The Parchment Menagerie

A random collection of bits and bobs that are my feelings during the hardest, most painful part of my life.

[theparchmentmanagerie]

I counted my scars. 72. I want to tell you. I want you to know you're the villian. I want you to hate yourself so fucking intensely. I want to hate you. I wish I could. It would be sooo much easier. I never gave up. I never went back on my word. You did. You broke your promises you abandoned me you fucker. And yes abandon is the correct word for what you've done. Face the guilt you childish coward. All you do is run away. Twist my actions in your mind to ease your conscience. "Emotionally Manipulative" bullshit. If I wanted to manipulate your emotions I would send you this directly. Tell you how I tried to slit my wrists. SEVENTY FUCKING TWO. but i havent and I wont, but maybe I should you fucking liar.

[johnnysilverhandssuitcasenuke]

[theparchmentmanagerie]

Today you ripped open my scabs. Again blindsided. I don't think I can close them again. I found someone who treats me with gentle kindness. Even their love can not save me. You've ruined me so thoroughly with your betrayal. I can't believe anything they say or do. Their words are the same as yours once were. Their actions your actions. I'm carved out. I have nothing left.

[ufoscomeandgetmeplease]

"I cannot remember the last moment I enjoyed without the looming thought of when it might end."

[theparchmentmanagerie]

It had to have been before you descimated me.

[theparchmentmanagerie]

The Silence today hurts more than I thought it would. I'm alone, again. Where are you? How could you just throw me away like I was nothing? I'm probably gunna relapse tonight and I don't even care. I don't know who you are anymore. I pray all the time you wake up and go back to the kind, warm, tender man I love. Please, I dont know how much longer I can bare this pain youve caused.

[theparchmentmanagerie]

I really would like to be done now, please. Theres not enough left in me to face the days. Nothing I do eases the cold inside me. I'm only here so I don't cause my family pain. The meds don't work, the therapy doesn't work, nor does the exercise or the nature or the breathing or the gratitude journal or mindfulness or the mantras or the auto pilot or the cozy things or the weight pillows or the selfh@rm or the not self h@rm. Not the chnaging perspective, not the hoping, not any of it. Food is only to sustain me theres no joy in it anymore. The people around me cant touch that part inside that you had. I go through the motions, but the broken sadness is there constantly and im exhausted. Im so desperatey lonely now. I try so hard but its no good. No one is you. Im trapped here wishing for death. And i just cant anymore

[nestedneons]

By visual salman

[theparchmentmanagerie]

I've missed this. I went weeks without cvtting. I know others would be disappointed in me, but I don't care. This pain is easier. This pain I can control. This pain lets those i choose into a window of the anguish you cause me. I hope someday I can trust you enough again to let you see them. I hope you sob seeing the evidence of your betrayal.

[theparchmentmanagerie]

This tumblr is the only place I can be 100% honest. I legit don't want to do this anymore. All the small happy things , like sunshine, and coffee etc don't add up enough. There's a myriad number of things to appreciate in the world, but add them all up they still don't outweigh this pain. I lie to my therapist and anyone in any authority that I don't have a plan. Don't wanna get sent to grippy sock jail. But I do. And its a good one. With humor and cricket song and moonlight. I'm very good at research and science. It wont miss. Maybe thats why I haven't done it yet. Theres still a seed of maybe inside me. That little glimmer of " ya never know". I have to be alive for that. But I'm in so much pain, and I'm exhausted. I do all the reccomendations: make new friends, focus on myself, follow my hobbies, keep busy, commune with nature, exercise, get on the right meds, change your diet, give yourself permission to feel your feelings, cry, scream, punch a pillow, join a club.......on and on. Its all empty. Im just going through the motions. Hoping something will help . But nothing does. Its too big and the fires gone out of me. I have nothing left to fight for. How long do I wait for you to wake up? How long do I stay in this torturous plane of existence before throwing in the towel. I tried to twist it and stay for you. In case you needed me. In case someday you needed your best friend. But you wounded me so bad, I cant suffer an unknown amount of torture for you. Not anymore. I tried to think how it would hurt you and you would blame yourself. But i dont even know if thats true anymore. You threw me away like trash. Why would i assume you value me now? But if you do and you blame yourself i fear it would ruin you. I cant hurt you like that. So i stay trapped in a constant cycle of pain and anguish. Nothing helps me except drugs im not suppose to take. And even that never lasts long enough. Can I please be done now? I've been doing this for so long.

[dumblr]

“And the writing is still : to you, with you, about you, because of you and for you.”

— Nizar Qabbani

[theparchmentmanagerie]

I miss you too much to sleep. Or eat. People comment on my weight loss telling me I look great! It's the soul crushing anguish diet. 0/10 would not reccomend.

I can't enjoy anything, not really, not fully. It all feels watered down. Or it wont hold my attention for very long at all before my thoughts return to you. How much you would like or hate whatever the distraction is. How desperately I long for you. To hear your laugh, to feel your arms around me. I know if i sleep i will dream of you, but its almost always you rejecting me. Or its us reunited and then i have to wake up and remember. I fear sleep, i fear waking. Every day is a series of attempts at distracting myself from the hurt and betrayal and memories. It never works. You were my reaaon for being here. Our love was the great kind that was rare and beautiful, you dont get it twice. Any future love i find will pale in comparison. It will be me settling because i dont want to be alone anymore. I will probably just stay alone. It wouldnt be fair to other the person when i cant give them my heart, it belongs to you. Always. Please wake up soon so i can sleep again. Im so tired. I dont have anything left in me my love.

[rainywhispersblog-deactivated20]

[theparchmentmanagerie]

I don't know why I keep trying. I guess since I can't kill myself and I'm trapped in this hellscape might as well make the most if it right? Plant some flowers, redecorate. But everytime I try it just gets ripped back down. I swear God hates me. I work so hard to be good and kind and learn and grow and anytime I get a little slice of "ok-ness" ( not happiness I've had mine and I don't get anymore) it gets demolished. Why even bother? I've lost count of how many times I've replanted those flowers or repainted etc. It's always the same story. Everyone gives me platitudes about it getting better, but how is it suppose to get any better when everything i build gets torn down time and time again?! I keep telling them I have nothing left. I don't want to fix things anymore just for them to be broken again. Whats the point? I'm told to be grateful for what I do have. What ? A broken mind and body? Debt? Yes some of my family loves and supports me emotionally i know not everyone has that. Or a roof over my head etc. Sure ok. But those things dont outweigh the crushing agony of existing. And it seems like no one gets it. No one listens to me that he was it. This life without him is hollow and bland. They tell me to focus on myself. Why? How? It doesn't compute in my head. I would show myself mercy not put me through more torture. I have no reason anymore. I thought maybe I could make my torturous existence at least somewhat more bareable, but nope. That gets torn down too. Can't even have a little bit. No one really even helps me. They give me hugs, tell me its gunna be ok , it'll get better but no one DOES anything to help. Hell my friends have stopped even checking in because I'm so sad they don't want to be around me. So i have to pretend just so im not utterly alone. Still feels like i am though. If any can tell me how to make this even a tiny bit better id appreciate it. Even my therapist says im already doing all the things she would advise. The saddest part is at least 60% could be fixed with money. I hate our world.

[theparchmentmanagerie]

I had hope. A tiny seed. I believed you were good. Scared and young maybe had some poison puy in your head, but ultimately good inside. This was not good. You killed my hope seed. I have nothing left in me now. I don't manipulate people. If i had wanted to manipulate you I couldve told you how I tried to kill myself, got super close too, but stopped because I thought you would blame yourself and i couldnt hurt you like that. Or how i cvt myself now because of all the pain you caused me. How this is the worst thing someone has ever done to me including all the things you hated my exes for doing to me. This, you hurt me worse than any of them, because I loved you so fully. I trusted you implicitly. You knew what they did to me and you promised over and over you wouldnt do the same. I guess you were right you didnt do the same. You did worse. They were at least strong enough to face their pain and be my friend after. They didnt have to turn me into a villian because they cant face what they did. They said sorry. I couldve told you all of that if i wanted to manipulate your emotions, but i didnt. I didnt tell you about my pain. I hope you wake up some day and realize how wrong you were and how horrible what youve done is. How much of a betrayal it is. I dont wish you ill i only wish you justice.

[daughterofanarcissistwoman]

[theparchmentmanagerie]

You. Best friends for so long. I never gave up on you. How could you do this to me?

[werewolveswithdiaries]

[theparchmentmanagerie]

Ugh moms

[cutevintagetoys]