Genuine question here: what are the signs to pay attention to when considering one as a dominant? What are some red flags to avoid and green lights to show that they are truly interested in not just the sexual, but also the growth and development of their sub?
An important question that every potential submissive shouldask when looking for a dominant, especially in today’s climate of tumblr doms.When considering your dominant, you need to take chemistry into account, if thereis no chemistry then everything else will be forced and will end badly. Youshould genuinely enjoy being around your dominant, even if the relationship ispurely sexual. Things like distance, availability, and references help ifavailable. Many veterans of the scene will actually be able to provide thosereferences so don’t be afraid to ask, their response could be the first red flag.
Other red flags include them being unwilling to negotiateterms, and make no mistake, you should have the terms of your relationshipsolidly in place before anything else takes place. If they won’t work with you,then they won’t work for you. I would write off any dom who tries to demand youcall them by a term other than Mr., or perhaps a polite sir before you engagein a relationship.
You should be on the look out for them ignoring safe words,pushing hard limits, and insisting you continue in a scene when you areuncomfortable or uninterested. If a dom ever commands you to do something offlimits, or to continue after a safe word, leave, they are a tumblr dom and thatputs you at increasing risk.
Conflicting scenes can also be an issue, you both need to beon the same page of the same book when it comes to scenes. When what is in yourhead and is acceptable for a scene, i.e location, time, etc. is not the same astheirs, it can lead to a great deal of confusion, hurt, and resentment.
Don’t listen to or go with anyone who tries to take theemotional aspects out of the D/S, it is extremely important. Even if the relationshipis purely sexual the emotional dynamic is still integral. If they try todistance or outright ignore the emotional component, leave. I’ve heard tumblrdoms talk about how they hate doms who care to much, or only weak doms care fortheir subs, that is backwards and infuriating. The best doms care for theirsubs, while weak doms care only for themselves. Aftercare is not optional, itis essential.
Trust is the foundation of D/S, trust yourself, if you don’ttrust your dom, that is an issue and an immediate red flag. Your dom shouldmake you feel safe, if you ever have to tell yourself “well I should feel safe,”then things are wrong and you should leave. Trust and respect are earned, theyshould never be demanded, and if demanded then chances are they are not deserved.A good dom will earn your trust and your respect, they will make you feelloved, safe, and satisfied, if you don’t feel those things, move on.
Something that is middle of the road and could go either wayis multiple subs. This should be discussed at the beginning, cementing if youare mutually exclusive or not. This is important for many reasons. You’ll needto know so that you are not lead on, but also if he does have multiple subs itsimportant to know because his time will be spread out between all of you. Italso helps to keep you safe from std’s sti’s. It can potentially be a greenlight, because threesomes, but that’s another aspect you will need to discussand decide if it is right for you.
Green lights include, but are not limited to, being willingto negotiate with you, finding the middle ground with you on things, and beingwilling to slowly press your allowed boundaries. Listening to you, and providingyou the support you need to succeed, even if its only success in subspace. Agood dom will often notice when a scene is making you feel uncomfortable andask you about it. Please, please, always be honest. A good dom will understandwhen certain dynamics are out of place or shouldn’t be introduced to a scenario.As you become more comfortable with your dom don’t be afraid to ask for newthings, chances are your dom will help expand your horizons. Experienced doms will also know their ownlimitations and often have boundaries of their own.
The most important thing they can do after they have earnedyour trust and respect is aftercare, aftercare, aftercare. I can not stressaftercare enough, especially after an intense scene, or after your boundarieshave been pushed. Aftercare is not optional, it is essential.
Remember in all of this though you are submissive you havethe power. The D/S dynamic is a power play, it is not a power vacuum, a gooddom wants to make you as happy as you make them.
PSA: D/S can be dangerous if done improperly, please do yourresearch and ensure your dom has done the same. This is why I personally endorsedoms going through some variety of training or apprentice within the community,it helps keep you safe, and makes things better for both of you. Some helpful pointersand safety tips can be found here. Or in my safety tag.
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