The War Between Heart and Brain: Ironically, Thoughts
I'm far too cerebral about love. I've always wanted to control it in my head, but it doesn't live there. Moving my loving from my brain to my heart would mean my brain would have to deal with the consequences of "poor" heart decisions; but what I'm just starting to understand is that my heart is still myself. I am not only my brain or another function I can trust. And I need to begin to open myself up to that, even if I make mistakes along the way. Forgiving myself for mistakes is a whole 'nother matter. Trying to control my heart with my brain is my way of clutching to an unforseen but hopefully happy and successful future--a strange but easy way to protect myself against the pain of perceived failure. But the catch is, if I'm fully in the present, that's the only time things actually turn out well, because I can check myself in light of whether or not I made decisions at my fullest capacity, with the information I had at the time.
The undoing of this fear is a long and winding road, this blog post being one step on that journey. So often, in my experience, we cut ourselves off from discomfort in order to alleviate short-term pain; but this quick-fix mentality turns from harmless to habit, and when we begin to ignore our feelings, meanwhile pretending that we're not, that's when the real physical and emotional pain starts to root within. Please allow yourself to air out the dark parts of you. It's completely okay that they're there, because you were doing the best you could. But once that danger (emotional, physical, etc.) has passed, try and allow yourself to let go of panic mode stored in your body in ways you may not even realize. All this takes is breathing and time. Set an intention (loving, compassionate--whatever healing TLC you may need) without putting pressure on yourself to "figure it out" or "fix" the problem, allowing the intention to heal you from within, working its way out to bring simple air into the boxes you've packed away and put in darkness. Can you tell I've been practicing yoga?
I only administer this advice as all advice is: to myself, more than anyone, based on my own limited experience, writing it down so I can grasp the gravity of it--but hoping you can find something valuable in it enough to use in your own story.
As I try to implement these "tools" I've developed for dealing with life, I of course still take a few turns I didn't expect, but again, I'm starting now to see that as a good thing. I shouldn't know everything. Things should surprise me. Things should awe me. Things should stir my soul as often as possible. I don't need to know everything. And as a human, there is no way I can become an omnicient presence that understands, forsees, and completes all. I'm limited in my human form, and instead of denying that we're not perfect, it's so much more healthy to embrace humanity.
We are an expression of the universe, and there's no point in hating our limitations. Because how else could we truly understand what we are and why we are here? Certainly not by denying our impulses and feelings--they come from somewhere. And openly, wholeheartedly loving yourself is to love where you came from, however you choose to describe it. I don't know if there's any true life hack, any way to surpass the flaws inevitably weaved into what this experience is on Earth, but what if we acknowledge the flaws? What if we become okay with them? Imagine a world where we weren't jealous of other people's strengths, and embraced one another based on whatever we've succeeded in being good at, by our naturally given skills? I'm indulging a tangent, but you see where this is going.
The head-and-heart battle is my own. And I'm working on being okay with it enough to let it go.
At the heart of it (had to pun), I've found it boils down to this:
Be good to yourself. Your good energy will spread into the world to heal it in the way that it needs. You become the source of positive, compassionate intention. And you already have the key inside you. That's the true beauty of being what we are: we can tap into the understanding that everyone is a different expression of the same self, which liberates us from physical limitation.
What a cool thing the universe has done for us.
What a beautiful being you are.
What an amazing gift, to open ourselves to the breadth of human experience.
What a learning opportunity.
Please embrace the journey. It's meant for you. It's trying to help you understand both your light and darkness, so that you can become a whole being, connected with everyone in the world.
I leave you with a picture I love, with a quote from Courtney A. Walsh:
jacobvanloon
yousharknotpass
titsay
dailybridgerton
janainaart
areudirty
