My ex partner, after 8 years together, told me one night that they just weren't in love with me, and that my presence didn't make them happy anymore. Overnight, my entire world was turned upside down.
I lost half of my friendship group, had to find myself a place to live (in the last few days before the rental crisis really ramped up), and pack my entire life up, including disentangling 8 years worth of stuff we had jointly accumulated. We'd had a commitment ceremony just under 2 years prior. They broke this news to me the day after our cat went missing (correctly presumed deceased due to medical issues), and 3 days before what would have been the 2 year anniversary of our ceremony, 8 years of being together in total. And this was 3 weeks before Christmas.
Even with this proverbial rug ripped out from underneath me, I somehow got through. I didn't miss any work, although for those first few days I'm not sure how productive I was. I kept seeing the friends that stood by me, that picked me up. The ones who helped me move my stuff out when my ex partner and housemate did not assist me at all.
For close to 2 years now I have been working through things, trying to find out who I actually am. Sure I'd been single for a long time before we were together. But I had never lived alone. Never been truly independent, with space to figure things out without some sort of domestic support system in place.
I've struggled, there's no denying that. I currently have a chunk of bad debt I'm trying to clear as best I can, because when you live alone and don't have anyone else, that's when predatory loans get you. But I'm fixing that. I'm also fixing things about my personality and ways I previously interacted with people, and how I would express my emotions. I'm trying to take opportunities, and do things that scare me.
Throughout all of this, I have had a core group of friends that helped get me through. The ones above who helped me move, who would force me out of my house when I had been insulating myself and not seeing anyone except workmates for weeks at a time. One of them even eventually came and lived in my little apartment with me. Although she is moving out next month to live with her boyfriend.
One of them in particular, I found myself becoming closer with, initially just physically as we both had our long term relationships end around the same time. We took comfort in each other, trusted each other with some pretty heavy subjects. I'd always had a bit of a crush on him, but those feelings developed more and more.
This week I told him how I truly felt, even though the thought of rejection and getting hurt terrified me. Scared as I was, I honestly thought he felt at least somewhat the same, at least enough to try out an actual relationship.
What I got instead was "You are one of my favourite people, and I love you so much. I just don't see you as a romantic partner". I'm not mad at him, he hasn't done anything wrong, and I do still love him with all my heart as a friend. What I am is sad. Sad that I've been hit with "just" again.
turnnoffyourmind
yousharknotpass
dededos
andulkaphoto
origamiaround
