Just one thing? Shoot, Talli will get the giggles staring at a goose of avocado for too long thank you Vine compilations. Bubbles, funny sounds, Griffin going on a tangent about something, Jacen getting dreamy over Damien (though those are more giggles because cuteness.) Basically, if you sat Talli down to watch one of those “Try Not To Laugh” videos, she’d lose.
Fast.
05: A memory that your character wishes to erase
((OOC: this is a very long list for Tallulah, and just about every one of them belongs under a cut...SO while they will also be tagged, I’m going to throw any possible tags up before the tid-bits as well))
tw abuse, tw drug abuse, tw abusive parent, tw alcohol, tw mental health, tw depression[It’s a massive flipping trigger warning]
“No.”
That basic one word sentence that she heard on repeat for as long as she could remember, constantly followed up by a way to improve.
“Now go fix your nails...” hair, face, shirt. Anything to dismiss not only the notion, but Tallulah as a whole. Out of sight, out of mind.
“Oli-- Mother, I need to talk to you.”“What is it now, Tallulah? Can’t you see I’m busy?”“Yes, of course. I just need a minute.”“Well the minute is dragging. Out with it.”“I want to see a therapist.”“Absolutely not.”“But--”“No but’s. I won’t hear another word about this. Do you know what people would say? They already talk behind my back because of your father. This would ruin me.”“What about me? Your daughter. What about what it could do for me?“Honestly, I don’t know how I raised such a selfish child. What on Earth could you need to talk to that sort of person for?”“Oh, I don’t know...maybe drugs? Depression?”“Please, half the women in this town have a drug problem. Now go get what you need from my cabinet to make yourself tolerable and get ready for this party.”“That is the opposite of a solution, Mother!”“Take enough and you’ll feel numb, take more and you won’t feel anything. Either way, it solves my problem.”
The conversation played on a loop in Tallulah’s mind, not even the screaming cicadas or wandering hands could steal her attention away.
“Smile.”“Be pleasant.”“For the love of God don’t just sit by yourself.”
Every rib nudge, arm pinch, and under-the-breath order was paired with a pill or a drink. The total sum of which lead her to the questionable position she found herself in.
Had she taken the apperation courses her sixth year Tallulah wouldn’t even be stuck at this damned party. But alas, her sixth year had been spent high, spiraling, and honestly barely scraping by. No professor in their right mind would have let her attempt apperation anyway.
Instead, eager callused hands tangles in her hair and pushed the fabric of her dress of her thigh. Leaning against the frame of the french doors leading to some neighbor’s back yard ‘garden party’ Tallulah had an excellent vantage point to watch horror build on Olivia’s face over such impropriety. But she wasn’t done yet. Oh no.
“Let’s go swimming, Trevor.”“It’s Tony, and we don’t have suits,” Tony returned to slobbering on her neck, as if his objection was enough to change her mind, like the good complacent girl she was taught to be.
“Who needs swimwear anyway?” unsteady legs carried Tallulah towards the pool as she hiked her dress up over her head, to the horror and delight of the proper southern socialites. They were going to have something to talk about for ages.
She’s the type of girl who would hold you while you cry and stay up all night just to make sure that you’re okay, even if she’s the one breaking sometimes.
I’m a sucker for you. A.M.//
(via kilgravesjessica)
Jacen walked out of the building in a slight daze. It wasn’t like big, bustling environments were intimidating to him by any means, but this meeting carried a slightly heavier weight than he was used to. Not a bad weight, more like slightly raised importance.
See, it wasn’t that Jay didn’t care for the entry-level positions that had been offered by the uni’s guidance counselor, it was that he really, definitely, one-hundred percent could not stand them. He did not want to be an inventory specialist for the local botanist down the road. He did not want to spend all day in a library filing books according to a system that was beyond ancient. He could have gotten away with sneaking some reading material, if the part-time hours offered weren’t abysmal at less than three hours a week. What was the point of the advertisement if they didn’t plan on getting to know the employee? And the secretarial job was laughable.
This one Jacen found all by himself. Sure, he may have come upon it while bringing lunch in the cutest little basket ever, well-packed by the sweet old lady who runs the produce stand outside of his dormitory. She claimed she wanted to get some meat on his bones, but when he looked, it was clearly packed for two - with double cutlery and a tartan blanket and containing a neatly displayed flask of butterbeer.
Two hours and a forgotten lunch date later, he walked out of the Ministry of Magic with a slightly goofy grin on his face because things had gone much better than he had initially thought. In the middle of fucking everywhere, he plopped down on the footpath and brought his mobile out to facetime and clicked a random contact and hit enter. It rang approximately twice before connecting.
“I found a job!” he beamed into the camera.
brrrzt...brrzt...brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrzt
“Oh fishsticks where did I leave that thing?”
Clothing and pillows were tossed in the air in a manner that would most definitely irk Tallulah at a later point in time, however this was an emergency. How is a girl supposed to survive without her phone? She had a pop-socket for every day of the week! And in true fashion of her generation, she couldn’t possibly tell you what the ringtone sounded like because silent was the best setting. Except for these sorts of situations.
brrrzt...brrzt...brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrzt
Talli moved to the desk under her precarious loft bed that was set up in the uni dorm. Charms had never been her strong suit then again neither was anything else really but she had been practicing the undetectable expansion charm because how incredibly useful would that be! About halfway through destroying her beautifully organized desk Talli remembered something absolutely obvious and reached for the wand on the windowsill. at least she knew where that was.
“Accio phone,” not but a whisper, because how embarrassing to lose your phone (in your pillow, apparently) and forget you’re a witch all in the same go?
Jay’s face on the screen brightened the girl back up though. With a swipe of her thumb the glorious beaming face of Jacen Wood filled the screen with the most excellent news.
Tallulah squeeeeeeeeed at a decibel that got the attention of her roommate out in the common area, who peeked in before shrugging off Talli’s over excited antics.
“Jay that’s amazing,” she sang “now tell me absolutey everything!”
The human mind was water. This should have been a plain enough conclusion, considering the composition of human bodies. But it wasn’t in its liquids content so much as its methods that the spirit emulated the emotional element best. Whenever one looked around at the seemingly peaceful ocean a person often found themselves in, suddenly a current would shake foundations until then unknown, devastate a scenario believed to be unalterable, and soon you’d find yourself utterly lost, gaping and wondering why.
Why, of course, was the question that kept you going. From the ocean you’d swim back to the sea, from the sea to the river, swimming against the current like a salmon all pink and fresh until you’d find the source. You might not have noticed back then, when you were young and naive, oblivious to your own knee-jerk reactions. You hadn’t noticed but that didn’t mean every thought, feeling, gossip, insult or injury wasn’t carved inside you; it didn’t mean you weren’t acting on sentiments which origins were completely lost on you.
Undertaking such a long, insightful journey took dedication, but if you stuck to it and held on fast it was possible for you to find answers to the silliest of questions. Such as, in Nikolai Vasile’s case, how come I’ve never liked this idiotic little witch?
The answer was simple: niceties. Tallulah Franch had never been anything but lovely to the boy who, on paper, was older than her, but in all reality always felt like a baby when she came to soothe his rabbit-heart. Never in his life had he felt more insulted than when Talli, as she had always insisted he’d call her, would take his hand and drag him from place to place, joyous and free like he could never be. Even then, frightful, meek Nikolai had hated the girl. His subconscious had just never let him know back then.
So what to do, now, once you had gotten to the first spurt of water, the very beginning on the stream? What to do with this knowledge, should he act on it? She had belittled him, no matter her laudable intentions, and even years later he wanted to make her pay. But he’d play it smooth, like he always did. Tallulah wouldn’t see him coming until it was too late. “Alone by the lake, that’s quite the romantic picture. Aren’t you cold?” He plopped down next to her, friendly smile on his face and in his voice. “You can have my vest if you are, I’m running as warm as ever.”
Such a funny thing, life. The young spend their time dreaming of the future, and the old find themselves longing for the past. It seemed to be one of the only things that could be counted on...
Polished toes broke the calm surface of the lake as Tallulah where she fell among it all. Nostalgia and dreams had no place in her mind, not without a familiar voice reminding her that neither would provide her with any sort of comfort. The only comfort she found was in the present...for the most part anyway. At the present present she allowed herself, in the company of only herself, to feel the overwhelming inadequacies wash over her. The only thing that kept her grounded was her legs dangling over the edge of the ancient dock.
School work was nothing; notes, effective and steady study habits, as well as exceptional communication with her professors kept her head above the chill of failure. Friends kept her mind moving, no matter the pace they inspired. Everything from the meticulous notes to the carefully composed appearance was a mask to the world. True happiness was a luxury for those meant for something more, but little Talli had learned she would only ever be a supporting character. It had taken a decent amount of her summer to come to terms with, but some people simply weren’t meant for much.
Three things. Three unremarkable (in a sense) things were slaved over to create the delicate wand that sat gingerly across her soft palms. Even then she could feel the warmth, the vibrations that weeped from the wand. From the very moment she had set eyes on the thing she knew it to be hers. So why was she so very...uninspiring when it came to using it. A big wand for a big personality...an extension of herself. That is what is was supposed to be, so logically, much like the materials used, Talli was unremarkable.
“Suck it up, kid, magic runs in your veins.”
Over the past three years those words had become her mantra, she could recite them perfectly without the slightest quake in her voice. Her eyes, well, they were different seeing as one had managed a few tears.
Tallulah “swing first, apologize later” Franch practically lept out of her skin at the silky voice that came from her six. Habit lead her to brush the pesky runaways from her cheek before flashing a friendly smile over her shoulder at none other than Little Nikky. She could physically feel herself relax knowing it was only him. Of all her dearest friends, Nik knew how it felt, the feeling of being...lost. At least, she thought he did...sullen in his younger years he never revealed much, and Talli never pried.
“Oh, Nikolai! You scared me half to death! When did you become so sneaky, anyhow?” As if summoned, a gust of wind brought goose-bumps to her arms, “That’s alright, I like the cold. Thank you for the offer though.”
“Oh thank goodness! I’ve never been very good at the whispering thing. ‘Words are meant to be heard, not muttered,’ that’s what Nana always said.” Tallulah pushed farther into the room, careful not to bump her bag of snacks on anything. Crushed macarons were sad macarons afterall. Having another person to hang with was just swell with Talli. Not that she had grown tired of her other friends, not in the least. Rian was like sprinkles on ice cream, and Jay, well, who could have sprinkles and ice creaming without hot fudge?! Nik was as much a sour-puss as Bagheera, but she adored them both all the same. Really she could go on, and thats the way she liked it. The more people she had to talk to the less time she spent pouring obsessively over her school work until she fluffed it up.
It was refreshing to see James so rosey-cheeked again. The poor dear had indeed been in rough shape when they last met, but the new term seemed to be treating him well. Of course, he practically had a militias worth of relatives to keep him company, and that had to help...right?
“Peachy keen, jelly bean,” she flashed a bright grin before taking her perch on the edge of the couch. Ankles crossed, shoulders squared, skirt arranged just right...her mother would be so proud. “Thanks for answering! I wasn’t so sure you would, you have to be ever so busy this term.”
Snow White, Karis & the poor unfortunate soul that joins in
Once upon a time Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was a wonderful and safe place for youngsters to learn about magic. But the happy days of floating pumpkins and corn mazes had apparently long past, because the staff (who were out of their fro-yo minds) decided to turn that haven upside down. One would have thought that the events from the previous term that left students more mixed up than mashed potatoes would have inspired a mellower celebration, but nooo.
Instead Tallulah was inching down new corridors (that had not been there the night before) on quaking knees. Right when she thought she knew where she was going, things changed. What the actual fluff?
Talli wanted to curse at the world.
...or write it a strongly worded letter.
Heavy mist engulfed her ankles so perfectly that, had she not seen them only seconds before, she might have thought her feet had vanished. This was the sort of stuff that muggles put into horror movies. And it was happening in a place she considered home. And considered fun? She didn't do well with the muggle stuff, so, needless to say, Talli was on the verge of tears.
Right around when the doxies started harassing her, knotting her hair and pulling at her costume (like those mean branches in the real snow white) she started swinging, because who the fluff kept doxiecide on their person anyway?
Adrenaline and sheer irritation kept any logical thought from entering her pretty little head. Even after the doxies were gone and her target became princess of some sorts. But it was too late to stop...fist met face and reality came washing over her revealing something far worse than annoying hairy pixies. Karis Stern.
There were a number of things that kept Talli upbeat during the school year; coffee, cocoa, well constructed study schedules, a properly made bed, super melty butter on fresh toast... you get the idea. The thing that never failed to bring her out of a slump of any size was her trusty iPod. Most days she could be found humming along to Miranda Lambert or two stepping her way down the corridor, but other days, the exceptionally stressful ones, called for more desperate measures.
Like the Cha-Cha Slide in the greenhouses.
Broom in hand (of the non-flying variety) Talli slid to the left, and then to the right, singing into the broom handle as she swept. The other greenhouses were surely finished up by that point. That was the magic of cleaning with...well, magic. But those other guys didn’t know the glory of DJ Casper.
Everything was going smooth up until she needed to reverse. The narrow walkway littered with terra cotta pots and top soil was proving to be a more questionable stage than she had originally thought. Just like that, with the wrong twist of the foot Talli was stumbling, grabbing desperately at the air to keep from falling. She failed, of course, as soon as she stomped her stupid foot into one of the undoubtably diabolical pots, landing her teaparty straight onto the ground. (Which hurt even more than the first time she did it.)
“Owwwwie,” she whined as she rubbed what was sure to be a gnarly bruise forming on her derriere.
Looking from side to side, he raised a brow curiously. From a distance he either looked like he was purposefully dilly dallying or that he had lost his way. Up close, it was definitely the latter. Raking a hand through his coiffed hair, ruffling it up just a bit, Jericho glanced around the corner with his lips pursed to one side. “Now which way was it to those damn kitchens again?”
The crisp air that threatened to usher in the autumn was a delight unlike any other. Sure, fall back home was pretty, but there was nothing quite like the changing of seasons at Hogwarts. Talli had been soaking in the general wonder of it all when she spotted a tall figure, stuck in place for one reason or another. His voice reached her before her feet could bring her close enough for a proper introduction, “If you’d be willing to hold on I can show you!” she sang down the hall.
After their little impromptu cider session over the summer Tallulah had been itching to see how James was doing. Such was the trouble of being that nagging friend. But who could turn down coffee and macarons?
One step, two step, and so on...She practically skipped up the steps to see her acquaintance– no, friend. They had definitely passed the friend threshold. Right? Of course they did. How silly of her to even question such a thing. Then again, it wasn’t exactly difficult to get lost in the imaginary possibilities that went along with a face as cute as James Potter’s, but someone that was in love with someone else was exactly not her type. Which is what she continued to tell herself as she made her way down the hall.
The heavy wooden door creaked slightly as she pushed her way into the study nook as quietly as she could manage. One thing she positively loved about Hogwarts was the wooden doors that managed to block out any and all excess sound without the assistance of a silencing charm. Or at least she didn’t think there was a charm on the door since it creaked and all...Maybe she would check one day....
“Jimboooo,” she sang his name in a sort of whisper, just incase there was someone else hiding in the study nook.
TAGGING → Tallulah Franch (honorable mentions: Damien Rockwood Richards, Pax Gideon Prewett, Maddox Finnegan)
TIME FRAME → October 21st...ish?
LOCATION → Hufflepuff common room, mention of various Hogwarts locations
GENERAL NOTES → Aries Event: ‘I Am’ self para, an event end sort of thing. FOR THE LOVE OF JON BON JOVI DO NOT READ THIS.
TRIGGER WARNINGS → This whole thing is a damn trigger warning.
tw addiction, tw substance abuse, tw drug abuse, tw suicidal thoughts, tw depression, tw skin picking, tw eating disorder, tw substance dependency, tw needles - I really hope I didn’t miss anything.
One hundred fifty-three...One hundred fifty-four... With each pass of the boar hair brush she counted, mouthing the numbers as she went. Two weeks had passed since it all began. Two weeks of what she was more than willing to call torture. How could she face it? Who was so cruel as to wear it day in and day out? Of course, within the first few days she learned it could change, that if she altered her mindset enough no one would have to know.
Only set back she hadn’t accounted for was the headaches. Tallulah had woken with such a screaming headache she might have cried, only that would make it hurt more. They only ever went away when she started up again. On some level she knew what that meant, all the signs were there, but admitting it tasted bitterly of defeat. So she ignored it, for the most part. Some days she even resisted, dragging through the day with the sound of the blood pounding in her ears and a bounce in her knee she couldn’t quite still. Other days were spent in a haze.
The last solid day she remembered was early October the exact day she couldn’t pin, it was a rather unremarkable day, one that made her long for home. She had been about to shower when she spotted the writing etched into her pale skin. It wasn’t really real or it would have hurt, physically at least. The words themselves bore a hole into Tallulah deeper than the one she had already found herself in. The panic set in over what felt like hours. Starting in her hands, she picked at her cuticles relentlessly, followed by her habitual lip chewing, and then she was running. Running through the halls in little more than her underthings and a bathrobe until she found the person she was searching for.
Why she had run for Damien she wasn’t quite sure, all she knew was that she didn’t want to be yelled at over it.
Every time she tried to speak the words came out in helpless sobs, thankfully she didn’t have to say much, the gnarled scarred looking words conveying everything that she couldn’t manage. Relief flooded over her when he thrusted a flask into her trembling hands and pointed her in the direction of a more or less empty hall that would take her back to the common room as quickly as possible. He was never one for many words when they met, something she found herself more and more grateful for, but still she found herself rather counting on his presence. That should have been a sign too.
After that it was all a mash-up of sleep, moments of painful sobriety, and what she could only assume were memories though they were more like flashes of less hazy moments. Most of them were at the lake, barefoot in the water like a damn idiot. And there was a flash of a particularly angry looking Gideon, though she couldn’t quite recall why he looked so distraught. But that wa something for another time, the main worry was that each night, the real words would reappear before too long. No matter how she tried, Tallulah couldn’t keep the truth at bay forever.
The notebook on her nightstand held a count of how many doses, how frequently, and if there were any irregularities. She kept track from day one, kind of her way of convincing herself that she wasn’t addicted. Not one of her better formed notions, but what else was she going to do? Fess up to it? Like hell she would. Granted, her using was becoming less and less of a secret, which was not ideal. As long as they thought is was a recreational thing she had time. Right?
One hundred sixty-nine, one hundred seventy, Tallulah’s hand froze at one seventy-one as she watched her roommate exit the room and close the door behind her. She had roughly two hours to get everything done, no one expected her to show up at dinner anymore (another unaccounted for side effect). If it wasn’t for the fact that she stopped into the kitchens everyday for some fruit and the occasional late night meal she surely would have been sent back to the matron. Mads already watched her like a hawk as it was.
It felt the damn Truman Show with how many people were watching her, commenting on her weight. Yes she was thin, but no thinner than she had been when she first arrived at the beginning of term a freaking month ago. Tallulah had even managed to gain weight since coming back to Hogwarts, but no one seemed to believe that. Maybe the healer, Krum or whatever, would when she went in for her follow up, because of course she had a stupid follow up.
Once she could no longer hear the footsteps of her roommate Tallulah sprang up off of her bed to lock the door before anyone could pop in and then turned to the trunk at the foot of her bed. Tucked underneath of her non uniform clothing items was everything she needed to prepare for the next day. The flask was still about three quarters full, though at the rate she was going she would need a new on by the weeks end. The fold of leather that held the syringe was tucked into a mess of scarves that did not conform to uniform code.
Carefully she set the items on her yellow and black duvet so she could fish out the fruit she had snagged from the kitchens on her way back from Ancient Runes from her bag. Tallulah pushed up her sleeves and nestled back into her bed, placing the flask between her knees as she would a bottle of nail polish. Unusually steady hands brought the syringe to the opening of the flask and drew out the dose as Damien had showed her...and then a bit more. Not much, but enough for her to have not mentioned it when they met up for a trade. The first couple of time she did it on her own she made a damn mess, missing the mark so many times that the reserve was often empty by the time she actually struck true. Thankfully practice made perfect, as always. She started at the top of the clementine, making a line of small injections so as to not overwhelm one spot and make it burst. That had happened before too. Once she had tried injecting some tarts, but people were more apt to try and pilfer those.
She repeated this process on two more clementines, an apple, and two pears. By the time she was done she had maybe a third of the flask left. Definitely would need more by the week’s end.
About an hour had passed, and the first two clementines she had done were gone, serving their purpose as the words on her chest became jumbled, as if they couldn’t settle on what to display. Chances were it had something to do with the fact that her head was swimming, just enough to not have to focus on much of anything, but only enough to last until lights out.
Unsteady feet carried her to the girls showers, which were relatively empty being that it was still dinner time. She moved slowly, methodically. If it wasn’t for the fact that she had a shower process that she never strayed from she might not have done anything at all. Hot water turning cold reminded her it was well past time to get out and head to be before the real words came back as they did every night. There was no escaping them.
Laying in bed, damp hair soaking the pillow beneath her head everything started to wash over her all over again. Her dad left, her mom was unbearable, she couldn’t not fight with her best friend, and she had this sense of hopelessness that just wouldn’t quit. No matter how she tried to explain it away the feeling stayed, and once it had made the pit in her stomach feel near abysmal she knew the words were back to taunt her. She didn’t even have to look anymore. They were painful, intrusive, and so painfully true.
Only when she finally fell asleep did the words “I AM TIRED OF MY LIFE” finally start to fade.
