”I have spent my live resisting the desire to end it“
-Franz Kafka

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@bpd-diary-confessions
”I have spent my live resisting the desire to end it“
-Franz Kafka
I feel like an outsider in every room I enter
BPD and/or autism
does anyone have experience in this area? i'm really struggling here :(
i need your assistance
hello :)
does anyone else deal with these things? I don't know if it's escalating to a different level, or if it's something else within... it's just really getting too overwhelming.
EMOTIONS
Depression
Incredibly sad to the point where it physically hurts, crying a lot
Suicidal ideation and wanting to die every day
Feeling helpless and at the mercy of growing old and having to put up with this forever
Hating everyone and everything so much that i can’t stand living
The glands in my throat are swollen all the time from feeling sad and crying (they hurt)
Anger/frustration
High intensity - feel like my neck and shoulders are so compact and tight with energy that I could get a headache. Sometimes it feels like my blood changes temperature and my eyes go black
Can be set off by big things
Example: relationship issues, or dealing with humans/friends
Example: dirty environments and housemates not cleaning, so i have to do everything to feel comfortable walking barefoot at home
Example: conversational tone
Can be set off by small/irrelevant things
Example 1: being in a tight environment (tight spaces where people get in the way or i myself get in the way because of the furniture), tripping over or bumping into walls or whatever
Example 2: sounds and textures
Sound examples: saliva (really gets into my brain nerves), wet shoes on floor, breathing, housemates footsteps, temperature (hot days) and internal textures (i.e. bloat), loud noises on the road, loud noises in general (not music - unless i can’t hear what customers are saying over the bands), gentle quiet noises,
Example 3: wanting to do something immediately in that moment so it’s done, but can’t because it’s relying on something else or someone else → calling someone back but they don’t answer
If i trip over my words, or feel my sentences are too long
Intense jealousy
Ends up with me hating myself and thinking i’m completely useless and void of having any real life
Makes me want to beat everyone at the game and be the best, but it’s so intense and hot that it doesn’t last because i’m immediately sad again
Incredibly low self-esteem – makes me want to stop eating all the time and when I can’t do it, I feel even worse
Elation
Doesn’t last for a long time
Very intense and tied in with anger when I can’t execute tasks at a certain time or place due to restrictions
Example 1: I feel inspired to write a song or learn a song, but can’t because I’m not at home, or when I am home, housemates are sleeping or I feel uncomfortable making sound, or my room is too small and things are in the way. → I start to feel incredibly angry and frustrated and then either push through or give up.
Related to music or creative desire usually
Fear
Men (young to old)
Being yelled at, DV
Driving and being on the road - feeling like my eyes don’t move fast enough and i’m living in a visual blur all the time - i don’t trust my brain and eyes
That i’ll be living until i’m old
Sex
Overwhelmed
When i get too stressed or too many things are happening
Too many sounds
Content/normal
Able to get on with the day, do some cleaning and laundry
Pace myself with practice and leisure
Able to be happy at work
Can function pretty nicely
</3
Someone tear my skin off me and pull me down to the end.
still here, just numb
BPD math: they said I can come "if I want" instead of "you should come" so that means they hate me and they wish I was dead.
god
please just end this fuckery
i don't have the strength anymore, nor the guts to end it
it's endless
this shit is endless... unbelieveable.
dear diary 109
i can't stand being in my skin or my home or any other place. I just want to live alone where i can do what i want and make all the noise i want without housemates being around. i can't stand it anymore, being poor
dear diary 108
i'm still here
unfortunately
.
god help me, i don't know how much longer I can stick this out
dear diary 107
i feel like i'm made of poison or something - why do i have to be a scoprio and a bpd bitch - blood should be dripping from my nails at this point
so
is lucky girl syndrome a real thing or something to hyperfixate on
i don’t think i’ll ever not be suicidal. and i don’t think that’s a bad thing.
i hope i die at my happiest. at my most complete.
i just wanna die
trapped in this skin organ suitcase
when u disassociate
your body goes numb, right?