Finding. Me. @to-be-man-made - Tumblr Blog

Is I bad that I just want someone to see it and ask if I’m okay or how I’m doing, even though I know I’ll just lie..?

I MISS OLD TUMBLR

When people say shit About getting headaches too. Or how they don’t understand how someone could call out of work for a “headache” or some other shit just showing they don’t understand...

It just proves how much they really don’t understand. Not saying the headaches you get don’t hurt or poor me...

I just woke up from a nap that finally gave me some relief from the headache that was so strong I don’t really remember all day prior to waking up from that nap..and it’s currently 5:30pn..

Yay🙃😂

#FuckChiari #chiari malformation #medicationphobia #anxiety #chronic pain

black-culture

Yeah sex is cool but have you ever been on tumblr before December 17 2018?

too-haught-haught-damn

cloudvelundr

I’ve been seeing a lot of threat posts lately and honestly? Fuck that shit. People could have made nice posts but no - y’all gotta go and give people anxiety. No-one needs to reblog bupkis.

I just want to be normal again.

I’m tired of being tired.

I’m tired of going to bed thinking about every second of the day that just happened and the days to come.

I’m tired of how my brain never shuts off..but also never really runs right.

I don’t want this to be my “normal”

I miss going out. I miss feeling like a human. I fucking miss the fuck outta drag shows and gay bars. I guess shockingly enough (even tho I don’t want to admit it..) that kinda also says I miss college.🤦🏼‍♂️😱

Like I miss all these things but I’m definitely not strong enough to fight the demons that hold me back..

I just have such a hard time understanding how I can feel everything and nothing at once.. like empty but also overwhelmed

Here’s one I never thought I’d say..

I’m getting kinda tired of my whole feed being porn 😂

I’m actually terrified of who I’ve become.

And I don’t know how to fix it.

There are some days I literally don’t know who I am. It’s like some days I dig deeper into mussels vs the majority of the days where I line just exist.

Do you ever think about being normal..?

I know I know.. no one’s normal..

But like 90% of people in my life I would consider to be normal.. even the people who think they have the craziest lives.. normal..

I wonder what it’s like to be normal all the time.. maybe it’s just like I’m throwing my own little pity party with myself over here..but like.. just to have a day, even a few hours, of normal I’d do anything to just get a taste of it..

Maybe I should get back to seeing a counselor..🤷🏼‍♂️

#late night thoughts #I’m not normal #transguy #Chiari malformation

anxietyproblem

to-be-man-made

I’m sure it was before 12..but yeah 😂😂

Damn Y’all

Yooo..so I just realized I’ve been so MIA from here that my bio hasn’t been updated in like 2.5 years 😂

So, I fucked myself over..

So last night I made the discovery that I was so dreadfully “waiting?” for. I say waiting like that cause it’s not like I was eager for it, more so, I realistically knew it was going to happen sooner or later. Even though I was really hoping for later. I’ve fucked my self. I’ve left mental illness go untreated for so long it continues to progress. Which makes it harder to conquer.

You see, on Sept. 11th, 2019 I injected my IM testosterone shot..probably late as usual. I was so eager to start the Xyosted subQ autoinjector..it was supposed to make my life easier. Shots easier. Levels more consistent. Faster. More convenient...everything..buuut..there’s always a but. Usually quite literally with ftm guys doing IM shots😂

Today is January 5th, 2020. Late in the day almost the next, but still the 5th. That shot in September was my last. Preferably and most likely NOT forever..but who knows for how long. And last night, it finally caught up with me.

Last night, I started bleeding. I guess I really thought it just wasn’t going to happen. I thought I was invincible and I wasn’t like everyone else. I know it sounds like some crazy stupid teenager talking about getting pregnant, doing drugs, or drinking and driving..but let’s be real, 3 years on T, I’m not actually 23..I’m closer to the stupid teenager in it’s own sense.

I really don’t even know how I feel about it. And I sure as hell don’t know how to express it.

But why did it happen? Why was September the last? Why don’t we know when the next will be? Is it money..Drs..health..by choice..or by accident maybe? Nope. I suck. That’s the way I like to put it. Mental illness sucks.

See, I don’t know the exact diagnosis because honestly it’s basically self-diagnosed..but also dr mentioned. It’s just not diagnosed on paper. I’ve got some serious health/medication phobia going on. And it’s definitely ruining me. I’ve gained new (real) health diagnoses over the last year. They’re new, ever changing, and always kinda scary. I can’t bring myself to take meds for them. My anxiety? LITERALLY RUINING MY LIFE. I’m constantly letting my girl down because I can’t stand to leave the house..can’t take meds for that. It’s the shittiest cycle. Have anxiety about meds? Take meds for anxiety...doesn’t work out too well.

Because of the med phobia I couldn’t bring myself to start the Xyosted that was supposed to be a game changer. Saw the doc, he prescribed Lexapro for the med phobia..haven’t taken it..almost 3 months later. He mentioned how he was surprised I hadn’t had break through bleeding considering it’d already been almost a month since my last shot. That, I thought, was going to be enough to get me back to doing shots..whether it be an incentive or scare me enough either way I’d take it. Another few weeks go by, I contact the office asking for my vial and needle script back cause I really want to avoid the bleeding. I hoped that maybe once getting my shot in and starting that lexapro I could bring myself to switch to the Xyosted.

Long story short..2 months shy of hitting my 3 yr..was the last time I did a shot..which now makes me almost 4 months off T. And I can’t figure out how I feel about it. My uterus has probably never hated me as much as it does right now. I feel de-masculinized..but also not at the same time. I feel fake. But I feel strong. I feel like I’ve got this crazy secret while also feeling like everyone around knows at the same time. I just don’t know..

End rant..I think...for now😂 Literally wearing a diaper cause uteri can be dramatic 😂

#transguy #ftm #dysphoria #menhaveperiodstoo #testosterone #offT #mentalillness #medication #medicationphobia #healthphobia #anxiety #fucked

radicalanarchism

A local chef, who had his food handler's license was raided by a dozen cops and health department officials who stole all of his equipment because he fed the homeless without a proper permit.

Decatur, IL — A kind and loving local chef woke up Tuesday morning to a dozen cops and health department officials raiding his home. Khemuel “Chef” Sanders had his business shut down, all of his equipment stolen by the state, and his life ruined because he made food in his home to give to the homeless.

Unfortunately, in the land of the free, it is against the law to help others or try to make a dollar without first paying the government for the privilege of doing so. While the state will claim this is for the safety of others who may consume the food, the reality is that it is a revenue generation scheme.

To be clear, Sanders is a licensed food handler. He paid the government for the privilege to handle food, however, he was doing it in a manner which they disapproved.

If not for the state who will feed the homeless…

nico-nico-nwo

I think the response was excessive too, but consider for a second outside your “Omagod the STATE is EVIL and wants OUR MONEY” echo box that there are cases of people feeding homeless poisoned food and assholes purposely trying to kill them off is a real thing.

If you want to feed a larger group of them, invite them to a buffet or something and if you are a licensed chef with a business you can hold a dinner event and get the same effect.

radicalanarchism

Can you show me all these so called cases of people poisoning the homeless?

Just curious? Because there is this.

“Many communities will cite a desire to ensure that food that is shared is prepared according to certain food preparation standards, but there is no documented cases of food poisoning coming from food that is shared with hungry people in public places,” National Coalition for the Homeless Interim Director Megan Hustings told Newsweek.