maybe I feel too much

and maybe, this blog turns into a fan acc every monday

[thenamelessmisstery]

Everybody says that "no matter how hard you try, you'll always be the villain in someone else's story"

But what about "being the villain in your own story without even trying. Without realizing it"?

Thats the one I can't stop thinking about. The one that terrifies me.

[thenamelessmisstery]

You say you like the mystery that I am

But would you look at me the same way once you solve me?

Would you really like the truth once you find it?

[thenamelessmisstery]

People always tell me that I'm a good person.

That I'm kind and selfless.

That I'm always there when they need me.

But that's only because I focus all the attention on them.

I do things for them,

I Help,

I Listen,

I Love them.

Because if I ever focus the attention on me they'll figure out that I'm not like that at all.

I'm full of nasty flaws. The ones that hurt people.

And even if I'm good at covering them up, sometimes they find a way to show themselves in unexpected moments.

And I could be the cruelest being,

Do some horrible calls,

Say the worst things,

Be the monster that I am even if I don't mean it.

I try so hard to be and to convince other people that I'm a good person, not because I care of what anyone think but just to know I can be someting else than this empty creature.

I wonder what will happen when I get tired.

The moment I'll drop my facade.

Will they be surprised?

Offended?

Angry? 'cause people get angry so quickly.

Would the try to understand me? Would they care? Or they'll just move on the the next person that boost their beloved ego?

For now I'll fake it.

Maybe it won't fix me, but at least it's a fun social experiment.

[thenamelessmisstery]

Most of the time I'm the 'fuck romantic love', 'strong and independent' kind of person.

but right now I'm in the mood for some 'overly dramatic declaration of love', 'kiss me senseless while the rain is pouring above our heads' stuff, you know?

[thenamelessmisstery]

If you ever feel like you fucked up, remember that JJ Abr*ms brought Palpatine back, messed Rey's character and fuckin' killed Ben solo.

[thenamelessmisstery]

Sometimes I desperately want to have the ability to reach for somebody's hand and drag them to my mind so they can see the comforting world I made for myself in my head.

there, Now you know. Take it in.

See everything through my inner eye.

We are safe here.

[thenamelessmisstery]

Sometimes I forget that Andrew is a millennial. Then handsome squidward content happen and I remember.

[thenamelessmisstery]

And there is a moment in life.

You have the opportunity destroy the person who destroyed you.

The one who gave you a hundred issues and a lot of heartbreakes.

The chance to make the same awful things and give them a taste of their own medicine.

But you dont.

You just decide to be polite instead.

because you can't do it any other way.

You're better than that.

And there's nothing to worry about.

It turns out you are great at killing them with kindness.

[thenamelessmisstery]

My father is an early riser. I'm not.

but today he found me in the garden, all dressed up, cup of coffee in hand.

And he said to me: "you woke up early"

and I said: "I did"

the thing is I didn't sleep at all.

I spend all night reading.

I can't remember exactly what.

in all honesty, is all a blurred

I was trying to escape.

"From what?" you may ask. "When you have warm feet, a full tummy, and people who love you all around you?"

I was trying to get away from my mind, that awful place that has no mercy.

At this point is foolish to think I could ever run from it.

So I drank my coffee. Not by myself anymore.

[thenamelessmisstery]

Nothing compares to the morning chill, the smell of damp soil, a warm cup of coffe and the singing birds.

[thenamelessmisstery]

Am i being too touch-starved or Adam Driver's hands are pornographic?

[thenamelessmisstery]

I want to be real.

I'm tired of pretending.

I'm tired of wearing a mask for the world,

I'm tired of faking satisfaction,

I'm tired of putting on a smile to please people.

I want to be real.

I want to go feral,

I want to lie in the grass while the rain is pouring,

I want to unleash my fury,

I want to kiss and be kissed with desire and longing,

I want to love and to mourn freely,

I want to feel alive.

Even if it's just for a heartbeat.

[thenamelessmisstery]

2020

These are chaotic times, to say the least.

People who were supposed to care, do not give a fuck. And they are not afraid of showing it.

People you thought was good, turned out to be wicked.

And everything is falling apart.

Like an avalanche: simple, effective and fucking chaotic.

Maybe is for the best.

Maybe then, we'll be ok.

Maybe then, we'll grow stronger, wiser.

Maybe then, we'll even be happier.

For now, I just lie in my bed. Trying to sleep but failing.

All I see are faces.

Some of them are well-known.

Some of them are strange to me.

One of them is my own.

And some way I am both. Familar and unknown.

I'm terrified yet I feel numb.

A lot of thing have happened and no one has a clue of what is to come.

But I'm holding on. I don't know what to.

Hope , I guess. What the fuck am I hoping for?

For everything to get better?

For everything not to get worse?

Maybe I'm just hoping this journal not to become the next Anne Frank's Diary. That will be awkward. There is so much shit in this pages.

If that's the case...

Hello there!

If you are reading this, I have two things to say to you:

1. congratulations! You survived an apocalypse

2. What the fuck are you doing reading this journal, you creep?!

[thenamelessmisstery]

Have you ever woken up from a horny dream all bother and aching and rubbing your thighs together but also smiling because of how good the dream was and how satisfied you felt? then you started to touch yourself just to find out how wet you were? And finally you come in matter of seconds, with slow strokes, thinking about said dream?

[thenamelessmisstery]

"You don't want a bf/gf?" "But why?" "Don't you feel lonely?"

Listen up you little shit. I'm ok. I'm fine by myself, I'm happy this way. I'm saving my ass from an unnecessary heartbreak and suffering. I had enough fav-character-deads. no, asshole. I don't feel lonely, how could I ?! With me overthinking all the time? the voice stuck in my head telling me what to do in any giving moment? And The demon under my bed?! Fuck off, is not my problem you can't cope with yourself and just prefer to ignore your issues by being in a toxic relationship.

[thenamelessmisstery]

I still think about you.

I wish I could stop.

It sucks.

You suck.

Fuck you.

[thenamelessmisstery]

My first reaction to kylo taking his mask off was to laugh.

I laughed.

Because he was so stupidly hot and cute af at the same time.

I couldn't handle it.

So I laughed.

And then sold my thirsty ass to the dark side.