hello sorry to bother but ive tried everything to find this fic, highschool au in which badboy phil likes to party but is really secretive about it whenever dan asks also phil gets jealous when a new guy starts flirting with dan and he calls dan drunk and tells him he loves him. i really feel like the bio was something simple like “phil likes parties and dan likes phil.” but ive tried googling and searching tags upon tags with no luck. thanks in advanced!
In which Dan pines over the two things he can’t have- contentment with his grades and Phil Lester- before he realises that both might not be as unattainable as they seem.
Or
Something you need to read if you can’t stop defining yourself by grades (like me).
Length: 3k
Ao3 link
Dan walked out of the exam room, plonked himself on the nearest bench and promptly burst into tears.
He’d screwed up. He’d screwed it all up - why did Chemistry have to be so hard? He’d studied so hard for the exam as well, and now… now what did it matter? He’d felt so prepared going into the exam, too. Dan recalled the countless number of hours he’d spent revising, crouched over his desk with nothing but his textbook and pencil case keeping him company. This just wasn’t fair.
Now he wasn’t going to get a good mark on the exam, and his GPA would go down, and - and then he wouldn’t get into a good uni. And then all the money his parents had spent on his education would be for nothing.
Dan started crying even harder at this.
His classmates walked out of the exam, most not noticing him and the few who did giving him pitying glances. Dan tried his best to ignore them. He didn’t need pity - he just needed good grades.
He curled in on himself, hugging his knees to his chest. He let seconds, minutes pass him by as he sat on the bench ruminating for nothing. He couldn’t change it now.
Dan tried to steer his mind to better things, to brownies and video games and the cute freckles that dotted the nose of his crush.
Ah, Phil Lester.
You know what a good GPA and Phil Lester have in common? I can’t have either of them, Dan thought bitterly.
And wanna know what was even better than having a crush on a straight boy? Having a crush on a straight boy who was also your best friend. Phil was in Dan’s chemistry class. And English class. And history class. Dan and Phil had been going to the same school since prep, and Dan had been smitten with Phil for approximately the same amount of time. But Phil was too out of reach - Dan doubted he even noticed Dan, let alone considered him someone he would date. Why did all the cute guys have to be straight?
Phil had dated quite a few girls at their school - Tracy Robinson in the the fourth grade, Greta Harris in the seventh, and most recently Katie Tao in the 10th. They’d broken up last summer holidays, much to Dan’s relief. Every time Phil was dating someone, Dan was dying inside. Thank god he was a good actor, or his pathetic little crush would have been revealed years ago by his jealous streak.
Spending so much time with his crush and stressing over his grades so much, Dan’s poor heart was in a perpetual state of palpitation. It wasn’t fun.
Last year, just before a history test Phil had accidentally brushed his hand over Dan’s, causing his heart to nearly jump out of his chest.
“You okay?” Phil had said, kind blue eyes looking down at him with concern.
“Y-yep!” Dan had squeaked back, his soul basically descending out of his own body. The anxiety from a test and from direct contact with his crush combined were too much for his lanky body to handle.
Phil was kind, smart, funny and had the most beautiful eyes Dan had ever seen. If only Phil felt the same. It was quite sad, really, how Phil’s touch had the ability to send Dan’s heart racing even after all these years.
This long-winded train of thoughts about his unrequited pining over his best friend had done nothing to cheer Dan up, and soon tears were pouring out of his eyes at an alarming fast rate once again.
The boy was aggressively blowing his nose into a handkerchief when he was interrupted by a voice,
“Grades don’t define you, you know?”
Dan looked up from his blowing, and felt his face flush when he saw who it was. Phil. He quickly wiped his nose and threw the tissue in the bin next to the bench, praying to every deity he didn’t believe in that the most perfect man on earth wasn’t too disgusted by him right now.
Dan was at a loss for words, and only managed to flick his eyes up at Phil’s gorgeous face before falling back into his pathetic sobs. Oh god, why was he such a mess? He buried his head into his chest, accepting that Phil wouldn’t judge him- he’d seen Dan like this far too many times to count.
“I mean it, Dan.” Phil continued, tentatively sitting down next to the sobbing boy.
“And chemistry’s a little bitch anyway, yeah? Everyone found the exam horrible. I’m sure you did better than you think.”
Dan slowly lifted his head up, using all of his courage to look at Phil.
“B-but I especially fucked up. I’m never going to get in to a good uni now.” Dan choked out, hiccuping with sobs.
“You will, Dan. You would have done fine, you studied so hard for this, I know you did. And the rest of your subjects would have been good too.”
Dan’s cries came to an abrupt stop when he felt a long arm wrap around him, pulling him closer to the body beside him.
This was too much contact for him to handle. Dan had always made sure to keep Phil at an arm’s length, literally. Phil was under the false impression that Dan disliked physical contact - well, it wasn’t entirely false. He did dislike physical contact - but only the kind that was Phil, and only because of how giddy it made him.
“I don’t like school.” Dan mumbled into the other boy’s chest.
Phil laughed, and Dan felt something warm spread inside of him. He loved that sound.
“No one does. But it’s over now.”
“It is?”
“That’s our last exam, isn’t it? Now we just have our graduation ceremony, and we’re free.” Phil said, grinning.
“I guess so.” Dan replied blandly, suddenly aware of the puffiness under his eyes. Crying in public was such a hoot, wasn’t it?
He squirmed uncomfortably as silence settled in between them. Phil’s arm had long vanished from Dan’s back, now he was playing with his long pale fingers. In fact, he looked a little nervous.
“Wanna get out of here?”
Dan nodded eagerly, ready to leave the premises of his tragic academic defeat.
“Where?”
“Nowhere in particular,” was the vague reply Dan got. Phil’s eyes were dancing mischievously.
Dan looked at Phil’s soft hand, dissatisfied with Phil’s vague answer to his question. He took it anyway.
-
“Okay, open your eyes.”
Phil had forced Dan to keep his eyes closed for the entire 15 minute walk to wherever the hell Phil had taken him. The whole walk over, Dan still struggled to shake the feelings of inadequacy clogging his brain. Phil had served to distract him a little back at the school, but with nothing but the sound of his own feet crunching against twigs, Dan’s brain had resorted back to its terrible rumination patterns.
His parents had paid their hard-earned money to send him to such a good school. He needed to be a lawyer. But he couldn’t be a lawyer. Not with a GPA of negative 2. Okay, maybe his GPA wouldn’t become negative 2 just because of the exam, but right now it felt like it.
Dan recalled the utter feeling of dread that had flooded his body when the examiner declared that time was up. It felt as if a stone had been thrown down his chest, squashing any feelings of hope he’d had to do well on this exam.
If that wasn’t enough, Phil for some reason had decided that the best way to keep Dan from seeing where they were going was to cover his eyes with his hands!!! Was he trying to kill Dan? His whole face had turned bright red from the contact- he hoped Phil hadn’t noticed.
“Dan, are you crying again?” Phil asked. Phil’s hands were tightly covering Dan’s eyes, but he was sure Phil was frowning.
“N-no.” Dan replied, fully aware that Phil would see through the lie.
“Then why can I feel your tears on my hands?”
“It’s sweat.”
“Yes. Sweat from your eyes. Aka tears.” Phil took his hands off Dan’s eyes and wiped away the stray tears that had fallen.
“You are more than your grades, Dan.”
“It doesn’t feel like it.” Dan sniffed, keeping his eyes shut tight to hide from Phil the next wave of tears threatening to fall.
“Open your eyes.”
Dan gasped at the sight before him. Monkey bars he’d spent hours upon hours, climbing, falling off stood tall and proud. The slide he’d burnt his ass on multiple times was there, its presence reminding him of better days. And best of all, the merry-go-round he’d first met Phil at was there, where it had always been.
“Are we even allowed to be here?”
“Probably not. But school’s out, there are no kids here. We won’t be arrested, I promise.
Follow me!” Phil grinned his award winning smile, and who was Dan to say no to that?
Dan followed Phil to the merry go round, and nearly fell over when Phil abruptly began spinning it.
“Now Mr. Daniel. Tell me why you think your grades define you.”
Dan rolled his eyes. They’d had this conversation a thousand times. Nothing productive ever came from it - Dan would always continue to be a perfectionist about his grades.
“Because- I’m not good at anything else. They’re all I have.”
“Well that’s just not true. For one thing, you’re hilarious.”
“Really?”
“Anyone who talks to you would know that, Dan.”
Dan blushed red at this, his stomach flipping upside down. God, he needed to get a grip. And over his best friend. And better grades.
Phil frowned at Dan’s lack of response, but remained silent and jumped onto the merry go round. It was now in full swing.
Dan willed his brain not to think about the damned chemistry exam anymore, choosing instead to focus on the boy he’d pined over for years.
Sure, Phil considered Dan his best friend, but he knew that was the extent of his feelings towards Dan. They’d grown up together and survived high school together as well (barely) - Phil probably thought of Dan as a brother! It didn’t mean anything that Phil always offered to take him out for ice cream after school, or that he was always walking to classes with him- that was purely out of friendship, as much as he wished it meant something more. Phil was straight.
After a few minutes of spinning, Dan started feeling a little nauseous, and clearly Phil felt the same because he stuck his foot out onto the ground, bringing the merry go round to an abrupt stop.
“Well I don’t know about you, but I think I’ve had enough of that for one day.” Phil groaned, clutching his stomach a little.
“Tell me about it, I feel so sick.” Dan stared woefully at his feet, head spinning with thoughts about his GPA once again.
“What do you want to do after high school?” Phil asked suddenly, turning his head towards Dan.
“Law. You know this.” He answered quickly, sighing a little.
“I think you misheard me, Dan.”
“I don’t think I did?”
“You told me what your parents want you to do after high school, not what you want to do. You say ‘law’ every time we talk about this and I haven’t pushed it, but I want to know.”
“It’s embarrassing.”
Phil gave him a look as if to say ‘I’m your best friend, you goof, nothing is embarrassing between us anymore.’
He sighed.
“Fine. Something artsy. I love theatre and writing. But it doesn’t matter. I need to do law - which is why it matters that I fucked the exam so bad. I’m hopeless.”
“No you’re not, Dan. I know it seems like it now, because we’re in the midst of all these crappy assessments and such, but there’s a life beyond this.”
Dan just shook his head.
“Okay. As morbid as it sounds, imagine you’re on your deathbed.”
“What?”
“Hear me out. You’re on the brink of death, and your whole life is flashing before your eyes. You’re thinking about your first kiss, your first best friend- me, the smile on your dad’s face and the happy tears in your mum’s eyes when you move out…”
“I don’t know where you’re going with this.”
“But you know what you’re not thinking about? Your grades. It doesn’t matter in the end what marks we get, or how much money we make, because we are humans and we can’t be defined by numbers. People don’t remember numbers. They remember how you made them feel.”
Phil looked at Dan to check he was still listening, took a deep breath and continued.
“And when it’s your time to go, you’re going to remember all these special moments in your life, and you’re going to regret beating yourself up so much just for losing a couple of marks.”
Phil’s words hit him like a ton of bricks. Why was Dan letting numbers define him? The past couple of years he’d just been stressing over his grades, crying when he’d lose one mark out of 25 on a test. What a waste of time.
Dan was brought back to grade school, where he’d cried over the A he’d gotten on his maths test. He’d wanted an A+. Phil had made Dan brownies and assured Dan that their maths teacher, Mrs Oak was a big ‘stinky poo’ for giving Dan an A when he obviously deserved an A+.
He remembered year 7 when Dan felt like the work was really getting serious, but Phil had forced him to play video games with him when he found out Dan had spent an entire week cooped up in his room, studying. He’d let Dan sleep over and made him his favourite foods, telling him how he was going to be just fine, joking that ‘year 7 was such a meme anyway, it would eventually go stale and the work wouldn’t even matter anymore’.
Dan smiled fondly at the memories, even though his chest was tight with two profound realisations- 1. He had to stop defining himself by grades for his own sanity, and 2. He’d probably never be able to fall out of love with Phil Lester. He was doomed.
“You know, school’s practically over. We’ll be free and I won’t have to see any of my exes anymore.” Phil mused, snapping Dan out of his thoughts.
He was right… how had Dan not realised- he was finishing high school! He’d never have to see any of the assholes from his school again.
“Ugh, I can’t wait.” Dan said, smiling at his friend.
“Yeah, I think I might regret some things, though.” Phil said quietly, sitting back down next to Dan. When Phil extended his arms out as he sat, for a brief moment Dan thought he was going to put his arm around him again but no, he was just stretching. He tried not to be too disappointed.
“Really? Like what?” Dan replied, intrigued.
Now it was Phil’s turn to blush, pale cheeks very obviously reddening.
“Well, I- erm. This is embarrassing.”
Dan gave him the same look Phil had given him only minutes ago, the one that said ‘I’m your best friend, you goof, nothing is embarrassing between us anymore.’
“Okay fine. I’ve had a crush on someone for years and I’ve never told them.”
“Oh my gosh, who? And wait - years? But you’ve had girlfriends during that time!” Dan asked, desperately trying to mask the jealousy in his voice. Whoever this person was who Phil liked was damn lucky.
“Yeah, about that. I kind of just, fake-dated all of them to make my crush jealous. Didn’t really work. He didn’t even seem to care.”
He? Dan’s eyes widened.
“He’s really cute, you know. He’s got these soft brown eyes that are the colour of a caramel mocha latte. And his hair looks so damn fluffy, it’s brown, just like his eyes and I’ve always wanted to touch it. I’ve just been too scared to ask.”
Phil’s voice was barely audible now, lighter than a feather. He sounded small and fragile and like the most vulnerable boy in the world. Dan just wanted to hold him and comfort him, but instead he remained silent. He was too stunned by his friend’s words to form a proper response.
“And he’s really funny, too. Not everyone notices, but he makes the funniest comments under his breath. He always has something clever to say- even if not everyone is clever enough to listen.”
Dan searched Phil’s face for any signs of humour, but all he found was the vulnerability of a wounded deer.
His breath hitched. Was this really happening? Was it possible that Phil Lester, seemingly straightest boy in the world, liked Dan back? This is what he’d only dreamt about for literal years- how was this even real life?
Brown eyes met blue and fuck, Dan was falling even harder for the boy in front of him if that was possible. Without thinking, Dan leant over and pecked Phil’s cheek, causing a blush to erupt on both boys’ faces.
Wait. Fuck.
Dan quickly pulled back.
“Were you talking about me or have I just made this really awkward?”
Phil smiled the most beautiful smile Dan had ever seen, his eyes shining with a mix of adoration and relief. He held a hand out to Dan and stood up,
“Both, if possible.”
He breathed a sigh of relief, before taking Phil’s hand in his own. He laced their fingers together contentedly, just letting himself enjoy the moment that would shape the rest of his life.
For once, he wasn’t thinking about grades, or universities, or disappointing his parents. He was just content where he was, and ecstatic about who he was with. And little did Dan know, but this would come to be one of those ‘special moments’ Phil was talking about. It would be known as the day he no longer defined himself by numbers, and even more importantly - the day his best friend became something more.
A/N: I screwed up a final assessment today and am feeling super angsty and need to get this off my chest and gosh I hope this helps other people who have issues with perfectionism and grades LMAO I HATE MY LIFE. I hope this helps people, because school honestly sucks and we do need to look at the bigger picture as hard as it is sometimes.
Summary: Dan and Phil are captains of rival soccer teams, and have hated each other for as long as Dan can remember. However, it starts to seem as if Phil is out to win more than just the game…
Length: 1.9k
Genre: Fluff, so much fluff
Ao3 link!
Dan leant forward in a lunge, stretching his leg muscles further than they’d ever stretched before. He needed to be at peak performance if his team was going to win. Dan looked to his left- his best friend and best attacker Jake was stretching too, just like he’d asked him to. Good.
“Hey Dan! Lester’s making fun of us again!” Jake exclaimed, pointing accusingly at the opposite side of the field.
Dan scowled. Phil Lester, captain of Greenwich soccer team, was the biggest asshole Dan knew. Phil was taller than Dan - only by a couple centimetres or so, but he made sure to never let Dan forget it. He had silky black hair that was obviously dyed, contrasting heavily with his extraordinarily pale complexion. But the most notable feature by far was his striking blue eyes, that Dan swore should be illegal to have.
Okay, even if he was a complete douchebag, Dan had to admit he was a good-looking one at that.
Dan looked across the field to where his friend was pointing and practically hissed when he took in the sight before him.
“I’m Daniel! I think I actually stand a chance against Phil’s team, WOO! Look at me lunge!” Phil cried, in what was probably the worst impression of Dan’s voice he’d ever heard.
He was ‘lunging’ too- if you could even call it that. His legs were stretched out in an extremely exaggerated fashion, while his tongue was sticking out of his mouth, blowing raspberries like an imbecile.
He wasn’t funny.
What he actually was, was an obnoxious, arrogant jackass. Every damn year Dan’s school had been beaten at soccer by Greenwich. It was an embarrassment really - Dan’s team was undefeated apart from that.
Dan had met Phil way too many times for his liking; the other captain seemed to love making Dan’s life a misery. As a result, Phil would often turn up to games he wasn’t even involved in, purely just to taunt and tease Dan in an attempt to psych him out.
Dan could recall one particular game against another school last season, where Phil had spent the entire bloody game staring at Dan. Just smirking. Dan had quickly decided that Phil’s silent staring was much, much worse and more distracting than any jibes he’d spat out before.
At the end of the game he’d had the audacity to wink at Dan, causing his face to flush bright red in anger. Phil had noticed this of course, and taken it in the complete opposite to what it actually meant.
“Like what you see, Daniel?” Phil had said, eyebrows raised and damned smirk still etched onto his stupid face.
“Shut up, Phil. My face is just red from the game.” Dan had spat back, face turning impossibly redder.
“Whatever you say, Daniel.”
Before he’d even thought about what he was doing, Dan was throwing the muddy ball out from under his arm at the other boy in rage. Phil had easily caught the ball in his large hands, blue eyes dancing with mischief. Then he’d licked his lips, winked once again and walked off.
Could you see why Dan hated him so much?
“You can tease all you want, Lester, but the game’s ours tonight!” Dan finally replied, rolling his eyes and sticking his tongue out at Phil.
He focused his attention back on his team and called everyone into a huddle. Dan said a few words of encouragement before going into their traditional, albeit a bit lame, pre-game chant.
“Let’s go Westwood, let’s go! Let’s go Westwood, let’s go!” Dan started. Jake joined in soon after, and eventually the whole team was chanting at the top of their lungs.
Dan finally broke the huddle, patting each of his teammates on their backs before running out to the field. They were ready.
-
This was it. Greenwich and Westwood were tied, with only thirty seconds left on the clock. The ball was being dribbled down the field by the one and only Phil Lester. It actually looked more like weird dancing the way he was doing it, obviously in a failed attempt to be funny. Phil kept looking behind him, making ridiculous faces at Dan they seemed to say ‘Look at me! I’m barely even trying and I’m still beating you!’
Well not for long, Lester, Dan thought.
Dan looked to his right - Jake subtly nodded his head in Phil’s direction, before raising his eyebrows at Dan. He knew what he had to do.
Dan sprinted full speed towards Phil, whose back was currently turned away from Dan.
“Hey Lester!” Dan hollered in a sing-song voice, easily catching Phil’s attention.
Phil turned around, and Dan swore he saw blue eyes light up for a second before they narrowed back into thin slits to match his smirk. This was just too easy.
“Come to congratulate me on my win, have you?” Phil jested, continuing to dance-dribble the ball towards the goal.
“No.” Dan smiled evilly, and in one swift movement stole the ball from between Phil’s feet and kicked it sideways into Jake’s waiting feet. Jake gave one mighty kick, and in a second the ball hit the back of Greenwich’s goal.
“But you can congratulate me on mine, if you like.”
Phil’s face went slack, his mouth gaping open like a fish. His eyes kept darting between Dan, Jake and the goal in disbelief. He could stare all he wanted. It wouldn’t change the fact that Westwood had won. For once, it was Dan’s turn to smirk.
-
They’d done it. They’d actually won. Dan couldn’t believe they hadn’t taken advantage of Phil’s cockiness earlier! Dan smiled at the memory of Phil’s shocked face when he’d realised what had happened. Served him right for being a buffoon.
“Hey man, good game again. You’re still coming to mine after, right?” Jake asked, pulling his bag over one shoulder.
“Nah man, I can’t. My mum said I’ve been going out too much and need to study.” Dan replied sorrowfully. He really wanted to go.
It was a tradition for all the teammates to celebrate their wins at someone’s house after a game, which usually ended up being Jake’s. They couldn’t let his indoor spa, plasma TV and gaming room go to waste now could they?
“Ah, that sucks. Guess you better go home before your mum cracks it then - don’t let Lester keep you back for too long. I’m sure he’ll want to let his frustrations out on you after this loss, if you know what I mean.” Jake wiggled his ginger eyebrows suggestively.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Oh come on, Phil’s into you, dude. Why do you think he’s always trying to be funny around you, or turning up at basically all our games and making those weird faces at you?”
Dan failed to form an intelligible response to this, instead choking out random syllables. Jake just shook his head and laughed while walking out, leaving Dan alone in the changeroom with thoughts.
Jake was being ridiculous, he told himself. There was no way Phil Lester, of all people, liked Dan. No way.
Dan repeated this like a mantra in his head for the next few minutes as he packed up his clothes. He was so immersed in this mantra, that he didn’t even notice the other person who’d entered the changeroom until he was walking to the door the person was leaning on.
“You know, I totally let you win out there.” Phil said carelessly, signature smirk on his lips.
Great. The last person Dan needed to see right now. What was he doing here?
“You absolutely did not. As if you’d sacrifice the win - why would you put me before you?” Dan replied, now slightly amused at the mere ludicrousness of the idea.
Phil didn’t reply for a few moments, seeming to have an internal debate in his head. If Dan didn’t know better he would have thought Phil had flicked his eyes down to Dan’s lips.
Ugh, see what Jake’s stupid comment had done to him?
Just as Dan was about to ask Phil to move out of the way so that he could go home, the boy finally responded.
“I would if I liked you.”
Dan’s eyes widened, his heart leaping into his chest before he realised this was Phil he was dealing with. As if he was being serious.
“Oh please, as if you like me. You take every opportunity you get to make fun of me.” Dan scoffed.
“Exactly.”
Dan’s brow creased in confusion.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Isn’t it obvious? I’m always trying to make you laugh, or to get your attention even if I look like a complete idiot in the process.” Phil’s voice had softened and he was averting his gaze. This was the first time Dan had seen him look anything but sure of himself which could only mean...
Oh god.
This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be. Because if it was happening, Dan would have to acknowledge that when his face went red whenever Phil winked at him, it was actually a blush and not just his face reddening in anger. Or when everytime Phil tried to be funny and Dan claimed to hate it, he was laughing inside. Or that he scanned the crowd before every soccer game he played, heart sinking on the days Phil wasn’t there and heart skipping on the days he was.
“Dan. Say something please.” Dan looked at Phil, and was taken aback at what he saw.
Phil looked so vulnerable, like a puppy at the animal shelter that had been abandoned by its owner. His striking blue eyes held a look of fear in them that Dan had never seen before, his hands were wringing together nervously, and for once there were no traces of that damned smirk on his face.
“I-I don’t know what to say.” Dan finally said, internally smacking himself for his terrible reply. Oh god, why couldn’t he just admit it?
“That’s, um - that’s okay. Just, thanks for not making fun of me, yeah? I probably deserve it after all I’ve put you through.”
Phil smiled sadly and patted Dan on the shoulder before turning to leave. Dan felt like he’d swallowed a rock. He couldn’t leave it like this.
“Wait!”
He slowly turned around, blue eyes shining with a renewed sense of hope.
“Did you really let me win?”
Phil’s face briefly flashed with a look of disappointment, before he slipped back into his jerk persona.
“Well of course, Daniel. How else would you have won against me? I’m only like, a million times better than you.”
Dan cleared his throat.
“Well then prove it. Come home with me and we can 1v1.”
“But we just had a match, Daniel. I’m tired, aren’t you?” The black-haired boy asked, confused.
“Well then we can do um, other things. Talk. Maybe. And uh- play video games. Hang out I guess.”
“Really?”
Phil’s eyes were happy again, practically radiating joy. He was smiling, a real smile- not a smirk, and in that moment Dan decided he was the most beautiful creature Dan had ever had the privilege of meeting. God, Dan was so fucking gay for him.
“Hell yeah.”
-
It wouldn’t be until a few weeks later, when Dan was playing Zelda with Phil, that he finally felt ready to admit to Phil that he liked him back. Phil had just pushed Dan onto the sofa, snogging the ever-loving-heck out of him before saying,
Summary: When superhero Dan Howell gets paired up with fellow hero and arch nemesis Phil Lester for an important mission, he’s pissed beyond belief. But as the two are forced to work together to take down the evil Dr.Bickletwist, Dan finds Phil might not be as awful as he first thought…
Previous Chapter
Ao3 link
“Mate, you’ve got to be shitting me right now.” Dan deadpanned, looking at the old man with a look that would have made any sane person wither. The man just laughed.
“I am 100% serious right now, son. This is the only boat we’ve got left. We can give it a clean before you go, if that will make you feel better.”
Dan turned his head to Phil, the withering look on his face slowly being replaced by one of mock enthusiasm. He shot finger guns at Phil purely because he knew it would make him cringe (and giggle).
“Well let’s get started then, shall we?”
-
Two hours.
It had taken them two bloody whole hours to scrub the entire canoe, stern to bow, of all residual mould, moss and… mice. Dan was bloody exhausted. He threw his lanky body onto the ground, moaning as he did so. Fisher Price simply burst into another fit of chuckles at this, not looking tired at all despite the laborious task they’d all just participated in.
Dan vaguely noticed the sound of lighter, youthful laughter and he cracked his eyes open. He didn’t even have time to react to being poked in the side before his hands were grasped by someone else’s and was gently pulled off the ground.
“Come on, Danny. There’s no time for rest when we have children to save!” The black-haired man exclaimed cheekily before plopping himself into the boat. Dan gave him one of his signature withering looks, but Phil was as unaffected as the old man was. Was Dan losing his edge?
Phil thanked Fisher for all his help, before asking him to detach the boat from the dock and to send them off on their merry way.
The boat rocked slightly as Dan rolled his long body into the canoe, cursing when his cape snagged on the dock. He stretched his legs out and realised that to sit in comfortably in this canoe, his feet would basically have to be tangled with Phil’s awkwardly. He cursed again, this time silently.
“Oh look at you two, all cuddled up! How adorable!” Fisher Price cackled, undoing the rope tethering the boat to the dock. Dan pursed his lips. Not this again.
“I’m sure you lovebirds will have a great time on your very private trip together. Snuggled up real nice on this boat.”
Two oars were thrown at them which they barely caught. They looked at each other incredulously, then Fisher.
Dan wasn’t sure if he wanted to respond, and even if he had wanted to he had no idea how to. Despite his superior social skills, it seemed Phil didn’t either.
“Aha! That’s- that’s something! Thanks again for the help, Fisher!” Phil replied, voice an octave higher than usual. If Dan hadn’t been so caught up in his own feelings of awkwardness perhaps he may have noticed the blush that was dusting Phil’s cheeks.
Dan waved goodbye and mumbled in agreement, and with that, Dan gripped his oar tightly and rowed as hard as he could. He couldn’t risk hearing another suggestive comment from the eccentric fisherman.
-
His joints ached. His legs were numb. He felt like he was going to throw up.
“You know, Phil. It would be nice if you could get your foot out of my ass.” Dan snapped, wriggling to give himself more room but only succeeding in tipping the boat in the process.
“It’s not my fault the boat’s so small!” Phil squeaked out in defence, his bottom lip stuck out.
“Well it is your fault that we’re fucking failing this mission! We should have just busked again and gotten enough money to get a plane or something. Not just taken the first crummy boat we could find!”
“That is as much my fault as it is yours. Maybe you should have mentioned this earlier , instead of being a twat about it now.”
“Oo! A naughty word from such a pure man! Did something I say touch a nerve, ‘I-think-the-sun-shines-out-of-my-ass-man’?”
Phil gritted his teeth at this and gave Dan a look that would even have wilted Fisher Price.
“Dan. Shut up.”
“Oh what, like you did six years ago? Just started fucking ignoring me for no reason? There’s a thing called communication, Phil. Maybe you should learn it sometime.”
The boat rocked and Dan found himself clutching at the sides in desperation, scared of falling out. He looked to the horizon. There was nothing to be seen.
“Well I’m sorry I actually had social capabilities greater than that of a shoe and didn’t run away from basically everyone else at the academy.”
Dan’s jaw dropped at Phil’s words. He did not just say that. Tears welled at his eyes but Dan was quick to will them away. He wouldn’t let Phil see him like this. He was fine with Phil seeing him angry, but sad- that was something much more personal. Something Phil had lost the right to see the second he broke the best friendship Dan had ever had up.
How dare he? Phil fucking knew he got extremely anxious talking to new people, a problem he’d confided in Phil about in the days they were friends. And now Phil was using it against him.
He was brought back to his first day of superschool. Dan had been young. Twelve years old only, an actual fetus. Scared of practically everyone who wasn’t his big brother, the second he’d stepped into the academy he’d been shaking like a leaf, scared of the unknown.
-
“Mason, I’m scared.” He whined, nestling his head in his older brother’s embrace.
Dan had never felt particularly close to anyone in his family. No one except Mason. His dad was rarely there, seeming to be more interested in work than his own children. His mum had died when he was a small child, and as much as he hated it, he could barely remember anything about her.
Mason had always been amused, but supportive of Dan’s obsession with superheroes. And now he was the only one sending him off to superschool. As if his dad would care.
“Hey little dude, it will be okay. I have to go now, but you’re going to be the best superhero ever. I just know it.”
“You really think so?”
“I know so.”
And with that, Mason gently pulled him out of his embrace, smiled, and left him there in the Supernova Hero Academy. He was terrified.
His morning classes had passed rather slowly. He didn’t know anyone except the Ocean Liner, and even then they’d only met once for the admission interview. His familiarity with his trainer mostly resided in the fact that he was a huge fan of him, and had been following his work for years. Not actual personal contact or anything ridiculous like that.
Come lunchtime, Dan was sitting alone. That was no surprise. He’d always thought his real superpower was the ability to maintain superhuman levels of awkwardness in nearly every social situation.
He looked up from his sandwich (toasted with his own fire power) when he saw a kid about his age, black hair and glasses come sit next to him. The boy smiled.
“Hello, my nem’s Phil.” He said, sticking a hand out for Dan to shake. He has an accent, Dan noticed.
“Oh. H-hello.” Dan stuttered, looking at the boy with wide eyes before remembering to shake his hand.
“Are you alright? I noticed you looked upset during flying class.”
To say that he’d looked upset would be an understatement. Dan had been sobbing in the corner for most of the class, the Ocean Liner having to stop the class to calm him down. Dan would have liked to think that he was upset because he was bad at flying- but no, that wasn’t it. He was upset because it had felt just like the first day of primary school, where he found himself surrounded by strangers he had no idea how to talk to.
“I’m okay.” Dan lied, but his red eyes told a different story.
Phil seemed to contemplate something for a second, frowning a bit before he replied.
“Okay, but if you ever need to talk to someone I’m here, you know.”
Dan didn’t reply, but risked a peek at the boy’s face. His eyes were a brilliant blue, a hue so striking Dan could only compare it to that of the ocean. His large, but not jarringly so, nose was lightly dusted with freckles. They were so small you’d only be able to see them up close. His dark hair contrasted starkly with his pale complexion, and Dan felt himself grow calmer the more he looked at him.
“Thanks.”
Phil grinned, his smile stretching from ear to ear. The blue eyes seemed to sparkle as he did so.
“You’re welcome. It’s Dan, right?”
-
“Fuck. You.” Dan gritted out, fists clenched so tightly around his oar he thought it would break.
Phil simply raised his eyebrows and crossed his arms, daring Dan to react, to throw a hissy fit or something of the sort.
“How dare you throw that in my face? I had no fucking friends in primary school because I was too scared to talk to anyone, and you think it’s okay to just make fun of that, you fucking prick?”
Phil’s eyes widened and he opened his mouth to say something, probably to apologise, but Dan wasn’t having any of it.
“I fucking hate you! You know, I was actually starting to think you were okay-”
“Dan-”
“Shut up! It’s time for me to talk, because according to you I haven’t done enough of that in my life! You ignorant piece of-
“DAN!”
“WHAT?”
“The boat’s on fire!” Phil said, and suddenly Dan noticed that despite the ghostly look of fear painted on Phil’s face, his complexion was red, too red- unhealthily so.
He looked to the left of Phil and his stomach dropped as he saw the bright flames of vermillion scorching the boat that seemed even more pathetic in comparison.
“Fuck! Look what you made me do!”
Dan growled, immediately extinguishing the flames he’d inadvertently caused. His face was bright crimson now, partly from anger, but mostly due to embarrassment. (Nothing to do with the fire- he was heat resistant, after all.) Phil probably thought he was even dumber than he actually was now.
He quickly checked the exterior, then the interior of the boat. Nothing seemed to be gravely burn, shockingly. He heaved a sigh of relief, before glancing sheepishly at Phil to check that he was okay. Even though he’d been an ass he didn’t want him burnt.
Phil was leaning floppily in the opposite corner of the boat, clearly out of breath from the inhalation of smoke. Dan’s stomach twisted in guilt, and as little as he wanted to talk to Phil right now he needed to make sure he was okay (for the sake of the mission, of course).
“You alright?” He said, anxiously scanning Phil’s body for any signs of injury.
“Yeah. Don’t worry.” Phil said, not looking up from the bottom of the boat. His knees were huddled to his chest and his forehead was visibly sweating. Dan frowned at this, even if Phil wasn’t physically injured he was definitely shaken up. Unfortunately for them both, Dan was in no position to comfort him. Not with the fight they’d just had.
The air was thick with tension now, and not the good, sexual kind you read about in gay fanfictions. It was the awkward, terrible kind where everyone involved knew there were things yet to be resolved, that probably were never going to be.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, Dan wondered if Phil really meant to hurt Dan like he did. If he really hated Dan as much as he seemed to for the past six years. Or maybe it was just something angrily spewed out in the heat of the moment, a stupid thing he would regret for days, weeks, or even months to come.
Dan prayed for the latter.
He saw no further point in overthinking, and tried his best to accept the fact that the person Phil was six years ago when they were actually friends was probably long gone.
He inhaled, exhaled then hesitantly turned his back from Phil. He was still mad, the fact he’d nearly burnt Phil to a crisp didn’t change that, as guilty as he felt about it. Dan picked his oar up once again, his hands now slightly blistered from how tight he’d been gripping it during the fight and continued rowing. This was going to be just super.
Summary: When superhero Dan Howell gets paired up with fellow hero and arch nemesis Phil Lester for an important mission, he’s pissed beyond belief. But as the two are forced to work together to take down the evil Dr.Bickletwist, Dan finds Phil might not be as awful as he first thought…
Previous Chapter
Ao3 link
Dan stared in horror at the objects cluttered on the shelves. Some were pink and squishy. Some had vibrating and rotating features. A few even had what looked to be spikes. Dan’s inner atheist hoped to every god he didn’t believe existed that the spikes were just a figment of his imagination. He imagined they would be an ouch and a half when inserted.
Once his jaw had finally closed after dropping from the shock of the spiky dildos, it opened itself once again when he looked beyond the sex toys and to a certain wall in the store that had hundreds - maybe even thousands - of whips, leashes and handcuffs hanging on it.
It was clear what Dan had done. He’d teleported them into a sex store.
“Oh my god. This is a sex store. We’re actually in a sex store. We’re on a mission that’s supposed to save hundreds of babies’ lives yet we’re in a sex store.” Phil’s mouth was hanging open in a similar manner to Dan’s.
Dan quickly overcame his shock and examined his companion’s face and laughed, noting how funny Phil looked with his mouth wide open and his eyes as wide as dinner plates.
He tapped Phil on the shoulder before pointing at the wall of leashes and collars.
“Wow, there must be plenty of dogs to walk in this neighbourhood.”
“Oh my god, that was terrible. Please leave.” Phil rolled his eyes in fake annoyance but Dan could easily see the traces of amusement creeping up on his face. What a bashful little man, Dan thought.
“Gladly. Let’s go.” Dan said, walking ahead of Phil and smiling cheekily. “We have kids to save.”
-
A man wearing a bright pink, skin tight bodysuit strutted past Dan and Phil. His cape was long and glittery, and matched the same extravagantly pink colour of the suit. He wore high heeled boots that reached mid thigh, also pink and glittery. The only thing that wasn’t pink was the blonde spiky wig he was wearing.
If Dan hadn’t known better, he would have mistaken him for Tyler Oakley. The getup the man was wearing was clearly an imitation of Tyler’s supersuit, and the blonde wig a very poor imitation of Tyler’s characteristic blonde hair.
What was going on?
Before Dan had any more time to think about it, Not-Tyler had strutted away, a pink flamingo costume head tucked under his arm.
Phil turned to Dan and opened his mouth to say something but was quickly interrupted by a girl wearing a costume that looked suspiciously similar to Louise’s supersuit walking towards them.
“Oh. My. Goodness. Your ‘Billowing Whisk’ and ‘Sunshine Man’ cosplays are like, the best things I’ve ever seen. Ever. DId you use prosthetic noses and coloured contact lenses as well? Cause you literally look, like, very similar to the real heroes.” The girl gushed, not taking a single breath anytime during her spiel.
“What are you talking about?” Phil asked, looking as confused as Dan felt.
“Um, you’re clearly cosplayers. Why else would you come to this convention and dress up as Whisk and Sunshine?” The girl pointed behind Dan and Phil at a large, flapping banner.
‘Welcome to Koopatown’s first official superhero convention!!!’ it read, the words painted in huge block letters.
Oh.
A superhero convention. That made sense. It explained Not-Tyler-Man and the hundreds of others now parading down the road in superhero costumes.
“Oh, yes. Uhm, that’s exactly what we are.” Phil said, looking at Dan unsurely.
“Yep! Yes. Cosplayers ‘r us. Some might say we stole the flesh of Billowing Whisk and Sunshine Man just for this amazing convention that we’re very excited to be a part of!” Dan put two thumbs up and wiggled them near the girl’s face.
The girl scrunched up her face in disgust, wrinkling her nose at Dan’s wiggling thumbs.
“You guys are weird. I’m gonna go now.” The girl said, still eyeing Dan suspiciously as she walked away, shivering slightly.
The second the girl had disappeared into the crowd Dan was slapped on the arm.
“OUCH! What was that for?” Dan whined, rubbing the place Phil had hit.
“You were being weird to a girl for no reason. She thinks we’re creeps now.” Phil had his eyes narrowed at Dan.
“So? It was funny and you knew it. That girl just couldn’t handle my wiggly-piggly thumbs. Sorry Phil, I guess you’ll just have to accept that not everyone can be as bland as you.” Dan shrugged his shoulders.
A light tinkling sound entered Dan’s ears. It was sweet, light and innocent- it was the sound of Phil giggling.
What?
Why was Phil giggling when he’d just insulted him, albeit as a joke, but still an insult. He hadn’t been the cause of this giggle in years- but oh, how’d he missed it.
“What are you laughing at Phil?” Dan asked, puzzled but pleased at Phil’s reaction.
“I-I guess you were right. It was kinda funny.” Phil smiled at Dan, his eyes crinkled in delight.
Dan wasn’t sure how to respond, he was sure that simply telling Phil his thoughts- that he’d missed being the cause of Phil’s laughter- might be a bit awkward.
“Well, I’m quite funny.” Dan settled for, his lips turned up in a half-smile.
Phil shook his head at Dan but the smile stayed.
“Now how the heck are we going to get out of here?”
-
This wasn’t exactly ideal. Dan had never been quite the singer, just the casual piano player when he was a young boy. At his best, he had a very average singing voice. At worst, he sounded like a wailing cat.
So how come Dan was where he was- standing in front of hundreds of people dressed up as his friends, about to sing a power duet with the man who’d been his enemy for years?
For the dumb children who needed their lives saved, Dan guessed. This was Phil’s self-proclaimed ‘spiffy’ plan to earn money fast. Since their full-time jobs were being superheroes which, as much as he loved it, paid him in satisfaction and respect rather than dollars. All Dan could ever need was provided for him at the superhero academy at no charge. These two things resulted in neither Dan or Phil having a single cent to their names. With their flying powers gone, they needed money to purchase some form of transport to the island, preferably a boat or a helicopter.
Dan really hoped this busking would pay well.
“Alright ladies and gentlemen, here you are about to watch me and my friend sing an original song, written by yours truly about superheroes! They do so much for us, and I think it’s time we gave them the gratitude they deserve! Who’s with me?” Phil said in his best presenter-person voice, which was admittedly quite a good one.
The crowd cheered, a few people even clapping their hands wildly. The performance hadn’t even started yet!
Dan sucked a deep breath in, not feeling ready to humiliate himself like this.
“Alright, this is ‘The superheroes are here’.” Dan said, trying to mask the dread he was feeling.
Phil started singing the first verse, eliciting hysteric cheers from the crowd. He did have a nice voice, Dan noticed. It was deep and mature, quite different to Phil’s bouncy and slightly Northern-sounding speaking voice.
Dan danced around awkwardly for the first minute or so, almost admiring how confident Phil was to be able to sing well in front of such a huge crowd of people. Dan was going to look like an idiot next to him. He braced himself as the chorus approached, thought ‘ fuck it ’ and joined in.
“ Superheroes are here. Superheroes are great. When there are lots of bickle-twists, they’ve got a lot on their plates!
“You might think that this is woeful. But they are doing fine.”
“Because life is so much more super when you spend it with the super-kind.”
Dan heard a few ‘woos’ from the crowd, and suddenly all traces of fear in his system were gone, replaced with adrenaline. He practically belted the second verse along with Phil, their voices melding together beautifully.
Before he knew it, the performance was over. Dan looked over at Phil. He looked ecstatic.
-
“$20? I thought they liked our performance!” Dan exclaimed, thumbing through the measly amount of money that had been thrown at them during the performance. He felt a little like an unpopular stripper.
“It’s okay Dan, $20 should be enough to find some form of transport- even just a small boat.”
Dan hummed thoughtfully, scratching his chin.
“I hope so. Otherwise those babies are fucked.”
Phil squawked in disgust at the mental image Dan had unintentionally implanted in his mind- Phil was ashamed to admit he’d gravely misinterpreted the word ‘fucked’ at the end of the sentence.
“Well? Where next? Do you know where to get a boat, little sun man?” Dan asked, raising his eyebrows playfully at his companion.
Phil giggled a little at this, amused at Dan’s new name for him. “Little sun man?” Phil’s eyebrows were raised.
“Got a problem with my awesome nicknaming abilities?”
“Well you nicknamed yourself ‘The Billowing Whisk’, I don’t think that supports the claim that they’re ‘awesome’.” Phil teased, poking Dan in the shoulder.
Dan simply ‘hmphed’ in indignation, but failed to fight the smile that was creeping onto his face.
“Now come on, we got a boat to sail.”
-
They’d walked for a good fifteen minutes to the docks, every so often being stopped by ‘other’ cosplayers for pictures. Dan smiled at the thought of dozens of cosplayers going home, realising days, weeks, maybe even months later that they’d unwittingly met the real Sunshine Man and Billowing Whisk.
When they finally reached the docks, Dan was more than ready to set sail and save some baby ass. Or something. (Dan really needed to watch the words he was using when talking about babies.)
Phil and him ran up to the docks, capes awkwardly flapping behind them in the wind. On their walk to the docks they’d decided that Phil would handle the conversations with the boat manager-people. Dan was far too awkward for that, and they’d probably be suspected of drug smuggling or something if Dan did the talking. It was quite a shame that in many cases, Dan’s being one of them, social skills were an abstract concept gifted by the biased hands of mother nature, rather than a tool that could be crafted by Dan’s own volition and pure desperation.
“Hello! I need a boat- can you help me?” Phil said, sticking his hand out to shake.
The old bearded man standing in front of him smiled and gripped Phil’s hand, shaking it enthusiastically.
“Why hello young man, I certainly can.I'm fisherman price, but you can just call me fisher price for short.” The man replied, his eyes briefly glancing over at Dan who was standing behind a tree a few feet over, hunched over in an attempt to make himself as invisible as possible.
The man’s smile fell for a moment before he leaned in, pointed at Dan in what was probably an attempt to be subtle, and whispered in Phil’s ear something that Dan couldn’t hear. Whatever it was, it caused Phil to turn bright red and shake his head vigorously.
“N-no!” Dan heard him protest. “He would never. We’re not even friends.”
Oh. So that’s what he thought of him. Dan guessed he shouldn’t be surprised. They’d only been on this trip for a few hours really. So what if they’d had a bit of a good banter on the walk here? It couldn’t erase the six year long feud they’d mutually perpetuated. Dan frowned a little, unsure why he cared about what Phil had said. It wasn’t a big deal.
When Dan had tuned back in, the eccentric old man was walking towards the ocean, Phil in tow.
“Dan! Come on, he’s getting us a boat!” Phil hollered, twitching his head around looking for Dan in a way that reminded Dan of a funny little meerkat.
Dan shuffled out from his ‘hiding’ place and followed suit, having to power-walk to catch up to Phil and the old man.
“Hello son.” The man said, nodding in acknowledgement at Dan and smiling. Dan smiled back, but the smile was dropped immediately when he saw what was in front of him.
A disgusting, dingy little canoe that was growing moss in every crevice imaginable was gently rocking back and forth, tethered by a frayed rope to the dock. It wasn’t exceptionally small, but it looked like a spaghetti strand in a way, looking a little too long and a little too thin to be comfortable or adequately buoyant. Dan gagged when he saw something furry scurry under the seats before quickly disappearing.
“What the hell is that?” Dan exclaimed, taking a step back and checking that Phil looked equally as disgusted as him. He was. Dan wanted to ensure that he wasn’t just imagining this, that this was a real boat he was seeing.
“That, my friend is the boat you’ll be taking on your trip.” The man replied, the grin on his face not falling.
Summary: When superhero Dan Howell gets paired up with fellow hero and arch nemesis Phil Lester for an important mission, he’s pissed beyond belief. But as the two are forced to work together to take down the evil Dr.Bickletwist, Dan finds Phil might not be as awful as he first thought…
Previous Chapter
Ao3 link
Dan knew the mission wasn’t going to be easy, but he didn’t realise how mind-numbingly difficult it was going to be to work in harmony with Phil. They’d left only 10 minutes ago yet were already fighting, mindlessly throwing insults back and forth.
“So I’m guessing flying is your only useful power, huh? I can’t see how shooting measly specks of glitter out of your hands is going to help us defeat Bickletwist.” Dan sneered, his brown hair fluttering in the wind and getting in his face. You could say that flying wasn’t Dan’s favourite activity.
Phil rolled his eyes, trying his best not to lose his cool and countered with an insult of his own.
“I’m sorry, I’m pretty sure shooting rays of sunshine out of my hands to burn enemies is more useful than your superpower of being a giant ass.”
Dan growled but then chose to remain silent. He was fighting a losing battle. Instead, he focussed his attention to Phil’s stupid, stupid cape, insulting it in his head. Seriously, it was dumb. It had a large checkered pattern of obnoxiously bright green and blue, matching Phil’s obnoxiously bright personality. Okay look, Dan couldn’t really insult it that much. Dan pretty much had the exact same cape, except his was coloured black and grey. Dan didn’t really understand why the capes were designed this way, they looked like fucking bed quilts in his opinion. For some reason, Ocean Liner had assigned Dan and Phil with matching capes on graduation day. Upon questioning, the large man had just shrugged his shoulders and muttered something that sounded like, “In due time you will figure it out.” Dan wasn’t exactly sure he wanted to figure out whatever that was supposed to mean.
Flying was something Dan really dreaded doing, but it looked like Phil felt the opposite. His admittedly silky black hair was blowing gently in the wind, sparking feelings of jealousy in Dan. His own hair would not cooperate, he swore he had swallowed at least five strands of his own hair in this flight alone. Phil’s eyes were open with wonder. Dan found it extremely jarring to say, and even admit, but it was undeniable that Phil looked like an innocent little child who’d just discovered Nickelodeon for the first time. It was a pity such a pure and innocent looking man could actually be such a dick. What had gone wrong? Seriously, Dan honestly believed they could have had a healthy, long-lasting friendship if Phil hadn’t turned into such a jerk out of nowhere. He tried to think about what went wrong but he came up blank. At age 12 when Dan and Phil were actually friends, Phil had treated Dan with nothing but kindness and respect- the opposite of what he treated him with now. The man huffed, being careful not to be too loud. He didn’t have the energy to fight with Phil anymore, at least not for today.
Dan tore his eyes away from the man next to him and glanced down at the land below them briefly. The houses in this town were quite modern. He paid particular attention to one house that had a cute little chimney sticking out. Dark grey smoke was billowing out of it, and attached was a weathervane in the shape of rooster.
Wait a second.
Why could Dan see that the weathervane was in the shape of a rooster? He was miles above the town, he was flying for fuck’s sake! The weathervane got closer, swinging around teasingly. Or was it Dan that had gotten closer?
Okay yep, it was definitely Dan that had gotten closer. He felt the wind blowing his hair up into a stupid-looking quiff. Fuck.
This fall was going to be a big one.
-
“Phil! We’re falling! We’re fucking falling, what do we do?” Dan screamed, tapping on Phil’s shoulder furiously.
The older man blinked. Once. Twice. He looked down and his face dropped. They were screwed.
“What? How did this even happen?” The black-haired man exclaimed, flapping his arms wildly in an attempt to fly again. It didn’t work.
“Fuck, I have no idea but if we’re don’t do something soon we’re going to be impaled on that pretty little weathervane.” Dan pointed down at the weathervane, which in response seemed to wink cheekily at him. Or maybe it was just glinting in the sun.
The two boys continued free falling for seconds more, precious seconds that were the short distance between death and life. Dan was an idiot- there was a surefire way out of this mess that he’d used many times when rescuing victims of supervillains. Dan let out a gurgled war cry of sorts before grabbing onto Phil’s body before enveloping both of them in a black swirl of smoke.
-
Dan opened his eyes to the sight of his lanky companion swiping furiously around his face, ushering the black smoke surrounding him away. Upon noticing the fact that was Phil was coughing heavily, Dan quickly materialised the smoke away.
“Sorry about that. It was the only way I could have saved us. Are you alright?” Dan asked, his brow creased with worry. He still hated Phil of course, but he wasn’t so much of an asshole as to want the man to choke on smoke he’d created.
Phil gave one last cough before looking at Dan wearily.
“I’ll be fine. Thanks for saving me, I guess.” The black-haired man was visibly struggling to thank his enemy for his heroic act, but Dan appreciated the sentiment nonetheless.
Dan nodded in acknowledgement before finally paying attention to his and Phil’s surroundings. Their incredibly long bodies were crammed in a tiny ‘room’ - if you could even call it that, it couldn’t have been larger than the average toilet cubicle in a restaurant - with mirrors on all four sides and a red velvet curtain acting as a door. Oh. They were in a changeroom.
Usually, when teleporting Dan had a place in mind for where he wanted to teleport to. However, there was only so far he could teleport thanks to his flawed powers and the clearest point of destination Dan had thought of during his fall was ‘somewhere soft’. He guessed this changeroom fit the description, with its soft red carpet that Phil had comfortably been able to have a coughing fit on.
“Dan. Two questions.” Phil said, voice a lot clearer than it was a few moments ago. Hopefully he’d coughed out all the residual smoke.
“Yes?”
“Okay firstly, why did you teleport us to a changeroom in a random store? Couldn’t have teleported us to, I don’t know, maybe Dr.Bickletwist’s island so we could hurry up and save those kids already?” Phil asked judgingly, glancing at his own wan complexion in the mirror in front of him, no doubt a result of his near-death experience.
Dan huffed. Trust Phil to criticise him even after he’d just saved his life.
“First of all, fuck you. Second of all, you know I can only teleport certain distances. Third of all, we don’t even know where Dr. Bickletwist’s lair is. Third of all, I didn’t have a clear destination in mind when I was teleporting us. So now we’re here. And your other question?” Dan gritted out, feeling like he was ready to end Phil’s life despite the fact he’d just saved it.
“Calm your farm, little man.” Phil tousled Dan’s hair condescendingly. Dan went to bat his hand away but it was already retracted.
Phil’s face quickly turned from playful to serious. “Anyway, what I was going to ask is do you have any idea why we were falling? I haven’t had such a severe fault in flight as this in five years! And I’m pretty sure you haven’t either! It doesn’t make sense why we couldn’t fly all of a sudden.”
Dan sat up, pushing himself up from his slouching position with the soft palms of his hands.
“I literally have no idea. But I’m worried. Something’s going on. We’ll have to check that all our other powers are still working- we know my teleportation still works at least.”
“I bet you it’s to do with Bickle. What else could explain this?” Phil replied.
“But he doesn’t even know we’re coming, does he?”
“I wouldn’t put it past him. He is Dr. Bickletwist after all. There’s a reason why The Sunshine Man and The Billowing Whisk were chosen to stop him.” Phil exhaled and bit his lip.
Dan looked at Phil inquisitively. What was that supposed to mean?
Phil noticed Dan’s confusion and continued,
“I hate to admit it but, we’re both probably the best superheroes the agency’s got.”
Dan gasped, then felt himself involuntarily break out into a dimpled smile. Had Phil Lester really just… complimented him? Non-sarcastically? He felt something warm stir inside of him at Phil’s remark, a feeling Phil hadn’t stirred in Dan in a long time. Dan did miss being friends, as hard as it was to admit.
Before Dan could respond, Phil spoke up again.
“Don’t get your cape in a twist over that, it was one compliment. Now, we better get out of here soon before someone gets suspicious. We’re already in fucking capes and wearing underwear outside on top of our pants rather than inside.”
Dan blinked, forcing himself out of his train of thought and stood up. He brushed his pants down of any lint they could have picked up from the red carpet and pushed the curtain aside, gesturing exaggeratedly for Phil to exit first. Phil shook his head amusedly and stepped out of the room.
The first thing Dan noticed when they stepped out was a curvy young woman with very obviously dyed red hair with blonde streaks sitting idly on a chair in front of the changerooms. She was chewing a piece of gum loudly, clutching the magazine she was reading titled ‘Cosmo’ with only one hand. The other hand was splayed out on the chair next to her for whatever reason. Upon closer inspection, Dan noticed the wet glint in her red nails. Ah, so she was drying them.
“Alright boys, what was going on in there? You know changerooms are meant for trying clothes only, not new sex positions. I can see why you’d think this kind of store would allow that, but even we have standards.” The woman’s voice was rough and grating, and she looked Dan and Phil up and down in a way that was highly disconcerting for both men.
Phil blushed profusely, quickly jumping in to defend the woman’s highly false assumption of Dan and Phil’s changeroom activities.
“We weren’t doing anything, I swear! We’re not even together!” Phil cried, clearly humiliated.
Was it wrong of Dan to feel a little offended? Surely he wasn’t so bad looking that Phil would be so embarrassed by the knowledge of a stranger thinking Phil and him had had sex. Okay…. Fine. Dan knew that Phil’s defensiveness was probably more of a result of the accusation of doing something so indecent in a public place. Phil was probably nowhere near as innocent as the name ‘The Sunshine Man’ suggested, but it didn’t mean he’d want to be known as a public sex fiend. Meanwhile, Dan was still a virgin- something he definitely could not let Phil find out. No doubt the man would tease him to no end about it.
The woman let out an obnoxious, hyena-esque chuckle before pointing a finger with semi-wet nail polish at Dan and Phil.
“Sure you’re not. Look at yourselves!”
Dan quickly glanced down at his own stance, and then Phil’s. They were both standing with their feet approximately half a metre apart, their arms crossed and had the same pouty expression on their faces. They quickly changed their stances and blushed, not knowing what to say.
The woman rolled her eyes at this before shooing them away.
“Now go back to the rest of the store, and maybe buy something, ya know? I need to make a living somehow. Enjoy your convention.”
What did she mean? What convention? And why didn’t the woman question why Dan and Phil were wearing ridiculous-looking superhero costumes? Dan frowned, wanting answers as he marched determinedly out of the changeroom area of the store. However, all these questions were abruptly pushed out of his mind the second he saw exactly what was in the rest of the store, replaced instead with a thought -
Why the fuck were there at least 50 dildos in this room?
Summary: When superhero Dan Howell gets paired up with fellow hero and arch nemesis Phil Lester for an important mission, he’s pissed beyond belief. But as the two are forced to work together to take down the evil Dr.Bickletwist, Dan finds Phil might not be as awful as he first thought… (Phan superhero AU)
Previous Chapter
Ao3 link
Dan was walking down the hallway with Tyler, dreading the mission ahead of him. He’d spent the whole weekend studying the papers the commander had given him and it was safe to say he was extremely well-prepared for the mission of hell with a certain black-haired man. Phil had interrupted him many times too, turning up to his and Tyler’s dorm, obviously in a panic and asking Dan about the tiniest , most insignificant details about Dr.Bickletwist. Dan was all for being well-prepared for the mission, but being enemies with Phil, it was just annoying.
The last time Phil had ‘visited’ Dan had kicked him out abruptly, slamming the door in his face seconds before hearing Phil swearing his revenge on the boy. Dan guessed it was kind of his fault for doing that, it would just serve to make the next day, or days, or weeks- however long it would take to defeat the villain- even more awkward.
“Excited for your mission, whiskorino?” Tyler chirped, in a suspiciously happy mood considering his best friend was leaving on a potentially life-threatening mission.
“No. To the nickname and your question. Of course not. Phil and I had another fight yesterday so it’s going to be even more awkward now! I literally cannot wait until this whole thing is over and Bickle is behind bars where he belongs.” Dan huffed, rolling his eyes. “Anyway, why are you in such a good mood? Aren’t you gonna miss me?” Dan asked teasingly, though secretly he was insecure about the fact that Tyler might not miss him as much as he was going to miss Tyler.
“Oh, of course I’ll miss you. I’m just really happy you’re gonna get to go on this mission of a lifetime! You’re gonna go down in history, Dan! You’ll be as well known as the Ocean Liner himself!” Tyler exclaimed, his blue eyes lighting up excitedly.
“Yeah, as if. No way someone like me could ever be as good as the commander. But I appreciate the sentiment, Tyler. I’ll try and make you proud.”
“Well I think not, but okay. And you will make me proud, as long as you try.”
The two friends walked for a couple seconds in comfortable silence, finally reaching the spot Dan was meeting Phil and the commander before Tyler stopped suddenly and grabbed Dan’s arm.
“Wait! Before you go, I have something for you. The first, is a piece of advice. Don’t let your hatred for Mr. Sunshine get in the way of the mission. There’s no way you’ll be able to do this alone, as great as I think you are. You have to work together.” Tyler said, all traces of the usual humour and jovialness gone from his face.
Dan sighed and rolled his eyes. He’d heard this a million times before, it was getting old and no one seemed to understand that Phil was well, kind of an ass.
“No, Dan. Listen to me. I don’t want you to ignore me on this, I hate being serious almost as much as you do but you need to take my advice.”
Dan looked at his friend’s face, feeling ashamed of his admittedly immature behaviour.
“Alright, fine. I’ll keep it in mind. And what’s the second thing?”
A huge grin spread across Tyler’s face, replacing the stern look that was previously occupying it. His hands twitched in excitement.
“Oh ho ho, mister Howell. You’re gonna love this.” Tyler reached into his pocket, felt around for a few seconds and extracted something small that he kept covered with his hands before bringing it to Dan’s face.
Tyler opened his hands like a clam.
“TA-DA!!!” he giggled, studying Dan’s face intently for a reaction.
Dan’s jaw nearly dropped to the floor and his eyes widened in rage or shock- he wasn’t really sure which, probably a mixture of both. Insider Tyler’s soft baby hands lay a teeny-tiny whisk on the end of a thin silver chain, shining innocently in the bright lights of the corridor.
Dan looked at Tyler with a face straighter than Tyler (and Dan’s) sexuality. He took a deep breath in to calm himself, and then breathed out. He looked at the ground, refusing to meet Tyler’s excited gaze.
“Tyler, you’re literally half a whisk joke away from me leaving your gay ass behind and getting a new best friend.”
Tyler scoffed.
“Yeah, good luck with that one, your equally-as-gay ass is as intolerable as mine. And I promise you this whisk-lace is not just for aesthetic appeal. It has a function too.”
“I’m actually bi but whatever… Tell me what the function is then, if you want me to actually keep it.”
“All I’m gonna say Danny, is that they don’t call me the Flame-ingo for nothing. And you’ll regret it if you don’t bring it with you, trust me. But only use it in an ABSOLUTE emergency, you hear me?” Tyler poked Dan’s chest sternly, smiling gleefully.
“Ugh, fuck it. I’m already going on this stupid fucking mission with Lester, could wearing this whisklace really be any worse than that? I managed to escape one shitty name from hero school, I guess the universe wasn’t kind enough to let me escape my actual hero name.” Dan sighed and took the necklace from Tyler’s hand, making sure to put it on backwards so that it would be hidden by his cape.
“Oh, you mean ‘Dani snot on fire?’ I remember that! No one even said it correctly by the third week of year eight! Who even thought of that dumb name?”
“Uhm, it may have been me…” Dan admitted sheepishly.
Tyler nearly cried out in shock and delight, but Dan quickly put a hand over his mouth to stop any sound from escaping.
He looked around before lowering his voice to a small whisper. “Look, I don’t tell a lot of people, or anyone really, this. But as you know, my lesser known power is that I’m immune to burns and fire, so I thought it would be… cool to, you know, call myself ‘Dan is not on fire’. It was an ironic thing, really, and I was twelve but it took so damn long to shake off that name. It still haunts me to this day.” Dan cringed at his old self.
“Anyway, you are never to speak of this to anyone. If anyone asks, you still have no idea who thought of that dumb-ass name.”
Tyler was red in the face, clearly trying to hold back a dramatic fit of giggles.
“Mm-hm!” he squeaked out, his voice being muffled by Dan’s hand.
“Now swear you’ll never speak of this to anyone. This is my darkest secret. I memed myself over.” Dan looked Tyler in the eyes sternly and lowered his hand off Tyler’s mouth cautiously.
“Okay, whisk-o. I won’t. But you can’t forget about the whisk. Just promise me that, okay?”
“Okay, I won’t. Thank you Tyler, for everything really. And if I don’t come back-”
“No! Don’t say that, you will!” Tyler rebuffed dramatically, not wanting to believe it.
“Tyler, it’s a possibility. If Dr.Bickletwist twists me over, just know that I appreciate everything you’ve ever done for me, despite your excessive whisk jokes. Thank you.” Dan smiled at Tyler before putting the code into the door and walking out.
“You’re welcome! Come home soon, I’m nothing without my number one whisk-a-roo!” Tyler joked, but Dan could see the tears welling in his eyes.
Dan quickly ran back to his friend, wrapping him in a hug. “This is stupid, we know I’ll be fine. I’ve been on so many missions before. I’ll come back soon, we’re being ridiculous. That bickle is no match for me.” He squeezed Tyler tighter in the hug.
“You’re right, I’m just really emotional because I think Louise’s period is coming soon and-”
Dan looked at his friend quizzically.
“You know that shouldn’t really affect your body, right? Just Louise’s.”
“O-oh. Um, I knew that.” Tyler sniffled.
“If you say so, Tyler. If you say so.”
-
It had taken Dan a good few minutes to pry the flaming homosexual off of him, causing him to be a little late for take off. The commander was not happy.
“Daniel, I hope you know this is your second strike for tardiness. When i set a time for you to leave for a mission I expect you to be there at that time, not fifteen minutes after.”
Dan shrunk into himself, embarrassed that he’d let it happen again. It wasn’t his fault though, Tyler was literally clinging to him like a limpet.
“Sorry, it won’t happen again. Tyler had a little trouble saying goodbye… he’s very attached.” Dan said sheepishly.
“Well you and your boyfriend are going to have to find a way to be apart for a couple of days if you actually care enough to defeat Dr.Bickletwist, Dan.” Phil spat out saltily, particularly enunciating the word ‘boyfriend’ with venom.
Dan narrowed his eyes at Phil for what was probably the billionth time in his existence. “He’s not my boyfriend and even if he was he’s allowed to be upset that I’m leaving for a while even if it’s not going to be that long.”
Phil opened his mouth to retort but the commander stopped him.
“Daniel, Philip, I think it’s time you two stopped acting like children and starting acting like the heroes I’ve trained you to be. We don’t have time for your childish bickering.” The commander’s voice was sharp and cold, shutting the both of them up immediately.
The commander smiled when the silence was sustained after a few seconds.
“Good. Now take these. They have everything you need in them.” The commander handed Dan and Phil identical compact purses. They did look small, but Dan knew they would probably carry fifty times the amount they looked like they should. The Ocean Liner was good at what he did.
“Don’t complain about the design. It looks great and you know it. Now off with you two.”
Dan awkwardly stuffed the purse into his pants, making it look like he had a hernia. He didn’t bother to fix it, today was already way too long and tiring.
The two men walked to the take off zone as slowly as the Ocean Liner would allow, which was not very slow at all. Dan looked down at his feet, up at his commander and finally directly at Phil. He exhaled slowly before hovering in the air. This was going to be his longest, hardest mission yet. An indefinite amount of time spent with his enemy was the last thing he wanted, or quite frankly needed at the moment, but he was going to have to do it. It would be worth it. Worth it for justice.
Summary: When superhero Dan Howell gets paired up with fellow hero and arch nemesis Phil Lester for an important mission, he’s pissed beyond belief. But as the two are forced to work together to take down the evil Dr.Bickletwist, Dan finds Phil might not be as awful as he first thought…
Previous chapter
Read it on ao3
It was the next morning when Dan finally swallowed his pride and dragged himself into the commander’s office at approximately nine am. Dan hadn’t slept a wink the night before, too busy deliberating on whether or not it was really the right decision.
Thoughts of Phil had swirled in his mind, memories dating back to their first few weeks together resurfacing. Phil had been so kind to him from day one, offering him friendship and support in a strange new place that was so different to anything he’d ever known. Dan remembered how scared he’d felt, just a little twelve year old boy with powers he didn’t understand and people he didn’t know. Phil had noticed this, and immediately had rushed to Dan’s aid, making jokes and funny comments about the other heroes training in the precinct, the stupidity of some of the exercises and even the commander himself.
Dan had really thought he’d found a lifelong best friend in Phil, but clearly he was wrong. They’d only been friends for a couple months, but Dan felt like he deserved an explanation for Phil’s sudden abandonment of him. After a month of trying to get Phil to talk to him again, Dan had taken to glaring at Phil whenever he saw him and making fun of him whenever the chance arose. Phil had been quick to reciprocate the incessant teasing that could perhaps nearly been classified as mutual bullying, and the rest was history. Maybe it was true that Dan could have handled the situation a little better, but all in all it was Phil’s fault, really for the six year long feud.
The thought that had really pushed Dan over the edge to make the final decision was that maybe, just maybe part of the old Phil was still in there somewhere, and things might be okay between the two boys again. It was wishful thinking, he knew, but Phil had been Dan’s first best friend and it really sucked that they couldn’t even be in the same room without fighting now.
Fighting with Phil was getting tiring, and if going on this trip meant it would stop, then Dan was going to do it.
Dan knocked on the door to the commander’s office, nervous to see him after the way he’d acted the day before.
“Come in.” He heard the commander’s tired voice, it was obvious he’d been up all night stressing like he normally did when missions weren’t going to plan.
The commander tensed as he saw that it was Dan walking in.
“Oh. Dan. Take a seat.” He said, sounding a little taken aback.
Dan awkwardly walked over towards the chair and sat down. It made a jarring screeching sound when he pulled it out, making both Dan and the commander cringe. There was silence for a few seconds as Dan folded his hands in his lap awkwardly.
“Care to tell me why you’re here?” The commander said, eyebrows raised.
Dan shuffled in his seat.
“I may have, had a lapse in judgement the other day.” Dan swallowed, admitting he was wrong had always been hard for him, especially to the commander.
“I was… wrong. And selfish. I should have just agreed to go on the mission with Phil, it shouldn’t matter that he sucks ba-” Dan stopped in the middle of his sentence when he noticed the disappointed look the commander was shooting him. “-isn’t the easiest person to get along with, it’s about the children and defeating Dr.Bickletwist, not about me.”
The commander looked pleased now, he was clearly fighting back a smile.
“So what are you saying, Dan?”
“I’m saying, I’ll go on the mission with Phil.” Dan sighed with relief as he finally got the words he’d been psyching himself up to say for the past twelve hours.
A huge grin broke out onto the commander’s face. He stood up from his chair, walked over to Dan and gave him a proud pat on the shoulder.
“I knew you’d come around, son.” He said, smirking to himself.
“You did?”
The commander burst into a fit of laughter that Dan certainly wasn’t expecting, supporting his crumbling weight on the back of Dan’s chair.
“No!” He managed out between chuckles. “I thought the mission was done for! You’re a stubborn little shit, Dan. You always have been.”
Dan couldn’t help but laugh back at this, and soon the two men were wiping their eyes and clutching their stomachs in the never-ending loop of laughter they’d started. By the time they’d finished laughing, Dan felt worry free, having completely forgotten the fact that he was now due to spend an entire mission with his mortal enemy. Ok well, hopefully it wouldn’t last too long, the boys would of course just fly over to his lair and hopefully take him down in a matter of hours? He hoped. It was pretty unlikely, if Dan was going to be perfectly honest, that the take down of the most nefarious villain in the world would only take a few hours.
“Oi, Ocean Liner?” Dan said, after they’d finally stopped laughing.
“Yeah?”
“When does the mission start?”
“As soon as possible, Bickletwist is stealing babies as we speak.” He said, determinedly, all traces of humour gone from his voice.
“Yeah, okay. I’m ready to leave when Phil is. Have you managed to convince him yet?” Dan replied.
“Oh, well of course. Honestly, the man is too soft for his own good. I managed to talk him into it last night, only took a short speech about the parents missing their children, heroship, and he melted like a marshmallow. It was great. ” The commander grinned proudly, crossing his arms.
“Well he’s certainly not ‘soft’ to me.” Dan grumbled to himself.
“I’m sure that will change.” The commander replied, smiling to himself before picking up a big stack of papers from his desk and plunking them in Dan’s lap.
“Now, you better get reading. The Bickle’s backstory and whereabouts aren’t going to learn themselves.”
Dan groaned, the weight of the papers on his lap feeling a thousand times heavier than they actually were. He was in for another long night.
-
Dan studied the information contained in the papers thoroughly the entire weekend leading up to the mission. It was quite disappointing as well, there was barely any information on Bickle’s life before crime. No record of parents, schools, universities- no backstory. Dan ached to know. Dan’s favourite thing about fighting villains was finding out their backstories.
Were they bullied as a child? Abusive parents? Bad luck with romantic partners? Dan wanted to know! It sounded quite silly, he guessed. Perhaps he shouldn’t be so invested in the lives of people he didn’t even really know, he just couldn’t help it. He’d been the way even as a child, even before he’d developed his powers and been initiated into the academy.
The only real family member Dan had in his life was his older brother, Mason. They hadn’t gotten along all the time but they were still brothers, and that Dan was grateful for. Mason was four years older than him, and the complete opposite of him in many ways. While Dan was awkward, Mason was charismatic. While Dan was into video games, Mason was into guitar. One of the only things they had in common was their sense of humour and love for superheroes (although looking back on it, Dan suspected Mason exaggerated the extent of his own interest in superheroes just to please his little brother).
His dad was barely home, and his mum was long gone. Could you really blame young Dan for looking to the lives of others, more specifically… superheroes? He’d been a huge fan of superheroes from a young age. In his town, superheroes were like celebrities who could escape the paparazzi, much, much easier.
Embarrassing as it was, he’d always fanboyed a little over ‘The Ocean Liner’. He’d been tall, buff, heroic- all the things Dan had aspired to be from the age of five. He was really only one of those three things now, and it was directly correlated to the fact that he was 6’3.
Of course, he’d never told the commander of his fanboyism. He’d laugh in his face, clap him on the back and proceed to tell the entire agency of his adoration. When the commander had brought Dan into the agency, it had been like a dream. Sure, he’d seen all these heroes on tv, on the front pages of newspapers but never in the flesh! By some miracle Dan had contained himself as he walked into the building with all of his idols for the first time, ensuring his secret identity as a super-fanboy was kept hidden.
Of course, Dan was (for the most part) over his fanboyism, but his voyeuristic- in a strictly non sexual way- tendencies were still very much there. It was a secret he would be taking to the grave that he would stay up on school nights with Mason, just to watch the Ocean Liner defeat another bad guy.
Dan finally plonked the papers onto his bedside table and called it a night. He slept peacefully that night, having one particular goal circling through his mind like a puppy off leash.
He was going to know the Bickle’s backstory, and he was going to know it inside out.
Summary: Giving in to pressure from his friends to take a girl, Dan uninvites his boyfriend Phil from prom. As a result, Phil ‘uninvites’ him from being his boyfriend. Watch Dan as he tries to win the love of his life back.
Popularity was a priority for Dan. Sure, basically every high school student just loved to be all high and mighty, claiming that they ‘didn’t care about popularity one bit’. But Dan Howell, one of the self-proclaimed most popular boys at Hadfield, loved popularity and wasn’t ashamed to admit it. He looked down on those who were bashful about their investment in the whole social hierarchy thing. They were just kidding themselves- it felt good to be at the top of the food chain. Who would want to be a krill when they could be a lion?
Dan’s friends shared a similar ideal. ‘Get girls. Not good grades.’ was the motto Chuck, the leader of the group encouraged his friends to live by. What Dan hadn’t confessed yet was that he didn’t really want any girls. He was already dating a boy.
It had been six months exactly since Dan had asked Phil out, and seven since they’d met for the first time.
Dan had gone to the park after school with his group and they’d been goofing around with their skateboards. Dan had been attempting a skateboard flip, but, being the amateur he was he’d landed on his bum, his skateboard flying out from under him and directly into the shins of the one and only Phil Lester.
Dan had apologised profusely, of course, helping the lanky boy off the ground then nearly falling on the ground himself. He’d been stunned by those blue eyes.
The memory of those gorgeous eyes was burned into Dan’s brain, haunting him weeks after his encounter with the boy. He’d kicked himself for not getting his number, but what was he supposed to do? He wasn’t even out to his friends yet- they knew he liked girls, they just didn’t exactly know he also liked the erm, other gender.
And so on a sunny summer day when Dan had bumped into Phil at the park once again (totally not waiting there in hopes Phil would turn up so that he could see him again) he’d worked up just enough courage to ask him to see a movie with him. Phil had been the one brave enough to call it a date, and they’d been wrapped up in each other ever since.
You see, since popularity was very important to Dan and his friends - especially Dan’s friends - and he wasn’t exactly sure how’d they react to the news that he was dating a boy. Going to an all boys private school, it was a known fact that dating a girl was something done only by ‘the popular kids’.
He needed to tell them today. Prom was coming up and he absolutely did not want them finding out on the night only. He couldn’t afford to take any risks- he’d already planned the perfect night for Phil. His stomach fluttered a little at the thought, then dropped when he was brought back to the reality of what he was about to do.
“Guys, I have a boyfriend.” He held his breath and turned away from his friends a little, not finding it in himself to make eye contact with them.
“What?!? You’re gay?” Chuck spat the apple out of his mouth rather obnoxiously, saliva landing on the table. Dan tried his best not to visibly cringe.
“No, bi, actually.” Dan corrected, wringing his hands together nervously.
“Oh. So you still like chicks?” Jacob narrowed his eyes at Dan suspiciously, all the while wiping down the saliva that had just landed on the table. He’d always been a neat freak.
“Yes.”
“Oh… so what’s the guy’s name? How’d you meet?” Mason’s eyes were wide with delight, no trace of judgement in them at all. At least he wasn’t being a total jerk. He wasn’t sure if he could say the same about the other two boys.
After Dan had filled them in with every possible detail about his now not-so-secret boyfriend (which unfortunately involved all three boys stalking Phil’s facebook profile and angry reacting to all of his past profile pictures), all three other members of his group finally seemed satisfied. And dare he say... kind of okay with it?
“So, this doesn’t change anything between us, right?”
The question Dan had been dying to know the answer to since he’d started dating Phil hung in the air for a second.
Chuck let out a loud guffaw, clutching his hard chest with his big meaty hands.
“Of course not, man! I don’t care that you like to suck dick.”
Dan breathed a sigh of relief. Things were going to be okay. He’d been stressing about nothing! However, his brief moment of relief was very rudely interrupted by another voice.
“Of course, there is the small matter of…” Jacob was looking at Chuck expectantly.
“Prom.”
Prom? How was that relevant?
“As happy as we are for you, you know you can’t take Phil to the prom, right?” Jacob continued, mirroring Chuck’s expectant facial expression. Mason, on the other hand, was biting his lip guiltily, looking down at his lap.
“Wait, why not?”
“Because. All three of us…” Chuck gestured towards Mason, Jacob and himself, “Have girlfriends and will be bringing them to the prom. You need to take a girl too. I’ve already got the perfect one for you! Her name’s Chelsea, she goes to Hadfield Girls, is hot as fuck and… that’s all you need to know!”
Dan stayed silent. What was he supposed to say to this? He hadn’t even considered this before… How had this not crossed his mind? Girls were a thing of status at his school, of course he’d be expected to bring one to the prom.
“Yeah, if we want people to respect us and actually stay at the top, you have to bring a girl. You can see Phil some other time. Sorry.” Jacob said, obviously trying to sound sympathetic but being betrayed by the smirk on his face.
What was Dan thinking? He’d have to bring a girl. He didn’t want to be known as the lame gay guy of the group, or worse- get kicked out of the group altogether. Dan sighed. As much as he wanted to take Phil to the prom, he guessed it was the right thing to do.
Phil would understand, wouldn’t he?
-
Dan Howell grabbed his boyfriend’s hands, rubbing his thumbs over the back of them as he did so.
“Hi.” His boyfriend giggled, looking into Dan’s eyes with an unmistakable look of fondness.
“I missed you.” Dan said, the tone of his voice matching the look of pure adoration in the other boy’s eyes.
“It’s been seven hours only, Dan.” Phil laughed again, but Dan knew he felt the same.
“Seven hours too long.” Dan muttered before pressing a soft kiss to his boyfriend’s nose. Phil didn’t reply, instead choosing to nuzzle his nose into Dan’s neck sweetly.
“Well. I have something to tell you.”
“Yeah?” Phil asked, blue eyes shining into Dan’s. God, how did he get so lucky?
“I came out to my friends today. They know we’re dating.”
“Oh my gosh, Dan! I’m so proud of you. How’d they react?” Phil pulled Dan into a bone-crushing hug, engulfing Dan in his warmth.
Dan wasn’t sure how to say this. Just ease into it… or tell him straight up? He settled for the latter option. He had to rip off the bandaid.
“Good- mostly. It’s just, they said we shouldn’t go to the prom together.”
“What? Why?”
Dan froze in Phil’s embrace before slowly easing himself out of it. He looked into Phil’s pained eyes but found the disappointed look in them too much to handle and focussed on the bookshelf behind him.
“They erm, thought it wouldn’t be good for our popularity as a group if I brought a boy, they’re literally totally fine with it, it’s just for this one night they want me to bring a girl. To fit in, you know?”
Phil pouted at this. “That’s ridiculous, we’ve been planning prom for ages! You told them off right?”
Dan attempted to swallow the lump that had suddenly formed in his throat.
“I didn’t exactly not, not disagree with them?”
Dan saw Phil’s brow crease in confusion as he tried to figure out what Dan meant with his (triple?) negative. He began sweating buckets when the seething look replaced the one of confusion on Phil’s face. It seemed he’d deciphered Dan’s ‘code’.
“What the hell Dan? I’m your boyfriend, you should be bringing me to your prom! I’d understand if it was because you weren’t comfortable bringing me because you’re not out yet… but to bring a stupid girl instead just for the sake of ‘popularity’?”
Phil spat the last word out like it was venom on his tongue. He’d never approved of Dan’s social climbing, and Dan guessed, given his reaction to the news, that that wouldn’t be changing anytime soon.
“Baby, please don’t be like this. It’s just one night. Popularity is important to me, you wouldn’t understand. You go to a co-ed school. We’ll have plenty of other occasions to hang out together.” Dan knew what he was saying was bullshit. He felt like he was having an out of body experience. It was almost as if his soul had separated from his body and was yelling down at him, “What the hell are you doing? You should be bringing Phil! Who cares what Chuck wants?”
If only he’d listened.
“We won’t.”
“What do you mean? We’ve got rollerblading booked next Friday, movie date tomorrow night, dinner with your parents the week after-” Dan said, confused.
“No we don’t. Not anymore.”
Dan felt his breath hitch. Surely this wasn’t-
“Phil, what are you saying?“
Phil didn’t answer, instead picking his backpack off the floor and walking purposefully to the door. He was standing outside on Dan’s porch, the front door still wide open when he finally replied.
“We’re over, Dan. You made your choice. Now I’ve made mine.” And with that, Phil closed the door behind him, so softly that it did nothing to muffle the heartbreaking sound of his sobs as he walked away.
Dan felt something that was a little like guilt, and a lot like heartbreak stir inside of him. He knew he was wrong. He’d have to be an idiot not to realise that. But when had Dan Howell ever been right? (Maybe when he’d agreed to be Phil’s boyfriend. But he guessed that didn’t matter anymore.)
-
The next two weeks were shit. School was shit, Dan’s friends were shit, Dan’s life was shit. And it was all his fault.
What was he thinking, agreeing to bring a girl to prom over his amazing boyfriend? They’d been planning the night ever since they’d gotten together. One night that would have probably been one of the best of Dan and Phil’s lives. Dan would have worn a suit with a black shirt and black tie, and Phil would have scolded him for choosing ‘bland monochrome colours’ while secretly loving it. Phil, being the nerd he was, would have chosen a seemingly-normal looking suit, but with some crazy anime tie and mismatched socks. They were going to slow dance to ‘Interrupted by Fireworks’- the song they’d had their first kiss to- and it was going to be amazing.
Fuck.
He’d screwed it up. He’d screwed it all up. For the sake of popularity and the approval of a guy he’d probably never see again after high school.
Who the hell was Chuck to tell him what to do?
Sure, they were friends. But that gave him no right to dictate who Dan could or could not take to prom. Chuck could really be an asswipe sometimes. It didn’t matter what Chuck wanted. It mattered what Dan wanted.
And what did he want? Phil. At prom. (And for the rest of his life, hopefully.)
-
It had taken three and half days for Dan to finally muster up the courage to tell his group what he was going to do. It was a regular lunchtime. Dan and Mason were cringing at the disgusting thing Chuck was eating while Jacob talked about hot chicks, cleaning Chuck’s mess as he did so.
“Guys?” Dan said, clearing his throat nervously.
“What is it, Howell?” Chuck replied, taking an alarmingly large bite into his sloppy joe. It was safe to say that Dan did not enjoy watching him eat. Nor did any other sane human being for that matter.
“I-I don’t really want to take that girl to formal. I want to take Phil. “
If Chuck’s face was a newspaper, the front page headline would read ‘PEASANT BOY DARES TO DEFY HIS MASTER, THESE ARE THE CONSEQUENCES.’
“You what?” Jacob looked at Dan like he’d just grown a fifth nipple.
“Prom. Phil. I’m taking him. I don’t care what you guys think. If you were good friends, you’d support me in this. Popularity means jack shit after high school. Phil means everything to me.”
Jacob narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth to retort, but Chuck’s fat hand muffled whatever he was trying to say before he said it. He shot him a quick death glare. Weird.
“You know, Dan. You’re right. You should take Phil- I’m sorry for trying to stop you.” Chuck said quickly, brow creased in guilt.
Well that was a fast change in mood. Dan thought.
“That’s it? Cause your face before looked like-”
“I was just surprised. But not in a bad way. Anyway, I think you should text Phil now. Prom is next week, you need to give him notice, bro.”
Dan nodded in agreement, forgetting about Chuck’s strange behaviour. He was probably just imagining it.
He whipped his phone out and began composing his text to Phil. His thumbs moved faster than they ever had.
From Dan
To Phil:
Phil,
I’m sorry. I’ve been an idiot. I was completely wrong to uninvite you from prom- it’s about us, not my friends. And they’re fine with me bringing you now, so it doesn’t even matter anymore. I’m such a dumb meme I literally love you so much and have no idea what I was thinking when I uninvited you. I hope you can forgive me because if you still want to… I want to go to prom together. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I really hope we can work things out.
Dan read the text out to the group. Jacob and Chuck murmured in approval, while Mason had a much more animated reaction, clapping his hands gleefully.
“Yes! That’s perfect… you and Phil are literally goals.” The boy practically sang the last word of his sentence, beaming widely at Dan.
He began chatting to Dan about the sparkly silver tie he’d gotten to match his girlfriend’s dress at prom, eyes dancing excitedly. Dan tried his best to listen, nodding along where appropriate but his mind was on other things- namely Phil and the text he’d just sent. He didn’t know what he’d do if Phil didn’t reply. He knew he was young and dumb, but he really felt like Phil and him had something special. Everything in his future had always seemed unclear to him. Everything except Phil, that was.
“Oh my gosh, I need to pee. Dan! Come with!” Mason exclaimed, eyes widening as he stood up from the table.
Dan glanced at the white skinny jeans Mason was wearing. It would indeed be a shame if the boy wet himself. Everyone would know.
Now that he’d been reminded of it, Dan realised that he needed to empty his bladder too. He’d woken up late that morning, and had skipped his morning whizz just to make it to school on time.
“Sure.” Dan forced a laugh out and let Mason drag him to the toilets, heart still heavy from Phil’s lack of reply. It had only been five minutes.
-
Five minutes turned to a day, and a day turned into a week, until finally the day of prom arrived. Dan’s heart had broken a little more with every passing minute that had gone by with no reply. He guessed he deserved it for hurting Phil. He couldn’t really blame the guy for not forgiving him. He just really wished he had.
Every night that past week Dan had lay in bed, staring at his phone, waiting for a reply. But every time the dull screen of the phone lit up it had only been an email, or a Tumblr notification. Never Phil.
As much as he didn’t want to admit it, Dan knew there was a very real possibility he would never see Phil again.
Shit.
He sounded like such a loser, getting so worked up over a silly teenage relationship.
But it wasn’t silly. What you had with him was real. A voice told him. Dan promptly told it to stuff a brick up its ass.
Dan looked in the mirror, and frowned when he saw what was staring back at him. He looked like a widower who’d just come back from a funeral, not a teenage boy about to go to prom with a ‘hot girl’!
His suit jacket, coat and pants were the blackest black he’d managed to find. The only thing that wasn’t black was his tie- it was the Totoro one he’d secretly gotten to match Phil’s. He’d wanted to surprise Phil, because of course he’d expect Dan to wear a ‘bland black tie’. Dan didn’t even know why he was wearing the Totoro tie, honestly. It didn’t match the not ugly, but well- ugly yellow dress Chelsea was planning on wearing.
Dan took one last look in the mirror, sighed, and trudged down the stairs. He wasn’t looking forward to this.
-
If Dan could have used one word to describe his prom, it would have been ‘amazing’.
Amazing at how his friends had ditched him. Chuck was zooming all over the place, asking, begging people to vote him and his girlfriend for prom king and queen. As if he needed to though, Chuck being so well known throughout the year level that no one else stood a chance against him for the title.
Amazing at how Jacob was off making the rather, um, interesting decision to spend the entirety of the night with his tongue stuck down his girlfriend’s throat. An hour into the prom, and they were practically dry humping on the dance floor.
And so bloody amazing how Chelsea had been pushing herself on Dan all night, not taking no for an answer when he made it very clear he wasn’t interested.
The bright disco lights above him were overwhelming, and did nothing to help him dispel any thoughts of Phil Lester. Phil had a disco ball in his living room that they would always put on when Dan was over. Some days they’d dance for hours under its light, and others they’d just lay there, muttering sweet nothings to each other.
Dan had finally gotten a moment away from Chelsea- she’d gone to take pictures with her friends, no doubt to be posted on Facebook the next day with the caption ‘Prom <3’. Why did he even agree to go to prom with someone like her? He should have just gone alone.
Dan was slumped in his chair, feeling as numb as ever when a soft hand tapped his shoulder. He turned around slowly, not really in the mood to talk to anyone.
Chelsea fluttered her eyelashes at him, smiling slyly as she did so. She held out a perfectly manicured hand and said,
“Hey Dan. I’m sorry I’ve been gone for so long. You’re looking a little lonely.”
“Oh it’s fine, honestly, I-”
“No, please. Let me make it up to you.” The blonde-haired girl continued, practically purring her words out.
What the fuck was going on? Dan had a bad feeling about this.
“I think I’m going to go to the bathroom, I’ve had way too much punch-” Dan started, but never finished. Something sticky was being pressed into his lips. It was not until a few second laters when he realised it was Chelsea’s mouth and he pushed her off, disgusted.
“What the hell? Why the fuck did you do that?” Dan growled, wiping his lips off with a napkin furiously.
Chelsea began saying something that must have been some form of an apology, but Dan decided he didn’t really what she had to say. He was beyond done. He stood up from his chair and turned to go to the toilet to scrub any remaining particles of Chelsea off his lips.
On his way to the toilets, he bumped into someone. He muttered an unenthused ‘sorry’ and tried to walk off, but was stopped by a familiar voice.
“Hey! Dan, where the hell have you been? Phil’s been waiting outside for like, over an hour cause security wouldn’t let him in- I had to lie and say he was my date cause I couldn’t find you!”
Dan’s stomach dropped.
“What? He never replied to my invite- I thought he wasn’t coming!”
“Yeah I thought so too but apparently he did?”
“Well where is he now?” Dan asked urgently.
“In the bathrooms, I just went in to take a tinkle and his eyes were all red and puffy. I tried to comfort him but he just mentioned something about you and a girl before he burst into tears, poor guy and-”
Dan was off before Mason could finish.
Fuck.
Phil had seen and probably concluded the worst. How was this possible? Phil just straight up ignored Dan’s text- it wasn’t like Phil to show up out of the blue uninvited.
When Dan got to the bathrooms, his heart broke.
The all too familiar sobs of his ex-boyfriend could be heard, echoing off the ceramic walls of the bathroom. All the stalls were open, except one- the one the sobbing was coming from.
“Phil! It’s Dan- what- what happened?”
No reply.
“Phil please, I know you’re in there. I need to talk to you.”
Still no reply.
Dan decided that desperate times called for desperate measures, hitched his pants up, then dropped to the floor. He crawled under the bathroom stall, heart sinking even more when he took in the broken state his Phil was in.
“G-get out!” Phil choked out, briefly glancing up at Dan. It was enough time for Dan to see how red his face was, and the tears flowing out of his eyes.
Dan wasn’t even sure how to start.
“I know what you saw. But it wasn’t what it looked like- she kissed me. I didn’t kiss her back, I would never. I pushed her off as soon as I realised what was happening.”
Phil looked back up at Dan, not breaking his gaze this time. His soft blue eyes were now looking at Dan like he was holding his heart in his hands, ready to crush it or fix it at any moment.
Dan didn’t even notice he himself was crying until he heard the wrecked state of his own voice.
“I-I know how bad it must have looked. But please believe me when I say I didn’t want it. I only want you.”
Phil’s eyes softened at this, and Dan saw this as an opportunity to take Phil’s hands into his own. He breathed out softly in relief when Phil didn’t pull back.
“Then why’d you re-invite me to your prom and go with her instead? I was waiting outside for over an hour, Dan!”
“Yes, but you never replied, Phil. I thought you didn’t want to see me anymore, let alone go to prom with me!”
Phil frowned at this.
“But I did! I said yes, and then you text me the address and-”
“No?”
Phil huffed before fishing his phone out of his pocket. He unlocked it and handed it to Dan.
Dan scanned through the conversation, confused. He had never sent any of these texts. Who even texted this way- there were countless spelling errors, even on words that were nearly impossible to misspell-
Oh god.
Dan clenched his jaw so hard he though his teeth would break. He was ready to punch a bitch. A bitch named Chuck.
“Phil. That wasn’t me. Chuck must have gone on my phone while I went to pee and texted you, then deleted all of the conversation so I wouldn’t see it. I never even saw these texts.”
“What? But how do you know it was Chuck?”
“You see that there? There’s only one person stupid enough to misspell that word.”
Phil laughed at this, tongue poking out of his mouth. Dan felt his heart soar to the skies. He’d missed that sound. Phil’s laugh had been one of the first things Dan had fallen in love with, second only to those gorgeous blue eyes.
For the next twenty minutes or so, the two boys just sat there, catching up on everything they’d missed in each other’s lives. They joked and they teased, and laughed harder than they’d laughed in months because of course Dan and Phil would get back together in a toilet stall.
-
When they finally walked out, hand in hand, Dan had some confronting to do.
“Hey Chuck! Fuck you!” Dan yelled, his exaggerated smile contrasting his violent words.
Chuck quickly excused himself from his conversation with the girl he was chatting up to vote him prom king. Jacob suddenly emerged from the dance floor, lips red from his previous activities. Great. Dan might as well kill two birds with one stone. He was pretty sure Jacob had helped Chuck.
“What did I do?” He said, clearly annoyed his business negotiations been interrupted.
“Yeah, what’s going on?” Jacob asked.
“Fucked shit up between me and my boyfriend. Seriously, are you fucking dumb?”
“Oh come on man, you know this is just a phase. Chelsea’s hot as fuck, you should be grateful I got her to kiss you-”
That was it. Dan was going to punch him. Dan knew he was a dick, but a homophobe?
Figures. But before he had the chance to knock the living daylights out of the ogre, someone else had.
“You little shit! You did not just say that. I can’t believe I was friends with a homophobe for so long-” Mason yelled, rubbing his sore fist.
“But it’s not right-” Jacob started. He earned a punch from Mason too.
“No, no, sweetie. You know what? I’m gay as hell and I’ve just decided I don’t want to see either of you ever again.”
Dan looked at Mason incredulously. What the fuck was going on?
“Oh, please. How could you not tell? My ‘girlfriend’ is just my beard. I’m so gay I should be called ‘Gayson’, not Mason.”
“Why were you so excited about going to prom with her then?”
“Oh please, honey. Just because she’s not my type doesn’t mean she’s not a hoot. We’ve been best friends for years.”
Following this, Dan, Phil and Gayson had all had a pleasant little conversation about their gayness (or bi-ness, in Dan and Phil’s cases). Dan was so glad that at least one of his friends hadn’t turned out to be a dickhead.
Gayson was just telling the couple about his latest crush when it came on. The song Dan and Phil had been wanting to slow dance to for so long. They excused themselves, promising to continue the conversation later. They had some dancing to do.
-
Dan’s body swayed to the music, arms circling Phil’s neck as he did. He breathed in the familiar scent of his boyfriend. God, that felt good to say. This was what he’d been wanting for so long. Any doubt he’d ever had of his relationship with Phil was dispelled.
Dan knew the second Phil had noticed the matching Totoro tie he was wearing because he’d looked into Dan’s eyes, sighed happily and gave him a kiss so tender yet so passionate, Dan thought he’d fallen in love with him all over again.
“I’m guessing you like the tie?” Dan teased once they’d finally broken apart.
“Yeah. I like you a little more though.” Phil replied, before softly resting his forehead against Dan’s. Dan was complete.
They had more to talk about, of course, and Dan had more to apologise for. But for once, Dan didn’t care what anyone else thought of him. Only Phil.
Summary: When superhero Dan Howell gets paired up with fellow hero and arch nemesis Phil Lester for an important mission, he’s pissed beyond belief. But as the two are forced to work together to take down the evil Dr.Bickletwist, Dan finds Phil might not be as awful as he first thought…
“Howell? What are you doing here?” Phil asked, confused.
“Yeah! What is he doing here, commander? He better not be here for the reason I think he is.”
The commander ignored his question, and instead told Phil to take a seat on the chair next to Dan’s. He took a deep breath, folding his hands neatly on the desk and looked at the two boys.
“I’m just going to say it. Dan, Phil- you will be going to the island together to defeat Dr.Bickletwist.”
Dan’s jaw dropped, This was not happening.
“You’re kidding, right?” Dan said incredulously. “You know how much I hate Phil and how much he hates me! It’s just a disaster waiting to happen!”
“Yeah!” Dan could tell Phil was equally as distressed but was trying to hold back. He’d always been passive aggressive, yet another quality that Dan hated about him. “Please commander, with all due respect- this is, this is not a great idea.” Phil bit his lip nervously.
“Dan, Phil. I know you haven’t gotten along that well in the past, but I was hoping you could put that behind you for this mission, for me. I know both of you, your strengths and your weaknesses and you both need to trust me when I say that you two are the only ones who can take down Dr.Bickletwist. But you need to do it together.” The commander replied sternly, not stuttering once.
“No! I don’t care! I’d end up killing him before we’d get even halfway to the island!” Dan exclaimed, now furious at the man in front of him for suggesting such a thing.
“Daniel. You need to listen to my opinion on this. This is not about you, Phil or even me! This is about the parents whose children have been missing for years, and the children who have been locked away with that awful man for far too long, not you and your childish attitude!” The commander yelled furiously, the vein in his forehead popping out.
Shit. Dan was being selfish- but he couldn’t go with Phil. It just wouldn’t work. Usually the commander was someone with reliable judgement on situations like these, but he couldn’t go with Phil. It would end in disaster.
“You think I don’t know that? I’m not saying I won’t go on this mission, I just won’t go with Phil. Please, just let Tyler come with me. It will be so much better.” Dan begged.
“And then I’ll miss out on the mission? I don’t think so, Dan. I know you think all I do all day is rescue kittens from trees, but newsflash- I actually am a superhero too, and have caught and defeated villains before.” Phil shot Dan an icy glare, which Dan immediately returned before snapping himself out of it when he remembered the commander was watching them.
“The simple solution here would be for you two to just go. ON. THE. MISSION. TOGETHER!!!” The commander slammed his hands down on the table. “God, it’s like dealing with children.” He said, quieter.
“Well that’s just too bad, because I’m not going with Lester or I’m not going at all.” And with that, Dan stood up, snapped his fingers and promptly teleported out of the room.
-
“Guys you don’t understand! The commander paired me up with Lester, Phil fucking Lester for this stupid mission! It’s going to be a disaster!” Dan groaned before shoving a forkful of steak in his mouth.
He was currently in his and Tyler’s dining room, eating questionably cooked meat- Tyler had cooked it using his flame powers- with his two friends.
“Dan, honey, don’t you think you’re being just a tad irrational? Philip is a lovely boy and a great superhero too.” Louise replied, eyeing Dan up disappointedly.
Dan was not being irrational. Not wanting to go on the dumb mission with Phil fucking Lester was fair enough, he thought. They literally would just be arguing the whole time, they wouldn’t get anything done! And besides, all Lester did all day was rescue kittens and shit from trees, it’s not like he’d actually be able to handle a supervillain as bad as Dr.Bickletwist- he was just too soft.
“No! Phil and I don’t get along at all! And he doesn’t even know how to do anything remotely superhero-related, for christ’s sakes he justs spends all his time playing with animals instead of helping the rest of us.”
“I’ve gotta disagree with you on that one. He does a lot more than you think, you know. Also, Phil is a lovely guy. It’s in the name!” Tyler said matter of factly, eyebrows raised.
“What, ‘Sunshine man’? It’s so fucking lame and unoriginal- it’s like he got it from an online name generator. His powers are literally just shooting sunshine out of his hands, he clearly put no thought into it.” Dan rolled his eyes.
Louise and Tyler remained silent, instead sharing a look that Dan didn’t quite understand the meaning of. Dan was grateful for the fact that neither of them had used the obvious comeback- that Dan had the word whisk in his name.
“Anyway, I don’t want to talk about him anymore, I’ve had enough of him for one lifetime.” He finished, walking up to the sink to wash his plate.
-
The rest of the night was otherwise pleasant, the three friends playing a variety of different board games and laughing over nothing.The highlight of the night had probably been when Tyler had gotten so excited about his triple word score in scrabble that he’d knocked a glass of water onto his pants and then farted out of frustration. Dan had doubled over in laughter, causing him to fart himself which just induced another fit of laughter in him, Tyler and Louise.
It was now 11pm: time for Louise to go back to her own ‘dorm’ (it’s what they were called, but in reality the ‘dorms’ of the agency were big enough to be classified as apartments), thanks to the commander’s stupid rule that said everyone had to be back in their own dorms by 11, and sleepovers were only allowed when supervillains weren’t posing immediate risks to the city (they rarely weren’t). It was a miracle that the commander actually allowed Dan and Tyler to live in the same when he was very well aware of the fact that the two were like kids on sugar together- hyper and out of control.
Dan walked Louise to the door, bidding her goodbye before being pulled into an unexpected bear hug. He squeaked before hugging her back. It had been 10 seconds and Louise still hadn’t let go and so Dan decided he needed to end it himself.
“Louise, this has been great but Tyler and I really need to sleep now. We can hug another time.” He said, wrenching himself out of her embrace.
Louise frowned.
“Fine. But I do need to talk to you about something quickly before I go.” She said, looking serious all of a sudden.
Dan groaned internally, already knowing what she was going to talk to him about.
“You need to go on that mission.”
Yep, he was right.
Dan clenched his jaw before opening his mouth to spew out the saltiest retort he could think of, but was interrupted.
“No, Dan. Listen to me. I know you hate Phil, and you think he hates you- which is definitely not true by the way, but you need to do this. Put your differences aside for just a few weeks, or however long it takes to get to Dr.BIckletwist. The commander knows what he’s doing, he’s been doing it well for the past 49 years and so if he says you and Phil working together is the only way to defeat him, then it is.”
Dan stood there, stunned. He was at a loss for words. Louise was one of his best friends, and she only really got this serious when it was really important. Normally she was all jokes and smiles, but by the look on her face and the tone of her voice it was obvious this meant a lot to her.
Dan didn’t even realise he’d been staring at nothing, wide-eyed until Louise patted him on the shoulder.
“Just think about it, ok?” She smiled at him before walking away, disappearing down the corridor before Dan could even find it in himself to speak.
“Ok.” He said softly. It was for his own benefit more than Louise’s, really. She’d already turned the corner and was out of sight.
Description: Dan and Phil are just two platonic bros. Dan doesn't care what his best friend Louise has to say about it. He's allowed to be straight and think that Phil has the most breathtaking eyes he's ever seen, okay? (Or 3.7k words of Dan denying The Gay™)
“Look buddy, I don’t know what to tell you but that Lester kid is just my mate and nothing more. I’m not gay!” Dan shrugged his shoulders and smiled at his friend Louise from across the table.
“Kay… if you say so, Dan.” Louise smirked and went to back to typing furiously on her laptop. Their literature essays were due the next day, and Louise and Dan had left theirs to the last minute as expected.
Dan laughed to himself, thinking at the ridiculousness of Louise’s implication. Don’t get him wrong, he wasn’t homophobic in the slightest. He just wasn’t gay. Ever since he’d befriended an older student in their university, Phil Lester, Louise had been teasing him about it to no end. He wasn’t annoyed, not really. It’s just that the mere idea of him being attracted to a male was laughable. He was straighter than a ruler. He’d met Phil on his first day of university, when he was just a small, hopeful freshman boy entering the big world. Dan had been amazed by how cool Phil’s hair was, how it always flopped on his forehead perfectly. Going up to the older boy and asking him about his hair care routine had been one of the best decisions of his life, now he was best PLATONIC bros with the nicest guy on campus.
Louise just didn’t understand that as a normal heterosexual dude, Dan could have a really close connection with another guy, maybe even cuddle him from time to time and admire him without it being gay. The mere thought of Phil and him being anything more than just a couple of bros was hilarious to Dan. He laughed out loud a little at this, causing Louise to ask,
“What’s got you so happy? Thinking about Phil again?”
Dan laughed even more and shook his head at the idea.
“You wish.” He said, and with that he finally started on the literature essay that was due the next day.
-
Dan had finally done it. He’d finished the goddamn essay. It had taken a lot of blood, sweat and tears (mostly Louise’s for having to have her study interrupted by Dan’s constant whining) but it was done. Yep, leaving the essay to the very last minute definitely wasn’t a good idea. Dan could confidently say that what he handed in wasn’t a complete piece of shit, and that it might even be enough to earn a distinction. After pressing the ‘submit’ button with a great sense of satisfaction, he immediately went to text Phil the good news of his essay completion, hoping they’d be able to hang out. It had been too long since he’d seen his bro- two days, 13 hours and 5 minutes to be exact.
Dan: Just finished my essay, you free right now buddy?
The response was immediate.
Phil: THAT’S AWESOME!!! :DDD Wanna go to the arcade now? It’s unlimited plays on Thursdays.
Dan smiled at his phone and threw his coat on, preparing to leave for Phil’s dorm room before typing out a quick response.
Dan: Yes!! I’ll be at yours in five <3
“Louise, I’m going out with Phil. I’ll be back later tonight probably.”
“Okay Dan, just don’t forget to use protection. We wouldn’t want Phil getting you pregnant now would we?” He heard his friend’s teasing voice holler back.
“You can tease all you want, but it will have to end when I get a girlfriend one of these days. She might actually believe the shit that you say!” Dan exclaimed, shaking his head in amusement but slight frustration. Louise would literally not shut up about this, and this time it had annoyed him more than usual for some reason. Dan sighed and shook his head. He was not going to dwell on this. He had a platonic bro to attend to.
-
Anyone would have thought Dan was high, the way he was acting in the arcade with Phil. He’d been clutching his stomach for who knows how long, laughing at a joke Phil had told five minutes ago.
“Seriously Dan, it wasn’t even that funny!” Phil reprimanded, though he was laughing too and his tone held nothing but fondness for his friend.
“Yes it was! I’m literally dying Phil!” Dan replied between giggles.
Moments like these made Dan feel even more grateful than usual that he could call someone as hilarious and kind as Phil Lester his friend. They’d only been at the arcade for a total of 2 hours but Phil had somehow managed to make Dan burst into countless fits of laughter already. Hanging out with Phil was easy, he didn’t need to be anyone but himself and dare he say it but, he was starting to think Phil was his best bro.
After a solid five more minutes of laughing hysterically, Dan finally settled down and decided to challenge Phil to a game.
“Alright Laddy-P, how would you like to get your ass owned by me in a game of table hockey?” Dan asked, his eyes twinkling and his mouth turning up at the corners. Dan was amazing at table hockey, and having only known Phil for two months, Phil had not had the pleasure of having his ass owned by Dan… yet.
Phil smirked, his eyes dancing as if he knew something that Dan didn’t.
“Okay Dan. But it’s your ass that’s gonna get owned.”
-
So close. The game had been so damn close but the end result? Phil had won. He’d shot his puck into Dan’s hole at the very last second, causing Dan to whine like a little child. Now he’d have to accept defeat, and endure Phil’s gloating for the whole car ride back to the dorms. Great. Okay look, Dan was being a little dramatic. If he had let his hand slip at the last second, allowing Phil to get the goal, just to see that little smile on Phil’s face that he loved so much, that was no one’s business but his own. And he didn’t really hate Phil’s gloating. It was kind of cute… in a totally heterosexual way.
They were walking back to Phil’s car, Phil practically jumping with glee.
“PHIL LESTER FROM MANCHESTER IS SIMPLY THE BESTER!” Phil exclaimed, bursting into laughter at his own silly phrasing. Dan noticed the hopeful look of anticipation on Phil’s face that always seemed to appear whenever he told a joke. Dan knew Phil was always trying hard to make him laugh, but he couldn’t judge him for it because Dan was exactly the same.
“You dork.” Dan replied simply, smiling at the childlike nature of the boy who was quickly becoming his favourite person. Phil suddenly stopped walking and turned to face Dan, still laughing. Dan gave his friend a questioning look.
“What is it now you meme?”
Phil looked down mid-giggle, silky black hair falling in front of his blue eyes. He shyly glanced down at Dan’s hand, for reasons Dan didn’t quite understand. Phil cleared his throat nervously and took a step towards Dan. Dan resisted his better judgement of taking a step back and stood his place, feeling some indescribable force keeping him in place. Before he realised what he was doing, Dan was brushing Phil’s black fringe out of his face. His friend’s gorgeous blue eyes should not be hiding behind hair. As much as Dan loved Phil’s hair, he’d noticed many times how exquisite his eyes were. They were a mixture of blue, green and yellow, and seemed to shine with kindness every time Dan looked into them. Dan felt like he was dreaming, he had no idea what was happening and why he was feeling so…. strange.
It came as a surprise to both Dan and Phil when the words “Your eyes are pretty.” were breathed out of Dan, his voice soft and airy.
Phil’s eyes widened as he blushed, looking down once again.
Fuck.
He wasn’t supposed to say that out loud. Dan thought that Phil’s eyes were the most beautiful things he’d ever seen in a totally platonic way. He couldn’t let Phil get the wrong idea and make the friendship awkward. Thinking fast, Dan attempted to rectify the situation.
“Uh… I mean, your eyes are pretty, no homo.” Dan shot finger guns at his friend for added effect.
Much better. Dan mentally applauded himself for his genius recovery.
“U-Um… t-thanks Dan. Yours are too.”
Something stirred inside Dan’s stomach at this. Something odd. He felt a little warm and fuzzy and… randomly happy? Wow, he must have been prouder than he thought about his ‘no homo’ recovery.
Dan tried to shake off any lingering feelings of awkwardness, and decided to let himself enjoy the rest of his night with his friend.
-
In the weeks that followed their outing, Dan was still feeling off. Dan and Phil had grown even closer following that night, hanging out nearly every day and texting whenever they weren’t together.
They’d grown physically closer too, sharing more hugs, holding hands to preserve heat when the weather was cold. Sometimes, after a long video game session together, Dan would find himself sleepily cuddling up to Phil. Only out of convenience, of course. His bed was so far away, and falling asleep in a human source of warmth that was readily available was much more favourable for someone as lazy as Dan.
One Friday night, Dan and Phil were doing just so. Cuddling lazily under a blanket, idly chatting about how many mushrooms Mario would be able to shove up his anus before he’d shit himself.
“At least two, I reckon.”
“Only two? Jumping around so much, Mario would be sure to have a gaping anus. It would be clenching and unclenching all the time.” Dan responded thoughtfully, snuggling himself even further into Phil’s warm arms. How did he get so lucky to get a best friend who was so warm and snuggly, and always held him when he was cold, or sometimes even when he wasn’t. Phil was so considerate in that way, always cuddling Dan even on warmer nights, ‘just in case the cold comes creeping back’, in Phil’s words. Truly a great friend.
Phil hummed thoughtfully, gently placing his chin on the top of Dan’s head.
“But the mushrooms are quite large, especially in proportion to Mario’s body. I don’t think more than two could fit up his butt.”
Dan opened his mouth to respond, but was rudely interrupted.
“Do I even want to know what you two are talking about?” Louise teased, setting the grocery bags down on the counter.
“How many mushrooms could fit up Mario’s anus before he explodes.” Phil explained nonchalantly, looking up at Louise and smiling.
Louise huffed in amusement, shaking her head.
“You guys are so weird.” Louise rustled through one of the grocery bags for something.
“But definitely not more than one. Those mushrooms are like, half the size of poor Mario’s body.”
Dan snuggled in closer to Phil, as impossible as it seemed considering how close they already were, and smiled. Phil responded by wrapping his arms even tighter around the younger boy and softly nosing his hair.
“I still think he could fit two.” Dan replied idly, leaning in closer to Phil as he started playing with his soft brown hair.
“Hm. I guess that adds another item to the list of things we don’t agree on.” Louise quickly glanced at Dan and Phil’s position, smirking.
“Anyway I’ll be off. I’ve got some sleep to catch up on. Don’t be too loud with… whatever it is you two do alone together.” And with that, Louise had disappeared into her bedroom leaving Dan and Phil alone once again.
“What was that about?”
Shit. Dan knew exactly what that was about. But Phil couldn’t know. It would make their friendship weird. Knowing that Dan’s best friend shipped him and Phil together would ruin everything!
“Um… nothing! She’s just a light sleeper and I’ve woken her up when I’ve played video games late at night before. That’s all. Literally nothing else, okay?” Dan rushed out, his cheeks turning pink.
Phil looked skeptical, but whatever he was thinking he didn’t say. He let out a forced laugh before continuing the previous conversation.
“Ok… but definitely more than two could fit up his anus. He’s a strong man.”
-
Phil left Dan and Louise’s dorm around midnight, despite both boys’ unwillingness for Phil to leave. Unfortunately, university didn’t care whether the boys had enough sleepovers to satisfy them or not and so Phil was forced to go home and sleep in order to not die of exhaustion during his 9am lecture. Phil had reluctantly exited the dorm with the promise of another hang out the following evening, this time in Phil’s dorm.
The following day was probably one of the worst of Dan’s life. First, he’d spilled milk all over his favourite pyjamas and he was forced to do laundry! As if he was a normal adult or something! Then, he stubbed his toe on the kitchen counter, a single tear falling from his eye as he did so. He’d stumbled to the couch, nursing his hurt toe and wanting nothing more than to browse on Tumblr. But alas, the wifi was down. Just what Dan needed.
By the time Louise got back, Dan was practically ready to shit himself in frustration. (Not that he would. That would be weird.)
Dan heard the familiar sound of the door opening and turned his head to see his dorm mate entering the room, blonde curls bouncing on her shoulders.
“How was it?” Dan enquired, secretly not caring that much about how Louise’s bland parents were faring. He had more important things to care about. Like his injured toe, or the malfunctioning wifi.
“It was fine. Same-old, same-old you know? Still the same disgusting in love couple after 30 years of marriage.”
“That’s a little cute I must admit, even if they are bland.” Dan mused, opening his laptop again, trying in vain to connect to the internet.
“Ah of course. It gives me high hopes for your and Phil’s future.”
That was it. Dan had had a shitty enough day without Louise’s presumptuous, invasive, and most importantly baseless comments. He slammed his laptop shut so fast he thought it would break. He slowly turned behind him to face Louise, who was sitting smugly on one of the kitchen stools, legs crossed like she knew something Dan didn’t.
“Excuse me?” Dan gritted out, praying for Louise’s, and his own sake that he had misheard.
“You know, your future with your boyfriend Phil. Why is this confusing you?”
Dan swore he could feel his arteries bursting in anger, if that even was a thing. He sharply inhaled once and pursed his lips before responding as calmly as he could (which was not very calm at all).
“I’ve told you this before. Phil and I are just platonic bros. There’s nothing more to it! I am a heterosexual man who very much dislikes it when he is accused of being anything else!”
Louise rolled her eyes.
“So you’ve never had an even, slightly gay thought about Phil?”
“Not once.” Dan spat, his eyes narrowed with fury. But Louise wasn’t scared. She knew Dan for the meme he was.
“You don’t even, maybe, think his eyes are pretty?” Louise said coyly, her sharp eyebrows raised.
Dan opened his mouth to say something, before stopping himself. After a second, he continued, teeth gritted.
“I am allowed to be straight and think that Phil has pretty eyes, okay? Only an idiot would think they’re anything less than dazzling.”
Louise just looked at her friend in amusement, shaking her head.
“Okay.” she said nonchalantly, amused but not petty enough to want to continue the fight with Dan any longer.
“And I’m allowed to be straight and want to hold his hand, and have the thought of him dating anyone else killing me inside, and- and to want to take him out to a nice restaurant and kiss him softly under the moonlight!”
Dan’s voice was a whole mix of things- strangled, furious, but most of all, conflicted.
The silence in the air following Dan’s outburst was painful. For a good few moments Louise and Dan were just looking at each other with shock on their faces, Dan breathing heavily with his fists still clenched.
“Dan, I-” Louise tried to comfort her obviously conflicted friend but it was too late, he was already out of the dorm, slamming the door behind him.
-
Dan had no idea what the fuck happened back there with Louise, but he knew it was her fault. She aggravated him to no end- she wouldn’t let him be who he wanted to be. Which was straight. Surely this was heterophobia or something! Dan knocked raptly on the door in front of him thrice, impatient to get inside and be comforted by his favourite person.
In seconds, Phil was at the door, his black hair tousled and his black glasses framing his small face perfectly. He was probably Dan’s best looking friend.
“Oh- hey Dan! What are you doing here?” Phil waved his hand, silently inviting Dan in.
Dan stomped in before pulling his shoes off, throwing them angrily on the carpet like a child.
“Dan, what’s wrong?” Phil asked, picking up the shoes and placing them on his shoe rack. What a nerd.
“It’s ridiculous! Louise won’t shut up about the ridiculous idea of you and me dating! She keeps saying I’m not straight when I obviously am. The damn woman can’t, or won’t accept the fact that we’re just platonic BROS!!!” Dan paced around, pulling at his soft brown hair angrily.
Phil remained silent, but for what he failed to express verbally he certainly expressed physically. His face had fallen dramatically, his bottom lip sticking out a little and his soft blue eyes expressing more pain than the kind man ever deserved to feel.
Dan was snapped out of his funk immediately for concern of his best bro.
“Phil? What’s wrong?” Dan had instinctively wrapped his arms around his friend. Phil looked up at Dan, briefly letting their eyes meet before burying his face into his friend’s chest.
“Nothing…”
“Phil, what is it?” Dan began to pet his bro’s soft hair to soothe him. There was a beat of silence before,
“I-I just thought, that um, maybe there was something more.”
Dan’s stomach dropped. He felt like there was a rock stuck in his throat. Surely this couldn’t be what he thought it meant. It couldn’t. Dan braced himself before asking the question that would change the fate of his entire friendship with Phil.
“Something more as in, um, what Louise thinks we are?” Dan gulped.
Phil stepped out of Dan’s embrace, hugging himself at the loss of warmth. His blue eyes were still sad, Dan noted.
“Well, yeah. I thought you knew I liked you, and I don’t know, was I completely misguided to think that maybe you liked me back?”
Dan took a step back from Phil, trying to ignore the hurt look that deepened on Phil’s face as he did so.
“Woah, woah, woah bro…. I don’t know where you got that idea from. I’m completely straight. Sorry. Just because I have the ever-present urge to kiss the ever loving heck out of you whenever we’re together doesn’t mean that I like you.” Dan scoffed, rolling his eyes and chuckling a little.
“Dan, that’s gay.” Phil said finally, looking at Dan like he’d just shoved four mushrooms up his ass.
“No it’s not.”
“Yes it is.” Phil took a step forward, a refreshed look of determination in his eyes. Dan was scared.
“I’m straight.” Dan argued, taking a step back.
“As a rainbow.” Phil countered taking another step towards Dan.
“I’m really sorry, but it’s not gay!” Dan took his largest step yet back, palms beginning to sweat when he realised he’d been backed into a wall.
Phil looked Dan dead in the eyes, glancing down at the younger boy’s soft lips.
“Well if that’s not, then this certainly is.” was the last thing Dan heard before another set of lips were pressed into his own. Dan’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head before Phil began moving his lips against his, and instead the brown-haired man moaned, melting into his friend. His eyes fluttered shut as they continued kissing, and soon he found his hands tangling in Phil’s silky black hair. How did it even get that soft?
After what felt like forever, Phil finally pulled away, gasping for breath. He blushed when he realised how dangerously low his hands had travelled, retracting them from Dan’s lower back immediately. He looked at Dan shyly, still very afraid of rejection even after what had been the most amazing kiss of both boys’ lives.
“So….” Dan was the first to speak, his nervous tone matching his face that had turned bright red from embarrassment.
“Maybe we should start dating…” Dan coughed nervously, terrified of what Phil’s reply would be even though the odds were looking to be in his favour.
“Yes!” Phil responded immediately, the pain in his beautiful blue eyes finally dissolved, instead alight with what could only be described as pure contentment.
“Wait. I wasn’t finished. Maybe we should start dating, no homo?” Dan looked at Phil expectantly, eager to get the talking done with so that they could go back to doing certain things.
Phil simply glared at him, his lips pursed in disappointment.
Dan waited for a bit, hoping Phil would come around to his less than ideal terms and conditions of their dating, but Phil was still glaring after an entire minute.
“Ugh, fine. Yes homo.” Dan forced himself to say, wincing the whole time.
His struggles were compensated with a peck on the lips and an overjoyed Phil Lester wrapping him up into a hug. He was engulfed in the wonderful man’s warmth, his heart was leaping with excitement and he finally admitted to himself that he was not straight, and that perhaps he and Phil were just a little more than two platonic bros. Maybe.
hi! I'm looking for a fic, where Phil dated like 5 girls and then Dan says he loves Phil, but Phil thinks he's straight, BUT the last girls he dates tells him that he loves Dan too and yeah... what I'm trying to say is I'm really bad at explaining.
The 5 times Phil Lester dated the wrong girl, and the one time he didn’t date a girl at all (ao3) - ticklishpickle
Summary: In which Phil doesn’t notice what’s been right in front of him the whole time and Dan silently pines.
When you go looking for your daily dose of Phanfiction and find someone looking for your fic on Phanfictioncatalogue???? I feel like a legit Phanfic writer now even though I haven't written in months because of year 12 HAHHAHA BUT I'M SO HAPPY LOL
Summary: When superhero Dan Howell gets paired up with fellow hero and arch nemesis Phil Lester for an important mission, he's pissed beyond belief. But as the two are forced to work together to take down the evil Dr.Bickletwist, Dan finds Phil might not be as awful as he first thought... (Phan superhero AU)
They were arguing again, but that was nothing new. Dan had allowed his mortal enemy, Phil Lester, to sit with him and Tyler at lunch- which had taken a lot of convincing on Tyler’s part- and it had ended just how he’d expected it to.
It was over the stupidest thing ever, too. Probably the hundredth newspaper article had been written about Phil for something as mediocre as rescuing a kitten from a tree. It was like he didn’t even take his job as a superhero seriously, wasting his time on mundane tasks when there were dozens of supervillains at large. So when Phil had brought up the article, it was only natural that Dan expressed his thoughts on it.
“Oh please, I’m not going to listen to someone whose supername is ‘The Sunshine Man’.” Dan used sarcastic air quotes when he said the older man’s stupid name.
“Well at least my name doesn’t contain the word ‘whisk’!” Phil spat, his face red and his fists clenched.
That did it. That was a sore spot for Dan, and Phil knew it. It wasn’t okay. It was fine when Tyler or Louise teased him about it because they were actually friends, but Phil Lester was the furthest thing from a friend to Dan. It was kind of ironic, really. Phil had actually been Dan’s first friend at the superschool. Dan had been twelve and stupid, Phil thirteen and probably equally as stupid but they’d gotten along like a house on fire from day one. Unfortunately, it didn’t last.
After what had probably been the best year of Dan's life, Phil had become mean and snarky for no particular reason. He’d stopped hanging out with Dan at lunchtime, stopped training with him in their free time, and had moved out of their shared room. Dan still hadn't forgotten all their little inside jokes and games they used to play together, as sad as it was. It was stupid really, Phil was probably just jealous that the commander had started favouring Dan. It wasn’t Dan’s fault the commander liked him so much! He could admit that it was a little unfair how the commander would sometimes spend hours helping Dan when he wouldn’t give half as much time to others such as Phil, but he didn’t ask for that treatment! Phil was honestly the pettiest little man Dan had ever met, despite the fact that Phil was actually a grown man.
Dan teleported out of the room, not having a specific destination in mind but making sure to leave a dark mist of smoke behind him, hoping Phil would choke on it.
A second later he found himself in one of the (thankfully empty) training rooms. Good. He needed to blow off steam.
The worst thing about being a superhero wasn’t the unwanted fame, the pressure, or even the fact that Dan’s life was at risk more often than not. No, the worst thing about being a superhero was his name. Dan had worked hard for five years, learning everything a superhero needed to know, from controlling his powers to comforting victims in a panic.
His main power, (besides the ability to make any situation super awkward-perhaps not an official one) was the ability to disperse thick, black billowing smoke from his hands and use it to teleport short distances. Being extremely proud of this power, Dan had decided on a name early on: “The Billowing Smoke”. It sounded edgy, cool (like Dan pretended he was) and aroused just the right amount of intrigue. It was a pity that it was a far cry from the name he actually ended up with.
The night before graduation Tyler and Dan had decided to have a sleepover. Bad idea. By 3am, they’d ended up on Pornhub, watching a woman having her… ‘special place’ opened by a whisk. Dan had been so traumatised he’d ended up not sleeping that night, images of giant whisks invading his thoughts. Graduation morning had come, and Dan felt like shit, having only gotten two hours of uninterrupted sleep. When it was his turn to sign the scroll, permanently securing his superhero name, he hadn’t written “The Billowing Smoke” like he’d been planning to for the past five years, no. In his sleep-deprived, traumatised-by-weird-porn state he’d written: “The Billowing Whisk”.
All his fellow graduates had struggled to hold back their laughter, the bastards, even Dan’s own grandma was cracking up a little. But worst of all was Tyler Oakley, the little shit. Having chosen the respectable name of ‘The Flame-ingo’ (‘I’m a flaming homosexual figuratively and literally Dan!’), Tyler was laughing his ass off at Dan’s less fortunate name. It had taken several days of apologies, food bribes and begging for forgiveness on Tyler’s part for them to patch their friendship up.
“Oi, whisk!” someone called obnoxiously from the other room. See? A year on and the awful name was still haunting him.
“Tyler, for the millionth time, DO NOT CALL ME THAT!!!” Dan exclaimed, his voice going squeaky and high pitched from the strain.
The next moment a pink flamingo was strutting through the door into the training room Dan was in. Somehow even in flamingo form Tyler retained the same walking style.
“Never. Who would let a hero forget their origin story?” he said, standing behind Dan who was in the process of shooting smoke out of his hands.
“Tyler. That’s not my origin story. I was a normal kid who just happened to have powers and was chosen by the Supanova academy to ‘save the world’ when I can’t really. Same as everyone else’s origin story, except they actually like being superheroes.”
Tyler jumped back a little when his friend disappeared and promptly reappeared less than ten centimetres away from him, dark smoke billowing around them. Dan laughed when he saw Tyler’s reaction.
“What are you doing here anyway? I’m in the middle of training you know. And I’m mad at you. You shouldn’t have asked Lester to sit with us. You know we don’t get along.” A thick gust of smoke shot out of Dan’s hand and onto one of the practice dummies. It fell to the ground with a soft thud.
“You seriously don’t even give him a chance! He’s a lovely person. They don’t call him ‘Sunshine man’ for no reason, you know.”
Dan stared at Tyler like he was the camera from ‘The Office’. Tyler suddenly changed back to his human form and waved a judgemental hand.
“Fine! Don’t be friends with him, your loss anyway. Besides, that’s not what I came in here to talk to you about. Commander Ocean Liner asked me to come get you, he needs you in his office soon.” Tyler strung out the ‘soon’ far longer than necessary.
“Oh, great, another talk with the big guy who’s going to assign me to yet another mission that I hate.”
Dan didn’t dislike his boss by any means, it was quite the opposite in fact. He was just very, very, VERY intimidated by him. Going by the name of ‘The Ocean Liner’, the commander had been the most well-known, most powerful and most handsome hero in his time. His hero name was actually cool (unlike Dan’s), relating to his powers in quite a literal sense. He was strong (actually possessing super strength), sturdy and the carrier of many in not only an emotional but also a physical sense. He couldn’t fly, like most of the other heroes could, but boy, he could do something much weirder. He was able to morph into any different kind of boat, his favourite kind being ocean liners as he reasoned that their main purpose was to carry the weight of others- just like his was.
In addition to that, he’d founded the entire Supernova academy and agency at the age of 12. Dan still got his left and right confused at that age. He was the one who had recruited Dan, who had helped so much for all five years of training, and even though he was his boss, he felt a little like family (Dan could never say this out loud, it would be far too awkward). The Ocean Liner was retired from superheroing now, his main focus assigning missions, training superstudents and in general just keeping everything in the academy and agency running smoothly.
Dan walked out of the room, not wanting to use his flying powers unnecessarily- god forbid he be as extra as Tyler who had literally morphed himself into a flamingo just to talk to Dan- and made his way to the office.
In order to get to the office, he had to pass through several training rooms other than his own. The first he passed contained a huffing and sweating Louise (better known as ‘The Glitterbomb’) flying impressively around the room. She was abusing the prop enemies coming from every direction with innocent-enough looking sprinkles of glitter that actually peeled ten layers of human skin off per second. It was an amazing sight. By the time Dan had reached the door at the end of the room, fifty out of fifty of the enemies were melting into nothing on the ground.
“Nice one Lou!” Dan called out when he was halfway out the door.
“Thanks Dan, see you at dinner!” The woman was breathing quite heavily, but her voice still retained its characteristic perkiness.
The next room he’d walked into his balls had nearly frozen over. The entire room was covered in frost, snowflakes that Dan knew for a fact were sharper than daggers filling the air. He quickly teleported the small distance from one side of the room to the other. It was best not to get in Snowella’s way when she was training.
After going through a couple more (thankfully empty) rooms Dan was finally sitting down in one of the two chairs in front of the commander’s desk, tapping his foot nervously. He was not excited for the new mission. The commander wasn’t in the room for some reason, despite the fact he had been the one to initiate the meeting. Dan looked around the familiar room, eyeing up the seemingly endless display of awards, newspaper articles and fanmail all dedicated to The Ocean Liner. On his desk was a picture of him and his wife on their wedding day, huge smiles on their faces and all of the superheroes from the agency behind them pulling funny faces. They didn’t have any children and weren’t planning to have any either as far as Dan knew, taking care of about a hundred fully-grown children with superpowers was enough already.
Dan sat up a little straighter when he heard the door opening and the distinctive footsteps of the captain.
“Hello Dan.” the tall man greeted, sitting down on his office chair.
“Hello, Frank .” Dan replied, not even bothering to hide the grin that was overtaking his face. The commander hated it when Dan called him that name, which only spurred Dan on to use it more.
“Daniel, please do not call me that. No one’s supposed to know my real name, you need to call me commander or Ocean Liner.” The large man gave Dan a glare, but Dan saw the small smile behind it.
“Alright, commander. So what’s my mission this time?”
The commander cleared his throat. “So you may have heard of a notorious villain who goes by the name of Dr.Bickletwist. ”
Dan’s lips tightened into a thin line. Bickletwist was perhaps the most evil villain he’d ever encountered, and that was saying a lot. Money, notoriety or even revenge didn’t seem to be his motive… what he wanted was something much more sinister: babies. For the past seven years, Bickletwist had been sneaking into family houses, plucking babies from their cradles, as if they were free samples at the bread store. He couldn’t count the number of times he’d chased after Dr.Bickletwist, desperately trying to rescue the infants. He could definitely count the number of times he had succeeded, however- none. Dr.Bickletwist was fast, so fast that by the time Dan or any other hero for that matter could get to the scene of the crime the babies were long gone and the parents in tears. Dan hated him, and hated himself for not saving them.
Dan gave the commander a look as if to say, ‘Are you fucking kidding me?’.
“We’ve tracked him down.”
Dan’s stomach flipped over, he wasn’t sure if it was in excitement or dread or both. He prayed this conversation wasn’t going where he thought it was.
“Last night he struck again, as you would have heard and he got away as usual. But this time, our friend Alfie managed to throw a tracking device onto his cape before he got away.”
The commander smiled proudly.
“I’ve chosen you to go to that island, find his lair and stop him once and for all. The children, and their parents need you.”
Dan’s head was spinning, where was this coming from? He hadn’t even caught Dr.Bickletwist once! He was probably the worst person to ask to do the job.
“I-I don’t think I can.” Dan said after a moment of silence. “I’m probably the worst one of your heroes, my powers aren’t great, I’m not smart either, my-”
Dan was abruptly cut off.
“That’s a pile of bullshit. Dan, you train harder than anyone at Supernova. There’s a reason I spent so much time helping you while you were still in superschool. I saw something in you, from the very first day you were here.I know you haven’t caught Dr.Bickletwist before, but no one has. You’ve probably come the closest.”
The man gestured to a particular newspaper article on his wall, titled ‘THE CHASE IS OVER!!! OCEAN LINER DEFEATS DOOT-DOO BOY AFTER FIVE YEARS! THE WORLD IS SAFE’. A picture of a young Ocean Liner in his prime was attached, his currently semi-balding hair was actually a full head of luscious brown locks, his face a lot less wrinkly but his smile equally bright.
“I can’t tell you the number of times I wanted to give up on catching him. Doot-doo boy was awful, his name probably even more so. ‘Doot-doo boy’ is nearly as bad as ‘The Billowing Whisk’.”
Dan was getting ready to smack the commander at the last sentence.
“Anyway, I was really doubting myself, like you are right now. But I persevered, and I caught him. I’m not just saying this because you’re my friend Dan, I’m saying this because we both know how capable you are of defeating him. You’ve defeated so many other villains in your time, Bickletwist will just become another one of those.”
During the commander’s mini speech, Dan had felt himself coming closer and closer to agreeing. He was still unsure though. Bickletwist was by far the most genius, most cunning villain he’d ever known, and Dan wasn’t sure he’d be able to face him… alone, at least. Wait. If Tyler and Louise came along with him they’d be unstoppable! His friends were amazing at what they did, and being so close they’d surely be able to work well together to defeat the villain.
“Ok.” Dan said, surprising the commander and himself a little.
“I’ll do it, but only if Louise and Tyler come with me. I can’t do it alone.”
The captain’s eyes widened before a very sheepish expression appeared on his chiseled face.
“Well… about that. I’ve kind of um, already chosen someone to go on the mission with you.”
“Who? Alfie? Or Zoe? That could work I guess…” Dan said, a little disappointed.
The commander was looking at the wall behind Dan now, not making eye contact with him.
“Not exactly… Maybe it’s best I tell you both at the same time… I’ll get them now.” The Captain hesitated, before dialling a number and whispering lowly, clearly not wanting Dan to hear.
Why was he being so weird? Who could he possibly have chosen to go with Dan that he felt the need to make such a big fuss of it? Dan eyed the commander suspiciously.
“Frank. Who the fuck are you getting to come with me?”
The commander didn’t need to answer however, as the person in question had walked through the door, tall and annoying as ever.
true fact: when i was a young child, i used to ask my mom to draw cat whiskers on my face with eyeliner. the cat whiskers truly do come from within! @phanwithdogs @dreamdilddy @accio-phan
I fake-played the saxophone through sixth grade until the teacher/conductor found out and made me play for real and I honked that sax like an angry goose. Totally worth it
As a kid I loved to throw stuff out of the window. Even some toys I didn’t like much. Particularly to watch how they fall down from the 4th floor. @everythingyouthinkyouknowisalie @justbirdfurrythings @d1rtypaws
I’ve loved Winnie the Pooh for pretty much my entire life. 😊Pooh as a character is just so adorable, wholesome and pure-there’s nothing mean-spirited about him at all. I’m just naturally drawn to really sweet and friendly characters like that. ❤️
18 years ago my mum really needed to shit so she went to the toilet but instead of shit it was me who dropped out of her and into the toilet and they had to fish me out.
dededos
prguitarman
romaincrisis
gummygunk
discoholicmusic
stormborns
dailybridgerton
