therapyaddict

my personal verdict on as many self-enriching experiments and exploration as physically possible

[therapyaddict]

Real life

I’m confused, the raging current of anxiety that I am so used to feeling running through my veins seems to have run dry. 

I’m bored.

This feels like crunch time…

I can already feel the urge to get swept up again, to find something to worry about, find something wrong with me…. temptation.

But there is nothing wrong. Everything is fine, and I am not just saying that! I can feel the doubt in your mind as you read these words! 

People are inherently good. The same sense of suspision hangs over this phrase which I keep repeating to myself.

Why doubt?

Why not trust?

Why not have faith?

Believing in goodness and beauty does not make me an idiot!

Does this ring true to you?

Why are we so hesitant?

I know the one thing I can control, the one thing that deludes me into believing I am safe…. it’s the one thing I have to give up…

[positivebodyimageproject]

#positivebodyimage #loveyourself #beautiful #body

[therapyaddict]

AA 12 Steps

The relative success of the AA program seems to be due to the fact that an alcoholic who no longer drinks has an exceptional faculty for "reaching" and helping an uncontrolled drinker.

In simplest form, the AA program operates when a recovered alcoholic passes along the story of his or her own problem drinking, describes the sobriety he or she has found in AA, and invites the newcomer to join the informal Fellowship.

The heart of the suggested program of personal recovery is contained in Twelve Steps describing the experience of the earliest members of the Society:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5.Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Text from http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/About-AA/The-12-Steps-of-AA

[austinkleon]

It is hard to judge your own work, no matter who you are. If you are successful, there is the added danger that people might not be honest. My wife, by the way, is absolutely fantastic—she has no ­respect for me. I can hand her a script and she will tell me straight out that it’s boring. And that’s invaluable.

Michael Haneke (via austinkleon)

[sarahsaturday]

[coffeeandmeditation]

For more daily quotes, follow Coffee & Meditation on Instagram.

[therapyaddict]

One of my one on one students was taking mersyndol everyday for migraines. After one week of yoga with me he stopped taking them completely. He looks and feels 1000% better. His flexibility has

Yoga is my biggest and healthiest addiction!

[coffeeandmeditation]

A friend is one soul dwelling in two bodies.

Aristotle (via coffeeandmeditation)

[therapyaddict]

not to be OTT evangelical!

Ken Wilber gives the best Crib notes on Eastern Philosophy… and how we should be living x

[therapyaddict]

Reading List 2015

1. Integral Spirituality - Ken Wilbur 2. The Hundred Secret Senses - Amy Tan 3. Fierce Medicine - Ana Forest 4. The Blindfold - Siri Hustevedt 5. Committed - Elizabeth Gilbert 6. I Am Pilgrim 7. The Dancing Wu Li masters - Gary Zuzak 8. Let The Great World Spin - Colum McCann 9. I never Promised You a Rose Garden - Joanne Greenburg 10. Catching the Wold of Wallstreet- Jordan Belfort 11. Nothing Special - Charotte Joko Beck 12. Jacob de Zoet - David Mitchell 13. Dharma Bums - Jack Kerouac 14. Buddhism - prof someone, headmaster of Indian university in late 1800’s 15. Eating Animals - Jonathan Saffrom Froer 16. I am Charlotte Simmonds - Tom Wolff 17. Super Immunity - Joel Fuhrman MD 18. A Walk in the Woods - Bill Bryson 19. The Game - AS Byatt 20. The Rosie Project - 21. The Baghavad Gita - Eknath Easwaren 22. Luka and the Fire of Life - Salman Rushdie

[therapyaddict]

23. Black Swan Green - David Mitchell

24. Mindfulness and the 12 Steps

25. When things Fall Apart - Pema Chodron

26. The Shape of Green - Lance Hosey

27. Cradle to Cradle - William McDonough

28. Ghost Written - David Mitchell

29. Number 9 Dream - David Mitchell

31. Integral Life Practice - Ken Wilber

32. Euphoria - Lily King

33. Yoga; History & Philosophy - George Feurrstein

34. Freedom - Osho

35. The Ground Beneath Her Feet - Salman Rushdie

36. The Red House - Mark Haddon

37. I am the Messenger - Markus Zuzak

38. After Dark - Murikami

39. Slade House - David Mitchell

40. Big Magic - Elizabeth Gilbert

41. Space Clearing & energy - Karen Kingston

[therapyaddict]

It’s been a while … 2015.11.02

I am out of the woods.

I feel like a different person but I am not ashamed of the posts I scroll through here.

Habitually my first impulse would be to delete. Start again. 

With my new skin.

Second impulse is to slip back into the old one. The familiar that I see here. 

It’s easy to give in to compulsion. To hide under fear and sadness. It’s taken a lot from me to climb out. I don’t discredit the anti-depressants but I don’t think that’s all there is to this.

I have worked f&*ing hard at this. And I still have a long way to go. I am human. I always will.

That’s kind of the point.

[therapyaddict]

12 Steps

1. JOINING THE GREAT WE : FOUR PURE INSIGHTS

Release the delusion of separateness: I am normal

Admitting our suffering, Opening to community : I am not the only one

Entering the field in the fellowship of others: All humans have fears and shortcomings. Let’s be cushy and gooey and flawed as we cry on each other’s shoulders.

2. COMING TO

Seeing our internal response to events : I control me behavior, I am too afraid to be normal, real 

Awakened beings are just like you and me : I have potential

Accessing our true nature through a still mind: I am mindful of my thoughts and actions. I realize I cannot control them, I can only recognize them and adjust my behavior.

3. TAKING REFUGE

The Three Gems or Triple Treasure: 

We let go of our delusions of control, and turn to three specific spiritual practices: 

Awakening (Buddha), 

Understanding (dharma) & 

Community Sangha).

4. ENTERING THE DRAGON’S CAVE

Three sources of shame: Inherited (from childhood & family), Inflicted (experiencing abuse or neglect) & Projected (when we inflict pain on ourselves or others).

A path beyond shame: I can live without pain and without negative behavior.

Facing our ambivalence: I don’t want to let go of my delusions of control! What else is there inside me? I am terrified = I am human.

5.PLACING OURSELVES IN THE CRADLE OF KINDNESS

Trust others and trust the universe

A release from the burden of self: I hand over to a professional psychologist & nutritionist. This time I actually do what they tell me and believe that it will work. I have faith. 

Practice Karuna (Loving Kindness): toward myself and others

Growing love through meditation: I have compassion

The ancient structure of Call and Response: The world will love me back - OMG the terror! The earth has not crumbled beneath my feet yet, it is not reasonable to expect that it will. 

6. TURNING OVER A NEW LEAF

Cutting through confusion with Awareness: I recognise my unreasonable thoughts & emotions.

Seeing the anatomy of a character defect: I undress my shadow and try to understand it. 

Defects as delusions: The daughters of Mara inhabit me:

Skandha: My defensiveness, a false view of who I am

Klesha: I allow pain to overwhelm me, I over react

Devaputra: pleasure will block out pain - my addictions and compulsions become my whole world

Yama: Inside this delusional world I can control suffering though my compulsions

I ask God / Buddha (awareness) to remove my delusions - I hand over and TRUST.

7. VOWING WITH THE HELP OF ALL BEINGS

Hitting the pause button: I stop and become present before reacting

Touching our Buddha Nature: I am present and aware

The power of aspiration: I believe that I can harness my energy

Create your vow: I will have a healthy family

Releasing shortcomings through vows: acknowledge, let go an invite: I control what I eat, it does not mean I am safe, I will accept what is given to me with freedom and without defensiveness.

8. FINDING PEARLS IN THE DUSTBIN

Seeing our shadow, ending our isolation: I do not hide or lie about what I eat. 

Just the right amount of remorse: I am reasonable and realistic.

The desire to make amends: I see clearly who I have hurt. I relinquish the need to hide behind compulsive self punishment. I decide to stand up, confess and make amends. 

I actively make amends: My old friend, who I was too selfish to see through hard times, my bother who I persecuted for being born. My lover for trying to defend my compulsions, I attempt to open myself to accept food from him made for me with love, even if it does not comply to my old rules.

Experiencing the grace of forgiveness:TBC

9. STANDING ON THE GROUND OF OUR DEEDS

Three times to reflect on our actions: After, during and before.

Naikan Practice: Japanese practice of “looking inside” and taking inventory every day of:

What have I received?

What have I given?

What difficulties have I caused?

Every day….

10. MAKING CONSCIOUS CONTACT

Breathing into prayer and Meditation: I practice daily through meditation, yoga or an integral module.

Going against the grain of unmindful living: People will be critical, I do not need to defend myself or justify my choices.

Watering the seeds of my Buddha nature: Come into present awareness at every opportunity

Living from a Full Cup: I am grateful and I accept what is given to me with love.

11. REMEMBERING OUR TRUE FACE

Awakening the mind of love: I acknowledge my spiritual awakening

Two Levels of Bodhichitta (the enlightened mind): Aspiration & Application

Awakening the space between thoughts: I am, I release to such-ness

12. EXTEND THE INVITATION

I vow to help others find freedom

[therapyaddict]

12 Steps 19th July 2015

An eating disorder is an addiction. Like an alcoholic in recovery will never not be an alcoholic, an anorexic mind will never be normal. Sometimes I’m jealous of drug addicts, I wish it were easy enough to just give up my drug forever. We  cannot live without food, hunger is inevitable, but when you are addicted to hunger, terrified of it at the same time, how do you learn to change how you react to hunger. You do so with control, arranging your life around food, controlling your daily situations to avoid hunger. This is how I have been living for the last 3 years more so than ever and it’s not viable. I realize all I have done is trade in my addiction for hunger for an addiction to control.

Clinics for Eating disorders follow the 12 Step program adjusted to fit the brief. I tried and failed in my search to find even one support group in the country, although I did find many for over-eaters anonymous, and reading material is also pretty much the same. What I did eventually find was a book, Mindfulness and the 12 Steps: Living Recovery in the Present Moment by Therese Jacobs Stewart. 

So here are the crib notes...

[therapyaddict]

Frustration 19th July 2015

I can’t put my finger on what this thing that dwells inside me is. I am caught, my frozen muscles won’t allow me to un-hunch, un-clench or stop scratching. The latter is a new habit on which I seem to have come to rely. I can’t stop scratching at scabs on my scalp. I pull off hard yellow crusts and have to lick blood from my fingernails. Disgustingly satisfying addiction.What to do.

So many things to do, so many things to fix, I don’t know where to turn first.

The truth is that the scratching takes my mind off food. Some days I can’t think of anything but what I should / should not be eating / have eaten / eat next. It’s relentless, and it’s not hunger, hunger is it’s favorite drug though. I try to avoid hunger as much as possible because I know she danger it brings… gluttony, the cardinal sin. 

The mechanic says “It’s okay to binge, everyone does it. It’s what you do afterwards that matters.” He doesn’t know though, and as hard as I try to explain he can’t be persuaded, it’s the same thing though. I binge when I know I will purge. I binge in order to purge. It’s one and the same. Indulgence must be controlled. This is how I live, this is how I have taught myself to avoid purging. 

I can’t go back. 

[therapyaddict]

Re-callibration… 10th July 2015

The Mechanic has enlightened me with a number of revelatory theories in the last month. One is the analogy of the ferrari, and no, there is no monk in this story. I’ve never been much of an engine-head but I am this ferrari! She is an amazing machine, put her on the race track and she purrs a splendid performance, beauty, harmony and elegance in motion. Currently (or for as long as I can remember), however, the ferrari has wandered off the track and is trying desperately to tackle a rough dirt road with the same je ne sais quoi with which she is accustomed to on the smooth tar. Expectations are high and the disillusion she feels when the ground beneath her has literally crumbled is confusing and overwhelming. Cold sweats and dizzy spells as she pushes harder and harder toward the inevitable breaking point.  Slightly melodramatic, but you get the drift. 

We analyze core beliefs, what gives us meaning and figure out how to live a life that is in line with this. While I can hypothesize, meditate, read and yogi myself into the stratosphere I really can’t tell you who I am or what the hell my supposed Buddha-Nature looks like. Right now I have lost my strongest anchor, my identity is in total crisis and I have no idea which way is up.

So how does the ferrari find the racetrack? I have no idea but I’m coughing up a lot of ZARS to hear the end of the story and will surely make note of it here.

[therapyaddict]

The ultimate fix… 5th July 2015

CBT follows logical steps and I am moving swiftly through them with The Mechanic. It all seems so obvious when laid out in black and white. There is a lot of diagram scribbling, check list rating and homework involved in The Mechanic’s program of action. For example, it’s easy to see why and how I have formed my deluded sense of self after the Negative Life Experience exercise (explained in my last post). It’s also only logical to look at the facts and see that my current reality is not just flawed but f&*$ed and things need to change. i.e.. I need to eat more. What a revelation. I cannot tell you how many times to I have had the fact that if I don’t “just eat” my marriage will fall apart, my career will flop and I will end up just another lost and lonely anorexic. I have swallowed this pill many times and it doesn’t get any easier. In fact it’s harder to hear every time, why is this record stuck on repeat, surely it should be easily fixed and I should have done it by now!? 

Failure = guilt = depression & anxiety = giving up = deluding myself that I’m ok… 

I hope and pray that The Mechanic can fix this machine but to be honest, no matter how much I tell myself and him that I am fully committed I still can’t see the happy ending that he can.

I still catch myself thinking up ways to avoid calories and carbs… it’s ingrained. Because I do all my meal preparation and shopping myself it’s like asking a dog to walk on two legs. The Mechanic says we must force behavior but I don’t know if I can trust myself to force myself. I am too good at tricking myself and too good at controlling mealtime situations to ensure that I get to be in charge of my plate. For years my bowl has been my own, my safety net, protecting me from fatness and failure and anything unknown, I have learnt to protect it and covet it…. my precious. And now they want to take it away from me, or worse, they want me to give it away…. how can I have my cake and eat it or avoid the cake completely and puke it up?

This is all far too confusing...

[therapyaddict]

The dreaded virus… June 2013

I had been trying for months to push through my life and wondering why it all felt so ridiculously difficult! My flourishing business, happy marriage and cosy home should not be sucking the life out of me. During what should have been a blissful honeymoon, the cracks started to show, and despite the efforts of therapists and anti-depressants, they were only pushing further apart. Everything was a struggle, I was constantly exhausted and the worst part was that I couldn’t admit it because I had absolutely NO valid reason for feeling like this. My life war p-e-r-f-e-c-t… The beginning of Winter struck me down hard with such a severe case of strep throat that for once I actually believed that I was indeed sick. Usually flu, colds and tummy bugs for me are writhing episodes of anxiety and confusion because I can’t tell if I’m physically sick or merely making it up in my head! I’ve always felt guilty for playing hookie. When the second round of antibiotics didn’t touch sides my doctor did some blood tests. It turned out that I had the blasphemous Coxsackie Virus in about 5 different strains. Ultimately, through a long list of medical-talk this virus attacks the immune system and can sit dormant in the victim for months leeching off her energy, sucking her dry over time and leaving her depleted. When coxsackie comes into contact with an attractive virus (like flu) it partners up and takes the victim out. Ah-ha! A diagnosis finally vindicated me! My months of tiredness, weight loss, depression etc, all found a root cause. At last I had something physical to blame. This seems to simple, an of course it was, but I really do believe that this little bug had a big part to play in the year leading up to this point.

Although there’s no real way of telling how I picked up the virus, I am pretty convinced that it was in one of the not-so-savoury bathrooms in India in which I had thrown up my dinner in 18 months previously. Note to self…

That’s a pretty low place to be in. When was I sicker? Now, with a doctor’s diagnosed virus or when I was in the state of mind where I was desperate enough to hide my puking from my loving fiancé and slap on a smile and appetite to “enjoy” our adventurous holiday. As I said, sickness is a confusing topic for me.

[therapyaddict]

What do you do with a pile of dirt once you have dug it up?   1st July 2015

Charlie is with me, we arrive too rushed and cold at 7am at the Sandton Anxiety and trauma Clinic. This is my third session with a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist and the first time that Charlie is accompanying me. Thankfully the fact that I haven’t had a chance to wake up yet prevents me from the panic that would surely ensue had I thought this through. I will dub my psychologist The Mechanic after his astute analogy to how we were about to re-calibrate my intuition as if it were a machine. This logical, presentable and kind human has been tasked with the job of finding a way to make me stop doing all the strange and crazy things I have been doing to myself and to those around me for the last 20 years. He claims to have a method and, more importantly, faith. 

His conviction and dedication chased off my skepticism in our first consultation. And to be honest, the whole in-patient-out-patient-not-even-a-valid-”patient” debate had chased me around in so many circles of doubt and confusion that I was utterly exhausted. The prospect of someone who would help me find a clear direction without namby, pamby talk-therapy was music to me deafened ears. 

I was now opting for the full blown, all cards on the table psycho-bootcamp. And it is indeed hardcore. Screw climbing to Annapurna Base camp in 15ft snow over 12 days. This is far tougher. 

Today, I have completed the homework assigned to me two days ago; writing down all the negative life experiences thus far and my reactions to them. After a cathartic public holiday, I now had to run through this petty and cringeworthy list with The Mechanic and with Charlie (who was in for some surprises). My bullet point list included episodes of purging, binging, spitting, hiding food, lying to loved ones, being a nasty little bitch of a child and hating many many moments I should have treasured. I couldn’t add the other dark memories that my clever  conscious has buried too deeply to see beyond a blur. I hope / fear that The Mechanic may be able to coax them out through hypnosis. 

The process is intense and it rocks be back and forth from hopeful elation to despair. I’m not taking things day by day, but hour by hour. Things are rumbling inside me, coming out in all sorts of ways. I am again awed at Charlie’s love and faith in me. He’s in this with me and has been warned that he will have to force me to do things I don’t want to do (good luck with that one) and be prepared to see me change in unpredictable ways. 

As I think I mentioned before, it’s way scarier to see those skeletons come dancing out of their closet than it is when they are safely locked up in comfortable darkness.