I am lost in my mind

[hometowntourist]

BOOKS ARE MAGIC

[juansendizon]

“Be soft. Be grateful. Anything that is healing doesn’t always glow.”

— Juansen Dizon

[thingshavechanged24158001801768]

I don’t want to die by suicide but sometimes it just feels like that’s how it’s gonna end up whenever I finally crack.

I don’t feel like anyone would take me seriously because I’ve been, pejoratively, “chronically suicidal” for like ten years. But with each year it basically gets worse and worse and I’m just wondering where my threshold is when I just finally cannot take it anymore. In the span of the past year I’ve sat alone and picked up a loaded gun (I don’t regularly handle guns), just thinking how easy it would be. And that’s not the method I’d use. I’ve known exactly how I’m going to do it for a long time. Painless, peaceful, clean, and tiny chance of error. And I have several notes to my loved ones on my computer. I still can’t bear to write one to my mom. I can’t bear to think how much it would destroy her inside. I feel like that’s the only thing stopping me sometimes.

[thingshavechanged24158001801768]

Just reposting to say that I’m definitely okay, things just feel dark sometimes. For the most part, life is always great, sometimes it’s just hard to see the light.

[thingshavechanged24158001801768]

I don’t want to die by suicide but sometimes it just feels like that’s how it’s gonna end up whenever I finally crack.

I don’t feel like anyone would take me seriously because I’ve been, pejoratively, “chronically suicidal” for like ten years. But with each year it basically gets worse and worse and I’m just wondering where my threshold is when I just finally cannot take it anymore. In the span of the past year I’ve sat alone and picked up a loaded gun (I don’t regularly handle guns), just thinking how easy it would be. And that’s not the method I’d use. I’ve known exactly how I’m going to do it for a long time. Painless, peaceful, clean, and tiny chance of error. And I have several notes to my loved ones on my computer. I still can’t bear to write one to my mom. I can’t bear to think how much it would destroy her inside. I feel like that’s the only thing stopping me sometimes.

[thingshavechanged24158001801768]

Stay..

Thank you

[thingshavechanged24158001801768]

My life is so perfect and amazing and I have no complaints, I swear nothing's wrong, and yet I find myself sitting in my car in a parking lot finally crafting those suicide notes I've been meaning to for years, sobbing until I'm screaming, acting impulsively as fuck lately and banging my own body against walls until it's covered in bruises. It's like normally I'm pretty happy all of the time but when I finally know all that happy is covering up severe depression, I can't take it anymore and I can't put forth the effort to constantly force myself to be fine. I'm so exhausted. I feel like my brain is broken.

[ingridverse]

Do not punish the behaviour you want to see

I mean, it seems pretty obvious when you put it like that, right?

But how many families, when an introvert sibling or child makes an effort to socialize,  snarkily say, “So, you’ve decided to join us”?

Or when someone does something they’ve had trouble doing, say, “Why can’t you do that all the time?” (Happened to me, too often.)

Or any sentence containing the word “finally”. 

If someone makes a step, a small step, in a direction you want to encourage, encourage it. Don’t complain about how it’s not enough. Don’t bring up previous stuff. Encourage it.

Because I swear to fucking god there is nothing more soul-killing, more motivation-crushing, than struggling to succeed and finding out that success and failure are both punished.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

She was never quite ready. But she was brave. And the universe listens to brave.

Rebecca Ray (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[thingshavechanged24158001801768]

NYC is nice. I'm frozen, but happy.

[thingshavechanged24158001801768]

little talks like this with my boyfriend happen often and it just feels nice

[thingshavechanged24158001801768]

yayyyy everything in my life is going perfectly and then two hour suicidal sobbing serious crisis situation christmas breakdown

existence is pain

[thingshavechanged24158001801768]

are you okay? ❤️❤️

Always.

[thingshavechanged24158001801768]

i don't want you to die.

Thank you. I don't want to either.

[thingshavechanged24158001801768]

I hate the self harm that I’ve resorted to lately. What's next? Breaking my own fucking bones?

My whole body has ben in pain for days. My back is just as bruised along with my legs. Both elbows and wrists and arms and shoulders and hands. I hurt and it just makes me cry that I can do this kind of shit to myself. 

[thingshavechanged24158001801768]

I've called a suicide hotline twice in the past month or two.

In all my years of living with depression, I have never done that before.

I'm not even scared. But my mom has been the only one keeping me here for years. Imagining her life if I died keeps me away from pulling the trigger.

I don't talk about it with anyone except my bf only when the occasion arises.

I feel like everyone would be shocked if they understood how much I think about taking my own life.

I'm safe and I won't do anything.

But the thoughts just get so hard to deal with so often.

[thingshavechanged24158001801768]

I didn't cut myself, but I banged myself so hard against the walls tonight that I'm swollen on my arms from my elbows to my wrists to my knuckles. Swelled up knots, already forming bruises, can't sleep because I'm in so much god damn pain.

I'm almost 24 and my self injury is getting worse. I thought this would go away in my teens.

I literally cannot stop crying.

[thingshavechanged24158001801768]

I'm so proud of myself. Second semester of grad school and keeping up my A streak.