So for those of you who may wish to know... @catburglxr @imxthexhandler @troia-donna-troy @midwesterntransplant @angelstarr @snowballingsenshi @oxntime @isavedyourlife
So I imagine most of you are unaware of this, as I only made this blog about ten days go, but I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety for years. It came to a head back in 2010, where I was suicidally depressed, essentially catatonic, what with the constant panic attacks and inability to do simple things like feed myself.
I tried a few medications, the first of which reacted poorly with my insomnia, and kept me awake for six days straight. I will say this for anyone curious, it was not fun. After three days you start hallucinating, and it was what I imagine a lovecraftian fever dream was like.
Shortly after that, I got some medication that worked for me, and while things weren’t perfect, I was able to at least graduate college. Things were still hard, yes, but it wasn’t until six months ago that my mental state began to deteriorate in a noticeable way.
The first two months I was employed, and my anxiety spiked rapidly and often. I began to become more cynical, and more detached, and simply assumed that I was just adapting to change in my life. Things ceased to interest me, and I tried to press forward as normal, all the while things continued to get worse.
Over the next four months, I have seen and felt myself become continually isolated mentally, feeling much like my life is like watching someone else’s life through glass. It has become harder and harder for me to relate to people in any meaningful way, all the while my paranoia and anxiety have spiked, making the sound of my phone going off inspire panic attacks. My mind, as it were, has slowly stopped feeling my own, and I have come to realization that I no longer felt human in any real, meaningful way.
Two weeks ago though, certain... thoughts returned. I am hesitant to say they were suicidal in nature, because I did not and do not possess any urge to kill myself as I did back in 2010. Instead, it was a slow sort of malaise, where I realized that while I didn’t want to be dead, I didn’t particularly want to be alive either. I just sort of existed, while I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, stopped being able to do even the simplest of tasks.
Perhaps the greatest example of this was today, where I barely slept last night due to my anxiety of trying to get to the doctor’s office, and then had a panic attack while driving there despite having done so perhaps a hundred times already.
At this point, they’ve decided to increase the dose of my medication, which is already very high, and put me on an as needed anti-anxiety medication. They’ve also recommended counselling, which I’m hoping will be useful.
But for those of you that are worried, that is where my head has been at, and where it is at, and I sincerely apologize if I’ve caused anyone any measure of discomfort or annoyance. I’ve simply been unable to fully grasp anything as my mind slowly slips away from me, and I’ve continually felt like an alien in my own skin.
