The Therapy Void

[thetherapyvoid]

What Is Wrong With Me?

There must be something wrong with me (27 F). It is starting to feel like my Dad (56 M) and sister (30 F) have abandoned me. It feels more closely like they are punishing me. In 2021, I had to move to a new state for my safety. My mom (52 F) came to visit me because I had been SAed. My mom was the only one who stepped up, and before that point we were estranged. We did not have a good relationship because of a very nasty and heart breaking divorce. She left, ignored me for years, and I have given up on my mom. My dad and sister were the only ones I felt like I could count on until my SA incident. They didn't step up, and my mom came to visit, but took it upon herself to tell them what happened to me (which I hated because it was not her story to tell and she didn't ask me if she could). I had turned mute, I was on disability, and the only one who was there was the woman who I had hated for more than half a decade. 

Three months had passed by at this point and I wasn't much better, I still was not able to live on my own, but my mom had to go back home to Colorado. My dad and sister were not there for me during, and didn't show any interest in helping, so I went with my mom. I had many incidents where I lived before, and I didn't feel safe anywhere anymore, so I left.

Over the passed four years, things felt different between me, my dad and my sister. Fast forward to the first week of April, I work multiple jobs to pay the bills so my partner (28 M) and I have a home. I was working on my sisters birthday, and it was a work day where we were rushing to get the whole store clean and up to code because corporate was coming within thew next couple days and there have been talk about one of the store locations in my town closing down. So I worked super late into the night to make sure that location would not be us.

I get home at about 11, exhausted and starving. I took some time to eat, by the time I go to try to call my sister to wish her happy birthday, I realize it would be 2am her time, and I didn't want to wake her and her family (she has a toddler so I knew this was extra off limits). I sent her a happy birthday text and asked her to call me next time she is free. Six days go by and not a call or an answer when I call.

The reason why this is getting to me is because I always try to reach out and remind them that im still here. I message them often in the mornings telling them "Good morning! I love you!", but I rarely ever get messaged first. I do this thing every once in a while where I don't message that for days or a week to see if they would ever do it for me. They only did it once.

Another thing that had gotten to me is that apparently, my cousin on my dads side had finally visited - after all the time I lived there and the fact I haven't seen them since I was 11 (27 now), they finally visit. No one called me, no one told me or face timed me. I felt shut out. I never feel included anymore. I constantly feel like I'm on the outside, and I feel this happened because I went with my mom.

For years now, I have felt this way. For all the time I've been here, I felt like I'm being punished for having to leave my home and go with the one person who betrayed our entire family. All because and Ex decided he wasn't done with me. It hurts, and I feel like it's my fault. None of my family anywhere wants me, and im just trying my best. Is it just me? I used to be so close with my family. My sister and I used to talk and hang out everyday. My dad and I would have lunch every week. I know they meet with each other every week, and I've voiced I would like to be included and FaceTime with them, but none of them every really reach out to me, unless my sister wants something. It feels like they now see me as some estranged family. I know them very well, and I know they can be sensitive and emotional, so it's very possible that they say to each other "she's just like her mother" behind my back, which I know is a hurtful insult to them. All I ever wanted was my family to stay together. Iv'e tried for years to heal everyone, but they are always so quick to abandon each other, and now it feels like everyone has abandoned me for loving all of my family members. My mom pushed me away, my sister doesn't answer my calls, and my dad never calls me. I feel like they hate me for having to leave.

Am I being ridiculous?

[thetherapyvoid]

Hey,

If any of you have seen The Mentalist (police drama), then you might know the term "mental palace." Everyone has different names for how they store information in their mind, if I'm not mistaken. I call mine the grid. I talked to my mom once about the grid, what it looks like, what it does and how I utilize it.

(its just a massive grid with circles surrounding the points. some circles are bigger and intersect others. The points are where I keep people and events, while the circles express their effect and capacity for other things. Its mission stamens "everything comes from somewhere and goes somewhere. I use it to log things I know about others - interests, friends, flaws, strengths and progress.)

The grid is a great way for me to maintain my interpersonal balance of people pleasing and boundary setting. While I told my mom about this, I think I might have come off manic. She did that thing where her eyes are wide, she's backing up from me, and trying to find an out or change the conversation. I was more pleading with her to try to see what I see, but she kept telling me she does not know what im talking about.

I talked about it with my Dad over texting, so I didn't really have social cues, but he told me he does not know what I'm talking about even after I drew a picture. When I talked to my sister, she seemed to understand what I was saying. I think its a generational thing.

The grid is not exclusive to just living things, it's also used to solve problems, play games, fix things - individual parts or chess pieces are on the grid points, the circles determine how things fit together and affect one another. looking for others who know what i'm talking about, I don't share it in regular conversations anymore, so I hope here we can all talk about how we use the grid in our minds.

[thetherapyvoid]

Sharing

Hey,

So I don't feel like I can share everything on my mind with therapists, friends, or family. Sometimes when I talk about what's on my mind, I tend to spiral in what im saying, and it feels like people distance themselves from me because of it. Every time I've met with my most recent therapist, I've noticed the sessions end sooner and sooner unless I push for the full time. I don't really get too upset because the sessions were free for me, but it does hurt my feelings when it happens. I feel a sense of discomfort coming from others when I get comfortable enough to just share.

When I go to therapy, I use it as a space to just talk. I've never wanted to be the person that only shares bad news with others, so therapy is an outlet. Overtime though, I was able to share more about what's going on in my mind, and I can feel people pulling away from me.

I don't like it, but a blog page can't run away from me.

[thetherapyvoid]

Introduction

To start, I have created this blog because i won't have access to therapy for a minute, and many times I don't feel like I can share everything with my therapist. I made it into a blog because maybe there is a chance someone might get something positive out of sharing my thoughts, though I don't hold out hope that people would want to read nonsensical ramblings from a random person on the internet. Most likely this will not be structured or consistent, just a space to talk into the void.