todaystanya

my honest thoughts and ramblings

[todaystanya]

HAPPY.

What a feeling!

What! A! Feeling!

Wow. I’m slightly overwhelmed.

Today, for the first time in a long, long time, I felt genuinely happy.

I’ve been visiting family and friends this week and for the most part it’s been all nice and good to catch up with them. Oftentimes though, and this happens mostly with my family members, I feel extremely awkward, self-conscious and antisocial. The reason behind that is that I’m barely given the opportunity to talk. And the reasons behind that are that a) 90% of their conversation is small-town talk, gossip if you will and it’s about people I don’t know and b) nobody ever asks me any questions.

Thus, I seem to be a shy, antisocial, boring kid who barely speaks, but actually that’s not the case! At all! I find myself to be rather interesting, with many stories to tell and can be very chatty if given the right company.

And it’s not like I don’t try to join in on the conversation. I ask many a question. Often enough I’ll get a decent answer and so I’ll at least know a bit more, but still not enough to join in.

So, since I’ve been spending most of my time here with these people, I’ve been feeling annoyed, bored and occasionally even enraged by the lack of communication (or even the attempt at it - from their side) and thus, kind of a bit down.

When I spend time with my friends however, it’s mostly fine. Then again, since it’s been quite a while since I’ve seen them, it’s difficult to find a rhythm to our conversations and I, more often than not, feel slightly tense, nervous or awkward, because I either don’t know what to say or the conversation is staying on a very superficial level. Which it shouldn’t really, because we’ve been friends for years and we SHOULD be able to talk about more than boys (ugh, I’m still not out to lots of people) and high school drama.

There have been moments where I’ve been able to relax and be myself and not have to think too much about what I’m saying, but just to let the conversation flow, be that as it may, these have unfortunately been too few and far between.

As you can see, conversation and communication is very important to me. I’m such a Gemini.

Anyways.

Tonight I was invited to a going-away dinner for one of my oldest friends who’s going away to university tomorrow. Her parents were there as well as her younger sister, her maternal grandparents and another elderly lady who’s almost like her grandmother. Amidst such a familial gathering I was honoured to be invited as well.

Also, today was the first day that there was a noticeable autumn chill in the air. It rained a bit and I had to wear more than one layer to keep warm. First time in ages!

Back to dinner. As I was sitting with such a lovely group of people, eating a hearty stew, homemade mashed potatoes and Yorkshire pudding, drinking red wine, wrapped in my cozy oversized new flannel, knowing it’s chilly outside, conversing about everything and nothing, laughing, joking, telling stories, asking questions, being genuinely interested and listening to each other’s tales, being neither the centre of attention nor feeling left out, silently judged or awkward in any which way, I felt something I hadn’t felt in absolute ages.

HAPPY.

And as sappy as it sounds, it felt warm and sweet as honey and like home and just so, so good, I could barely believe it.

I instantly realised it too. I knew this wasn’t just a fleeting feeling of sudden exhilaration or adrenaline or superficial contentedness. This was, in its truest and most genuine form, happiness. Astonishingly, it lasted for hours! And it felt so different to what I usually describe as happiness. 

Sure, I was happy when I saw my favourite band live from the first row and when I got an awesome job on a great new TV show and when I basically got a promotion three days into the job and when I group-skyped some friends back in Europe who I hadn’t seen in almost eight months, but like I stated earlier; tonight felt different.

It amazes me how something so simple - good company, good food, good conversation - made me feel so unbelievably happy. I had to sit there for a moment to process what I was feeling.

Now that I think of it, I think I’ve found the difference in these two forms of happiness I’ve described. The kind I felt tonight… I didn’t force it upon myself. It came out of the blue, quite unexpectedly. The other kind is almost… foreseeable? I don’t know.

In any case, tonight was super special for me. I really, really hope it won’t take as long for me to feel like this again. It had been far too long.

Have a great night.

xo

Tanya

[todaystanya]

tired. but proud.

Today was my second day ever as a PA. Same show as yesterday but different location.

Today I’m yet again tired. Exhausted, no. I’m past that point.

Today I’m also proud. Proud of myself. (Side note: I’m not a humble person. There will be an entire blog post dedicated to that one day). Anyways.

Today my ALM (assistant locations manager), aka the boss of my boss, got to see me working and in action. At one point he asked me since when I’ve been PA-ing. I answered since yesterday. His jaw pretty much dropped to the floor, hahaha.

To that he said he was super impressed, with my attitude and with the work I do. :)))))

This afternoon he even went up to my boss, the key PA, and went: “Did you know that this is Tanya’s second day? I never would’ve thought!” And my key was all like: “Yeah, I know”, since we’d already established that yesterday.

At the end of the night after impressing the other two key PAs (“I got here, wanting to give Tanya a task to complete and it’s already done! Without me even having to ask!”), my ALM asked me if I’m working tomorrow, which I affirmed, since I was hired for three days, tomorrow being the last of them. He then inquired if I’ll be working next week, which I said is up to him and he nodded back, smiling, as if to say “oh you are so hired”. Oh yeahhhh.

Oh, also today I overheard the first key PA talking to another of the keys, saying that since they’re shooting in a studio next week they won’t need as many PAs, but that he definitely wants one certain one. He wants to “push” them and train them because he’s been very impressed by them. I wonder who he means… (Yet again, I don’t want to brag, but I’m sure it’s me because he’s found a particular liking in me. Always seems to come up to me and muss up my hair or squeeze my cheeks or give me a hug, which he doesn’t do to any of the other PAs).

So, yep, definitely a very, very good second day! It was long (I wrapped around 3 a.m. after having started at 9:30 a.m.) but generally very well spent. I can defs see myself working with this team. Now let’s hope that my strong assumptions of everyone liking me (ehhh although there are a couple people that don’t smile back when I smile at them) will mean that they’ll be willing to work with me for the rest of this show, too!

Fingers crossed!

And now off to bed.

xo

Tanya

[todaystanya]

tired.

My current personality. I have no energy to even capitalise the t. Ugh.

The reason for my utter exhaustion is that today was my very first day as a PA (production assistant) on an up-and-coming TV series! I’m super excited to have gotten the job.

Anyways after a mere three and a half hours of sleep (because I had gone to a concert the night before and call time was early), I had a sixteen hour work day. Thus, I feel like death.

It was a really good first day though, I have to say. The crew was generally quite kind and accepted the mistakes I made since they knew I was fresh and inexperienced. My “boss”/key PA was a super cool dude, who quickly took to liking me (which is awesome) and we joked around and talked the whole day.

I’m booked to work tomorrow and the day after as well and chances are good (knock on wood) that I’ll continue to work on the show since my key liked me and will probably put in a good word for me. I hope, at least! It’s a really cool show and I hope I can continue to be a part of it!

I think sleep will become a precious commodity in the next while… So, goodnight.

xo

Tanya

[todaystanya]

BEST DAY EVER

Okay this will be a short one because I literally have like four hours to sleep. Fml.

Today three, nay, four awesome things happened. Like, super awesome.

Awesome thing #1: I skyped with three friends from back home, two of whom I hadn’t spoken to in person since I left seven and a half months ago. It was seriously so so so nice to catch up with them, laugh and gossip and reminisce. Honestly. So wonderful.

Awesome thing #2: Towards the end of the Skype call I got a call on my phone from an unknown number. I picked up (good thing I did, too) and got offered a REAL JOB! Starting tomorrow already! (Which, by the way, is why I’m only getting so little sleep.) I’ll be working as a production assistant (PA) on a TV series and I’m super super excited because it’s my first ever PA job and everyone sounded really nice. Ahhh!

Awesome thing #3: Broods concert. I fucking love the band Broods. I have, without exaggeration, been listening to their music for YEARS. And today for the first time ever I got to see them live. It was such a surreal experience. Especially because of the fact that I was in the first row!!! I sang along to all the songs, Georgia (the lead singer) was super cute and goofy and funny and I swear when she was singing the last song of the night, Couldn’t Believe, when she sang “I can’t believe you’re here” she pointed and looked straight at me! And I don’t even think I’m imagining that! Oh my gosh, what a wonderful, wonderful night. I love life. Of course I got a t-shirt too.

Awesome thing #4: While my friends and I were filing out of the venue, we met a certain actress, who will remain unnamed, and had a little conversation with her! She was super sweet and noticed that one of my friends and I had matching dark red/purple velvety shirts. I also pointed out that we’re both wearing ball caps and Nike runners. #twinning. And it was 100% unintentional.

So yep, that’s it folks. I’m nervous and excited for tomorrow (I think I’ll be running on pure adrenaline and maybe coffee) and hope I can make a good first impression!

Life is so so good.

xo

Tanya

[todaystanya]

One of my most embarrassing moments ever?

Okay so there’s this dude I met on a film set last week. I’ll call him Jar. So Jar was sitting behind me on these bleachers and between takes we’d talk and we found out we have a similar music taste and generally his humour quite amused me. Cool dude. But I didn’t and don’t want to start something romantic with him because I’m quite the homo.

Anyways since then we’ve been texting quite a bit about stuff because he recommended I watch some series, which I’ve been doing so we’ve been discussing them a bit and it’s been all good. But then tonight he writes to me and asks if I want to binge watch these series with him this coming weekend while eating tons of ice cream. His exact wording was: “Oh I was just wondering if you want to go out? We can do some ice cream eating and binge cartoons."

Which sounds like a great time. But basically it sounds like he’s inviting me to “Netflix and chill” with him, which is SO not what I want to do.

So I write back: “Sure, sounds good, but just fyi and so you don't get the wrong idea, I'm gay :)”

While I’m nervously waiting for him to write back (because I’m not used to coming out to people yet), I decide to check out how old he is just because he looked around 23 but everyone can look any age nowadays. So I go to his Facebook page and check out his basic info. He’s 20. Okay, cool. Gender: male. Interested in: men.

Wait. WHAT?

Oh shit oh shit oh shit. Now it looks like I’m some kind of bitch that always has the feeling that she’s being hit on and that all the guys want her. In my defence, the way he asked (and the way we’ve been communicating over the past couple of days) did kind of make it seem like he might be into me.

Simultaneously I’m on Skype with my friend M and I start freaking out because oh my gosh, now I just look like a horrible, conceited, ego-centric person. At least I have someone to talk and rant to. (Shoutout to you, M)

To make matters worse, he doesn’t write back for TWO HOURS even though I can see that he saw the message. So I’m just freaking out and experiencing the worst kind of embarrassment.

Finally he writes back: “ahhhhahah I couldn't tell :P but I'm still on though, just hangout and stuff.” Woohoo, I didn’t blow it!

Then, a minute later he writes: “That's cool though thanks for telling me :)”

Woohoo! Which seals the deal that I just may have found myself my first gay friend in town! But the fact that he didn’t write that he’s a flaming homo too leaves me scratching my head. Maybe he wants to come out in person? I don’t know, man.

Anyways. I was super embarrassed. Suuuuper embarrassed. But it turned out to be not as bad as I thought it was. Phew!

xo

Tanya

[todaystanya]

Follow-Up on the Mandela Effect

Yesterday I wrote about this phenomenon, read about it here.

Anyways, today I skyped with my mother for a short while and asked her if she remembered how to spell the BerenstEin/BerenstAin Bears’ name.

And she said she believed it was the version with an A! How?? What?? WHY?? I was so, SO sure it’s spelled with an E and told her my reasons for it as well, but she was quite certain the name is spelled with an A.

So I got her to go upstairs to my bookshelf and check it out because I have almost every single one of those books. She climbed the stairs, found the stack of books, held one up to the camera of her phone and voilà!

IT’S BERENSTAIN BEARS.

The proof was right there but... I don’t. I... can’t. Ah!

How do I even process this? What a mindfuck. I don’t understand how so many people could have misremembered something with such vividness! Ahhh.

This will plague me for the entire rest of my life.

Good night folks.

[todaystanya]

The Mandela Effect

Okay, this is something I just heard about today. And it freaked me the fuck out. So much to the point that I even started panicking a little and maybe shed a tear or two as well. Honestly I can’t think of anything that’s ever shaken up my view of the world quite as much as this has.

I’ll explain.

The Mandela Effect is a term used to describe the event when a large group of people, not necessarily associated with each other, all misremember the same detail.

The term was coined due to many people thinking Nelson Mandela died sometime in the 1980’s, whereas his actual death took place in 2013.

What brought the Mandela Effect to my attention though, was a post about the Berenstein Bears. You know the ones. The family of bears, who, through popular children’s books and a TV series, taught kids lessons about the importance of helping others, eating healthy, telling the truth, showing respect and how to deal with money, going to the doctor’s and going to school, among many, many other topics.

Now the fact here is that everyone, everyone remembers them as the BerenstEin Bears. But apparently a couple years back, somebody realised that the actual spelling of it is BerenstAin Bears.

Personally I am 110% sure that it was the BerenstEin Bears. I KNOW that because for one, I have always paid meticulous attention to spelling, ever since I was just a little gaffer, and for two, because “stEin” also occurs in my family name, so I always knew how to write their name. So naturally when I saw the “actual” spelling and started researching and reading articles, I got really, really freaked out.

Because how can it be, that after so many years and with everybody being so sure about the spelling with an E, that we all seem to be wrong? We all are wrong?

I can’t find any possible explanation for this. It just doesn’t make sense!

I have a HUGE collection of these books back home in Europe, so the next time my parents and I skype, I’ll have to ask them to check for me. First though, I’ll ask them how they think it’s spelled. Let’s see what they say. And what explanation they come up with.

Personally… And even though I think this stuff is kind of hocus-pocus-y and way too science-fiction-y for me… The time travel / parallel universes theory almost seems the most plausible and logical answer to me? Because how could so many people misremember something? And with such conviction? IT JUST DOESN’T MAKE SENSE OTHERWISE!

I’m actually a big fan of any kind of parallel universe theory. Especially the hypothesis that states that there is an infinite amount of parallel/alternate universes. Just imagine all the possibilities of what your life could look like! Your crush could be in love with you, too! You might just get your dream job! Bernie Sanders could be the next president! You could own a suburban house with a white picket fence or a penthouse in New York or a beachfront home in Hawaii! Or all three!

Whatever you want, whatever you desire, you could possibly have in an alternate universe. Or you could certainly have, if you accept the theory of infinite parallel universes.

And I think that’s pretty dang cool, because why not strive for those things in this very universe right here? This could be your perfect life. Your perfect universe!

I don’t know, I just think it’s super motivating and uplifting for me to ponder these things. It gives me the incentive and the drive to make this universe the most perfect and ideal version that I can possibly attain. Because why not?

Give this life a chance. You won’t regret it.

Wow, this got super motivational all of a sudden. Oops. Anyways, good night. It’s bed time for me.

xo

Tanya

[todaystanya]

A Poem about Extras Work

Long days Short nights

Desperately trying To stay alive

Or rather awake There’s never a break

But someone ahead of you To steal your cake

Free food Now don’t be rude

Don’t cut the line Don’t kill the mood

We’re in the same boat We all want those bank notes

But don’t you forget This isn’t cutthroat

We’re in this together In good and bad weather

Through all the mishaps Now that’s a wrap!

[todaystanya]

Arachnophobia?

As of now there’s a new member in my house. A rather unwelcome one, in my opinion.

It’s a huge spider. I’ve named him Frank.

Frank appeared two days ago when I was coming out of the bathroom and into the kitchen. He was sitting in the middle of the floor and when I saw him, I nearly shit a brick.

You see, I’m actually not even that afraid of spiders. In fact, I think they’re pretty cool. They eat harmful insects (more than bats and birds combined!) and pollinate plants. I don’t really have a problem with them. Except for when they’re the size of the palm of my hand, a rule which Frank very clearly violated.

I’m not sure if I’ve ever even seen a spider so sizeable!

Anyways, I came out of the bathroom and there Frank was, sitting on the kitchen floor. I gave a little yelp because of course I hadn’t expected a creepy-crawler the size of a small mouse to all of a sudden have appeared. I threw one of my slippers at him, in hopes of scaring him away and back to whatever hole in the wall he scrabbled out of.

It didn’t phase him whatsoever. I threw my second slipper even closer to him. No effect.

Finally he skittled under the oven, where I hoped he might burn and DIE because spiders that size should NOT be in my kitchen but unfortunately that wasn’t the case because he crept out from underneath the appliance a couple minutes later.

And this morning I saw him again, positioned by the door leading to a storage room, where the kitchen’s light switch is located. It was as if he was waiting for me.

Ugh.

I have no idea where he is now (which is kind of worse than anything) and for some reason I always expect him to appear on the other side of any door I open. It’s terrifying and exhausting and all I want to do is for Frank to leave. He still hasn’t paid his rent and he’s not pulling his weight in this household.

It’s time for him to move on.

Thank you for letting me unload this on you.

xo

Tanya

[todaystanya]

The Phenomenon of Clean Shoes

I don’t understand this. I just plain and simple don’t understand how some people can keep their shoes as clean as they were when they bought them! Not just mud-free, no, I also mean dirt-free, dust-free, smudge-free and scuff-free. 

HOW DO THEY DO IT? They do wear and use their shoes but somehow, with some kind of magic, they seem to be able to keep the tips of their Converse as white as snow, their Nikes looking fresh out the store months after buying them and their leather shoes crease-free.

I can’t seem to be able to do it. Then again, I don’t really invest much (or any) time in maintaining my shoes’ look. I slip em on and I’m out the door. And I wear them everywhere without regard to the terrain I might be on.

Just today I wore some leather boots when I was on a film set as an extra because the scene we were filming was set in October/November. The ground in extras holding (where they keep us when we’re not needed) was extremely dusty and now that dust has settled into a thin layer on my boots. I think I’ll just keep them that way until I’m finished being an extra on that movie because otherwise I’ll have to clean them every day. 

And maybe that’s why my shoes never seem to be clean. Because I always put off polishing them. Ah well. There are more important things in life.

xo

Tanya

[todaystanya]

Fifty Shades of Jealousy

Has this ever happened to you? You’re out and about, more or less content with your life and having a good time and all of a sudden someone comes along and without them even meaning to, they just make you extremely jealous?

It’s not their existence, not necessarily them personally, that stokes the fires of jealousy in the pit of your stomach, it’s what they have, what they’re doing and the opportunities they seem to be receiving from left and right.

This is what’s happening to me right now. I’m exceptionally envious of my friend A, who lives here in Vancouver.

I kind of met A online and we bonded over our identical taste in music. When I moved to the city, we met up and spent an afternoon together. It was pleasant and there was lots to talk about. I even invited her to my birthday party a month later.

Now, A just so happens to be doing the EXACT type of work that I’d like to be doing, which is working behind the camera on film/TV sets. She only started about three or four months ago after completing a couple of courses for it and now she’s totally submersed in work, getting offers and new jobs seemingly all the time.

And I know she worked hard for it, going to these different courses and networking and all that in order to get a job in the first place. And I’m happy for her! Or rather, I would be happy for her, if she weren’t flaunting it in my face.

She knows exactly that what she’s doing for work is in every way what I want to be doing, too. And I don’t know if she’s bragging on purpose, or if she’s just genuinely super happy and wants the whole world to know about how amazing her job is, how awesome and nice her crew mates are, how - oh la la - she has specifically been asked to work on a certain film because they loved the work she did on a different one, how she’s not getting enough sleep because work days are so long but it doesn’t matter to her because her life is perfect, she loves her work and she wouldn’t have it any other way.

Gah!

Yes, I know, if I were in her position, I’d probably be super happy too and want to tell my friends all about it. But the worst part of it is that she doesn’t even really seem to notice that she’s kind of in a position of power over me. 

She could help me if she wanted to. Because that’s what friends do, right? They help each other.

Then again, friends don’t gossip about each other on tumblr either. Oops. Anyways.

In times like these I just have to remember what I have, opposed to what I don’t have. I have all the basics I need to live: shelter, food, water and safety. I have wonderful parents and fan-fucking-tastic friends that prove time and time again that they’re the most bomb-ass support system I could ever ask for. I have countless career opportunities, that don’t just span film/TV, no I could go into almost any type of field of study that I want to. I also have enough money to sustain myself and I’m healthy. Life is good.

Now every time I get these hot flashes of envy, I can remind myself of this. And all will be good.

xo

Tanya

[todaystanya]

An extraordinarily emotional day

Today had been a crazy day, emotion-wise. Even just thinking about what’s happened today is making me feel all kinds of things, primarily giddy happiness and crippling nervousness.

The reason for this myriad of emotions is the fact that I got invited to an audition in Los Angeles. And not just any audition. It’s for Universal Studios Japan. To play a Hogwarts student, not in a movie, but in their theme park in Osaka. Osaka, Japan.

My very good friend M told me about this opportunity a couple days ago and I was so freaking blown away by the fact that that could actually be a job. Walking around a theme park dressed as a Hogwarts student, casting “spells” on people and bringing not just children, but all Potterheads, joy.

I had to register too, to see if I’d get an invitation to an audition. I mean, what a dream, right? The Studios would even pay for the flights to and from Japan, they’d pay for travel insurance, accommodation, a bike, mobile phone, a gym membership and even help out with the cost of food. And on top of that, they pay you too. What. A. Dream.

So. I sent in my application - which didn’t consist of much, just a photo, contact information, weight and height and a résumé of past acting experiences - and the wait for a response began. I waited for over three days, feverishly checking my emails every quarter hour to see if they’d already written back.

This morning the response came. I was just skyping one of my oldest childhood friends, who I hadn’t talked to for over seven months since I left Europe, when the email came.

“Dear Tanya. We would like to congratulate you on being successful in securing an audition for Universal Studios Japan for female actors. Your audition will be held on Monday…”

I started screaming. First of all I was overjoyed to hear the news! What made it even better was the fact that I could instantly share it with one of my oldest and closest friends! I was absolutely THRILLED!!!!

And then the worry set in.

This coming weekend I’m participating in an expensive and important course on the subject of the film industry in Vancouver. This course was recommended to me by at least half a dozen people, all telling me I’d be taught exactly what I’d need to know to break into the biz (god, am I ever uncool).

So I signed up and paid and finally, after waiting for a couple months, I’m taking the course this weekend. Of course it just so happens that this very, very important and perhaps life-changing audition is the next day. And of course, since it’s only a week away, a prices for flights have reached astronomical heights ($900 for a roundtrip??). Also the day after the audition is a concert that I’ve been dying to go to ever since I bought the ticket for it some months ago.

Which means that if I went to LA and still wanted to go to the course beforehand and the concert afterwards, I’d have to spend $900 on the flight, go through a surely very stressful audition and fly right back to Vancouver to go to the concert the next day.

It’s pretty much impossible.

Which is why I came up with two solutions and have now written back to the Studios, proposing them. Numero uno is that I’d audition over Skype. It would probably be super stressful for them and they’ll very likely say no, but I think my second idea would actually work quite well.

That would be for me to audition in New York instead of LA. Since that audition is ten days afterwards, I a) would have more time to prepare myself and calm my nerves, b) would be able to attend the course, c) could still go to the concert and d) would be able to see some more of the city, since I don’t have anything else planned around the day of the audition and could thus spend more time visiting NYC. I wouldn’t have to rush into town, audition and then rush back to Vancouver.

Also e) the flight tickets are much, much cheaper (around $500), so I’d save a ton of money too, which would otherwise be used for the foundations of life aka rent and food.

Now I’m nervously waiting for their response in hopes that one of my suggestions will be accepted. It shouldn’t matter too much if they see me in New York and not Los Angeles, right?

Anyways, fingers crossed for that.

Back to the emotions of the day. While showering today, I pondered life (as one does) and was thinking about how freaking cool it would be to get the job. I even nearly shed a tear. Then I was captured by the paralysing self-doubt of “oh I’m not nearly talented enough to live up to their expectations and to “beat” the other surely more beautiful, more gifted, more experienced and more suitable people that will also be auditioning”. I mean, I’ll either be auditioning in New York or LA, THE hotspots for talent in the United States!

How am I, 19 year-old, haven’t-acted-for-like-four-years-I-have-no-recollection-of-how-to-do-this-and-I’ve-never-ever-ever-had-to-audition-for-anything-in-my-life-how-is-this-even-supposed-to-work, at times insecure and self-doubting CHILD going to go up against everyone else? Even just writing this and thinking about what I’ll have to do is giving me clammy hands and heart palpitations.

I’m trying to stay positive and focused and assured in my own capabilities and strengths but it’s really hard, ya know? I’m working on it.

To add to all this, this afternoon I got an email from my agency asking if I wanted to go to an audition tomorrow. They’re looking for girls who would be comfortable kissing another girl (aka me) in a commercial. So at first I was like “hell yeh” but then I remembered that tomorrow I’ll be group skyping some more friends who I haven’t talked to for over seven months, so I wrote back to my agency saying I couldn’t.

But then M persuaded me to take the chance and go to the audition and that my friends would surely understand. And I’m sure they will. But I just didn’t want to be that asshole to have to postpone the whole thing after finally having found a date and time to suit us all.

So now I’ve written back to my agency again, asking if it’s too late but apparently it’s not, so it looks like I’ll be going to this audition tomorrow. And that’s where the guilt comes in because now I have to tell my friends sorry, I can’t, after being the one to suggest the group Skype. And of course I’m nervous too about the audition.

Gah!!!! Way too many emotions today!

Joy, nervousness, worry, guilt, fear, excitement, and all in such extremes. This happens so rarely, I don’t know how to cope! Although talking to my friend this morning, another one at lunch, maybe M when I get home tonight (currently in a coffee shop and it’s 9 pm) and writing about this has helped loads too.

Okay. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

xo

Tanya

[todaystanya]

Proof why Flume is a god

If this photo isn’t already proof enough, I made a bullet list too.

Somehow, he can make the oddest noises, jangles and tunes sound like heaven-sent music that instantaneously puts everyone in a great mood.

A girl behind me, in all seriousness, looked like she was having an intense religious experience. Tears streaming down her face, which was tilted skywards and both arms streched up over her head nearly the entire time. It was quite the sight. And all because of a certain Australian DJ.

The light show. The light show. The light show. Perfectly set to the music, never repetitive or boring and just indescribably good.

Many, many people wanted the best spot in the house (understandably) and lots of security guards had to escort them out of the crowd. (Thank goodness I was in a good spot. A perfect spot, actually. First row and off to the side a bit, so the people weren’t as pushy and I still had a very decent view.)

The music

Me not being able to say it was the perfect concert afterwards, but that it was the perfect experience.

Overall great vibes emanating from this guy. He urged us not to push each other, otherwise he’d stop the music, because he just wanted us to have the best time possible and that can’t work if we’re constantly getting shoved around. He also said multiple times he loves Vancouver (and I even believed it).

THE MUSIC

In conclusion, the guy is a god. He’s freaking amazing. So much love for him and his music.

[todaystanya]

Two people, same boat

Have you ever experienced something, told someone else about it and they just so happened to have experienced the same exact thing, or at least something very similar?

This is what’s been happening to myself and my friend M (who helped me come up with the idea for this blog) recently. Okay, I do admit - we’re kind of in the same situation. We both just very recently moved to a new city, not just in a different country, but on an entirely new continent; M moved to Los Angeles and I moved to Vancouver after having lived our whole lives in Europe.

There have only been minor differences in our experiences so far. M moved to LA without knowing a single soul there, whereas I already knew some people in Vancouver. She bought a car, I use public transit. She’s going to school, I’m not.

Pretty much everything else has been eerily similar though. We both experienced troubles with our first roommates and moved into a new apartment on July 1st, where we both feel much more at home now. We’re both looking for work. We’re both looking for friends. We both feel kind of alone, isolated maybe, from the goings on back home in Europe. We both want to create things - M makes videos, I write. We both spend hours and hours on end in coffee shops. We’re both interested in working in film.

All these similarities despite the fact that we actually have quite different personalities. M is a homebody, or rather needs to feel at home somewhere to feel comfortable. I’m extremely nomadic, love travelling and being on the road and can’t seem to stay in one place for too long. M is the messy, loopy kind of creative, I’m the straightforward kind (referring to this post about two kinds of creativity). M changes her mind on things quite often. Once my mind is made up about something, it can only be changed with very well thought out arguments. M expresses her emotions with ease, which is something I still find extremely difficult.

Yet still we seem to be going through and feeling the exact same things as the other is. It’s odd. Or is it? Are there maybe just things that everyone experiences when they move to an entirely new city?

I don’t know.

What I do know though, is that I’m extremely grateful to have M. Since we’re in the same time zone, we can always be quite sure the other is awake when we are. All our other friends in Europe are 9 hours ahead, so often, their response will be quite delayed.

Just the fact that we’re both more or less alone in a foreign city is very, very comforting to me. We’re encountering the same problems, the same struggles, battling the same demons. We may be in different countries, but we’re in this together.

So kids, if ever you feel like you and you alone are faced with a problem, I guarantee you’re not. Out of the seven BILLION other people out there, there’s got to be someone who’s enduring the same burdens. Who’s in the same boat as you. I’m just lucky that it’s one of my best friends.

xo

Tanya

[todaystanya]

A poem

the push and pull the tidal waves it all set my heart ablaze

the rushing feeling in my heart the twinkling lights above your bed

now i can see it in my mind the way you left me far behind

without a glance you left me standing inside a trance my soul demanding

it was a constant push and shove this was the story of my last love

[todaystanya]

Privacy and what it now means to me

Okay. I am extremely upset right now. Upset and scared, no, make that terrified, and sad and kind of freaking out a little bit.

The reason is the following one. I just became aware of how much the internet knows about me and how intimately and intricately it’s all linked. I never used to be the kind of person who would care about that too much because that meant I might get more likes on my Instagram photos because that account was linked to Facebook so that all my friends there could see my photos too and perhaps click “like”. Shallow, I know, but that’s not what this is about.

Last year I joined Twitter. The reason for that was that I wanted to go to a meet-and-greet with some YouTubers. The event had already sold out, but some people on Twitter were selling their tickets. So I signed up for the damn website, got some tickets, went to the meet-and-greet and everything was fine and dandy.

Now that I had Twitter, I started to use it a bit more. I joined some fandoms, made a friend or two and since my account wasn’t linked to any others (like Facebook or Instagram), I started posting freely about kind of more private stuff. Because who would see that? Only a handful of strangers across the interwebs who were posting similar stuff too.

I’d tweet about being a flaming homo, how certain actresses could slay my gay ass and about a multitude of lesbians in TV series and movies.

And that would have been fine, absolutely fine, if I hadn’t made one big mistake.

Over half a year ago, I set out to travel for a couple months and since I like writing and wanted to document my experiences for both myself and my friends and family, I created a travel blog. I’m still writing for it because it takes a shit ton of time, but I’m enjoying it and I’m glad I made the decision to create it.

Now I bet you’re wondering what my big mistake was. Well, since I wanted to get more views on my blog and gain popularity (yes, I know I’m shallow), I started promoting it on my Twitter account. I even put the link to my blog in my bio.

And stupid, stupid, stupid me didn’t realise that everything is connected and that, if you type the name of my travel blog into Google, very second result is the link to my Twitter account.

Fuck. How did I not think of that?

The worst part of it is, I only just realised this today. About an hour ago. And the link to my blog has been in my Twitter bio for months.

My parents have been talking about my blog to their friends, boasting about their daughter and her wonderful travels. Which means that if someone googles the name of my blog, they’ll see I have a Twitter account as well. And they’ll see what I tweet. And I just told you earlier what I tweet about.

Of course my tweets aren’t all just like that. I also tweet stuff about my day, about more innocent, mundane thoughts I happen to be having, about politics and what I’m eating. But if the people who happen to stumble across my Twitter account scroll down a bit further, I’ll be outed to them.

And that’s what scares me.

I’m scared, terrified, petrified about what will happen if they bring it up with my parents. Or God forbid, if my parents find it themselves.

It’s not that my parents are extreme homophobes, but I really just want to come out to them on my own terms and when I feel ready. Not have my own Twitter account expose me with the help of a simple Google search.

Naturally, as soon as I found out about this, I removed the link of my travel blog from my Twitter account. I changed my description of myself and exchanged the profile picture of me for one of a stick figure.

And even despite those changes, I could still find myself in my next Google search, because it hadn’t yet updated its information on me. So Google, you can kindly fuck off now.

I proceeded to delete all my “gay” tweets from the past couple of months. There weren’t too many, but enough to get a definite idea of my sexual orientation.

Gahhhh this frustrates me so much! That because of my own need for attention and views and comments on my travel blog I might just have accidentally outed myself to my parents and the world. It’s not something I expected would happen. It’s not something I’d wish upon anyone.

Nobody’s said anything to me in regards to it (which is why I only found out now), so, you know, it might be that people either don’t care about my Twitter account or, if they did read through my tweets, they just plain and simple don’t care about my sexual orientation.

Nonetheless, as I stated before, I want to come out to people on my own terms. When I’m ready. When I feel secure enough to maybe, but hopefully not have to, handle negative reactions and not fall into a pit of despair if someone can’t accept me for who I am.

Anyways, I think that’s all I have to say about that for now. Stay safe kids and be careful with what you post online. Always think ahead.

xo

Tanya

[todaystanya]

The Creativity Challenge and the two Types of Creativity

I’m not creative.

At least, not in the way I want to be. And I want to change that.

This is what my friend M and I were talking about the other day on Skype. I was voicing my concern to her about this because I’m frustrated and annoyed by the fact that I just can’t seem to come up with any original ideas. I can’t write short stories for shit. My creative writing skills are non-existent. If you ask me to write a story, all I can think of are the most basic and predictable plots and the most dull and two-dimensional characters to play out said plot.

I don’t know if creativity is something people are born with. Maybe it’s Maybelline. I don’t know if it’s something you either have or you don’t. Is there a gene for creativity? Or does the key to it lie in a person’s environment? Ah, the ever-present and relevant question of nature or nurture. What a great topic for high school debates.

Anyhow, whatever it may be, I’m just relatively certain that I don’t possess it.

M then told me otherwise. She reminded me of the time we were on a road trip through California and the plastic “racing stripe” on the driver’s side of her little car was starting to peel off, which could potentially turn into a safety hazard. I simply suggested to tape it back on to the car with some duct tape that I happened to have brought with me. An uncomplicated, easy, albeit temporary solution, but good enough to last the rest of the road trip.

She also reminded me that I had planned our whole road trip. That I had taken care of our accommodation. That I had seen to it that we wouldn’t be spending a crazy amount of money. That I had mapped out the whole route, making sure we’d never have to drive too much and that we’d be able to stay longer in more beautiful and special places than in plain towns.

She reminded me that during the trip I had always ensured we knew what was worth seeing in the area so we wouldn’t waste any of our precious, limited time.

I argued back: how could any of that be perceived as creativity? All I see it as is organisation, practicality, efficiency. What’s so special about that?

Problem-solving, inventiveness, she fired back. That’s also a kind of creativity.

I took a moment to let that sink in. Maybe she was right. There were a great number of problems that arose during the road trip. Two flat tires. Almost having no accommodation one night. Rainy days. Important life choices that would have to be made at the end of the trip. Budgeting. And, at the very end, a car crash. And it had been, to a significant part, me who had been able to keep my cool and think of a decent, practical solution.

We kept discussing the topic and came to the conclusion that maybe there are two kinds of creativity.

There’s the kind that you’ll think of immediately - the one that you need to create art forms like literature and film, dance and illustration. The one you need to be openminded, original and imaginative for. The one that I so desperately wish I had.

Then there’s the kind of creativity that you may not think of immediately, the kind you maybe don’t even know exists - the one for problem solving and inventiveness. The one which also requires open-mindedness and imagination but is employed in a different manner. The one which, according to M, I am apparently gifted with.

The former kind I describe as twisty, messy, artsy and colourful. The latter I describe as straightforward, practical, inventive and resourceful.

Maybe it’s not even that bad that I’m more of the one than the other, even if the other may seem like the funner version of a person, the one you’d more willingly choose to hang out with. I may have just painted myself to be the perfect picture of the sarcastically remarked “you must be fun at parties” person, but M and my other friends can ensure you, I can be just as fun-loving and spontaneous as any other individual.

Even still with this reassurance of my non-boring personality from M, I remained set on the fact that I wanted to gain more of the twisty, turny kind of creativity.

Thus the Creativity Challenge was born. 

M suggested I create this blog. She knows I like to write and that I want to improve both my writing skills and my self-expression, so she figured an anonymous blog like this would be the optimal way to do just that.

Another goal is to write things and post them daily, which is why I titled this blog Today’s Tanya. My blog entries will give you a bit of a depiction of me and what I happen to be thinking about on that exact day. It’ll most definitely keep me busy, but at the moment I have quite a bit of time on my hands, so I don’t mind.

What I love about this project and this blog is that I don’t have to censor myself here. I don’t have to worry about impressing anybody, because nobody except for M and my best friend L (you’ll have a number of stories to hear about her, fret not) know about this project. I can make posts as short as a paragraph or as long as this one and not concern myself with the stats of how many clicks my posts get or how many followers I accumulate, because, primarily, I’m not doing this for you, dear reader. I’m doing this for me. And I’m okay with that.

We’ll see where this adventure brings me. I’m so ready to begin.

See you tomorrow.

xo

Tanya