Things that probably should have tipped me off that I was ace
1. Whenever anyone expressed romantic interest in me, it was always a negative thing that I had to deal with, never exciting.Â
2. A girl I went to high school with was telling me about a guy who asked her to a dance. My immediate reaction was “ugh, that sucks. I’m sorry.” Didn’t even occur to me until five minutes into the conversation that she might be happy about it. Turns out she was, and they were together for like 5 years.
3. I went on a date with a guy I really liked, had an amazing time with him, and then we kissed, and it was the grossest thing ever and totally ruined the night for me. This was actually the first time I ever considered the possibility that I was ace, but I told my friend that and she said, “Oh, I’m sure that would make him feel great, that you kissed him and hated it so much that you must be asexual.” And I was like, “you’re right that would be rude.” So I literally stopped questioning my sexuality because it was too... mean I guess?
4. Watching Fleabag (spoiler alert kind of) I was so frustrated all of season 2 because I just didn’t understand why sex would be the thing to keep them apart. I honestly still don’t understand. If they’re in love, why can’t they just be in each other’s lives and not have sex, and Fleabag can sleep with other people?
5. I used to have so much dread about the prospect of having sex in the future. I saw sex as an obstacle to overcome in order to have a fulfilling life, not a part of a fulfilling life.
6. (kind of a part 2 for 5) I was talking to a friend and I said, “I’d love to be married but it’s so weird that you just live with someone you have sex with. Like what if they want to have sex with you? That’s crazy.”
7. I have absolutely no instincts when it comes to sex/romance. Like I still don’t understand how people initiate hookups. How do people just know what to do?
8. When I see someone I find attractive, I have never once thought, “I wish they would take their clothes off.”
9. Thinking about sex is just gross to me. Always has been.
10. I’ve never understood the appeal of making out with people. If you like someone and find them attractive, why would you want to make out with them? You’re not talking to them, and you’re not even looking at them. It just doesn’t make sense to me as a way to spend time with someone you care about.
11. I literally never have sex dreams (except very occasionally and they’re like... nightmares)
12. My fantasies about people I’m romantically interested in are always about having deep conversations with them.
13. I had a really hard time figuring out my sexuality. All around the queer community I was hearing “I just knew I was gay,” or “I always knew I was a lesbian,” and I had no idea how people knew that. Turns out it was because of sexual attraction. For a while I thought I was attracted to all genders, and I guess it’s true that I have the same level of sexual attraction towards all genders. It’s just that the level is 0. I haven’t heard other aces talk about this specific experience, but I feel like it must be common. It’s so hard to figure out if you’re ace when everyone treats sexual attraction as a given, and no one is giving clear definitions of what sexual attraction even is except for ace spaces.
That’s all I can think of right now but feel free to share your ace experiences or ace awakenings or anything! :)
