Baby, you're not alone.

currently watching: scandal s1 currently reading: code name verity

[this-nightisflawless-blog]

the harry potter books rated by Harry's Sass™

the sorcerer's stone: dudley asking harry if he wants to practice sticking his head down the toilet and harry replying "no thanks, the poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it - it might be sick" like ooo!!! sick burn!!! good for an 11 year old but overall still in the developmental stage. 6/10

the chamber of secrets: dudley (once again lmao get rekt) telling harry "i know what day it is" and harry replying "well done, so you've finally learned the days of the week." lockhart trying to be all Amazing Teacher™ and shit and telling harry "just do what i did, harry!" and harry saying "what, drop my wand?" overall good but not with as much of an Oomph™ factor as the sorcerer's stone. 5/10

the prisoner of azkaban: ah yes!!! Harry's Sass™ in its adolescent years!!!! no longer a toddler, now solidly about 11 years old. draco making fun of harry for fainting at the quidditch game bc of the dementors and saying "shame [the broom] doesn't come with a parachute - in case you get too near a dementor." and harry replying "pity you can't attach an extra arm to yours, malfoy. then it could catch the snitch for you." 8/10 purely because he fucking MURDERED whiny bitch ass baby malfoy ha ha take that

the goblet of fire: a good amount of sass!! a healthy amount of sass! perhaps a bit held back though (come on harry get it together). rita skeeter annoying harry and asking for a word and jk rowling LITERALLY writing "'yeah, you can have a word,' said harry savagely. 'good-bye'" like FUCK he is canon savage in this book!!!! DAMN!!!!! and then he reks malfoy AGAIN "you know that expression [your mother's got], like she's got dung under her nose? has she always looked like that, or was it just because you were with her?" MOTHERFUCK GO OFF 9/10

the order of the phoenix: HOLY GRAIL OF HARRY'S SASS™. THE MOTHERLOAD. GOD DAMN. when vernon asks him why he's listening to the news again and harry replies w/ "well, it changes every day, you see." when hermione's warning him about picking fights w/ malfoy bc malfoy will make life hard for him and harry's like "wow, i wonder what it'd be like to have a difficult life" like fuck harry!!! tell us how u really feel!!!! literally ANY TIME he talks to an adult he doesn't like. sassing dudley left & right, putting him in his place w/ "this is night, diddykins. that's what we call it when it goes all dark like this" like fuck harry brought out the big guns w/ "diddykins". overall wonderful, truly. a good healthy teenage dose of sass. 100/10

the half blood prince: SHIT DO I EVEN NEED TO SAY ANYTHING EXCEPT "THERE'S NO NEED TO CALL ME SIR, PROFESSOR" LIKE FUCK. BEST PART OF THE WHOLE BOOK. OF THE WHOLE SERIES. FUCKING OWNED SNAPE HE'S FUCKIN REKT LYING ON THE FLOOR CRYING DRINKING SOME CHEAP ASS DISGUSTING ASS FIREWHISKEY. BREAKS THE GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKING SCALE SO FAR OFF THE SCALE IT'S ON MARS. INFINITY/10. FUCK.

the deathly hallows: "it's time you learned some respect!" "it's time you earned it" sassing the minister of magic hooooooo boy. not much else bc harry's too busy like saving the world and shit. so extra points for multitasking and being an overall well rounded sass-er. 8/10

[solvskrift]

my favorite bit in harry potter is when a gangly freckled ginger child with an old pet rat and patched jeans and dirt on his nose awkwardly sits down across from a scrawny underfed lil kid with baggy clothes and broken glasses and lightning carved onto his face and they both think ‘i must protect this boy’

[lotstradamus]

so I read the entirety of Peter Pan in one sitting today and it is SO GREAT and unintentionally hilarious and really really enjoyable and I wanna gush so here’s some stuff

someone once told Captain Hook that he looks like a Stuart so he started dressing like Charles II complete with long black ringlets

ringlets… which he combs using his hook

he also uses his hook for “other homely uses.” I have no idea what, J. M. chose not to extrapolate

Hook’s great master plan to kill the Lost Boys is to BAKE THEM A CAKE and put dodgy stuff in it so they eat it and die

Wendy is like “you ain’t eating shit you found on the floor” and makes them use the cake as a missile, which Hook later falls over in the dark 

speaking of Wendy, the Lost Boys are All About Wendy when she first arrives. Peter is like never touch Wendy. build a house around her. we are her servants. she is a lady.

John is literally like “are you fucking kidding me" 

Tinker Bell is super not here for Peter’s flight of fancy shit and yells YOU SILLY ASS at him literally about ten times

Peter is kinda dumb actually 

at one point he falls asleep on Wendy Guard Duty "and some unsteady fairies had to climb over him on their way home from an orgy”

????????????????

there are non-binary fairies! girls glow white, boys glow mauve and the blue ones are “little sillies who are not sure what they are” which is… really really cute!!!

there’s a whole section where Peter and this bird are yelling at each other but Peter doesn’t speak bird and the bird doesn’t speak human and they’re mad about it

J. M. makes sure to point out that Hook “was not wholly evil; he loved flowers”

when the pirates kidnap Wendy and the Lost Boys, Hook bows to Wendy and sweeps his hat off and gives her his arm and she’s so starry-eyed about it she forgets she’s being kidnapped

the thirst is real, Wendy

Hook is scared of Smee. all the kids love Smee cos he’s little with funny glasses and thinks he’s really fearsome but. Hook is. actually. scared of Smee

at one point Peter is helping Hook up onto a rock because a) good form and b) he wants to have a proper nemesis fight, and Hook BITES PETER and Peter is fucking beside himself about it

in fact 100% of their interaction reads like Kate Beaton’s nemesis comic 

Tiger Lily is a stone cold badass. all the men in her tribe want to lock that down and she’s like “fuck no”

when Peter rescues her from Hook and Smee, rather than carrying her bridal-style back to her camp (no thx Disney) she’s just like TIGER LILY OUT and swims home, abandoning Peter to his dumb pirate fight

Peter may be slightly unhinged actually. like one paragraph early on basically says that sometimes he’d go for walks on his own and not talk about it when he came back, then the others would go out AND FIND THE BODY

like the book pretty much insinuates that when the Lost Boys start getting too old Peter takes ‘em out back and puts ‘em down

and before the big boss fight he’s picking pirates off one by one and a Lost Boy is just calmly keeping an out-loud count of how many throats Peter’s slit

and after the boss fight he literally kicks Hook overboard to where he knows the crocodile’s waiting 

that kid is fucked up, I’m just saying

the narrator loses his shit towards the end. I’m serious. one minute he’s like “I HATE MRS. DARLING SO MUCH” and the next he’s all “I love Mrs. Darling, those kids are some selfish brats though”

Mr. Darling blames himself for the childrens’ disappearance because he locked Nana outside, so he starts… living in her kennel. a taxi picks him and the kennel up every morning and takes him to work in it. he becomes famous because he lives in the kennel 

?????????????????

in conclusion, this book was great and J. M. Barrie was possibly on crack and, also, Disney what were you thinking

[dutchster]

remember when we had to get out of bed to get on the internet

[trickywalrus]

[kingjaffejoffer]

“im getting old” starter pack

“this is way too sweet”

“they’re remaking that movie already????”

“my back hurts”

“wait, people get mad about that now?”

“I can’t eat that, its gone fuck my stomach up”

“hold on let me check my calendar first”

**turns on the radio** [groans]

[thuggums]

How dare you EXPOSE me at 5:18 am on this good Monday

[drunp-archive-deactivated201711]

[burnttoastsundae]

For any high school students out there wondering what college professors are like

[tabbyaddams]

[cherik]

[fortheloveofwildlife-deactivate]

[basilhearsanoise]

you are a beautiful creature full of magic

[tinas-belcher]

weather: *drops below 70*  me: *whispers* christmas

[britomartis]

beauty and the beast but reverse, i kiss the love of my life and she turns into a sick fucking monster and it’s awesome

[daredevans-blog]

shrek

[britomartis]

never mind post cancelled 

[harrypotterfandomunite]

Ravenclaws for ya

[thirst-empress-deactivated20170]

And don’t forget the Asian guy said he shouldn’t be in the band because he thought he wasn’t “cool enough”. Jack Black didn’t miss a beat by making up a secret handshake between he and the kid.and telling him he’s amazing at what he does playing the piano. After that the Asian kid even stood up for himself against a bully.

Remember that movie in which Jack Black was a teacher and building a rock band and when a little black chubby girl asked to be a singer he only said “sure! let me hear you” and the moment she started using her beautiful voice his lit up like all of his dreams came true, PLUS the same little girl was scared that people would make fun of her because she was fat and he started listing awesome singers with some weight on and included himself and told her that people wouldn’t laugh because she is awesome at what she does and that is all that matters PLUS that it’s ok to enjoy food?

Also, when a little boy asked to be the band’s stylist he just said “sure, go ahead fancy pants” like, there wasn’t a single second of questioning it, he went into “ok, that will be your position then” right away

That fucking movie is an hour and a half of Jack Black teaching kids to love themselves disregarding all of the stereotypes

[ima-fuckingt4ble]

School of Rock is fab basically

[sspock]

[sspock]

x

[sspock]

shoutout to the people reblogging this thinking it’s a joke. he said this. it’s on the transcript.

[thatadult]

sending “I hope you get that job” vibes to the children out here tryna get jobs

[perhapsarat]

this is like the best part in HBP 

[moonemojii]

[susemoji]

I HATE THIS