Thru The Looking Glass

Depressed and bipolar with high functiong anxiety

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Some days are just hard. No matter how I try to control the manic side of myself, I end up failing. This week I bought a new coffee cup, which I didn't need, and then I spent almost $200 on new clothes for me and my daughter plus shoes. I should've waited until I got a whole paycheck before I chose to blow money.

It's not just shopping that I try to control, but also being incapable of figuring out what kind of relationship I want, and with who. There's a guy that I really like but once we go out he ghosts me for a couple months at a time. That's his pattern. It pisses me off. There's another one that I like but I'm unsure that he wants a relationship versus FWB. That can be easy enough to handle but my brain tends to make it a bit more complicated. I'm the type who feels too much and too strongly. I also never get that in return.

Here I am wondering if I made a mistake by asking if he still only wants FWB to which he said we could talk about today. However, he hasn't said anything so I have no idea what's going on. On the other hand, where I'm not sure if I should just see how it plays out with the other guy, I think maybe I should wait. I have the worst time trying to make up my mind.

This is part of my manic stage that my bipolar sends me into. If I knew how to control it I wouldn't live like this.

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Bleeding Heart

She pours her heart out in many ways

She texts good morning and good night

She says be careful and drive safe

She checks to see if you're alright

She gives gifts that remind her of you

She takes on responsibilities to help you succeed

She pours her heart out for you

Making sure you have all you need

She gives and gives to show how much you mean to her

Only to be placed aside as a friend

You let her pour into you all she is

And now her once full heart has been emptied

/--Courtney Elizabeth /09/03/2022

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There is hope

There have been so many bad days

Days where I get buried underneath the rubble left behind by all the anxiety that has chipped away at my safe place

Days of torment where my mind overthinks every little detail of past and current conversations

Days filled with hell from being an empath who can't decipher her own feelings from those she is taking in from others

Days upon days of being emotionally, mentally, and physically abused by those who claim to love me

All this leads to contemplating my own existence

Thoughts that try to consume any light left inside

Killing every emotion, every ounce of peace until nothing makes sense

Then there are good days

The days where someone unexpectedly shines a bit of light into my life

Days filled with genuine smiles and soulful laughter

The days of being told good morning and good night

Days of being called beautiful which hasn't happened very often

Good days which this person may not even realize he has gifted to me

The good now outweigh the bad

The darkness has retreated but is never fully gone

But there is hope where none once existed

--Courtney Elizabeth 08/28/2022

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It's a battle

The darkness is a comfort; a weighted blanket to hold me down

But peace is short-lived as company comes around

My demons come out to play, to tear at my flesh

Their tongues lashing, ridiculing everything that I am

They encircle me as they drift closer and closer ready to consume

Their mission to extinguish any light left inside; the light they fear the most

A glimmer of hope that could undo all they have done

The chance my soul cannot be won

Seeds of doubt are planted in all directions

The once peaceful darkness ignites into overthinking

Thoughts upon thoughts which haunt day and night, never resting

Slowly everything collapses, the ground gives away, I’m sinking

The demons quietly wait to collect the broken fragments of what is left of me

To their dismay I once again swim, keeping my head above water

Fighting the same battle, I’ve fought for years

I end up bruised, a little broken, and I bleed

But those demons I will always defeat.

-another original by me

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This was one of the most iconic and emotionally honest scenes I have ever watched.

I think we, as women, get labeled "whore" "slut" when we do what is in our best interests to repair the heart which was shattered by someone who promised to never cause such trauma. I feel that men tend to have it easier when they mend their hearts. They are very rarely labeled for going on multiple dates, having sex, etc.

I commend fictional character, Meredith Grey, on standing up for herself. For letting it be known that Derek broke her in more ways than one and betrayed her trust before ultimately throwing her away. She did what she needed to in order to get her feet back on the ground. She took care of herself. It may not be in a way that others would find appealing, but that's why we all have choices. I, personally, don't feel she did anything wrong. When you crave love, companionship, and conversation it's perfectly normal to get back out there and see what others have to offer. You may just find that one special person who is able to stand beside you while you put yourself back together.

I applaud this scene.

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Fucking toothache

Why does it have to be so fucking vicious?

I can handle pain but this shit is too much.

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Anyone else suffer from sleep paralysis?

Mine isn't an every night occurrence, only after I've had a particularly stressful day.

I can't move and sometimes I have trouble breathing, and it feels so real. It's terrifying. However, mine isn't like seeing a demon sitting atop me but more of a dark figure that sounds like my ex husband. He was a real monster. It's like he's come back to get me, which he always threatened to do. I'm not sure how long the paralysis lasts even though it feels like an eternity.

pic is from: https://designyoutrust.com/2019/09/the-horror-of-sleep-paralysis-hallucinations-revealed-in-46-dark-drawings/

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Chaotic, dark mosaic of thoughts

Lately my overthinking has been mixing with my anxiety while folding in some manic moments, along with a sprinkle of depression.

It's been fantastic. (Did you hear the sarcasm in that?)

My brain is chaotic, a dark mosaic of overlapping thoughts with multiple outcomes. It's a highly disorganized bakery with far too many ingredients stretched from one side of the place to the other.

Wanna take a walk through a mind that never shuts off? Can't say I blame you for saying no.

This is what I go through every single day. I can't shut it off.

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