bottled words

my pronouns are she because i couldn’t be her, 19, who likes to write but can’t really write

[thesunisalsoastar]

i want to be so many things at once. i want to be the girl who is the top of her class and loves dancing and singing in a club. i want to be the girl who reads and understands shakespeare and jane austen and cook the most tasty pasta. i want to be the perfect girlfriend whose articles get published in the newspaper. i want to be an amazing sister who loves the gym and can squat a 100kg. i want to be able to paint and be an amazing photographer. i want to be the book lover nerd who loves unravelling biology.

i want to be so many things and i want to be so many people at once, it’s suffocating sometimes. but i also love wanting to have so many things because at the end of the day when i stare at the beautiful sky or stand in the rain it makes me realise how alive i am and that’s a beautiful thing.

[dragonsblowingoutbirthdaycandles]

your life is not an optimization problem

[dragonsblowingoutbirthdaycandles]

as in you'll never achieve the perfect daily routine, sleep schedule, coping mechanisms, mannerisms, fashion sense etc. even after years and years of healing and improvement and self-discovery. you will never be so good at life that you manage to utilize every waking moment. its great to be productive and all but sometimes you'll suck ass. sometimes you'll take eight hours to be done with a twenty minute job. you'll prioritize the wrong thing. you'll sleep for 12 hrs just to avoid being awake. you'll relapse. and you'll relapse again. you'll forget to turn in the assignment. you'll order too little food. life is far too large and complex for you to even experience it completely, much less try to make sense of and control it. you can't. please give up on that and be at peace with the hours you lose. they are not separate from your life.

[aropride]

the smallest artist i listen to? probably the bird outside my window

[yms1]

Someday you will know that respect is more important than love.

[thesunisalsoastar]

in the future i don’t want my child to ever feel the need to have the patience i have with my parents

[thesunisalsoastar]

just realised the full extent of my mom’s disappointment in me v nice day

[thesunisalsoastar]

i hope he wakes up one day and realises just how much he messed me up and that pain of guilt weighs down on his heart at least 1/10th of how much his actions did on mine

[thesunisalsoastar]

why did i have to be depressed for so long and why did my depression waste so much of my time and why did i become myself again so late why did i get my motivation to build a life for myself back so late

why could not time have just been in my favour by a few weeks or months

[thesunisalsoastar]

i am losing my fucking shit right now

[thesunisalsoastar]

do you guys like tea or coffee? personally i would like to know what it feels like to be enough but i like tea

[thesunisalsoastar]

the bittersweet irony of being proud of yourself for surviving all your struggles but also not being able to forgive yourself for losing so much time

[thesunisalsoastar]

i don’t think people realise that sweet optimistic words of motivation don’t get thru a depressed person. when i was depressed i had absolute zero reaction to motivation, my brain would not react to it, and i only realised this later when i’m in a much better place now and motivation started getting thru to me

[thesunisalsoastar]

one of the biggest things that keeps me going is that if my entire life ever fell apart and broke in the worst ways possible it would still be worth living because i could just find a way to serve and help other people, and if im able to do that my life is worth living no matter how hard

humanity is worth all those struggles

[thesunisalsoastar]

realising you’re emotionally enough for yourself so you’ll be able to go thru most things by yourself if it unfortunately ever came to that is so empowering

[thesunisalsoastar]

one of those days where im overwhelmed by the past and everything that went downhill for me to be so miserable today but simultaneously im also blaming myself and feeling guilty for never being enough and the day just feels like

guilt and trauma and hurt and scars and failure and every unpleasant feeling you can ever imagine

[thesunisalsoastar]

sometimes my life just

hurts. so much.

[thesunisalsoastar]

when you are a former gifted, now burnt out kid and the amount of love and validation you got growing up was proportional to the amount of marks you scored but the catch is that it was inversely proportional so even when i scored the highest marks on a test or even when i was the top of my class i was still not enough