I didn't want to lose the snippet from the batfam story I'm working on so I figured I'd post it here so it wouldn't be lost in my WIP folder. Chaotic dinner scene that I ended up gutting and shortening for chapter length is below.
The double doors to the dining room swung open just as Dick and Bruce stepped inside, and for one blissful second there was silence before the room erupted like a zoo at feeding time.
“Jason, I swear by all that is holy, if you steal food off my plate one more time I will stab you with my fork,” Tim said without looking up, handbook of evidence markers open beside his mashed potatoes.
“I wasn’t stealing.” Jason replied, already chewing. “I was redistributing resources.”
“Redistributing resources doesn’t involve your entire hand on my plate!”
“Boys.” Bruce tried, with the weary tone of a man who knew better.
Damian spoke over him anyway. “If anyone is redistributing resources it is Todd’s metabolism. His caloric requirements are..”
“None of your business, Gremlin,” Jason shot back.
“Language,” Alfred warned from the head of the table without raising his voice, and somehow both men stiffened in synchronized childhood trauma.
At the far end of the table, Cassandra silently slid the last roll toward Stephanie in a peace-offering gesture.
Stephanie took it, viciously victorious. “Ha! I told you all, Cass would save me from starvation. She’s the only one here who loves me.”
“That's not true.” Dick said automatically, taking his seat. “I love you.”
Steph grinned. “Only because I bring pastries.”
“I’d love you even if you didn’t,” Dick said, then leaned in and added in a whisper, “but please keep bringing pastries.”
Bruce cleared his throat pointedly, and everyone straightened in their seats for a grand total of three seconds before the chaos resumed.
Cass tapped the table twice and pointed at Dick’s face - her silent question, You okay?
Dick gave her a small nod and a quick half-smile. Later, the look said.
She nodded once and returned to her plate.
Across the table, Damian set his utensils down with deliberate force and addressed Dick formally, like he was announcing a royal edict.
“Grayson.”
Dick blinked. “Yes, Dami?”
“I will accompany you in your dealings with Wilson.”
Dick fought the urge to groan. “Buddy…”
“This is not up for negotiation,” Damian said, chin lifting. “You are more tolerable when I am present to regulate your impulsive decision-making.”
Jason choked on his water. “Oh my god did he just call you stupid with SAT vocabulary.”
Tim didn’t even look up. “Regulate is a GRE word, actually.”
“Children,” Alfred said sharply.
All voices cut off like a switch had been thrown.
Even Bruce sat straighter.
Alfred set a dish of roasted vegetables on the table with ceremonial precision and gave them all a single sweeping look that conveyed both disappointment and fondness.
“We do not,” he said, “threaten to stab one another, insult one another’s intelligence, or engage in attempted food theft or warfare before dessert.”
“Am I allowed to insult their intelligence after dessert?” Jason asked.
“No.”
“What if it’s accurate?” Damian tried to reason.
“No.”
“But what if—”
“Master Damian.” Alfred said, tone final.
Damian closed his mouth with a glare towards Jason.
Steph raised her hand. “Is stealing rolls allowed if it’s part of a socio-political rebellion from the burnout of academia and the harshness of one's reality?”
“No.”
Steph scowled and bit into her roll anyway.
“What do you have to rebel about anyhow, your sorority spent the entirety of last semester making cookies for a bake sale.”
Stephanie threw her half eaten roll at Damian. “Are you snooping on my instagram!”
“Someone has to make sure you aren’t wasting your academic career on frivolous pursuits.” Damian finished shoving the roll back towards Stephanie.
Stephanie narrowed her eyes. ‘Oh, I’m sorry, Your Royal Edginess, I didn’t realize that your personal brand was monitoring my social media like a divorced dad who just discovered TikTok.”
Jason let out a barking laugh. “She’s got you there, Demon Brat.”
“I am neither divorced nor a dad, Todd.” Damian growled, personally offended. “Brown represents the Wayne name when she is on campus. I am merely making sure she doesn’t sully it.”
“You could just say you’re worried like a normal person.” Jason suggested and reached forward to try and muss up Damian’s hair, delighting in the growl from the younger teen.
Tim reached across the table and grabbed Damian’s plate, sliding it closer to Jason as a sacrifice offering “Jason, here, distract yourself with yams and stop provoking him.”
“I wasn’t provoking him.” Jason said, spearing a yam. “He provokes me by existing.”
“Both of you behave.” Dick said with a warning glance.
Damian huffed and stole his plate back. “I was perfectly civil until Brown assaulted me with carbohydrates.”
Bruce exhaled, the corners of his mouth twitching upward. If one looked carefully, very carefully, it might even have been a smile. He’d never be one to admit but the chaos before him was welcomed.
“Great.” Stephanie muttered looking towards Cass with a roll of her eyes. “I injured Gotham’s smallest warlord with gluten. Cass, my name is ruined, I’ll never recover.”
“Enough.” Bruce finally intervened, raising a hand business tone beginning to inch in. “We need to review the…”
He didn’t get any further, as if summoned by the mere suggestion of Bat Business, Alfred appeared at his side. His voice was mild, his eyes were not. “No vigilante business is to be conducted at the dinner table.”
Bruce closed his mouth.
Tim smothered a snort while Stephanie leaned into Cass’s shoulder and whispered a wah-wah-waaa.
Bruce tried again, clearing his throat. “Alfred this involves-...”
“Matters,” Alfred cut in smoothly, “which will still be there after you have all finished a proper meal like human beings and not feral jackals.”
Jason raised his hand. “Counterpoint, we are feral jackals.”
“Master Jason.” Alfred said, placing a fresh basket of rolls in the center of the table. “If you would like your portion of dessert reduced, I am more than happy to oblige.”
Jason snapped upright. “Retracted. Fully retracted. Thank you, Alfred, for your wise words and generosity.”
