Where MY thoughts linger

I have 2 blogs already but one is not appropriate and the other I have people I know following me. I don't wish to share my thoughts with them. Rather I wish for my own safe haven to express my thoughts...without fear of it getting back to me.

[thedoveandthecrow]

Long time

I can't figure out why R is still in my mind. 

She's been out of my life for about 2 years. 

I'm in a current 2 year plus relationship.

Yet I keep thinking about her. She's even in a long term relationship too, probably about a year and a half. Yet it still is thought of in that way. 

[thedoveandthecrow]

Woke Up With a Sudden Craving For My Ex

I woke up today and I dont know if it was a flashback to our good times or just remembering how beautiful and sexy she was, or just the insanely rough and kinky sex that we had, or maybe her new position of power but I've been craving R bad today. I hope this is just a passing feeling but right now it's one of those "fb creeping is probably a bad idea" scenario. I'd really want to have one more with her to be honest but NO. Bad Me.

I have to learn to be honest with myself. This is why my writing in this post is different than the others. The others were deep and meaningful but those were posts that I thought about alot. I'm trying a new tactic and writing the things in my head I know to be going on right now.

Long story short, something in me is like..."I want R." I want to relive one of those nights. Those are the kind of nights to remember, and the stories and dreams live on.

I'm just feeling really bad (naughty) and just want to ravish her verryyy badly.

[thedoveandthecrow]

Update

She ends up telling me she is interested in me equally but as stated in my first post about F...she's getting engaged soon (no that isn't wrong, they have planned out their engagement...not their wedding)

So it looks like I'm out of luck in that scenario. But I was vastly more afraid of losing my friendship with her and it just goes to show how close we actually are since we hung out today and it was just as always. WE can be truly open with each other and say everything and still be able to do whatever the next day.

[thedoveandthecrow]

Just told my best friend the truth

How I cant stop thinking about her

How its been 5 years, 4 different girls and still i think about her.

How I doubt this is a crush and how I could be in love.

Moral of the story, dont tell the truth. And if you do, make sure you do it on april fools. That way you have an out just in case.

[thedoveandthecrow]

Can you Feel That?

It's the unfortunate shaking of my world as the earthquake known as reality is coming closer.

I feel my world crumbling slowly around me and all I have that distracts me from the inevitable destruction of all I've worked so hard to reach is my games. 

I've been absorbed into a life that does not make a remote difference to my real one. My hours are spent on pathetic excuses of missions and anger and frustration that don't deserve to be spilled on such meaningless tasks.

Yet I'm stuck, an addiction has formed. There's no point in going back into it but I can't help it. I fear too much what I've put off. It builds up and overconsumes me to the point where I just want to burn all my work and go back into virtual reality. 

The burning sensation in my chest will cool down due to the distraction of the amazing graphics and mediocre gameplay.

And So I sign my days away to a game that will in time become obsolete and therefore having my days and hours be all for nothing but another level.

[thedoveandthecrow]

Future Occupation

My goal for the longest of time was to be a professor where I would one day attempt to aid in improving the presentation of information to college students as best as possible and to try and make learning as fun as it could be with a subject as dreadful as math.

(I love the subject, and I love teaching it, I have been a tutor for years)

Here I am on the path to it and a crippling fear of stage fright stops me from getting closer to my goal. 

People always tell me "it's not so bad. There's nothing to worry about." 

You can't say that to someone who's been through it and still feels the same afterwards than before.

I have done presentations, I have done oral reports. I have been afraid and shaken up beforehand. I have done them only because there was no other way of avoiding them. And I hate doing them with a passion still.

I have ways to avoid public speaking depending on the class I take right now. But I wish I would be less fearful.

I'm not one to plan ahead so I know you're probably thinking how was I going to try to be a professor when I'm afraid of public speaking.

The thing is, that is the reason why I want to be a professor and not a teacher. 

A teacher is more limited in how they should present information, must be more "bland" than professors. Now please don't think this is a jab at teachers. They do wonderful jobs but I just wouldn't be able to censor myself as much as they need to compared to professors.

Professors, as I've seen, can be themselves while teaching more than teachers. 

How I've tutored in the past few years is not necessarily by being professional. I want both of us to be comfortable so they can be open enough to ask me any question they need to on the subject and so they can learn it. 

That's how I'd want to be a professor. Yes it involves public speaking but I see that form differently. I see it as being yourself as a professor with some math. I want to make math fun.

I can't be serious when I'm in front of a class or the public. It would freeze me. I would need the freedom to be able to be myself, make a joke, jump around if I want to...

I wrote this all because my gf and I were discussing how much I hate public speaking and she tried telling me it's not that bad. And in explaining how I felt on the subject, I had a little freak out. She responded by telling me I needed to reevaluate my future profession.

Even though I was already reevaluating because I don't know if my passion is strong enough for the tremendous amount of work a doctoral program requires, it still hurt to hear that. 

to be fair I shouldn't have had a mini freak out I suppose but I'm not a big fan of those. Say what you will but don't say I haven't tried because I have in very low to high pressure moments and none have made me think it wasn't bad because they are. They are different from what I wish to do and know I can do when I'm myself. All of those were professional. I know professors are to be professionals too but they are given the freedom to teach the class how they see fit. If I decide to compare multiplication of matrices to tire slashing then I bet I would get students' attentions wouldn't I?

It's little things like that that make me think I was born to be a professor...not the polished up type though. The one that would walk in and be knowing all the students' names and be friendly with them as they are to you. I know everyone wishes to be that professor but I know i CAN be.

[thedoveandthecrow]

I Want to Settle

I'm a person that just wants to be happy and relaxed.

I know that's not the norm where people want to do better than yesterday.

But in my mind you lose way too much of today by doing that.

I encourage everyone to always strive for better, but I think staying still and allowing myself to enjoy the now is where I wish to be for some time. 

But I can't unfortunately due to obligations...there is no rest.

And I don't mean that yolo shit. I mean allow myself to relax for some time, not to give myself a reason to risk everything.

I'm tired of living in risks and opportunities to achieve greater. Why am I not allowed the time to be happy for what I've already achieved? 

Everyday everyone achieves something but it is overshadowed by the things we wish to do and in those underappreciated moments we lose some grains of relaxation and tranquility.

[thedoveandthecrow]

I Read a Post

It said if you are still friends with someone you loved,

it means you never loved them or you still are...

It made me wonder is that why I want to be friends with R?

Am I still in love with someone who not only treated me badly but I treated badly? (It wasn't all her, I fucked it up quite a bit)

Maybe I'm just trying to redeem myself and show her I'm not a bad person.

My gf makes me feel great just being me but my relationship with R was walking on eggshells from the moment I started breathing around her.

Even when I'm sleeping I'm doing something wrong, whether it be rolling away from her when I'm knocked out or just being a dick to her in her dreams which are never remotely close to reality....

Yet why do I think about her...It was terrible but she is a wonderful person... 

Some people you just fall in love with are not compatible to you.

That's what this was. We were very opposite of each other. And not like opposites complete each others' weakness to strengthen the bond.

Opposites as though we set fire to each others' strengths to burn the bridge between us.

[thedoveandthecrow]

Well My self esteem took a Hit

I just creeped on R and see she's doing extremely wonderfully since we last talked.

I'm glad for her but I feel like I haven't gone anywhere. Sure I have an amazing opportunity and fellowship yet I feel like shit compared to her.

It's probably the worst type of motivation to hope she is slightly creeping on me too so I can try and turn it around and show her that I'm better off without her.

(Can I honestly do that? She was a strong person. I was the weak one...)

I have to try though. 

(self esteem gradually decreasing unfortunately)

Don't creep. Just continue with the ignorance. It's quite blissful.

[thedoveandthecrow]

My ex girlfriend R

You know it's funny, we haven't legitimately talked in about a year...

Yet you still creep into my head so very often. Maybe it was because you were the the girl I loved....Maybe it was because your smile really made my day...

Maybe it was because of how strong you were and how I admired that so much.

I want to talk to you so bad but at the same time I can't allow myself to.

Because i can't allow to risk my amazing relationship now...It just sucks though, to have someone who was so near and dear to my heart just up and completely be strangers the next day.

It hurts...and its happened very often. And I thought I would be over that pain but yet here I am listening to depressing music and writing this post. 

I'm sitting here listening to the song that me and her sang so very very much together thinking that it was just a really good song...

Now I sit here listening to it and it has now defined what our relationship has become.

I hear myself in that song....

I hear you in that song. I get goosebumps when I hear it cuz I hear us going back and forth like we used to when we sang it...

Everybody probably knows the lyrics to the song by now but I read them, sing them...and i promise you...every line of that song is my relationship. If you ever want a quick synopsis of me and R...just listen to that song....REALLLY listen to it. IT burns to hear. but yet i put myself through it. Her image and memories forver burned into the depths of my mind.

But just like the title

Now you're just somebody that i used to know...

[thedoveandthecrow]

About this Blog

I haven't posted in a few days

I just wanted to state that I apologize but I want this blog to truly be from the heart so that whenever I post it will be truly strong and will be something that I feel extremely strongly at that moment.

I want this blog to implant my emotions as much as possible and allow me to share as much of my inner thoughts as possible.

Those thoughts that echo throughout my mind until either it is amplified enough for me to tell someone or that I am driven insane by the crowded sounds of my screaming thoughts.

They would stay in for so long that truth and lies become intertwined with each other to a point where I cannot differentiate between them.

I do not intend to be an artistic blog, I intend this blog to be a reflection of my fears, my past, my future, myself, my peers and my foes.

I also wish to help other people if possible with this blog. Give advice to anyone that ever needs it. With 23 years under my belt now I would hope I have some words of wisdom under this facade of immaturity.

Please I encourage any of my followers to either drop a simple message or if they need a hand, allow me to assist. 

Until then, I will be sharing many stories that I've gone through that no matter what, I wish to share. 

And yes, there will be some stories that I will share just to gloat a bit because some stories I'm quite proud of. Not every blog should be one mood, some happiness is good! 

Thank you again for listening

[thedoveandthecrow]

Love is For one?

I guess in the idealistic world or how it SHOULD be for everyone...you fall in love with one person at a time.

But who is to say you being in love with two people ...three, is wrong and not correct? Someone starts feeding you that "that is not love that is desire/lust"

 Why is it clear to define that? Why can't someone say they love two people in that way? If we can love after love lost, How can we not love multiply?

It's something I don't understand...In my heart, I love two people and desire one, brutally honest.

[thedoveandthecrow]

Everyone has That What If? Person

As in, what if me and that person dated? 

It's that person that you never dated or did anything with but out of everyone you'd want to date them.

It's basically your dream person but someone you've actually met and got to know because their personality is just as beautiful.

For me that is my best friend.

For 5 years me and her have gone in the most ridiculous back and forth game of "Who likes Who"

My first year I admitted my feelings for her after a few months of knowing her. She denied stating she had a boyfriend, (which she did...on and off, this was an off moment) 

Then the next day she admitted the same to me but overall nothing happened cuz she wanted to be with her then on and off boyfriend. So I understood as best I could and eventually put my feelings aside and we became best friends.

2nd year she left my college and transferred to another college across the country for her relationship with the same guy while I got in my own relationship. I texted her everyday because if I left my college with all my friends...my biggest fear is to be forgotten and I wouldn't want anyone to feel like that...

3rd year my relationsip ended horribly and I was in pretty bad shape but to my surprise my best friend transferred back and came looking for me since she felt true care from me for all the texts.. Her relationship had ended for good with that guy as the experience was horrible. She helped me out of my rut but what I didn't know at the time is she was interested in being with me then but I was too blinded by the damage of my previous relationship to notice. After I became better I still never expected my best friend to ever want the relationship with me so I met someone else and began dating them.

She then began dating someone who she compared was very similar to me. It was actually a friend of mine at the time who was actually pretty close to me. When I noticed sparks were starting to fly (which was apparently before they both did) I couldn't stand it and excused myself from that situation, meaning I began pulling away. Yes it was complete jealousy on my part...like why date someone similar to me and not actually me.....Anyways we both were in relationships for the whole year

4th. My relationship had ended and in a very bad way this time. I blame both of us. My best friend's relationship was even worse and caused alot of damage for her. This 4th year after trying to get back my ex , I met a new girl and one different than everyone else. My best friend also met someone else and we have been dating those two people ever since. 

5th. This year we have told each other our sides of our stories and learned how many wasted opportunities we both had to be dating each other. Needless to say we both have those feelings for each other. 

They've always been in the back of my head but low self-esteem stopped me i suppose. and now she's on the verge of getting engaged. We talked two days ago about it and I'm happy for her but at the same time I told her I'm also sad. And it's funny, cuz i know she still has feelings for me too. 

Please don't take this the wrong way, my girlfriend now , I love her with ALL my heart and she has honestly helped me overall be a happy person. I cherish her with all my heart. I'd do anything for her and her happiness is what matters the most to me!

This is just the story of me and my best friend. Two people who just have the worst luck with each other. WE are both happy in our respective relationships and we have aided each other in both relationships alllll these years. As much as I love my best friend...I would never sabotage her relationship to have her to myself...I've told her this.

But she is my what if person...she has been for 5 years.

She will be known as "F". Cuz I highly doubt this is the last post of her. This is a general story of us. The stories in this one better show everything between myself and F

[thedoveandthecrow]

Unfortunate Truth

I am apparently a "natural manipulator". 

My friend defined it as someone who manipulates so well that I don't even know I'm doing it.

That was told to me 4 years ago...ONCE. As you can see it hasn't left my thoughts and it bothers me randomly. Anytime I'm in a relationship I always fear I somehow manipulated them into it or manipulate them to do stuff.

Also: A little bit of background on me. I'm the king of overthinking. As it's pretty obvious above.

Anyways, I fear I am manipulating the wrong people...It makes me feel awful all the time when I think about it.

[thedoveandthecrow]

Anastaisya from Junesflowers

I know this is very lame but thank you

You made that last post irrelevant. You are my first follower. I'm excited. 

The follow made my day so thank you

[thedoveandthecrow]

Truth be told I'm already insecure about this blog because I honestly don't see anyone ever wanting to follow this. 

Even though I shouldn't I do very much care what those around me think about me and it has shown on my previous two blogs...

I'm just hoping this blog does not go to the shadows of tumblr...

Even one or two followers would be fantastic.

I'd just like someone I don't know to listen.

[thedoveandthecrow]

I finally made this blog

I went back and forth in thinking making this blog.

I feared that somehow I will let my guard down and let the truth slip out when I'm not even ready to hear it from myself.

I've begun to bend the truth so much at times that I've lost track of the truth and what lies are lies and truths are truths.

This blog will be mainly to settle my mind in some way. To be able to express myself, however long it may take.

I also wish for this blog to be able to not only share my story but others to anonymously share theirs as they wish without judgement or if need be advice. 

I'm open to being a biased source of advice as I've always been. In any case please enjoy the stories I decide to share and if anything please learn from them. Thank you.