But that particular lyric holds a place in my heart because for the most part, that is how I feel in this moment. When I became a teenager, like any young female adult, I was lost and confused. I went through weird phases, different clothing trends and awful makeup habits. Also, when I became a teenager, it was all about boys/girls, sex and alcohol. For the most part that was me trying to fit in. A lot of memories and heart break came out of these years though.. 

I went through relationships like I was changing my underwear. My trend with relationships though was 11 months. I wouldn't stay with anyone for more than 11 months. I still til this day have no idea why that was, I just couldn't keep someone in my life past that mark. With each 11 month relationship I had I experienced different things. Some of these relationships were filled with love and romance, and others were filled with hate and abuse. These relationships carried on into my 20′s, and after my last heart break, I never thought I was going to meet anyone. 

Last year I kind of had a early life crisis. I went through yet another phase in my life. This phase involved spending copious amounts of money on tattoos, food, clothes, and god knows when else. This phase also included me becoming a “lesbian” for a short amount of time. I really thought that the reason why these relationships weren't working was because I liked girls all along. I have always had a thing for the female anatomy, but never really acted on it until last year. 

I declared myself as “gay” and ran with it. I signed up for Tinder and swiped right on all kinds of beautiful ladies. I had a short term fling with a girl I have known for years and experienced a lot of what being a lesbian was all about. And then I decided I was done with girls. I had my fling, I licked a vagina, and that was it. I experienced what I needed to and I wanted to date men again. 

So I was back in the dating pool again. Looking for a mate that would satisfy me in every way. I wasn't looking for a fling or a short sexual romance, I was looking for the real deal. And that’s when my current boyfriend arrived into my life. At first, I deemed him as the “nice guy”. Something you need to know about me, I never dated the nice guys. I always went for the assholes. And even though I tried to break things off with this guy, he fought for me. He saw something in us and went for it. And I’m so glad he did..

Currently, we are at the 11 month mark. Our relationship is nothing short of amazing. We compliment one another. He is the quiet guy who doesn't say a whole lot, and I’m the big personality that likes to be the center of attention. Yes of course, we are human, we bicker and get on each other’s nerves from time to time. But we have a great relationship. We are going to be moving in with one another after our 1 year anniversary. I can’t wait for that journey. 

After all is said and done, yes I have had a lot of relationships, some with women, some with men. I have experienced a lot over the last 8 years of my life. But without those experiences I wouldn't be who I am today. And I am proud of who I am. 

[theconfessionsofafoodlover]

What does the word ‘friend’ mean?

Today I had a conversation with my dear friend of 21 years. We have known each other from the age of 4 and have been friends since. We are the kind of friends that can go months without talking/hanging out and pick up right where you left off. This is great for us because I work full time and I am moving away, whereas she is a nursing student looking to buy a house with her boyfriend. So we are definitely busy with our schedules and don’t have a lot of time to just get together and hang out. But when we do, its great. We chat about everything! Boyfriends, girlfriends, future plans, gossip. Its like we haven't just gone 3 months without having a conversation. 

Today our hang out took place in the cutest little cafe, and I had my first “London Fog” coffee beverage. She is always introducing me to new things. Needless to say, she clearly makes my life better. Anyways! During our lovely conversation, she mentioned that one of our mutual friends said something rather hurtful to her this weekend. My friend and her boyfriend of 4 years are currently looking into purchasing a home. They are very excited for this as they should be. When you are excited about something, you want to share that with the ones you love. Well, our mutual friend was not having it. 

My friend mentioned her exciting news over the weekend, and instead of being happy for her, our mutual friend made a comment like “it seems like everyone can buy a house but us” (she was referring to herself and boyfriend). My friend was very hurt by this because she is so excited for her new adventure with her boyfriend. My friend doesn't understand how someone who calls her they're best friend can’t be happy for her. This mutual friend of ours has been with the same jackass for a couple of years. 1 failed pregnancy, 2 babies, and a half a dozen breakups later, and here we are to this comment that she made. 

I guess my whole reasoning for this post is - when does it come a time in your life when you start reevaluating the word “friend”? My friend is a very genuine person who would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it. Our mutual friend on the other hand to 2 faced, fake, and isn't a good friend. When will my friend see that this person is not a girl spend time with because your just wasting it? I guess that's for her to figure out. I’ll just be there to guide her along. 

Is it ever okay to end a friendship? Should we be wasting our time with people who are negative influences on our lives? Is it okay to hurt someones feelings just so you can be happy?