Stupid Thoughts That Wont Leave My Head

Just an account to scream my thoughts that are too loud sometimes

[thoughts-too-loud]

Nights when it's difficult to breathe I want to stop breathing all-together

[thoughts-too-loud]

Some things just sticks to your brain and refuses to leave no matter how much you try to forget them or try to convince yourself that it doesn't matter. For example, your very own mother asking you to never return home from a college trip you've been excited about for a whole month. The trip wont be happy anymore. Maybe I should consider it. At least I'll make one person in my life happy if I do it. That's something I've never experienced....making someone happy....or even being significant enough to be noticed.

[thoughts-too-loud]

Numb

I haven't cut myself in a while now but I don't know whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. Back then, I used to feel so much emotions, anger, disgust, hatred, self-hatred, pain, sadness, all of them all at once that it would be so overwhelming that I needed to let it out somehow. But now, I don't feel anything. I feel numb. I don't feel a thing. I sometimes think that I don't feel like a human at all. Is it normal for someone to not feel a thing? Sometimes I feel like I'm already dead, maybe that's why I don't feel a thing. I wonder when is my death anniversary....

[thoughts-too-loud]

I want to live with happiness but that seems impossible so I want to die peacefully.

I wonder what it feels like to be cherished by someone. I wonder what it feels like to know that your family genuinely wants you to be happy. I have never felt that. Maybe I had felt it while I was a little kid but it has been so long and I've had been through so much that I don't even remember what it felt like. All I know is the pain of knowing that I'm just a thing to be paraded around. They want me to be excellent at whatever they chose for me so that they can save their faces in front of the relatives. They don't care how beaten up I look under the mask I wear. They don't care that I don't feel any happiness as long as I don't give them a reason to be belittled. My happiness was never taken into account. My opinions are never heard. I'm just a thing that was born into this family unfortunately so I better not cause any shame to it. Even if I die it just better not be in some way that will disgrace the family. For this reason, I just hope and wish that I will peacefully pass away in my sleep. That at least in death I will not feel the pain I feel everyday. That I will not wake up to face another day of hardship. I have never believed in Gods because they are entities which are associated with hope and happiness both of which have been torn away from me. It's hard to believe in God when you suffer every day of your life. But I am ready to believe in God, to pray to God, to plead with them if they grant me my wish to peacefully pass away in my sleep.

[thoughts-too-loud]

I want to feel free

[thoughts-too-loud]

It always feels like something is pressing me down from the inside. Like I'm barely holding on. I can barely breathe. I'm sick of this feeling. Sick of always feeling strung up. I'm so tired. I just want to rest.

[1980vibes]

don’t ever beg for a friendship or relationship with anyone. if you don’t receive the same effort you give… lose that contact

[raveezus]

🌹 a rose, for everyone who’s sad today. you are loved.

[thoughts-too-loud]

Why don’t I get the strength to finally end it all even when my own parents ask me to die so that the world will become a better place......I have no friends......I am always abandoned......my parents ask me to die.......there’s no one who loves me......so what do I have to live for?? Maybe it’s time to end it......maybe at least then they’ll love me......

[thoughts-too-loud]

It’s so easy to wear the mask of cheerfulness

It has been so many years since I’ve removed the mask that I forgot who I was behind it. It’s so natural for me to wear it nowadays.....and so difficult to remove it......it’s stuck. I can’t remove it. I’ve become faceless behind it.

[thoughts-too-loud]

It doesn't hurt to know that you're not the first priority of you family or friends. It just feels empty.

[thoughts-too-loud]

Do you ever get the feeling that no one ever sees you?

[thoughts-too-loud]

I don't know how I got here....I was so hopeful when I was in high school. Even though I was cutting myself, I had a hope that once I'm in college studying the course u want I would be happy. But now here I am, studying in a college I didn't want to go to, studying a course I didn't want to study, having no true friends....I mean I'm not cutting myself but I'm definitely more lost than I was in HS.....I'm not living....I'm just existing....always hoping that time would pass by in the blink of an eye so that I can finally leave this cruel life...

[thoughts-too-loud]

I feel so helpless......I feel like everything around me is out of my hands. I feel so drained. I don't think I can keep up with my act anymore. I don't think I can act like everything is ok any more. The sad thing is, I'm sure even the one or two people around me now will leave once they see what I truly am like. I don't want to put down my mask but I have to because I don't have the energy to hold it anymore.

[thoughts-too-loud]

Sometimes I wonder why it's so hard for people to be just a little bit kinder. How hard can it be to smile at people? How hard can it be to actually listen to what someone says instead of ignoring them? How hard can it be to keep a comment to yourself when you KNOW it's going to hurt someone?

[thoughts-too-loud]

Hey there!

Sometimes the thoughts in my head gets too loud for me and just writing them in my diary isn’t helping me because I kind of want people to see them but at the same time I don’t want the people in my life to read them, so I made this account to tell you them. Sometimes they may be angry, sometimes they may sad but most of the times they will project my loneliness.

Just a diary of an INFJ’s thought.