Messy Serenity

Hi all. It's a life of an overthinker. It will probably be messy. My life can be messy. Don't hate on messy. Messy is cool.

[thefeckisthis]

being single and open relationship

hellooo lovely people. hope you are all well, sane and well fed. lately i did not write quite often, been reading a lot and gaming. life is not particularly interesting so there is not much going on.

even tho these are different times people still talk, chat and i’ve seen many guys making statuses how girls are not posting selfies now all the beauty salons are closed, making fun of them. well there are not many of you fuck boys around anymore either eh, hard to make some effort when you can’t ‘’score’’ and disappear? or you’re stuck with your girlfriends so its harder?

leave the girls alone, live your own life and mind your own business. even tho the number of fuck boys has drastically dropped, there are still people who make some effort and talk to other people. i’m not saying this only happened to me in the past few months, people keep asking me this all the time.

so why am i single?

im not super young anymore, im in that age where most of my generation is already married and are having their first or even second kid. not me tho, thank you but i’ll pass.

guys usually ask ‘’how can girl like you be single?’’... may i ask you, what kind of girl is that? i know they usually refer to the thing that im beautiful or good looking (in their words not mine) and i keep wondering what does someones looks have to do with someone being single or in relationship? does that mean everyone who is in relationships is beautiful or if youre beautiful you have to be in a relationship? someone please enlighten me. thank you.

on the other hand, some people think i still love some certain people and haven’t moved on emotionally and things like that and that is so not true. i dont have any ‘leftover’ feelings for anyone and i dont like anyone romantically at the moment (and on daily basis i dont like people in general, thats another story tho haha). someone being single for long time doesnt mean they cant get over someone from their past. i kind of pride myself on getting over people quicker than most people, that doesnt mean i cant develop feelings. i can, im just way more careful with that. also, that doesnt mean i never truly liked them (havent loved anyone in a very long time hahaha) its just i dont tend to dwell on it for long. that person is not in my life anymore, why would i spend more time thinking about them when it wont affect my present?

i close that chapter in my life and just move on. not meaning for it to sound as a sob story or trying to make people feel pity for me, every time i have had started to develop some feelings for someone it backfired. made me develop trust issues and i openly admit it. and every time it backfires at me it makes it slightly worse and worse and leaves scars and honestly makes me regret ever developing any feelings. it all developed in like a defense mechanism making me want to do it again less and less.

as ive said, this is not a sob story and im not looking for people to feel sad about me. that is definitely not the only reason why im single but it is a part of it.

i chose to be single. i love being single. i have grown to love myself so much that i dont require to be in a relationship to feel fulfilled or to feel ‘’whole’’. if you find someone you fall in love with that person should not be your second half because you are one whole on your own, that other person should be a beautiful addition to your life, not someone to fill in the gaps. and if you break up you should still be able to feel complete and happy. dont think i am in celibate or i dont meet people when im single. the amount of people thinking if youre single youre not having sex is ridiculous. like seriously people, it 2020, you dont have to get into relationship just to have sex. to think that in this era of fuckboys, internet dating and all that crap... cmon like

explanation is not my strong side so im sorry if i dont fully explain something. relationships and feelings for me are... good and bad. i like them and i dont like them. to me the concept of traditional relationship is like a cage. i dont have freedom (at least not the way i want) that i want, and all the ‘’obligations’’ (cant remember the term that would better explain it). sure, when you like/love someone you usually talk all the time, tell them what you do, where you go, but as an introvert sometimes i just want to shut the whole world out and be left alone for more than a day if that is how i feel. by nature im curious and love to explore, whether it is myself or the world around me and the traditional relationship ‘’wouldn’t allow’ that, its looked down on. why do you want to try something new if you already, lets put it this way, have someone by your side?

but like yes, surely that person can fulfill me both physically and emotionally, what if someone can add to it in a different way, why would i deny myself of that pleasure?

open relationship is something would be something that would be more of my liking. do i believe it is possible to love one person fully and still want to try something with other person? definitely yes.  it would start probably as exclusive until the mutual trust and understanding is achieved then we can add to it. and yes, its adding to what we already have, not replacing, not changing, not cheating - adding. that absolutely doesnt mean that the main partner is not enough, its just expanding the current experience. i was in a serious relationship where i loved the person so much and i did mention the possibility of open relationship and it wasnt accepted well and no judgement, it is not for everyone, we all dont seek for same things.

humans are creatures with needs and i believe that satisfaction can come from different people in different ways and that doesnt diminish the value of primary partner. rather than always feeling caged and limited,‘’scared’’  and suppressing your needs, you get the freedom to explore, to broaden your horizons. open relationship is not same as cheating  as long as both partners are aware of the nature of the relationship and mutually agree on that, at the end of the day you always end up with them.

dont get me wrong, im not out there actively looking for relationship, im just living in the moment. those kind of things happen on their own and should not be forced, and now days anything that is not according to some standard norms is looked down on. as well, i am perfectly happy on my own, i chose to be single and im loving it. im the main person for myself, i love myself and i am thriving. absolutely enjoying my life.

i dont feel sad or lonely or of any less value than your average person just because im single, not at all. this also made me selfish in a way, i want all the experiences for myself and my enjoyment and i dont want to limit them to make someone else happy or secure.

there are of course more reasons than these mentioned, if youre curious please do leave a question, dont be afraid! :D (my priorities in life are usually not focused on finding a partner)

 if youre not happy on your own and with yourself, how are you happy in relationship? so dont go asking people why are they single and think they are sad because of it and feel sorry for them, people do not have same needs and wants in life like you do. at the end of the day, the person who you should be most mindful of is you, your thoughts and your life. make sure you are happy with yourself because that is the person you have to live with 24/7. and once you are happy with the person you are, then you wont have the need to ‘worry’ about the others,

[thefeckisthis]

i’m baack!

nope, you might have hoped that I stopped writing and Im sorry to disappoint you because i didnt. #sorrynotsorry

just havent written for a while, things happened, world shut down and all. now im back with bit of bitching again. and again im not sure how long this will be, and what exactly will i write but i feel like giving out about some stuff and some people, so stick around! first of all, in a way i wonder how antisocial my life is because this staying at home isnt much different than my everyday introvert (people hating) life. im surprised tho, i still work full time, finished dan browns origin that took me over a year to finish (might tell you how interesting it is compared to all his previous ones that I read in under a week). started new book, finished it in a week and a half, started a new one. so book reading is going well, i walk my dog often sometimes for over an hour, almost finished better call saul (great show if you watched breaking bad, explains a lot!), went back to my laptop gaming (sorry ps4 and sorry money i spent on it), btw im playing witcher 2 and sims 4 mostly. spent hours sometimes watching YT. worked out every second day, did online dancing classes, my time was fullfilled. work has been hectic because of some people, then this virus making it bit more hectic, then people making my life hectic, my anxiety was spiking, ya know, usual march in your life. dont ask me how did i manage to do all that

im not actually anxious because about getting virus, im happy to stay home, but things chained up, one after another and i used books and games to keep me occupied :D

things come and go, you just need to know how to control not yourself, but how you react to those things.when times get tough, you need to get tougher!

now lets get to the bitching part.

ha notice the new ‘’keep reading’’ part? stupid of me to not put it sooner.

Im a weird one. i know. ive been told that many times. with that im difficult one as well. just mixture of everything. what im mostly interested in is people and peoples minds, and no, i would never be a sociologist or psychologist as im at the same time really annoyed with people and lack of communication. and you know that most of people are assholes. at the same time im an introvert, and i have social anxiety but i also like to experience new things and go places and do things that involve other people. i dont say im smart or better than anyone, i did experience in multiple situations that many people are not on the same level as me and makes me wonder how did you survive till this point in your life?

take this pandemic for instance. all the panic buyers and people reading and believing everything they see on tv (watch V for Vendetta and it will make you question things). the simple rule is dont go out. and what people do? they go out. like since when do you hike every day? bullshit sit at home and watch tv. if youre smart youll do something useful. kids coughing at people around as  part of the challenge, like wtf? how are we still allowed to reproduce as a race? is brain dying out with every single generation? Maybe the world did deserve this virus, survival of the fittest, if you get what i mean.

anyway lets go back to people again. (like i talked about something else). im such a why person and i tend to see through peoples bullshit. i always say that honest communication is best way to avoid bad situations. 

and being honest requires some balls, and this year some people have been proving they dont have any. usually i dont believe in second chances, if i do give someone a second chance then there is a good reason. but like when i give someone three opportunities to be honest and the other person keeps on bullshitting and they know i know its not true, thats where i draw a line. its mostly for me to see how far can one person go and treat me in that way. if i do persue that long be sure that i know what youre saying is not true, i just want to know how far can you go. one thing is if people change their minds, ok, i dont mind, let me know. treating me as im stupid thats downright disrespectful and low blow. i keep seeing that thats more reflection of who they are and not who you are and you all should keep that in mind. 

as said, im an introvert, i wont text someone first mostly and my close friends know that and dont mind, they dont think i hate them, we’re still friends. my method is mirroring, how you treat me thats how i treat you. if youve ever wondered why i treat you the way i do, step back and think about your own actions.

in these days of modern technology  our everyday communication is through mobile phones and the easiest way is to pretend you didnt see something or something like i didnt have my phone with me. 

like cmon, it 2020. we both know its bullshit. just stop being an asshole and be honest, grow some balls and tell that person what is actually up. whether its your friend, family, someone youve been talking to - little honesty goes long way and can solve many problems. no one deserves to be treated that way and it only reflects bad on you.

i know its hard, it is way easier to just ignore and pretend it doesnt exsist and hope it goes away, but its not the way. i had situations like that, and being a person who always wants to know why i always want to give people the reason why, either if they ask me or if the situation requires it. i had situations when someone was trying so hard around me and i wasnt feeling the same way but i told them honestly what is up, yeah, some of them stopped talking to me which i completely understand and with some i still talk to this day, some of the even thanked me for being honest.

COMMUNICATION is the key kids, dont be cowards.

[thefeckisthis]

hello darkness my old friend.

well im not quite sure why this title nor what exactly am i going to write about, i just had the need to write. ever had that feeling? no? oh. ok.

its been a while since last post, many things had happened, fun, annoying,stressful, interesting and so on and some may expect sassy posts like first two and thats not going to happen with in this one, sorry not sorry.  ive been feeling the need to write about anxiety, not entirely sure why, just a feeling in me telling me to do so so lets see where it goes.

apologies for spelling mistakes because in these  last couple of sentences ive had so many red lines that makes me think can i even spell -_- (hello brain, you there?)  confidence is a tricky things. you are not born with it, you have to build it up. god knows i had no confidence before and i still struggle with it sometimes, especially with my anxiety - sometimes it can affect it really bad. when anxiety, i want to talk about because i think these kind of things should be talked about.

my anxiety levels are still not alarming but they are at that level when it can definitely affect my daily life, especially on bad days. ive definitely learned how to cope with it, sometimes it cant be helped. i definitely suffer from GAD (general anxiety disorder https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/generalized-anxiety-disorder-gad) with medium to high social anxiety - https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/social-anxiety-disorder (which many people don’t believe heh) and ive discovered some unusual phobias that I have also count as anxiety issues (trypophobia,  Emetophobia, fear of knives are some of mine examples) so it can  vary from person to person.

(imagine having all those on almost daily basis, yaaay)

i know, lots of people will say ah everyone is tense and stressed, we all must have anxiety. no, just dont. its not the same. occasional stress is normal, anxiety is completely different. its not easy to be in constant worry phase, being triggered by small things (coffee can easily trigger mini panic attacks, been there done that), small inconveniences, theres so much to it.

another awful part of it is overthinking. that is what used to kill me and mess up relationships i had with people. one small  thing can set you back so much. as ive mentioned, some people learn how to deal with it and some people seek for help, and both of those things are amazing. letting it affect you is not amazing.

talk to someone, youre not alone.

i always tell people to not be afraid to talk to me about their problems, because i do know how it is, i do understand. i had some people who dont understand as much as they think they do and when id open up to them they would say just stop worrying, its ok.

uuuhm like no. thats the whole point. my brain cant stop worrying. thanks for letting me on deepest secrets of the world, appreciated. high chances are that we do actually know that but its sometimes impossible to stop worrying. if i could do that so easily i wouldnt be suffering from anxiety, right? 

do i have panic attack? yes i do. had more before, now it got down to 2-3 in 6 months, so thats around 6 a year. last year i had full blown panic attack, worst that i ever had, my whole body just shut down and i was crying for full on 45mins, not being able to breathe, talk or move. sounds fun, eh?  and lets go back to social anxiety, as ive said people say that i dont seem like an introvert or that i have any struggles with that.

i do tho. i just dont let it be stronger than me. my head and my body in social situations can be in full panic mode but ill be there sitting with smile on my face. there were social gatherings or parties where i would end up sitting on my own, trying to fight tears and the emotions in me would be bubbling and getting worse and my common sense would be trying to fight them, thats why i end up sitting in corner like a weirdo. meting new people? socializing? that doesnt sound fun for me at all, i usually just avoid situations like that. i will talk most of the time and joke and its just because my common sense is trying to fight anxiety while at the same time my anxiety is trying to take over.  i wish i can explain what is going on in my head. 

if you invite me to go somewhere with you, dont leave me. please. thank you.

it has also affected my job, if i get a task im not sure what to do, or im told to just amend something, i just wish to get up and leave until my head gets clear. ive noticed small things i tend to do when i feel that anxiety is getting higher than i want it to be, eg ill start picking at my nails, ill bite my lip till it hurts, just shut down and stare blankly, taking deep breaths, shaking my hands to stop them from shaking (weirdly i think itll shake off my stress), do weird stuff with my hands, or all combined. rare people noticed all the things and actually knew when i was starting to get my anxiety attacks and they were really helpful.

how to help someone if you see them starting to have anxiety attack?

people deal with anxiety different ways, dont just assume one thing will help everyone. - for example hug wont make me calm, im not a fan of human touch in general and hugging me when im having an attack will only make me more stressed and more triggered and itll make everything worse. - dont force the person to talk about it, rather just ask them if they want to talk about it, if they dont, please dont leave them, just sit there in silence that means a world. -if they do want to talk about it, never, and i repeat never say dont worry its nothing or just stop worrying and think happy thoughts. 

- talk with them about it, or let them talk. ask what is the issue, why does it make them feel that way, just try to find solution slowly. - if a person starts crying, let them cry. crying is amazing way to release the tension and it will help the person to feel more at ease - if you do notice early signs of anxiety attack, change the environment, divert the person, make them think of something different

- dont make the person walk or do something they dont want to, it will cause things to go worse, personally ill probably just sit and curl up and cry my eyes out but for the love of god dont touch me or make me walk, my body is just not able and its causing more stress

- after the attack calms down, let person go on with their life, dont talk about it straight after. let them fully calm down. some people (most cases me) will be ‘normal’ after the episode (after my big one i straight away started joking how disgustingly runny my nose was from crying)  and some people will take a bit longer

We are all different in handling the situations. Anxiety like every other disorder is not easy and it has to be taken seriously. If you have it, if you know someone who has it, please talk to those people. Be supportive. Dont make them feel like there is something wrong with them. Small conversation and an ear to listen can go a long way.

be a friend and be a human.

[thefeckisthis]

manifestation and religion

disclaimer: im going to write my opinions on religion and if you consider yourself a believer - dont get offended as we all have different experiences and beliefs. also, i will be mentioning some stuff that most people find weird and unusual so please keep your mind open and leave your judgment somewhere else.

i wrote quite a bit and then my clumsy ass accidentally closed all tabs and everything was gone so this time ill write my intro in short version. so we all heard the saying ‘’be careful what you wish for it may come true’’. well it does come true and it has proved to me so many times, and before i get to the basics of law of attraction and manifestation I am going to say a bit of background how i got to it all.

as most of my country i was raised christian and had to practice the religion until i was 14/15 and got my holy confirmation so after that i was finally happy that i did not have to go to church if i did not want to. my family is not super religious, we do follow the holiday traditions and such as its normal in our country, but personally i dont give them much meaning. two of my family members are religious and i am grateful because in a place as my hometown our parents gave us free will when i came to religion (after our confirmation only :P) .

 with all my experience and research i came to realise that christianity is most rotten, corrupted, vile and disgusting religion there is. there are exceptions that were better than rest, that is a small number unfortunately. i always considered myself agnostic, there is no defined god but there is something bigger than humankind and its still unknown. and you look at all the religions you will find that mostly all of them have same stories, people and facts, just bit amended  to their culture.  so to explain a bit, here is internet definition of agnosticism # Agnosticism is the view that the existence of God, of the divine or the supernatural is unknown or unknowable. Another definition provided is the view that "human reason is incapable of providing sufficient rational grounds to justify either the belief that God exists or the belief that God does not exist."  and no, atheist is not the same. heres couple of pictures giving some insights 

so now that we have that sorted out i would like to stress out that i never had anything against people who believe in god or dont believe in god, i have friends who are strong believers and friends who are atheist, its just called being adult and accepting people as they are. not enough people can do that. 

so i did lots of research on religions and i do like polytheism  ( Polytheism is the worship of or belief in multiple deities, which are usually assembled into a pantheon of gods and goddesses, along with their own religions and rituals) so i always had huge interest in roman and Greek deities, Egyptian as well and for a while was reading about Hinduism. of course i read a lot about all other older civilizations and most of them are based on polytheism. 

during my exploring i came across a doctrine about paganism (havent fully finished all the books and here is a link if anyone would be interested in buying https://despot-infinitus.com/proizvod/paganizam-u-teoriji-i-praksi-doktrina-paganizma/) and i really liked the whole idea of it and i am still actively considering of becoming a white witch/wicca and reading those books inspired adding bit more on my pentagram tattoo, which is actually representing five elements so with added moons it represents triple goddess symbol.

many people ask me is that devils sign and am i a satanist, and that is ridiculous assumption based on only one symbol. and as a matter of fact i have been  reading about satanism itself as well (of course i have) and its quite surprisingly peaceful religion and makes more sense than christianity does. to read more about their rules (which are way better than 10 commandments) click here - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LaVeyan_Satanism#Basic_tenets

those who know me a bit better know that i love paranormal stuff and that i have strong connection with it and that caused a lot of paranormal experiences in my life (i bring all the ghosts to your yard aaayyy) so i recently also discovered demonology ( Demonology is the study of demons or beliefs about demons. They may be human, or nonhuman, separable souls, or discarnate spirits which have never inhabited a body.) and that you can actually learn how to practice it and cant lie that also interests me as well as you contact demons and entities and you work together to learn about world and history and you give them chance to peacefully experience the world (they literally posses you and that way they get to taste food and emotions etc)

yes this is quite informative post as well. and yes, you will all probably deem me insane after reading all this. and what i noticed is that all of them mentioned above work on the principle of cooperation, you have to give to receive. and i dont mean like you have to make blood sacrifices to get your wishes, i mean you have to put in some effort in it and show good intentions and most important of all  - you have to show some respect.

so to finally get to the reason why you are all here. manifestation and law of attraction.

there were loads of instances in my life where i noticed small details that most of people wouldnt notice and after googling them one word kept coming up - universe. so automatically when you start look into that law of attraction and manifestation  come up as well, they all g hand in hand like little happy family.

So law of attraction is something you all definitely had experience with. Basically its what you put out to the world is what you get. Simple change of mindset can change everything in your life. Have you noticed when you are happy and spreading happiness everything around you seems nicer, people are nicer to you, nice things happen and then when you are in bad mood everything is going bad.

Sounds familiar? That is law of attraction for you people. you’re releasing/giving good vibes to the atmosphere and people around you so universe makes sure to give good things back. notice that give and take relationship here? Dont be fooled tho, its not always as simple as it sounds. it is especially hard when you get into that deep hole of feeling bad a and depressed. it is really hard to change your train of thoughts and get yourself to think positive. universe wont award you for one good thought, it has to be series of it and you really need to feel them. you truly need to be in a good moment to get something back from universe.

say thank you to people serving you, ask people how are they, show that you care, pick up a paper from street and throw it in a bin, smile to everyone, pet a random animal on a street, anything counts. and dont do it just because you expect something huge from universe as most of the time universe will give back with good things as well, someone will help you, smeone will compliment you, you’ll get free cup of coffee, just random things like that. you will be surprised that good things will come to you in a moment you need. it also makes you more grateful for everything in your life and makes your everyday nicer and more positive.

then we come to manifestation. 

thiiiiiis my people is bit more complicated than just law of attraction, but one without other does not go. there is no definition of the manifestation, but it is a fact that if you want something really bad universe will give it to you. i had universe manifest so many of my things that i wanted, just took a bit of time. maybe it has happened for you too. sit and think how many things did you wish for and you have them now? there are certainly more than few things that come to your mind. i can easily name at least 10 things that universe manifested for me without even realizing that was it.

there are many ways to manifest something and it is impossible for me to write everything about it in this post as it is bit more complicated than law of attraction, but i will try to outline some things and believe me when you google manifestation you will find loads of examples and you can read for days about it. 

every single wish you want to manifest you can, it just requires some work and that is the hardest part. there are many ways of manifesting something, scribbling, drawing, visualizing, meditating and many more - you need to find something that works the best for you. you need to have clear vision of what you want (general idea wont work), you have to want it really strongly and you need to start working towards it, even little steps - remember when i said you have to give to receive, same with universe. it wont just drop it in your lap because you decided it would be beneficial for you. 

and have in mind very important thing universe will always provide and it will give you what you deserve when you are ready for it.

so yes, it means it can take waaaay longer than you expect it, it may not be hours, days it may be years, it just means that you are not ready for it yet but that doesnt mean universe is not working on bringing it to you. all the work you put into it will definitely be worth it.

for example i fell in love in marketing in university and always wanted a job in that field. it did not get easy to me at all. i spent long five years applying for the jobs and either getting rejections or no answer. and believe me that could put me in such bad mood sometimes that i just wanted to give up on everything. add to that anxiety struggles and that makes it even harder. and as mentioned in the last year i worked on myself mentally, my anxiety has been on lower levels for a while and it does spike up now and then and it messes things up, but i’ve been happier mentally then i ever was in last 5 years and towards end of the last year more and more good things started to come my way and then i finally got that long awaited job.

i am still looking a proper way to thank universe for making it happen for me as that is also important thing for manifestation.

going to use myself as example - being a cheerleader, moving to another country, going to enrique iglesias concerts, visiting loch ness and Neuschwanstein Castle and many more were just big wishes at one point and so far they all came true and i couldnt be happier. it can be small things as well, once i tried to test it and i wanted to manifest a drink date. so i kept thinking how i will go for a drink with someone next week. and it happened, next week i went for a drink with a guy i just met, completely unexpectedly. i didnt specify anything else other than gooing for a drink at that was the only thing that happened.

once wished for more money (also nothing specific stupid me haha) and after two days i found €5 on the floor. not much but universe did provide what i wanted :D

as i’ve said, manifestation is more complicated than law attraction and requires strong mind and strong will, so not only that you get what you wish and work for - it makes you a better person as well! To end this i am going to leave couple of links you can visit and see more about them, or if you’re more adventurous just google manifestation and enjoy your journey :) https://medium.com/thrive-global/9-principles-of-conscious-manifestation-3d2df7a4a87

https://elysesantilli.com/what-is-manifestation/

https://blog.mindvalley.com/manifestation/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZNFXNnKOLdA5ZD7Sn2p5aQ/videos

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCvptCAXYmDZMOffniGRfomQ/videos

[thefeckisthis]

online dating

this one is rather long so grab a snack, tea or a whiskey and enjoy :D

DISCLAMER: this is all my opinion and experience, if you find that i bash something you enjoy doing - we are all different, i dont judge, its my opinion and everyone is entitled to their own. if you are a guy and you recognize yourself in here and dont like it - fuck it, thats how your actions leave a trace and affect other people. maybe something to think about?

everyone has tried dating apps and i believe who ever says they have never used one are lying. maybe not actively but definitely downloaded one to see what is it all about. you might used it often or not, there is no shame in that, most of people these days use them. if you are happily taken you are so lucky my friend.

my antisocial introverted weirdo ass definitely uses them as that is sometimes  the only way that i meet new people. for some reason people tend to think im always out and about, partying, going out, having sex on every step... haha boy are you wrong. im either at work, in the gym or at home watching tv or gaming (now i have ps and ps4 so lower chances of going out). my social life is absolutely thriving. just to explain how introverted i am - not so long ago i was going to a small group gathering, there were 10 people i didnt know and i was terrified. phone calls? why do you call me when theres text messages and emails, I simply dont understand.

yes, i have dating app, do i use it much? no. once in a while i open it to see what is there and end up closing it soon anyway. my snapchat name is on there so i do get added a lot and people (mostly guys) add me. i cant lie, met some fun and interesting people, the rest 99% of them are just a no. one reason why i dont use those applications.

many people called me a catfish, like its already hard to meet people for me now they think im fake person, how can one win :P

i have noticed that 99% of those 99% use the same technique. not sure if its guys here or the girls here, they definitely back up the fact they are all the same. they created the pattern.

youd think maybe younger guys are only like that. hohohoho no no no nooo. all of them. 

just a small note to guys - dont think youre super smooth or you have some game if you get the girl. girls know exactly what kind of shit are you pulling and just play along as male ego is so fragile. we’ll let you think you’re in charge while you’re the one being played. girls wont fall in love with you if youre nice to them (cant vouch for all, some may) but cmon, we’re all people, girls are also human beings with needs, only we show it more subtly. you cant even find friend with benefits because guys just think they are way smarter than they are, but theyre not. men are simple creatures and still think they are in charge.

worst thing about modern online dating is ghosting. yes, the dreadful ghosting. for those who dont know what it means - its when you talk to someone a lot, meet up and the next day they just disappear. simple as that. for some reason men think thats good, the best way or something, but no. that is douchebag move 101. same as when next day they are magically ‘’busy’’ to reply any of the messages. or even to open them. 

are you like 10? where are your balls? sorry, obviously you never grew them. its the most cowardish and lame move to do. not to mention so immature. human decency? never heard of that either? to quote one article from betches ‘’Ghosting is a pussy move and you should be able to communicate your feelings with someone you had no problem banging Like, its 2020. Grow up.’’ 

yes, i have met guys now and then, im not a prude and i did not wow to celibate. then again i am really careful about who i will meet with (sexual harassment - another topic for a blog?), my sex life is thriving same as my social life. not being a whore here, just enjoying my life so dont get all excited and judgy over there. guys that i usually meet up with are some that i clicked with, im more attracted to brain rather than body. and every single time, every freaking time, before i meet someone i ask them directly - what is your goal here, just be honest and tell me what you want. literally i tell them ‘’look if youre only wanting sex let me know, i dont mind it at all, just tell me the truth.’’ 

and yes, im that direct and i can be so direct that i tend to be called a bitch as im not afraid to call out on bullshit. respect is only thing im asking for. not to sound too stuck up , most of guys text me because of my looks and because they want my body and that really annoys me as there is a person here too, im not just a piece of meat. if you show me some respect and not your dick, you have more chance to sleep with me.  again 99% of them think that they are smarter and they say noooo im not one of those guys, we’re not the same, i would never do that bla bla all that standard bullshit and next day poof theyre gone.

look, i dont mind them changing their mind, i dont mind them looking for only sex, most of the time im looking for the same thing, i dont mind you not wanting to talk to me after, just  have some balls and decency and just send simple text saying that you changed your mind. one simple text can go a long way. you retain your decency and status as nice human being, but most guys are just cowards. i dont get sad, i dont get upset, i dont get offended, I just lose respect i had for you as a person, i dont appreciate you anymore and i think its sad for one person to act that way, and in my opinion that is way worse than being a douchebag and coward that you are. 

its not ‘game’ that you have, its just sad how you represent yourself as a person. dont you have any credibility or self respect? and believe me, once you lost someones respect there is no way of going back.

remember how i said youd only think its younger guys? last week i met with a guy older than me (if you know me youd know why is that unusual haha). smart guy, we had good talk, enjoyed our time, he gave me an impression that he might be bit different. traveled a lot, read a lot, you know, be smart and mature. no. obviously not. its kind of proof that even with some brains you dont have to have human decency.

last year i met a guy, he was really lovely, we met so many times (never slept together in those times) i really enjoyed spending time with him  but i never felt that chemistry that there could be something more. one day we had a plan to go for a dinner and all that and i my conscience was not leaving me at peace and i decided to be honest and let him know that. after he read that message he was gone. not even reply, not a single text. nothing. asked him is everything ok and guess what he replied  - im busy. we never communicated after that at all.

like what the actual fuck? would you rather me play with your feelings? pretend that i like you? act like a freaking gold digger and let you pay stuff for me? ok, maybe his feelings were hurt, but what happened with maturity? i dont get it.

and another thing that has to be mentioned with this topic- lots of guys believe that just because girl is responding to your messages she owes you something. you gave her attention so she has to give you everything you ask for. why do you feel so privileged? when did you fall on your head to make you think that kind of shit? what went wrong in your life to cause that kind of thinking? like what is wrong with you? i get asked A LOT for nudes of booty shots or god knows what and my answer is always no. theres porn if you want naked girls. theres google. they try to give you some bullshit how it makes it extra special when its only for them bla bla. 

girl. dont fall for that bullshit.

the amount of guys playing mind games to get you to do something you dont want is scary. to think that many girls would do it because theyre desperate for attention is even scarier. if someone doesnt want to give you their attention thats ok, theres another 7 bilion people on this planet, dont make them guilt you in something like that. sure, there are some cases where girls do do that and you do you girl but id rather keep my dignity and self respect. i dont want to stoop so low and use my body just to keep some random guys attention. most of them start calling you names just because you told them no. calling me a bitch and a whore and coward wont get you any closer to your goal.

i have soooo many funny and weird stories that if i wrote them everytime they happened id have a book.

one guy slid in my dms so we started talking, nice guy, nothing bad to say about him. we did touch the subject of online dating and all this and i mentioned how people only see me as a piece of meat rather than person so he stared over complimenting me thinking that wold make it better. nooope, theres too much of everything. i did tell him that it was too much, made me feel uncomfortable and not in a good way, you could see it was too pushy.

recently a guy on a snapchat texted me that we have to go on a date (have to, imagine that) and i said no because i dont know him. then he kind of started ‘’getting to know me’’ and asking me questions and i started replying. keep in mind that he was asking more explanation for my every answer. so we touched the subject of my job, i sad i work in tourism and he thought i was working in travelling agency and i said no, then he asked me what is my job then. then in the middle of explaining him what i do he texts me ‘’what kind of a stuck up are you not even ask me about my job’’ and i said he was asking fror explanation and i was giving him an answer, didnt even have opportunity to ask him. then i simply said ‘’wow ego hurt much?’’ then the hell broke loose hahaha he started to be so rude and mean, calling me a bitch, waste of space, so stuck up and narcissistic, that i just lie that i dont work in TA because its a shit job and im embarrassed of it and god knows what.

i replied lol and just blocked him. like...what?

even today guy adds me on snapchat and tells me he wants a date straight away and that he is in dublin atm. i told him im not living there so he says long distance is not a problem for one night flings and thats probably not what i want so good bye. and i replied ok bye.

this post is already so long so i think i will end it here. it was my little rant but do expect more dating stories as now i will be writing them down so we all can laugh about it! hope you enjoyed, like, share, tell to your friends and as always theres options at the top so you can ask questions and submit your opinions :) till next time - adios amigos!

[thefeckisthis]

me and why am I single

Yes, that is the title of this post as i get asked about it quite a lot, so i might as well give some thoughts about it. and things have been happening lately that kind of add up on the whole being single story.

before that i’d like to say couple of things about me, just to ‘ease’ in the story. even here i’m going to go by ina, short and simple. I’m croatian living in ireland for the last 5 years (time flew by so quickly :S) so if you wonder why am i writing in english and not croatian - its easier somehow, my life is now 95% in english, at work, home, around me; its just what is more normal to me. 

sometimes i think im bit of weird mix of personality; i do struggle with anxiety and with that comes overthinking, which at one point made my life really rough and tough for both me and people i have interacted. alongside of that, im pretty blunt and straightforward most of the time, I dont and i wont take lots of bullshit nor will i lie and pretend i like something that i dont. it took me a looooong time to get to this point (about that could be in another post) but it did save me lots of nerves and useless time spent, made me happier. and being such person tends to hurt some people and drive them away from me. i dont mean i will be mean and say ugly and hurtful stuff, just if you ask me for honest opinion - you WILL get it, whether you like it or not. and its funny how many people get offended when they ask you an advice or opinion and then get offended when I tell them something they dont want to hear.

dont ask if you cant handle opinions that you might not like. simple as that. not everything in this world is going to bend backwards just to make you feel better.

so if you crossed my path, if at one point you were in my life (or if you still are), talked to me or anything like that, you might be mentioned in one of the posts. if so - hi. how are you? hows life?. and if you do find yourself in the blog and I give an opinion about you (i will never give away peoples real identities) or set you as an example for something and you dont like it, dont get mad, its just the way how you impacted my life and it may give you some insight on how you leave trace in other peoples life. maybe it makes you change.

so why am I single?

i get asked that a lot. I LOVE being single. simple as that. my journey to become a person i am today was long and hard, but i got to a point where i am really happy with person i have become and I am proud of a person i have become. 

I am a whole, i dont look for my ‘other half’ and i think that everyone should love them first before they seek out to love someone else. you need to be enough for yourself, not to look for someone else to complete you. not to say people in relationships are sad, not full or anything like that, but lots of people tend to settle, they keep looking for that someone else that now the whole world thinks that finding a partner is ultimate life goal.

no.

finding yourself is ultimate goal. i came to the point that im not looking for someone else, im constantly trying to grow as a person and im not going to look for anyone, the right person will come along. having that one other person is just a great addition in my life, not a goal. i have lived before them and will live after them.

some people would ask me am i single because im still hung up on some people and cant get over them, or am i into girls as I never have a boyfriend and annoying thing is that they dont believe me when i say i dont want a relationship. i have been in couple of them and found out that i dont like, it is too much hassle and i feel restricted in them, caged. if im being honest, im more for open relationships, i dont see myself exclusively with one person only. people find it crazy or think im talking utter bullshit, its so hard for many of them to accept that not all people are the same.

there were some odd people who would say i cant find someone because i think im better than everyone else or that i have set my standards too high. and yes, my standards are high, i know who i am and what i want and what im looking for and wont settle for else. id rather be single then settle for less and be frustrated about the other person not being on my level. sorry, you can be brad freaking pitt, but if you dont have anything in your head and if you dont challenge me as a person you wont be of any interest to me.

2018. was a bich mentally. thats when my anxiety and overthinking was reaching it highest points and i was annoying and stressful for myself, let alone for someone else. there were loads of factors influencing that and there was one person who i think did not deserve all that from me (no saying it was 100% my fault but loads of it was due to me) and i do regret being the way i was to that person and it does make me feel like shit when i think of it. past is in the past, i cant do much about it other than apologize. after that my anxiety was going up and down and it wasnt until i had full blown 45 minutes panic attack/breakdown in someone else house that made me stop and forced me to get my shit together .since then i was determined to get it all under control.

and as ive said, now its almost a year that i havent been seeing anyone and i have been focusing on my own mental health. im proud to say that i made it better and havent had too many anxiety attacks in that year; they were triggered, they did come, my overthinking did spike quite a lot and i have learned to keep it under control and not let it affect my life.

lately ive been talking to people and this internet dating time is just making me completely give up on everything. as an introvert its easiest way for me to meet people and talk to people, just that all shenanigans connected to it... its another world and i can make another post about it. if i continued about that it would take another while haha

i’ve probably not touched half of the subjects that could be covered within this, but if you were nice enough to read through all this text there is couple of option at the top where you can drop a question or give a comment and we can discuss about it.

let me know what you think. tell me more what is on your mind or just share our opinion, everything is welcome and there is no judgement from me :)

[thefeckisthis]

Let’s get this thing started

Hi y’all. How’s it going, how’s it hanging and all that stuff.

I know it took me a bit from first time i asked if you would all read this (and i got a enormous positive feedback, love you lots people) bu would you believe how hard it was to find proper site where to write blogs for free? Like actually FREE free with option to customize your handle and chose whatever you would like it to be? Where have the days of free blog sites gone? The other day I literally spent an hour setting up my blog on a different site only to end up having to pay to do anything at all, and it said it was for free.

Aaah weeell, that put aside, I decided to get back to trusty tumblr and start writing.

So, couple of words about this blog.

I have decided to start writing and publishing because of many reasons. First would be a type of an outlet, when I feel bad, happy or sad - I noticed that writing really does help me and put my mind at peace. Sometimes stuff I write here won’t make any sense to any of you, but in my head it makes so much sense. And weirdly enough lots of people expressed interest in my writing and stories and to this day it still baffles me why hahaha so please let me know why

Second of all - I love writing and when I used to write a lot when I was younger. Fun fact about me is that I started writing my own book, it is not finished and my goal is to finish it at one point in my life. For both of ours amazement the blog with pieces of that book is still up, so if you are interested head on to stvarnostjeokrutna.blog,hr (oh yes the deep teenage years) and copy paste the text somewhere else so you can actually read.

Third - I got a new job and there is more and more writing included and I have realized that my writing skills got sooooooo rusty it’s embarrassing hahaha

Fourth (wow I’m on a roll) - i’m 28 years of age, i lived trough a lot, and i would love to share my experiences with life and how i got where i got and i want to share stories that tend to happen to me that genuinely can’t be made up and i believe people would love to read about that shit hahaha 

there might be some other reasons and they will be added on in future posts.

what will you be able to read about here?

there will be loads of stuff on here, from life tips and trick, daily struggles, motivational posts, venting posts, reviews, stories, ghosts, aliens, universe, manifestation - anything that crosses my mind and any requests that i may get from anyone.

so basically everything.

i thought i wouldn’t be able to write anything as i currently don’t have any inspiration but look at this post. wow. and its only beginning. imagine when I get some inspiration.

think i will end this post here. new one will definitely come in the next few days and you will get more information on who, what and where i am. till then - happy travels! (i know you’re not travelling d’oh)