I have just completed my 45th solar revolution.
It was a rough year. It was a troubling year. It was a challenging year. But by the time It ended, I began to rebuild myself.
I had been in a funk and hated a lot about myself for way too long. I hated that I wasnât in a place I needed to be professionally. I hated that I was still stuck in a position that I couldnât get out of. I hated that I couldnât convince the love of my life to come live with me down here so we could start a life and a family together, and when she died⌠I hated myself for fighting harder to make that happen.
I felt like my life had come to an end. I felt like I had nothing to live for. I felt like I didnât need to stay around. And with signs telling not to look forward to things I wanted to see and do anymore, and the country you live in continues to embrace hatred over love, greed over grace, and pain over peace, I was in a dark, dark place.
So much bad luck. Water heater leaks. Losing Âź of my clothing and a whole lot of irreplaceable items like books, comics, photos, and other things to water damage. Months later, I lost my computer, my tether to the outside world.
I felt like I was cursed.
I felt like staying in my bed because there was nothing worth getting up for. And even in that frustration on my lowest day, I started to be more reflective about some things.
I have my health. My right eye is blurry, but at least I could see color and basic shapes (but not details), but Iâm still healthy for the most part. I still have a family that still loves the hell out of me. I still have a hole in the wall where I can rest my head. I have friends. Most of them are online, but I am ever-so-grateful to have them in my life.
The more I thought about the good things in life and not focusing so much on the bad stuff, the more I realized Iâm actually okay. I wasnât cursed. I wasnât damned. I was okay. Life was fine. Not perfect, but fine.
I felt like I needed to start over and find focus in things I left behind a long time ago.
I started to write again.
I started to be more creative again.
I looked back at the things Iâve done decades ago and wondered where that guy was. Whatever happened to that guy who just loved what he was doing and created folders full of sketches and stories? I know I canât go back to what I used to be, but Iâm rediscovering that side of me I felt was long buried, and you know what?
Iâm actually enjoying this trip now. Itâs been way too long since I felt so⌠happy and unafraid? Thatâs what that feeling is. I missed it. So, today, January 21, I've turned 45, and Iâm looking forward to seeing where this next solar revolution will take me.