this is it, y’all. i’ll literally never be able to create something that can top how fucking awful this is, and the only reason why god himself has not struck me from the face of the earth is because then i wouldn’t have to live with what i’ve done. what i’ve done, being:
the hockey dick alignment chart
- lawful good: the accidental shot of brandon sutter’s actual dick taken while another player was being interviewed (x, x)
- neutral good: chris kreider golf pic (x)
- chaotic good: alex ovechkin (feat. dick piercing???) (x)
- lawful neutral: jump-roping sedin (x)
- true neutral: jack eichel @ beach (x)
- chaotic neutral: wcoh 2k16 claude giroux w/ beer (x)
- lawful evil: sidney crosby freeballin’ @ asg18 (x)
- neutral evil: evgeni malkin workout gif (x, x)
- chaotic evil: dylan strome cupid shuffle dressed as woody from toy story (x)
with an honorable mention going out to the gif where ovi casually flashes his dick to mike green (x)
*DISCLAIMER: the dicklignment – i know, i know – was decided purely by vibes given off by the situation of each picture/gif/video; not my feelings on the players themselves/the teams they play for, not on how impressive each dick is or isn’t – just good ol’ objective dick-vibe science. carried out by my hellbrain. i literally could not be more sorry.*
The way I am SCREAMING about how perfect this commissioned scene from @zayacv for my fic “Only You (Could Ruin Me Like This)”!!! ❤️
Thank you SO MUCH for taking this silly scene, in which Ilya goes back to find one certain inebriated Shane Hollander after a few drunk texts, and making it real!
Summary:
That girl at the club meant nothing. Shane drunk-texting Ilya at 2 AM means everything.
or
A bandaid for my brain following the Club Scene in episode four.
So I'm maybe just a liiiiiiittle obsessive, and I wanted to work out the timeline of the show, and figured I'd share it with you all. I can't quite figure out how to format this for tumblr, so I'm going to just c&p images of the tables and then dump all of it in unformatted text I guess under a read more? Please let me know if you can think of a better way for me to do this (without retyping it all!) and please let me know if you see any errors to be corrected.
ETA: I'm sorry, I added some info to ep 6 after rewatching and somehow deleted the table for ep 5? But it's back now!
Bonus: season calendar pics that are not accurate (since the
Boston/Montreal games don't line up)
Metros: 2015-2016:
Boston 2016-2017:
Hopefully some folks will find this interesting and/or a good fic resource!
The episode timelines in unformatted text:
Episode 1
Approx timestamp
Text on screen
Notes
Start
December 2008
World Juniors (IRL held end of December – early January)
One week later
End of World Juniors
3:15
6 months later
NHL draft (IRL in 2009 held on June 26-27, 2009 lines up with the 6 months later note)
9:24
6 months later
World Juniors again; New Year’s Eve 2009-2010
11:27
6 months later
(so, end of June/beginning of July 2010)
Commercial filming; first hookup
26:37
3 months later
Beginning of 2010-2011 season (rookie season)
(October 2010 ish) BOS @ MTL
31:46
4 months later
(February 2011 ish – IRL ASG was January, 30 2011)
Middle of February according to reporter
Second hookup
40:22
2 weeks later
(End of February, beginning of March 2011) BOS @ MTL, but game cancelled due to weather
43:16
4 months later
End of 2010-2011 season
(Beginning of July – IRL awards June 22 2011)
Episode 2
Approx timestamp
Text on screen
Notes
Start
Summer 2011
1:26
Fall 2011
Start of 2011-2012 season
BOS @ MTL (no hookup onscreen)
1:55
Winter 2012
MTL @ BOS (no hookup onscreen)
2:28
Spring 2012
Boston playing San Francisco in playoffs, Montreal already out
End of 2011-2012 season
3:07
Fall 2012
Start of 2012-2013 season
MTL @ BOS (dick pic sent)
3:35
Winter 2013
Text re: 9 inches
3:55
Spring 2013
Montreal playing Boston in playoffs? No cup outcome in show
End of 2012-2013 season
5:11
Fall 2013
Start of 2013-2014 season
BOS @ MTL for first game of season (sex at Shane’s), presumably in October
14:46
Winter 2014
Sochi Olympics (12-23 February 2014)
26:19
Spring 2014
Ilya wins the cup
End of 2013-2014 season
Summer
Awards in Las Vegas (IRL June 24 2014), Ilya wins MVP, sex in Vegas hotel
Episode 3
Approx timestamp
Text on screen
Notes
Start
February 2014
Sochi Olympics (12-23 February 2014)
Four months ago
(Mid/late-October, 6 games into the regular season)
Scenes over two more games
Kip says the fundraiser with Elena is in ‘like two months’
13:22
2 days later
NY @ BOS
13:44
1 day later
NY @ MTL
33:01
Kip tells Elena it’s been ‘a little over two months’
(So around end December/early January)
Post-episode:
January 2015 – May 2017
????
Episode 4
Timestamp
Text on screen
Notes
Start
(game at some point, maybe from previous season?)
1:37
Summer 2014
Some texting, Ilya partying
2:45
---
Start of 2014-2015 season
As per calendar in locker room (but incorrect probably), October 11
Game & sex
3:07
Cup win for Montreal (May-June 2015)
End of 2014-2015 season
3:21
Summer 2015
Texting, working out, Ilya partying
4:16
Start of 2015-2016 season
As per calendar in locker room (but incorrect probably), October 11
Game & sex
4:36
Cup win for Montreal (May-June 2016)
End of 2015-2016 season
5:00
Summer 2016
Texting each other during normal activities, Ilya texting rather than partying
October 2016
Start of 2016-2017 season
Biodome trip with Hayden
Possibly Oct 17 as per locker room calendar; MTL @ BOS and tuna melt
Meal with parents
Meets Rose in Montreal – snowing outside (so anywhere Nov – April theoretically)
Two weeks later
BOS @ MTL – club scene with tATu
(probably some time in Late Nov/early Dec?)
Episode 5
Approx timestamp
Text on screen
Notes
Start
Wakes up with Rose – presumably NOT the night after the club with tATu
3:00
Dinner with Rose ‘later that week’
Ilya and Svetlana discussing upcoming ASG
11:27
2017 All Star Game
IRL ASG in 2017 – January 29
24:52
Two weeks later
MTL @ BOS
Shane visits Ilya for an hour
The next day
Shane finds out Ilya has left the team
Ilya says he’s going to stay in Russia for a week (so maybe approaching end of February)
42:19
1 week later
BOS @ MTL (I think?) - Metros ‘clinging to a wild card spot’ (Regular season IRL ended April 9 2017, so maybe missing a few weeks here?)
Shane gets hit, out for playoffs (Broken clavicle usually 6-12 weeks recovery; this could be beginning of March
46:44
May 2017
Shane still in sling; Boston eliminated from playoffs
49:45
One week later
NY wins the cup (must be a series sweep if it’s only one week for the whole round?), Scott kisses Kip on the ice
End of 2016-2017 season
Approx timestamp
Text on screen
Notes
Start
NHL awards (IRL June 21 2017) – confirmed to be in June by Ilya talking to David and Yuna
this messed up vintage cat sewing pattern has tormented me since i saw it & like some other folks have done in that post - i tried my hand at tweaking the pattern to resemble the illustration (and my personal tastes) a little more. i've ended up with this, which i have only tested at a small scale and not this final version exactly (where i have done such things as further widening the cheeks and finalizing the leg shapes.) i bestow it upon you nice folks now 👐
go forth and make weird little beanbag kittens! pls show me if you do!
My first attempt! I made the pattern a bit smaller as I wanted it to be able to fit in a pocket, but then (accidentally but perhaps unavoidably) sewed it with a wider seam allowance than the resized pattern indicated, so the face is proportionally a bit too big and I lost some detail in the ear shape. I'm pleased with it though! It was fun to make something and to do some handsewing.
okay these are my definitive "check please reacts to heated rivalry" headcanons:
The ones most into it are 100% Holster and Shitty. They are leading the watch parties. They are the rowdiest. Every time someone grabs Shane's tit a frog has to do a kegstand Shitty plays All The Things She Said nonstop for a week. Lardo is keeping track of the drinking game rules.
Ransom is proudly declaring that his Canadian taxes went towards funding it. Jack points out that he does not pay Canadian taxes. Ransom ignores this.
("Everyone thank Bad Bob Zimmermann for funding gay softcore hockey porn" "do you think Bad Bob Zimmermann pays taxes?" "Please do not accuse my family of tax evasion")
Bitty cannot believe it exists. Every episode he's like "these emotionally closed off boys will be the death of me." Partial to Shane because he is basically Jack. Lives for judging the character's bad decisions.
Every post about Jack being disappointed by lack of hockey/critiquing the hockey is Objectively Correct (he appreciates the fantasy of Montreal winning back to back Stanley cups tho) Feels a little too seen by Shane.
Dex is Uncomfortable because that's their business and he doesn't have to see it (Nursey chirps him that he's homophobic. He's not he's just not used to seeing clapped cheeks in high definition)
Nursey's only comments are about the cinematography. Does not bat an eye at anything else.
Kent secretly watches every episode and pretends he's never even heard of it
Scott and Kip are ridiculously Zimbits coded, it's insane. I feel like I'm literally watching a live-action coffee-shop AU of Jack and Bitty, in fact I'm sure I've read this exact premise in a dozen fics. Pretending this is the OMGCP series until a high up TV exec finally takes notice of the genius that is @ngoziu and gives her a damn show.
