Time Traveller’s Guide to:

A time hopper’s guide to all the whens and wheres of yesterday and yesteryear

[timetravellersguide]

Time Shenanigans Notice:

Time Agents! Be advised that time traveling with sailors from the USS Constitution is strictly forbidden!

Whoever keeps abducting confused seamen from the 1800’s and stranding them in the present needs to stop IMMEDIATELY!

The sailors are confused! They are annoyed! They are refusing to go back to their own time period and we don’t know what to do about it!

The first time it happened in 1907, we took steps to transform their beloved old Ironsides into a ‘museum ship’. We told the public it would be staffed by ‘modern sailors’ with ‘historical uniforms’. In reality, only half of the sailors aboard were born in the modern era. The whole ruse existed just to give these time-lost sailors a familiar berth.

Happily for us, it worked! It kept them concealed, but comfortable. It afforded them the dignity they deserve as Navy personnel, despite all their contracts expiring a century ago.

We all agreed that this would be a temporary measure, just until we got them back to their own time. Now imagine our horror when MORE sailors kept showing up!!

We currently have 75 officers and enlisted serving aboard the USS Constitution; we can barely keep track of what era they are all from anymore. Some of them think we’re still fighting the War of 1812, some of them are trying to finish the 1840’s World Cruise, some are baby-faced Millenials…it’s just a MESS.

We are still struggling to get them all home, but that’s a challenge too…wormy hardtack and dying of syphilis don’t really compare to modern MREs and not dying of syphilis.

Please, whoever is doing this…please stop.

V/r,

Agent Kay

Old Ironsides Crew

Are there any rarely seen U.S. military uniforms?

Anthony O Hughes's answer: Probably the rarest uniforms in the entire U.S. military are the ceremonial naval uniforms worn by the crew of th

[timetravellersguide]

Extinction Notice:

As of 1919, the adorable and very huggable Fugain Dog is officially extinct. Time Agents looking to adopt one of these warm and cuddly living scarves need to visit the Yahgan people of South America PRIOR to 1919.

Keep in mind, these are NOT typical dogs, which are descended from grey wolves. These fuzzy friends are descended from the culpeo, also called the Andean fox or the zorro. Paradoxically, they are neither true foxes nor do any of them wear tiny masks and fight crime.

At the very least, will one of the Agents responsible for the 1800’s please make sure that we preserve at least ONE decent taxidermy specimen of the Fuegian Dog before they go extinct? The current selection is…less than ideal.

V/r,

Agent Kay

Of the many members of the family Canidae, why were grey wolves the only species to become domesticated?

Gary Meaney's answer: Actually, they weren’t. Meet the late Fuegian dog: Despite its name, this was no dog. Rather, it was a domesticated f

[timetravellersguide]

Timeline Contamination Warning:

Attention all Time Agents! The purported ‘Mrs Tea’ tea maker formerly sold by Mr Coffee is NOT from our timeline! If you see one, DESTROY IT ON SIGHT!

We believe this tea-making abomination originated in a timeline where the USA lost the Revolutionary War. In that timeline, coffee bean imports were taxed to death, both to bolster British tea sales and to squash patriotic fervor. The coffee industry never recovered.

It appears that a working Mrs Tea unit from that unholy timeline was planted in a Health-O-Meter development laboratory by nefarious time criminals.

Well-intentioned Mr Coffee employees reproduced the design and sold THOUSANDS of copies, contaminating our timeline all throughout the mid 1990’s!

Thankfully, by 1998 the Time Agency had halted production and purged as many units as possible, but we have reason to believe that additional units are still lurking in pantries and cabinets across the US. The investigation is ongoing.

Anyone who might have information related to this case should contact Agent X immediately.

REMEMBER! If you see a Mrs Tea unit, destroy it IMMEDIATELY. Timeline hygiene is everyone’s responsibility.

V/r,

Agent Kay

The tragic story of Mrs. Tea, Mr. Coffee’s brand companion

Learn about the discontinued female companion to Mr. Coffee. Her name was Mrs. Tea.

[zsl-edge-of-existence]

The saola is a large bovid that was only discovered by Western science in 1992, when a hunter in Vietnam gave a biologist a strange skull with two long, straight horns.  Since then, sightings and encounters with this animal have been few and far between; it was first photographed in the wild in 1999, and the few animals captured alive by locals have all died within a few weeks.  The saola’s rarity and elusiveness have caused it to be nicknamed “The Asian unicorn”.

[timetravellersguide]

Timely Reminder:

Any Time Agents traveling to eras prior to 1992 are reminded to play dumb regarding the saola. You’ve never heard of it, you’ve never seen one, comprende?

Obviously, it is also inappropriate to mention the biological link between saola and actual unicorns. Unicorns won’t be discovered until 2048, so keep it QUIET.

V/r,

Agent Kay

[timetravellersguide]

Timely Notice:

The management office wants to clarify that Agent X’s ghostly, nearly transparent 1940 Pontiac touring sedan is definitely NOT the famously missing Ghost Pontiac.

Absolutely not. Definitely not the Ghost.

Definitely a different car. Besides, Agent X’s Pontiac has glowing Neothane tires, and the missing vehicle’s tires are white.

Now, management would appreciate it if we could all stop calling the police to report the rediscovery of a long lost auto icon.

These reports are unsubstantiated and hurtful. So hurtful, in fact, that every time the cops show up Agent X has to abruptly leave work for a mental health day.

We will just have get comfortable with the fact that, while the breathtaking 1940 Ghost Pontiac may never be found, it is surely in the hands of someone who loves it. Maybe even someone who tenderly washes it with ammonia-free cleaner in the Time Agency parking lot every Friday afternoon. Maybe.

The wild "Ghost" Pontiac embodies the spirit of 1939's New York World's Fair

Most gearheads remember 1939's New York World's Fair for GM's wild "Futurama" exhibit. How about this see-through Pontiac, bodied exclusivel

V/r,

Agent Kay

[timetravellersguide]

Timely Fashion Advisory:

Did you know that sweatpants were invented just around a decade after the Titanic sank?

Émile Camuset created them in the early 1920’s for his sports equipment company, the Le Coq Sportif. By the 1932 Olympic Games, sweatpants were everywhere!

Worn by icons like Eddie Tolan, legendary track and field sprinter and the first Black athlete to win two Olympic gold medals:

And the unstoppable Babe Didrikson Zaharias, a sporting polymath who excelled at track and field events, basketball, baseball and golf. She also took home two gold medals in 1932.

Sweatpants’ popularity exploded during the 1960’s fitness boom, and they’ve lived rent free in our closets and hearts ever since.

A hundred years after their invention, let’s celebrate our humble sweatpants!

Iconic. Comfortable. Highlighting assets while covering a multitude of sins.

V/r,

Agent Kay

[timetravellersguide]

Unforgotten Event Notice:

After decades of darkness, a spark of interest!

The tragic story of the SS Eastland has been liberated from the dark annals of forgotten history by an intrepid scholar!

Three cheers for Ask a Mortician! HUZZAH!!!

V/r,

Agent Kay

[timetravellersguide]

Timely Reminder:

In 1981 the US government had 560 million pounds of cheese stored in 150 warehouses and caves around the country!

The program owner, Commodity Credit Corporation (CCC), offered each state 30 million pounds of cheese for welfare, Social Security and food stamp recipients. Many tons went toward school lunch programs.

This Tuesday, time travellers of all types are advised to stop off in the 80’s and enjoy a 5 lb brick of the most generic cheese in existence.

SURPLUS CHEESE GOES TO POOR AS PRESIDENT SIGNS FARM BILL (Published 1981)

SURPLUS CHEESE GOES TO POOR AS PRESIDENT SIGNS FARM BILL (Published 1981)

V/r,

Agent Kay

[timetravellersguide]

Health Alert:

This is a health warning for Time Agents visiting soda fountains and apothecaries between 1868-1930! Be extremely cautious!

While citric acid is a safe food additive in some eras, from the Reconstruction era through the Great Depression it contains dangerous quantities of LEAD.

In this era, citric acid is made in containers sealed with lead soldering, which would probably be fine if the acid itself wasn’t made from concentrated lemon juice.

Now I know…the urge to hop to 1890’s and enjoy a tart lemon soda at a Victorian era chemist’s counter is overwhelming. But!! There are safer, sanity-saving alternatives.

Instead of taking chances with citric acid, consider a sparkling phosphate soda! Delicious, tangy and completely free of toxic metals. You’ll be saying, “Yum!” instead of dying prematurely of kidney damage and nervous system derangement.

Phosphate sodas are this era’s safe sipping choice! Now, don’t be afraid of the chemically sounding name, this is nearly the same harmless phosphoric acid found in modern Coca Cola, balsamic vinegar and pickles! It will not erode your bones!

Try a tasty hot or cold phosphate soda in all the popular flavors of the era:

- Lemon

- Cherry

- Chocolate

- Angostura

- Egg

Thank you, and be safe!

V/r,

Agent Kay

Lemon Phosphate Soda - Art of Drink

What was the first soda ever made? If newspaper articles from the early 1800s were right, it was the lemon soda.

[timetravellersguide]

Attention Time Agents:

It has come to our attention that certain individuals have been using their time travel privileges for ‘personal projects’.

(i.e. growing bonsai trees in outrageously photogenic places for future Instagram clout)

This is NOT an appropriate use of agency resources! Beside the wasted time jumps, what are the original timeline inhabitants going to think? That fairies are real? That life is infinitely more delicate and resilient than the human mind can comprehend?? Absolutely NOT.

Unapproved escapades like these can lead to aesthetic confusion among local populations and possible discovery of the Agency.

Do NOT let it happen again!

Fairy Lake Bonsai Tree

Defying all odds, this lonely little tree found a home on a log sticking out of a Canadian lake.

V/r,

Agent Kay

[vintageeveryday]

In 1915, ocean travelers who must have a horse-back ride before breakfast, were accommodated on the Cunard liner Franconia. The gymnasium of that boat was equipped with several trotters, all run by little electric motors which were adjustable to produce any gait from a canter to a wild gallop. Side saddles for ladies are provided, in addition to the regulation Western saddle with high horn, which was convenient for the rider who has had too little experience with high spirited horses. The apparatus was composed of an ordinary gymnasium “horse” on a special pedestal with a special riding saddle, operated by a motor through an eccentric arm. The gait of the mock animal was adjusted by changing the speed of the motor through a rheostat and by lengthening or shortening the eccentric arm. The device has proved so popular that it has been installed on other ships of the same line and was beginning to usurp the popularity formerly enjoyed by other gymnasium equipment.

[timetravellersguide]

Time Agents traveling to the 1910’s are reminded that while similar mechanical horseback riding machines are available aboard the R.M.S Titanic, we do not recommend booking a ticket if your only goal is to ride the robot horsey.

The Franconia is a much less controversial choice, tickets are cheaper, and the side effects of missing your return time jump window are infinitely less grim.

V/r,

Agent Kay

[timetravellersguide]

Time Shenanigans Notice:

To whichever Time Agent keeps trolling historians with, “Yes! We Have No Bananas”, CUT IT OUT.

It has popped up way too many times, it is NOT a coincidence!

It wasn’t funny when the original showed up in 1923.

It wasn’t funny when protesters sang it during the Outdoor Relief Protests in Belfast in 1932.

It wasn’t funny when people memed it in the 1940’s as a WWII rationing slogan.

It still wasn’t funny when it became an Satanist-anarchist symbol in 2041.

If it pops up one more time, strict disciplinary sanctions will occur! Do NOT lose your time travel privileges over this meme!

V/r,

Agent Kay

[timetravellersguide]

Medical Alert:

All time travellers heading to 1896 should be advised that just because X-ray technology EXISTS, does not mean it has been PERFECTED.

Yes, this fascinating new technology was rolled out for patient use remarkably quickly. No, that will NOT spare you a great deal of the old poke-and-hope method of finding your shrapnel and sneakily concealed bullet fragments if you should wind up hosting them.

Please see the attached case study for details:

A tale of two inventions

In my last post I wrote about an impressive operation performed in 1888 by the American surgeon George Ryerson Fowler, who successfully remo

http://www.thomas-morris.uk/a-tale-of-two-inventions/

[timetravellersguide]

{{Two NASA-caliber nerds make eternal vows in front of a spaceship while Star Wars plays in the background}}

Marrying the love of your life in front of an honest to goodness spaceship while the Star Wars soundtrack plays in the background. Even after all my years of time travel, this wedding holds a place in my nerdy heart

[timetravellersguide]

Welcome to the Time Traveller’s Guide! Your handy one-stop shop for all the resources you need to make your next hop, skip or jump through history a success!

I will be your guide, Agent Kay. Let me know if there is anything I can help you with!