A Polar Bear's Journey

My story, isn't a particularly unique one. I'm just an every day 30 something girl, who just happens to be a card carrying member of the bipolar gang.... Oh yeh and as it turns out, i'm not all that fertile. We were TTC for over 2 years and after our first round of IVF we were lucky enough to get a BFP and have a beautiful crazy boy. And now we're about to embark on this crazy ass rollercoaster all over again, so here we go again, it's time to get serious. We can do this.

[theicemelts]

Argggghhhhhh

Men are so annoying, they make such a huffy puffy deal out of the things we do every day and just have to get on with. He's putting the monster down for bed more and oh my god does he make a big deal out of it or out of doing any jobs. For f's sake yes you have to bring the monitor down once you've put him to bed. It's not hard, close monsters door, walk 2 feet into our bedroom pick up monitor, come downstairs. But every time he forgets every time he strops like it's somehow my fault. Like I should magic it out of my ass. Bejeeeeeezzz it drives me mad.

[theicemelts]

Scared

Tomorrow is our 6/7 week scan and I’m so nervous and worried. I’m trying to remain calm. It’s not going well. I’ve not felt that sick the last couple of days and that’s worrying me which is crazy. It’s early days.

Please let everything be ok and there be a teeny smudge in there with a beating heart. Please.

So you stay in there my little one, stay safe. Cause this team is pretty awesome and we do so desperately want you to be part of it.

[theicemelts]

Insomnia

I'd forgotten that pregnancy entirely screws with my sleep. To be honest I feel like I've forgotten most things. It all feels so surreal and new, have to remind myself I have done this before. I am still trying to get my head round it, peeing on sticks every day just to check it still says I'm pregnant and looking at the sharps bin and big box of meds that is sat on my bookshelf currently not being used. I am scared, but there's a teeny wonderful bubble of hope. I can't believe we can have been this lucky. I have no idea how (ha well I do) but maybe more why it's happened, the timing is just genius. Not doing IVF in October feels like an incredibly smart decision right now. It's early early early days and I am remaining cautious, but I am going to stay positive, keep talking to pip (current name until we have our 7 week scan and I am sure I'll come up with something different at that point) and keep hoping.

[theicemelts]

So this happened. Totally blown my mind.

[theicemelts]

My period

Has run scared. Not sure where the frick it's gone but it's gone into hiding. All the symptoms are there, bloated, back ache, cramp. But will it actually start, nope. WTF.

[theicemelts]

So tomorrow it shall all begin.

I've spent the last couple of days slightly on edge waiting for the arrival of my period but it seems that it's decided to hold out till tomorrow. I'm ready now to get this show back on the road. It's time.

[theicemelts]

This shit just got real (again)

[theicemelts]

Note to self

Don't watch programs about ivf before bed. It's a stupid idea, stupid stupid idea. Just makes your brain spin into far too many spirals of fear and worry. On a positive note if I ever doubted how much I wanted it this time. It's hammered home how much I do.

[theicemelts]

You've got the love

It was my song through the last round and just hearing it brings a very happy tear to my eye. Today when getting my final bloods done before we start next month what should come blasting out on the radio. I cried, I laughed, I’m taking it as a good omen.

bring it on.

[theicemelts]

Other half has man flu

Does nothing I have flu Do everything

[theicemelts]

Heart strings

After three days away from my baby boy I can feel the pull in my heart as the invisible, but oh so real strings, that bind us together are being tugged on so hard to pull me closer towards him. As my train makes its way ever closer to home the feeling gets ever stronger and I won't be comfortable until he's back in my arms. It's a strangely beautiful feeling.

[theicemelts]

So....

....when I decided to start writing again I didn't take into account that between having a toddler, work, just life in general that I'd struggle to find 5 minutes to actually get what's in my head out and onto paper. Today we went back to Seacroft for our nurses consultation, to sign our paper work, go through our treatment plan and to pay the big ass bill for this round of IVF. It felt so strange being back there, different, completely different to last time, less raw and emotional. Less painful and more positive. Which I guess was to be expected as last time it was everything it was my world it was the huge desperate desire to be a mum which I am now. I want it and I do so desperately want a little brother or sister for Oli, to have another child but that heartache and pain from the first time isn't there. Which is ok and I have to remember that this doesn't mean that I don't care or that I don't want it. We are booked in for next month, so this month is to be spent getting myself in tip top condition. No more booze, no more caffeine and a lot more goodness. Does all feel so strange.

[theicemelts]

Well

It's been a while, over a year in fact since I've written anything, mostly that's been because the monster hasn't really ever let me have 5 mins to write and also because my monsters have been quiet and I have been enjoying just being 'normal' for a while. I'm not going to go on about my year, it's been amazing, exhausting, hard work, filled full of joy but also a lot of tears. Oli 'the monster' is a charming, determined, stroppy, demanding, loveable little monkey who has not stopped since he was born. The post natal depression I feared so much never reared its ugly head and I have and do feel entirely complete. Which in some ways is why it feels very strange to find myself in the position where we are going to embark on the crazy ass journey of trying to have another baby. It seems that the decision to do this has sent my poor wee brain into overdrive and the nightmares and restlessness is back. So it's time to start writing and to get it out of my head and down on some paper. I need to find my way again it feels so alien writing. Little steps required.

[deactivated-blog]

Little girl is head down… I’m 38 weeks… it’s a waiting game. I’m torn between being so eager and ready to really wanting the next two weeks to relax before she’s on the outside. (Of course, my midwife reminded me that us first timers often go to 41 weeks rather than just 40… FX we just go to 39 or 40!)

Colostrum expression is going well… it makes me feel safe knowing even if she doesn’t attach we’ll have *something* for her tummy in the first days. 

[coolmrsp]

My theory on all ivf babies is they are early! I was 39+1 so was my bezzys, and if I’m not mistaken theicemelts was early! So mamma, be prepared but enjoy those last weeks with a bump! I totally missed it at first. With my bump now at 37+2 I’m feeling like I’ll never make 40!!! Not long now x

[theicemelts]

Certainly was early, I was 38+4 by IVF dates or 39+3 by growth scan. Just take each day as it comes, some days you'll just want her out some days you'll just want to chill out. As coolmrsp says just enjoy the time you have, cause it's awesome and amazing once that bump is a baby but it's also blooming hard work. Xx

[twinklemajor]

Caved in

Been and bought formula and feel a lot more relaxed already! Feel like I’ve missed out on the last 2 ½ weeks just concentrating on feeding that we haven’t enjoyed this time! Gonna try and combine for a few days but think. I’ll just go to formula, just felt so restricted with BF as he seemed to feed every hour so couldn’t do anything or go anywhere and found it so emotional, as if the journey wasn’t emotional enough! Let’s see how this goes!

[twinklemajor]

So far so good!!! Even managed a top and tail, pj’s on, feed, little story as he nodded off and been out for an hour! Even sat downstairs with monitor on with the hubby and dog! I feel so much better already!

[theicemelts]

That's awesome lovely, glad you are having a better evening and glad you've made a really positive decision for both of you. Xxx

[twinklemajor]

Overwhelmed

Oh my days, think I focussed a lot on getting pregnant and being pregnant that I feel so overwhelmed and underprepared for him being here! Just when we think we’ve cracked it he throws a spanner in the works!

[theicemelts]

It's funny - it's like I think it and you've written it!!

It's crazy isn't it, feels a bit at the moment like I can't see a way where we'll ever know what we're doing it have a routine or feel prepared and organised. It's so daunting and amazing but so overwhelming. Need to enjoy this time but sometimes my head is almost wishing it away and thinking about a few weeks time. Need to do some mindfulness and live for now.

Xxxx

[twinklemajor]

Weigh in

After the tears and sleepless nights the little soldier has put on 10oz the little fatty and is ½ oz over his birth weight! High five to us lol!!! ✋🏼

[theicemelts]

Yey that's awesome!!! Massive high five! Xx