A girl lost in shadows

things about me I hide in my d2d with my likes mixed in to make things interesting (lmfao)

[thetruemireya]

Morbid Hobbies

The days I dont hang around much with my friends I read real suicide letters, watch suicide videos, listen songs about suicide, and stand on a bridge above the railroad imagining that every train driving under me was actually going run over me.

Balances out my playtime with my kittens quite nicely :D

I wanted to have kids, but it seems I won't, not biological anyhow, so I watch kids play in the yard. Innocent and free. I smile when I chat with their mothers hiding the murderous fantasies fueled by bitter envy.

I wonder, why and when I become more fascinated about death than life. Life is much more wonderful after all... ¿^_^?

[thetruemireya]

There's a hole inside me. Void that can't be filled. I suck in attention, a proof of my existence, but it's all temporary. I'm searching for a feeling, something to hold on to, but the only thing inside me besides the void is pain. Pain is all I ever feel if anything at all, whenever I'm alone that is.

I just want someone to hold me and say it's okay, that I'm good enough as I am. I just don't know if I'd even believed it..

Everything that's good has always been too good to be true. There really is nothing.

[thetruemireya]

Appears that I caught corona too

[thetruemireya]

Appears that I've caught Corona too

[thetruemireya]

I'm fairly sure my cats eat my meds while I'm asleep 😴💊🐈 they openly, without an ounce of shame in sight, try to steal or sniff whatever opiates or meth I've placed on a surface they can reach, even if the shit is there like for three seconds while I kick off my shoes or whatever 😅😐

Though, in a way I should be grateful that my cats are blatantly open about their drug cravings since it forces me to make sure that no harmful substances remain out in open within their reach. I sincerely hope that they do not learn to open drawers. Dem furballs are crazy enough as it is and I'm pretty sure that methamphetamine isn't safe for animals much smaller than me

[thetruemireya]

Sometimes I wonder if I actually do exist, like what if I was dead already and just didn't know about it. I've been on a verge of death several times and once even "died" for a short time, so there's some premise to that. Then again, if I'm sane enough to realize how crazy I am then I guess I'm alive enough to believe I might not be 🤔

.. If I got to choose I'd much rather be ghost for sure, I just don't believe I have a real say in it. Unfortunately.

[thetruemireya]

I'm tired of hitting rock bottom over and over again. Vomiting after OD'ing seeing a bleak future if any at all. Having all these chances you blew 20 years ago haunting you screaming "you coulda even tried motherfucker". The feeling that I don't deserve any better and no matter how hard I tried I can't say it's wrong..

I see the exit sign but I can't find the fucking door

[thetruemireya]

Weirdest part of having bpd is when I look back at my own posts I'm like "hmm, that person has some serious issues I wonder what's going through her mind.."

[thetruemireya]

[hellishbpd]

Having emotions is bad, but having BPD EMOTIONS is worse because literally everything is 10 times more intense.

Guilty?? EXTREME GUILT that consumes you and makes you claw and scratch at your head and scream into the night

DEPRESSION??? so sad you can’t get out of bed, crying all the time and devoid of energy

ANGRY??? Red hot rage, screaming and acting like a monster. Blood boiling heat that seethes through your flesh

Too much feeling!!

But then there’s also happiness that makes you fly over the moon and soar though serene skies. Extreme giddiness, hyperfixation, way too excited and smiley, high feeling

[thetruemireya]

The flipside of these ups is that you don't really get used to feeling of being crashed down before it hits you again, aaaand then again the highs feel so extreme each down when they spin 0 to 100 hundred as well. Which kinda is like what hellishbpd just said now that I think about it 😅🤦🏻‍♀️

Well whatever, bpd feels can be both the cruelest and the best ever at the same time

[thetruemireya]

These lovely feelings and realizations

[thetruemireya]

Moooood lol

I just love depressive art and depictions of death, suicide etc. Really eases me when I'm sick of this illness plaguing me (pun intended). I thought about migrating to a country where assisted suicide was legal but then again that'd require ton of more effort than just up and do it myself so I guess I'm stuck in this hole for the time being.. I really am trying to do something with my life and actually even enjoy it, it all just feels.. empty.

[bpd-diary-confessions]

Dear Diary #49

I am trapped in this town… so close to the knife that turned in my wound.

The love I believed was real, bares an ugly face in my drooping memory; drained of energy from sadness.

I don’t think I can stay in this place and watch those I lost, yet don’t need, succeed and carry on without me in their lives. 

I want to die, of course. I wouldn’t if they vanished into thin air.

[thetruemireya]

All too familiar feeling I was no one else knew

[thetruemireya]

Unwanted Fantasies

This will prolly trigger someone, idc, I just wanna went..

I'm lesbian, I've tried dating men but I just don't connect or fall in love with men no matter how much I like em it's all platonic love. And even hot guys don't do much for me, they just don't turn me on even if I like em esthetically. And the sex is not unpleasant at best no matter how good the guy is or how likable they are. Women just are my thing

However, when I'm feeling down and depressed I start to fantasize about being fu**ed straight, like somebody just tied me down and pulled my hair and ba**ed the lesbian out of me even if actually thinking about it disgusts me..

Like what's wrong with me? Am I just unhappy as me, is it my bpd messing me up or what.. I'm confused and hate myself each time those fantasies hit me because they remind me of all those revolting men who believe their d**ks could "convert" an actual lesbian..

[thetruemireya]

Blood calms me down

[thetruemireya]

[thetruemireya]

I stopped my yesterday's experiment short cause I got so drowsy that I fell asleep lmao. Which is actually a good thing since I've promised that I will never abandon my FP and given her current state of affairs she really needs my support and I doubt she'd be able to recover fully if I completed su**ide at this point in life (if ever)