[allchellies]

i’m wheezing at all the comments on this video. thousands of men thirsting over our baby goat

[mitrakats]

i do nawt play abt kataang

[marsipanart]

Trying to fix my values and threw a few Zukka in there 🫢

[jamjoob]

Gelphie Fanzine preorders open 💚🩷

Thank u @wickedshipzine for trusting me w the cover & I hope u all enjoy the 30+ artists & writers beautiful work inside :]

︵‿₊ link ₊‿︵

[marsipanart]

my shaylas <333

[hijkio]

Zuko

[soncee]

Mommy Katara

[lavenderprose]

There exists a video somewhere of Shane Hollander standing in the parking garage of Censplex wearing a backwards snapback and althetic shorts with an inseam that is probably quite literally just listed as 'slut' on the tag as he stares down whoever is holding the camera. In his hands is a beautiful and perfectly spherical watermelon. In his eyes there is nothing.

"You want me to do what?" he asks.

"Crush it," says Harris, too loud and close to the camera.

"Like, with my hands?"

"The challenge is to do it with your thighs."

Shane, his face and his watermelon do not move.

"It's for charity."

Smash cut to Shane sitting on a parking block, face bright red as he reroutes every bit of strength in his entire body towards his thighs. He is utterly silent, straining, and he only makes a sound when the watermelon finally gives up and crumples under the onslaught.

The sound he makes is high, long and deeply inappropriate. It also echoes throughout the entire parking garage for what seems to be a preternaturally long time.

"What the fuck is--" Ilya, who heard that shit through an open window all the way in the team offices, careens out of the propped-open side door just in time to see his husband bite a hunk of watermelon from the dripping remnants. There is juice on his thighs.

"Hey," Shane says, and then squints at the camera, deadpan once again. "I nominate Ilya Rozanov for the watermelon crushing challenge. Or whatever."

Harris, luckily, has a second melon handy.

[daybreak993]

He’s so danmei

[theaterkid13]

cens after a game: hey we're going for drinks! rozy you in?

roz: of course! lemme just slip into something more comfortable at home and i'll meet you guys there

*about an hour later*

roz: hey guys! i'm here! ik you missed me :)

bood: didn't you say you needed to slip into something more comfortable? you're wearing the same clothes as before?

roz: oh but i did, clothes nearest were just more convenient didn't want to be too late

team: ??

roz: 😏☺️😛

[itsbatkingcazzle]

My new favorite heated rivalry headcanon is Cliff having a bisexual awakening caused by Shane. Cliff is trying to be supportive of Ilya and is acting with Ilya like he would've during any other of Ilya's significant others, meaning toeing the line between douchey/gross and semi-respectful. So he's all ears when it comes to Ilya's sex life, teases Ilya about Shane, listens to Ilya talk about Shane's body, makes very crude jokes, etc. But along the way he starts to truly hear what Ilya says about Shane, what their sex life is like, and his body, and it clicks for him that he finds everything just as appealing as if it would be a woman. He suddenly sees Shane in a new light and realizes how hot he is, not I-can-admit-he's-a-good-looking-man hot, but I-would-sleep-with-him hot. He hears about whatever Shane and Ilya did during sex recently and he realizes most of it sounds enjoyable. He once sees a nude Shane sent Ilya and he gets so horny he actually feels guilty for thirsting over Ilya's man. So it dawns on him that he's in his early thirties and he just figured out he's bisexual. And by god, does he immediately get down to business.

[notahungrywish]

Hear me out: what if Shane was the one who tried to get Ilya to do an open relationship in TLG?

Obviously Ilya tragically attempting to please his bf and keep him happy by telling him to fuck other people is already excellent whumpy goodness BUT

Imagine Shane’s deep insecurity born from knowing he was never enough for Ilya and desperation to compete with all the other women Ilya openly fucked and the shame of knowing he MUST have done something wrong for Ilya to have just ghosted him for so long after they hit it the first time culminating in Shane trying to pretend he’s okay with Ilya sleeping with other people.

Ilya finally realizing how deeply he fucked Shane up by conditioning him to accept that he would never be enough for Ilya. That all his little comments and digs and fuckboy games actually landed and Shane really didn’t understand or believe he’s enough for him. Even though they’re dating and in love. Even though Ilya assumed Shane must at this point know how mind numbingly absurdly ruined him for everyone else good Shane is.

Maybe instead of Shane actually pitching it to Ilya he just casually references the other women he assumes Ilya is still seeing, or makes some comment in bed begging Ilya to tell him he’s his favorite and then apologizes after because “sorry I know that’s needy it was the heat of the moment I know you love me I just get jealous sometimes”.

Just Shane casually assuming he’ll always have to share and never be enough for Ilya and Ilya horrified to realize just how resigned Shane is to assuming Ilya will never be satisfied with him the way Shane is with Ilya.

[escapepodding]

After Hollanov are out I want Shane to get the reputation of the greatest lay in North America. Like, its Helen of Troy and Shane Hollander, hand in hand bewitching people. Ilya may be Russia and the MLH's Greatest Love Machine, but Shane's dick got that man moving to Ottawa. I want the insane money Boston offered to get Ilya to stay leaked and everyone looking at Shane like 👁👄👁

People staring at Shane in the streets like Aphrodite walked past and Ilya is so mad because HE was the one who laid down mad pipe so good Shane married HIM. (He is that good but Ilya got him so there stop staring!)

[finelytaylored]

“can’t believe you treat your gf like this Hollander 😔” has me crying lmao please someone write this

[gffa]

I desperately need more fics that focus on people's surprise that Shane Hollander, Mr. Polite Canadian with his Media Perfect Smile and Practiced Bland Answers and Good Sportsmanship and Sweetheart "Let's Go!" Cheer when he beat Scott and Ilya's time at All-Stars, to realize that the real Shane's vocabulary is literally 30% the word "fuck". "Fuck you", "fuck off", "you fucking moron", "I fucking hate you", "this fucking guy", "go fuck yourself", "are you fucking kidding me", "I will fucking kill you, motherfucker", "fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!" are all things he will say within 45 minutes of showing up to practice. I need more fics of everyone being a little shellshocked about just how much Shane Hollander swears and meanwhile Ilya is just laughing in the background because he told people Shane swore like a sailor and nobody believed him until now.

[gaynehollander]

Can you imagine how angry Ilya "Summer Before" Rozanov was when he heard about Shane's own teammates accusing him of throwing a game against him? Sure, the idea that Shane would need to throw a game in order for him to win is offensive in and of itself but the notion that Shane Hollander would voluntarily lose at a fucking egg and spoon race, never mind a deciding Playoffs game is so beyond insulting that it cannot be borne. They all suddenly think of him in a binary, sort him in his mind as "Shane before Ilya" and "Shane after Ilya", view them as two separate people and it's ludicrous because none of them have ever even met a Shane Hollander before Ilya Rozanov. Before Shane's skates ever touched NHL ice, he touched Ilya. Before the puck hit the back of the net on his first NHL goal, his cock hit the back of Ilya's throat and he's not allowed to tell them that?? What do you mean???

[academicblorbo]

Yuna and David asking about the timeline of their relationship would have been even funnier if, after discussing how long they've been "lovers":

Yuna: ok, so you've been "seeing" each other for 9 years... And when did you confess your real feelings and decided to be together?

Shane:

Ilya:

Yuna:

David:

Shane:

Ilya: like, today at 4am