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@thoughts-and-hard-times
why the hell are we still on this stupid website
not straight enough for facebook & too ugly for instagram
A small collection of candids I took of my beautiful friends this year in Italy. More from me on my instagram Paolo Raeli or you can buy prints here
She continues to rule
in case you need to be reminded to be kind to yourself today.
“Yeah, okay. Well this is going to hurt like a motherf***er.”
this was simultaneously the best michael moment and the best prank on the show
18 Pictures That Prove Group Projects Are Pure Hell
This made me nearly bite a pencil in half in enraged memory.
@ THE REST OF MY ANCIENT HISTORY CLASS; Y’ALL ARE WELCOME FOR THAT FUCKIN A THE REST OF YOU DID NO GODDAMN WORK FOR
The Colbert Report 11.19.14
You see how she explained how race is a social construct (it is) while ALSO SAYING THAT RACISM EXISTS AND IS FUCKED UP? You see how she did that? Don’t mistake this for colorblindness because it clearly isn’t.
Toni Morrison breaks it down.
“i can’t do simple hygiene bc im depressed” that’s easy babe! just do simple hygiene
Y’all always have to wallow in your misery instead of considering maybe, just maybe, the encouragement people like this give is just telling people to do one, easy thing instead of worrying about a whole routine. Can’t make yourself shower? That’s fine, just brush your teeth. Don’t have the energy to do your hair? Okay, just brush your teeth.
Making 1 small change that can start improving your mood leads to other small changes. When I couldn’t make myself shower I would make sure I changed underwear every day. And then I started using baby wipes to keep myself fresh. And then I worked my way back to trying to take showers every day. My record might not be perfect but I’m getting better.
It’s really unhealthy to keep the mindset that anyone who isn’t miserable and suffering under their mental illness or emotional problems doesn’t know what they’re talking about. Maybe they’ve just grown to learn how to love and care for themselves in spite of what they’re going through.
People want to get mad at Gay Jesus for giving tips he’s probably used himself to get over depression. All people see is gays being their entertainment and forget they’re fucking human. Depression and every other kind of mental or emotional thing you can think of affects marginalized people exponentially for every level of marginalization their identity can claim. Queer people almost universally have experienced depression or anxiety because of their identity. You don’t think a gay man this flamboyant has faced shit???
He knows what he’s talking about. Don’t over simplify what he said because you want to downplay it. Overcoming step one is always the way to get through things. This is great advice.
I gotta add, he’s also giving the most useful advice.
Your teeth are one of those things that will literally cost thousands of dollars and disintegrate if not cared for. You can put off washing your face, you can put off showering, but if you stop taking care of your teeth, your ass will get kicked for it down the road.
So not only is he giving GOOD DEPRESSION ADVICE (”If you can’t handle all the things, it’s okay, just handle one thing consistently and start there”) he’s also recommending the RIGHT thing to consistently handle, so that your overall health and quality of life won’t take a nose-dive down the line.
JVN is trying to help and protect you. Listen.
night time would be so beautiful and fun if all men had a curfew
Oh my god my mind runs wild thinking of all the things I’d do in the dark if there were no men out after 9.
I would wear a pretty dress and walk
in my +seven years on tumblr, this comment above me is probably the single most profound and memorable comment i’ve seen on anything on this site
i’ve seen this post multiple times and even when i haven’t seen it for months and months it still comes to mind sometimes and it’s like a stab to the chest because of how simple and yet excruciatingly true it is
i feel like even in 40 years i am going to remember this one single comment
Eating disorders are NOT all about food and weight and body image. They are associated yes, but not exactly… I wish so desperately that people would stop blaming eating disorders on vanity, looks or insecurity. They are ever entrancing mental illnesses that often stem from an inability to communicate pain, discomfort or rejection. Eating disorders don’t just develop because you want to ‘lose a few pounds, or because you eat too much or you purge sometimes’, they develop because you are seeking a way in which to disappear, to numb, to disconnect. Recovery does not happen by fixating on this idea of loving yourself whole-heartedly, every day, 24/7; but by being able to live DESPITE not liking yourself. Living despite the obsessions and maladaptive coping mechanisms and decades of unlearning habits and behaviors. Eating disorders are the only disease in which the posion AND the cure are within the same person fighting the disease in the first place.
I Am My Own Cure (Gracie Mandel)
depression tips™
shower. not a bath, a shower. use water as hot or cold as u like. u dont even need to wash. just get in under the water and let it run over you for a while. sit on the floor if you gotta.
moisturize everything. use whatever lotion u like. unscented? dollar store lotion? fancy ass 48 hour lotion that makes u smell like a field of wildflowers? use whatever you want, and use it all over.
put on clean, comfortable clothes.
put on ur favorite underwear. cute black lacy panties? those ridiculous boxers u bought last christmas with candy cane hearts on the butt? put em on.
drink cold water. use ice. if u want, add some mint or lemon for an extra boost.
clean something. doesn’t have to be anything big. organize one drawer of ur desk. wash five dirty dishes. do a load of laundry. scrub the bathroom sink.
blast music. listen to something upbeat and dancey and loud, something that’s got lots of energy. sing to it, dance to it, even if you suck at both.
make food. don’t just grab a granola bar to munch. take the time and make food. even if it’s ramen. add something special to it, like a hard boiled egg or some veggies. prepare food, it tastes way better, and you’ll feel like you accomplished something.
make something. write a short story or a poem, draw a picture, color a picture, fold origami, crochet or knit, sculpt something out of clay, anything artistic. even if you don’t think you’re good at it.
go outside. take a walk. sit in the grass. look at the clouds. smell flowers. put your hands in the dirt and feel the soil against your skin.
call someone. call a loved one, a friend, a family member, call a chat service if you have no one else to call. talk to a stranger on the street. have a conversation and listen to someone’s voice. if you can’t, text or email or whatever, just have some social interaction with another person. even if you don’t say much, listen to them.
cuddle your pets if you have them/can cuddle them. take pictures of them. talk to them. tell them how u feel, about your favorite movie, a new game coming out.
Reblog as much as you can
Absolutely helpful. I think I’ve done three or four of these things today, makes you feel better.
I do a lot of these things to cope, very helpful post.
It’s not often you see depression tips that are actually useful on this hellsite, these are all good though. Also good things to do (depressed or not) if you’re feeling lethargic or can’t focus!
There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kinda the point? -The Office (2005-2013)
HOW TO WRITE 20 PAGES (from one girl w/mental illness 2 the rest of u, but please keep in mind all of this is just personal Stuff That Worked for me n u might be different):
first of all, and probably most importantly, make that paper about something you actually give a shit about. if you can write an essay on how long shakespeare’s dick is when you’re talking to your friends, that’s a good topic. don’t choose something u don’t care about, you will Want To Die
“okay but the only topics are ones i don’t care about” talk 2 ur teacher 99% of the time if you’re like “here’s a well-thought-out thesis can i talk about this instead” they’re like “sure lmao i just couldn’t think of other paper topics to suggest”
“they said no” cool find the one u hate the least and try to tie it into something u like. for example i really hated this stupid paper i had to write about a stupid book so i ended up writing about the food inside the book and whether or not it was a historically accurate depiction of food. turns out i fucking love talking about food. i also remade some of the old recipes and brought them in as part of the presentation of my project and people went fuckken nuts bc BREAD. basically i thought about “what motivates me? uh food” and followed that. it was a 45-page book about bread and i looked like a really good student when really i just love bread (somewhere, oprah smiles over me)
the 20-pagers are the ones you Actually Cannot Do the night before. i know we all got real fuckken cocky back in hs when we learned how to do 5 pages in one night w/out trying too hard but 1. as a teacher now i can tell u for sure that teachers do know you rushed it, we just Don’t Care bc We’re Not Paid Enough and 2. twenty pages is not the same thing. you need to actually take the time to do it. this is the actual version of “you’re not in hs anymore” DONT lie to yourself and think “it’s fine i’ll do it in one day” you will !! Regret it!!!!
“raquel. raquel. listen to me. do you actually believe i’m capable of time management. raquel i have depression i barely manage to exist.” same. but the truth is that when i started like?? actually following the rules of timelines and taking my time etc it actually really helps mental illness. you don’t feel pressured all the time by a deadline, so your anxiety chills a little bit. small progress being acceptable means that on depression days, you don’t have to worry you’re fucking it all up. when it’s 15 minutes every day (even if it’s only 1 word a day) it feels a lot better.
ask the teacher what timeline they’d recommend. they actually Know.
always ask if it’s informal or formal (if you can use “I” statements or not). informal essays can rely on personal feelings and are so much easier and trust me if you find out on the day it’s due that you could have written 12 pages about your feelings instead of 12 pages of research, you will Be Very Upset
i lie to myself all the time and move the deadline up. i write it in my agenda as at least 2 days before it’s due. surprise!!! i tricked u, self!!! you can’t procrastinate!!
agendas/planners need to be what actually works for you. i liked to prioritize w/colors + keep lists. i really love crossing things off lists. it’s like… a balm. for me, i usually say i have to finish the first 2 things, start the 3rd thing, and “touch” at least half the list. if i finish the whole list i get a prize. also i get to cross off everything which is so satisfying i’m sure it’s someone’s idea of a rush. there’s so many “how to” documents on these that i won’t get into it but frankly?? if you don’t write it down you will not remember it. “yes i will” no you won’t greg. just do it. write it down. write it where u can see it. not there, greg. greg, somewhere good. my friend is smart af and uses a post-it on her laptop. that doesn’t work for me bc i can just? use my hand to cover the anxiety? so choose somewhere good greg.
nervous system, skeleton, meat, skin. nervous system is the thesis. skeleton is quotes/data. meat is the analysis of that data. skin is the fancy transitions + beautification. meat goes on both sides of bone, and skin goes all around. nervous system has to touch everything. do what your teachers have been begging u to do since 3rd grade and start w/an outline. do this while you read/research. i usually have a starter thesis like “lady macbeth is a feminist ICON” then take the quotes i think fit. but if while you’re reading u realize u wanna talk about the use of feminine language and how shakespeare parallels daintiness w/sharpness, u still have a bunch of quotes you can use or not use. this works also w/research papers. just pull what u think is something u wanna talk about. copy-paste it but leave a link to where u got it. then put a bullet point under that says roughly why u mention it
if you just write the outline like you’re keeping notes to yourself you’d be amazed how quickly you write the essay bc we get stuck in academic language but it’s easier to translate “this is why bees are the #bomb” into a paragraph. i mean you just rewrite your notes to yourself in academic speech. “The above passage illustrates the growing necessity of pollinators such as bees in an agricultural environment.”
keep track of your sources + label them. don’t just write “(SOURCE)” instead if you’re using multiple sources use the lazygirl way which is (SA1) or whatever shorthand u have for each source. then when you need to finish your sources you go to your little source document, find the one labelled SA1 and then “Find+replace” w/the actual source.
integrate quotes so it reads w/clarity which means don’t do this but if you’re running late on it and don’t have time to look up the quote u want to fit this situation, technically you can “use any” word you want (56). so yeah “there is” a moral question about it but you “can” make up quotes (79, 90). don’t “actually” do this unless you’re seriously in a crunch. which u shouldn’t be, bc u managed ur time, right?
running late part 2 (which again would never happen bc you followed my advice and made a little time table for yourself but anyway if it does somehow magically happen) i really recommend using school computers to do your work. ur surrounded by people who will hold u accountable + u will focus
running late pt3 on the day of it being due, around 5 PM, be honest w/yourself and see where you are. if you’re like “it needs 2 more hours” okay. but if you’re like “this is……… not started” email the teacher. they’ll be so much more receptive the earlier you do this in the process. it looks like “i’m genuinely struggling and i hope to finish this on time but i’m worried i won’t” instead of “i started this at 11:58PM and am asking for an extension”. please also just… be honest?
“my teacher won’t accept late work!” they all say that, he probably will, particularly if you have a note from the school therapist being like “lmao she’s got so many mental illnesses idek how to help her”
“no he really doesn’t, he doesn’t care” you can file for disability if you have mental illness, and, in fact, you should if it’s something that often stops you from completing work on time. i didn’t bc i found that it just let me procrastinate for a longer time, but having that on file means you can go to the dean.
“no!!! raquel you’re not listening i have 2 pages and he doesn’t take late work!!!!!!!!!” okay. yeah that’s bad. but nerves, skeleton, meat, skin. what is it that you’re struggling with? is it that your can’t find any quotes to back up your thesis? impossible, tbh, you need to be more willing to purposefully misuse quotes (don’t do that). but the better option is to just change the thesis.
“i don’t even have that!!” did you. do the reading? if you even just watched the movie, you probably have an opinion on something even if it’s “this is bad.” you can use that. use why you didn’t like it to write a hate-fueled examination on how whiny the main character is and why u think the author is trying to point out how miserable cis white boys are to deal with.
“i don’t have enough sources!!!” go to wikipedia’s page about it and look @ the sources. try to like actually read some if you have time but frankly in a hurry a student (me) might be compelled to just slap the source in there.
“how the fuck do i analyze this”. u know how ppl agonize over why an actor breathed in a scene. melt into that kind of thinking. you can literally force the words to mean whatever you want. i’ve talked about word choice so specific that i based a 12-page essay on three separate uses of the words “my dear”. i talked about the possessive “my” and how it developed for like 5 of those pages. and always repeat the thesis like a million times. after every analysis you should talk about how it links to the thesis. that is like a free 3 sentences every paragraph.
“i did all that and it’s still 3 pages too short” quick ways to Beef Him Up: definitions are great in research papers + essays bc you can talk about either word choice or like the definition of every process used in getting the data. also make the conclusion hella informative (it should answer “what does this mean moving forwards” most of the time, tie it into modern life or into the past). thicken ur intro with “here’s a quote from this guy about it and what he personally felt about acid-base titrations”, use a paragraph to talk about the history of the data/book, use a paragraph to talk about the modern reception of the data/book. also look for where you can use two words instead of one even tho like grammatically don’t do that.
worst comes to worst, brevity is the soul of wit. most teachers prefer concise over rambling and all over the place. if you choose to scoot under the page limit, tho, your writing etc needs to be exceptionally clean. frankly i’ve only done this once and it was terrifying
make computer read it aloud 2 u before u submit. “raquel….. i can’t look at it anymore”. you’re not looking @ it, you’re discovering you wrote “breath” not “breathe” and u need to change it
tutoring centers exist, i worked in one, and this is how i know they actually Help and have Good Ideas
ask about extra credit and do it tbh
good luck…. breathe. and remember u are astronomically more important than a grade could ever be.
THIS IS VERY HELPFUL!
hey so protip if you have abusive parents and need to get around the house as quietly as possible, stay close to furniture and other heavy stuff because the floor is settled there and it’s less likely to creak
socks are quieter than bare feet on tile/wood and for the love of god don’t wear slippers/shoes if you can help it
climbing ON the furniture will disrupt the pattern of your footsteps and make it harder to hear where you are in the house
crawling will do the same and if you get caught crawling you can pretend you fell
the floor near the wall can be really loud if the floorboards/carpet is old and not completely flush to the wall
do NOT attempt to use a rolling chair to travel without footsteps. they are extremely loud and hard to steer
Also. Breath with your mouth and not your nose. Your nose will whistle. Trust me. If you need to get into your fridge, jab your finger into the rubber part that seals the door closed and create a tiny airway. This will prevent the suction noise when you open the door. When drinking liquids (juice mostly), pour out your glass (or chug from the jug) and replace what you drank with water. If it was full enough in the beginning, no one will notice. DO NOT STEAL ALCOHOL. THEY WILL NOTICE IF IT’S WATERED DOWN. Bring a pillowcase for dried foods like cereal and granola. It helps to muffle the sound it makes when it pours.
If your house has snack packs (like gummy bears or crackers or chips), count them every day until you know the rhythm that they get consumed. (This took me a week and a half with my twin brother and sister). Then join the rhythm when you make your nightly visits. It will be that much harder to figure out it was you.
KEEP A TRASH BAG UNDER YOUR BED FOR WRAPPERS AND STUFF BUT DONT FORGET TO THROW IT OUT WHENEVER YOU CAN. BUGS YKNOW. Hope this helped.
I might have some useful info to add.
-a jar of peanut butter is long lasting and easy to hide under a bed or in a dresser drawer. I lived off of jars of peanut butter and boxes of saltine crackers I would buy on grocery trips with my mom.
-two words: Slipper Socks. These are the socks that have rubber designs on the bottom for grip. They make no noise, and also keep you steady on slicker surfaces like tile and wood. You can find them cheap at Walmart. They also keep your feet more protected if you’re outside.
-if you’re secure enough in your room to have a small food stash, make sure you’re not too obvious about it (duh) but also move its location every few days. I kept mine in a shoebox under my bed, then switched it to a backpack in my closet, then wedged between my bookshelf and wall, and I would cycle locations until i moved it permanently to a false-bottomed drawer I installed in my dresser when my father was gone for a weekend. I would NEVER put food directly into my stash after taking it. I would keep it in pockets of my clothes and between books until everyone went to sleep, then I’d stock and stow my stash for the next few days.
-get a water bottle with a filter in it. I used to be able to reach my bathroom from my bedroom door down the hall using a huge step or minor jump/leap. If I was afraid of being caught at night, I’d fill up the humidifier tank we kept under our sink while I took a short shower, and would refill my water that way. It might not be the best option, but I kept a small stockade of water under my bed for emergencies.
-if you can, smuggle your garbage out in your backpack or purse. Dispose of it at work/school. I got caught twice by carelessly throwing away packaging.
-if someone knows the situation you’re going through (close friend/partner/etc) see if there’s a way for them to get food or other supplies to you at school or work or what private time you may get. A hidden first aid kit literally saved parts of my body before and I owe it to a close friend.
-try learning the building’s natural rhythm. The house I grew up in would creak and settle heavily every night for 3-5 minutes. That was my shot, and I had to be QUICK. I still got caught a few times, but learning the patterns in our floors and walls, when they creaked, WHERE they creaked, kept me going. Eventually I was sprinting in slipper socks to the kitchen and back in less than 90 seconds.
-if you have stairs, or live upstairs. Sit as you go down them one at a time, or climb up them like an animal. It keeps you low/out of lots of motion sight, and also can reduce noise and creaking by distributing weight over more than 1-2 steps.
-You can use common hand sanitizer to remove the stains certain snack foods leave behind (coughs cheeto fingers) and a dry toothbrush can help scrub the color off your tongue. If you can get powdered toothpaste or toothpaste tabs to keep on hand, it makes a huge difference in sneakiness.
-I don’t recommend going for dried foods like granola or cereal unless you can sneak it to a secure place to get it. It’s too loud, it’s a gamble every time for something with less caloric intake than it’s worth if you get caught. Of course, there are times when that’s the only option!!
-if you’re taking milk, add water, but be SURE to shake/agitate the bottle to distribute the dairy fat with the water. I got into the habit of shaking milk jugs when I started sneaking it, and explained the habit as something I read in an old comic strip my father showed me. (Back when whole milk had a lot more cream fats and they’d separate, so shaking it would redistribute the cream.) I still shake milk jugs to this day.
-if your windows open or don’t have screens, eat leaning out an open window. Any food mess will be lost in the dirt. I was lucky I had bushes and birds outside that would catch my granola bar crumbs before anyone could notice.
-canned goods are tempting, but not worth it. It requires too many tools (can opener/strained sometimes/utensils/some need heat) stick to thinks like various nut butters (sunflower/peanut/almond), crackers, dried fruit, and easy to conceal food bars (nature valley/nutrigrain/etc.) dried ramen packets are good uncooked if you can stand the texture. Apple sauce and pudding cups are also easier to sneak and stash than one might think, and can be eaten with your fingers. The only canned foods I recommend are condensed soups and precooked pasta (spaghetti-o’s). You can easily mix them with a little bit of hot water from the tap and get something more sustaining than a handful of captain Crunch. The cans are cheap, sometimes recyclable, and drinking soup takes way less time than chewing solid food.
-if you menstruate, attempt to stash pads/tampons in a safe location. Sometimes shit happens. Pads can work as bandages in emergency situations. Sometimes shark week comes unexpectedly. If you can sneak a roll of toilet paper or paper towels, these are also life savers.
-plastic utensils from takeout containers can be hidden inside socks and will be worth their weight in gold when you least expect it. I bought myself a tiny plastic bowl from the dollar store and kept cheap trinkets in it on my desk so it didn’t seem like a bowl I was eating out of. You could try this with something like a mason jar, which is also useful for drinking out of or storing water.
-if you’re eating a crunchy or solid food, try soaking it in water. Mushy food can be repulsive in texture, but I could clock the sound of someone eating a nature valley oat bar from like 6 miles away. Dunking it in water (or using a secret bowl+water) can reduce noise, and also eating time since you don’t have to chew as much.
-keep a laundry bar or tide pen on you. Laundry bars are super useful, a little hard to find though. I washed a lot of stains out of my clothes with laundry bars in my bathroom sink as a kid. Not proud if it, but it kept me flying under the radar at school.
-clear rubber bands, plain twine or string, paper clips, and thumb tacks. Indescribably useful. I once rigged a system to open tricky cabinets and get objects from inside using two paper clips and a foot of plain string like a mock lasso system.
-if you’re pulling objects from tall cabinets, use your chest or stomach to cushion them. Let them fall into your torso and then into your hands cradled underneath. Not as loud, not as much grabbing, if someone sees it they can mistake it for it falling on you by the body language.
-get a bandana. Or four. Napkins, bandages, tool, and accessory all in one.
-get a tiny sewing kit. I’m talking 3 needles and a spool of thread tiny. Scissors if you can sneak it. See things into your clothes. Make hidden pockets or compartments. Threadbanger on YouTube did a video a few years ago about sneaking things into music festivals using tiny clothing mods, but they may be useful in sneaking money or medicine.
-on the topic of sneaking money. don’t take bills, take change. If your abusers don’t meticulously count their nickels and pennies, they’re an easy(ish) way to build up a tiny savings pool. I found nickels the least noticed coin I took, even more than pennies, and taking two every few nights from where they’d be tossed on our countertop soon built up to a semi-reliable fund I passed off to someone to get me food for my stash without having to sneak it from the kitchen. As soon as I became “independent” in my food storage, I was subjected to much less scrutiny. I managed to build up a solid 1-2 week ration supply after hoarding change.
-you can tape SD cards to the inside of book dust covers(the part that folds inside the actual cover of the book), if you have a sewing kit or zipper on it inside the stuffing of your pillow (trim a corner, stuff it inside, stitch it closed) or (this is final resort) VERY CAREFULLY remove the covering from your outlet and tape it to the wall stud before replacing the casing. I kept mine inside part of my wooden bed frame that I hollowed out using, you guessed it, take out silverware knives and 4 nights without sleep.
-THE FLOOR IS LAVA WAS KEY TRAINING FOR ME AS A CHILD. I learned to take pillows with me, climb on furniture to disrupt my flow of movement, toss a pillow down, and use that to cushion any rattle our living room could give off as I crept to the kitchen from the side entrance so my mom’s dog wouldn’t bark or alert anyone. I highly suggest crawling around on all fours like some sort of beast to stay out of sight.
-can you run your house blindfolded?? If you can’t. Maybe you should try to learn. I suffered some heavy eye traumas growing up and had a collective 3-4 months just IN THE DARK. Eyes bandaged, left alone. It was terrible, but damn if I couldn’t navigate the whole place silently, without any visual cues. This helps a lot with the whole moving around in the dark thing, too. Listening is obviously key.
-if your parents start getting suspicious, or you’re suspicious they’re getting suspicious, watch out for traps. String on the ground that gets shifted when you walk on it. Baby powder or flour left to track footprints or doors opening/closing. My dad was partial to wrapping a bungee cord around my doorknob and attaching it to the closet across the hallway. I wouldn’t be able to open my door enough to get out, or if I did, I risked ruining the structural integrity of the wrappings he did, and he would notice.
-learn to tie some knots. Strong ones. They’ll come in handy at one point or another.
-remember that you’re not totally alone. There’s people out there for you. Wanting to make everything better. You don’t deserve what’s happening, it isn’t normal, and you will eventually find help. But staying safe is important, and you are important.
It upsets me that people might need to know these but I know it could really help someone by reblogging
ALWAYS REBLOG
Hello I'm 17 and am being kicked out of my home as soon as I'm 18 I've been trying to prepare my self for this and have estimated 7,350 dollars in my bank account I have no credit and my parents have repeatedly told me we are cutting you off and disowning me how fucked am I? Please any advice would be extremely helpful and very very appreciated
First of all- take a second to breathe. You are in a terrible situation, but you are strong and resilient and you have $7,000 in savings. You WILL get through this! Also you have more money than both my boyfriend and I put together currently, and we rent an apartment with 2 cats. You can do it!
I have a few questions for you-
1. Do you have a job?
2. Do you want to attend a university?
3. Are you opposed to living with roommates?
4. Do you have transportation?
My Parents Are Forcing Me To Move Out- What Can I Do?
I get a lot of questions about this. Here are some steps that you can take while still living in your parents house, steps that will help you work towards getting a place of your own. Stay strong! You’ll get through this.
1. Important Documents. Get as many of your important documents (social security card, birth certificate, tax forms, etc) as possible while you’re still living with your parents. You will need this information when you move out, and it may be harder for you to get these documents after you’ve moved out.
2. Get a job. If you’re still in school, limit yourself to a part-time job that can become a full-time job when you finish your education. You can’t save up money if you don’t have a job, and this will just force you to be dependent on your parents financially.
3. Get transportation. Get yourself a mode of transportation that does not rely on your parents. Biking, walking, and using public transportation are all ways that you can get where you need to be without their help. You cannot rely on any car that’s in their name (even if they call it “your” car). I’ve had multiple friends dealing with difficult parents have their cars taken away from them in an attempt to further control their lives.
4. Start saving money. Even if this just means saving $100 every two weeks, this is still a great start!
5. Separate bank account. Speaking of saving money, get yourself a bank account that your parents don’t have access to. A friend of mine tried to move out of her home and her parents literally moved all her money into their account because they had joint access. If you cannot get a separate bank account, start saving money in cash in a good hiding spot.
6. Start paying for your own devices. You do not want your parents to be able to threaten to take your phone away if they don’t like the choices you’re making. You should also change any passwords on devices that your parents may know.
7. Utilize resources that get you out of the house. There are lots of spaces that you can hang out after school for free, including public parks and libraries. Join clubs and volunteer your time if you can’t stand being home.
8. File as independent on your taxes. We’re a while away from tax season, but remember to file as independent on your taxes. This means that your parents can no longer claim you as a dependent and will no longer receive a tax break from the government for housing you. What it means for you, is that you will no longer be considered part of their tax bracket. This means you’ll have a better chance at applying for financial aid, health insurance, car insurance, etc.
9. Involve your college. If you’re looking to go to university sometime in the future but are afraid you can’t afford it, find out if your college has any programs for independent students. Many SUNY schools have what is called the EOP Program and the Independent Student Program, which will pay for your college tuition based off your independent tax status. You cannot rely entirely on FAFSA to pay for your tuition! Talk to a school counselor and find out what is offered. PS: Many of these programs are first-semester admit only, so take that into consideration.
10. Keep your housing search a secret. I hate to generalize with parenting, but if your parents are threatening to throw you out or are forcing you to move out, it’s probably not a good idea to let them know that you’re going to move out. Oddly enough, two of my friends who have been in this very same situation got ready to move out of their respective homes, only to have their parents freak out. Even if your parents are saying that they’re going to force you to move out, they may not believe that you actually can and will do it. They may try to stop you or use emotional tactics to control you and keep you home. When you do move out- do not under any circumstance tell them your address.
11. Build your support system. Tell as many trustworthy people as you can what is happening, so that they can be there to support you during this time. You’ll have places to crash in if you need to, so your parent’s house isn’t your only option. I would try to tell at least one “Adult” in your life- a teacher, a counselor, your employer, etc. Obviously you don’t want them talking to your parents, but they may be able to offer support and confidence.
12. Decide on an apartment budget. Decide what you can afford, based off of how much money you’re making. Find out if any of your friends are going to get their own place, and see if you can find a roommate. This will save you so much money and headache in the long run. If you can’t find a roommate and can’t afford an apartment, look into renting a room in a house or shared space.
13. Learn some life skills. Cooking, cleaning, sewing, basic repair, car maintenance, laundry, etc are all useful skills that you will need when you move out. Start mastering them now, and you’ll feel more confident when on your own.
14. Discount stores. Get familiar with shopping for yourself at discount stores. While shopping at the Dollar Store may not be ideal for you, I recommend that you buy all your starter groceries and household supplies there. Off-brand items will save you $$!
15. Make plans for pets. Do not leave your pets at your parent’s house. If you can’t move them into your new place, find a friend who can pet sit until you find a more comfortable situation. Do not let your parents hold your pets over your head as emotional leverage!
16. Be prepared to buy new furniture. Your parents may not allow you to take any furniture with you when you move. Be prepared to spend some money on things like mattresses, tables, cooking supplies, etc. Peruse local yard sales and bargain bins to see if you can scavenge any supplies. Hit up your friends and coworkers to see if they have any furniture/supplies they’re not using. Honestly this is how I got half of the furniture in my apartment.
17. Try to keep it positive. Throughout all of this, please remember that your parents do love you, even if they’re not expressing it in a positive way. Be above toxic behavior and any emotional bullying they may throw your way, and when you do move out try to let them know that you love them and hope they will support you. They may ignore you or refuse to talk to you for some time after you move out, and this is okay. They will eventually get to the point where they miss your contact, and you should be prepared for that opportunity to start fresh. I’ve known people whose relationship with their parents has improved 100% after they move out. Some personalities are just not meant to live together. Give them the time they need to adjust, and be proud of yourself for everything you’ve done!
I hope this helps!
This is one of the most important posts on Tumblr.
17.B Not necessarily, parents like this most often want control and think that 100% obedience is what respect is. Understand that it’s nothing YOU did. In this vein, along with getting your own bank account, password and/or have a talk with any institution that has vital info on you so your parents cannot use them to stalk you. Call your doctors and explain that HIPPA is something you take seriously and you are attempting to separate from an abusive and toxic situation (if you’re lucky they’ll want to give you resources which is always nice). Call your bank, ESPECIALLY if you live in a small town, escalate it up if you have to but explain how annoyed you’ll be if some “friend” of the family spills some beans. Talk to your college admin, hell even your high school admin. And make sure your cell phone plan is new and shiny and NOT CONNECTED to your parents.
18. Craigslist and freecycle are great places to pick up cheap but useful furniture and sundries. You may have to watch carefully for a while, but good stuff comes up. Never pick it up alone.
19. look into P.O. boxes. Again, parents like this often turn into stalkers.
20. Record all future conversations with the parents that you are forced to have. Look into local recording laws, 1 person consent means they can be turned into police and law enforcement with consequence if needed. Otherwise you can publicly shame on facebook if you really need to. “Gee Aunt Flying Monkey, the person who yelled like this (insert 5 min recording) the last time I asked for reasonable accommodation X loves me? That’s an interesting idea.”
21. DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT. Filter all their emails into a folder you don’t have to read unless you want to. Save all text messages and voice mails. Write out all incidences in a black and white composite notebook with a sewn binding. Why that type of notebook? It’s easy to tell if pages were ripped out.
22. Keep a CLOSE eye on your credit. Look, I’m not saying all parents who are asshole enough to threaten to kick you out (or to actually do it) are fucked up enough to do this shit, but better safe than sorry. I’ve read stories about parents deliberately taking out loans and credit cards in their children’s names to ruin their credit and force them back to being at least somewhat financially dependent on them again. The extra spending money is just a plus for these parents in most cases.
23. Emotional blackmail: Look their emotional health is NOT on you. Not if all you’re trying to do is live your damn life. If someone attempts to manipulate you into seeing them b/c they’ll just DIE if you don’t. Call the cops. Never take a suicide threat as anything but credible. Either they are genuinely suicidal, in which case they need REAL help, or they will learn not to put that mine out into the field.
24. See if your college/job has some free mental health services and then USE THEM. This is a terrible situation and there’s a lot of stuff you’ll need to unpack and It’s better to deal with it sooner rather than later when your undiagnosed PTSD prevents you from going to class for two weeks in a row.
25. Computers are basically a a must these days. If you’re really strapped for cash, take advantage of the way Cell Phone plans work and get the largest screened cell phone you can (think iPhone 6/7Plus or that large Samsung). Admittedly they’re a pain to carry around, but they can now double as a decent computer. Grab a cheap bluetooth keyboard and you can get most of your studying/research/paper-writing done on these things until you can save up for something separate. Apple and Google’s app store now have fully functional composition apps that work really well. Google docs will let you handle MSWORD docs in a pinch.
I need to talk about #17. Because I know OP’s heart is in the right place, but we need to complicate this issue, because sometimes that’s just not possible.
In the U.S., there is a VERY strong attitude of “Your family loves you no matter how badly they treat you, so you should forgive them because family matters the most.” And I’m telling you all right now that this is BULLSHIT.
If you move out and eventually your parents relax, respect your boundaries, and treat you better – great! Sometimes that happens, and you’re all able to move on from it, and that’s great.
But listen. Sometimes that doesn’t happen. Sometimes the relationship can’t be fixed. Sometimes parents can’t learn to respect your boundaries, sometimes parents can’t learn to respect your choices and your identity, sometimes parents can’t learn to treat you like an independent, autonomous, fully-functional human thing.
That’s on them. That’s their fault, that’s their problem, and they’re the ones who have to deal with the consequences. Not you.
It’s hard for a lot of people to imagine, but there are some parents who don’t love their kids. And there are some parents for whom “love” means “You will obey me, cater to my needs, and be an extension of myself instead of your own person – and if you don’t do these things, I will reject you.”
That is not love. You do not owe them your soul.
You have a right to a life free from hurt, and to set boundaries to protect yourself from being hurt. That may mean:
Moving out
Moving out, and only seeing your parents in a public place
Moving out, and limiting contact to only email/text/etc
Moving out, and having no contact whatsoever
Whatever steps you need to take in order to keep your life, finances, property, emotions, and self safe is GOOD. You have a right to safety. You have a right to privacy. You have a right to communication. You have a right to respect.
If they can’t or won’t acknowledge that, they don’t have the right to a relationship with you.
You are worthy of love. You can find love outside of your family, and that love is valid and good, and you can build a new family out of people who love you because of who you are as a person, not what you are to them. And that family will be even better, because it will be a safe place, where your boundaries, identity, dreams, choices and autonomy are respected, not punished. You can build that. It may be hard, and it may take time, but it is worth it.
You are worth it.
http://outofthefog.website/ has a LOT of great resources that can help you understand what is happening and strategize how you can set boundaries and keep yourself safe.
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A final note on the concept of “forgiveness,” because you’re going to be hearing that a lot. People keep using that word. It does not mean what they think it means.
Forgiveness IS NOT:
Going back
Saying “It’s okay”
Putting yourself into a bad situation
Putting up with continued awful treatment
Accepting apologies meant to manipulate you
Forgiveness IS:
Understanding that they act this way because of who THEY are, not because of who YOU are
Understanding that their treatment of you…really isn’t about you at all (even though you are the one hurt by it)
Understanding that nothing they say or do changes the fact that you deserve to be treated with love and respect
Understanding that the best thing for ALL of you is to set whatever boundaries you need in order for you to live your best, safest, most fulfilling life. Even if that means limited contact. Even if that means no-contact. Good parents want to keep you safe, even if that means keeping you safe from them.
Forgiveness is recovering from what they did to you, and moving on.