There’s this idea of you, a construct, that’s been birthed from my head as a function of thinking about you over time, at a distance. It starts with some resemblance of you (to you), as experienced several weeks, or months, ago, but from there it’s all projection.
Which makes me more comfortable, suddenly, with the thoughts and feelings where you enter... because it’s not you anymore, but the Construct, like some spirit animal or totem. It is separate from you, actual living breathing human being you.
Which is so right because this isn’t about you. It’s all me, which is where I’ve been trying to go with this journey, process. Realizing, and being able (or trying) to separate my thoughts on you and why and whatever, from your reality (your experience, or whatever) helps me to own this. My life and my process. And be less bothered by intrusive thoughts of you.
And those thoughts have been less intrusive recently. Which I guess is good because that feeling in the pit of my stomach when I was reminded of you (and the simple frequency with which I was reminded of you) was really starting to upset me... just the persistence of all that, of those feelings (so intense while traveling, not so much now). I didn’t know (and still don’t know) what to make of it.
But I feel more open to thoughts and feeling of “you” now, because I recognize “you” as a Construct, one that might be helping me to stay on this path. Guiding me. Spirit animal style. Hah, I do wonder how real you would react to inspiring a spirit animal... it’s sort of charming and fitting. Like your version of you you’d default to, that happy bubble space. Construct you has more darkness, more issues that are unresolved, sometimes seems steeped in hypocrisy.
And I no longer feel at odds for projecting those things onto you... because I’m not. I’ve always recognised that my thoughts on those things, my theories, are irrelevant to the actual reality of the situation. So I wondered why I persisted with them, despite wanting you out of my head.
I realize now, though, that I’ve been creating a construct, and that it serves as fuel, and counter-point, for my own internal dialog.
I hope that, if we do reconnect down the line (which I still hope/think we will, but not anytime soon... need space), I don’t start thinking of my version of you, my construct, my spirit animal, as the real thing. I want you real, living, breathing, complicated in your own ways, not in the ways I’ve projected onto you.
Oh gawd, I really kinda spun that thread way out, huh? Reading back on this someday is really gonna be a bummer. Adolescent, self-indulgent, obtuse. But it’s real (I think), it’s where I’m at right now. And this is my outlet. Mine. So fuckit, that’s exactly what getting arms free is all about.
The real question is, why public (if anonymous)? Why not just journal privately? Not that I think anyone is reading this drivel, but still... why does it feel better to shout into the void, than to take note for my own record, or whatever.
I want to believe that it’s because calling out, sending it over the waves or 1s and 0s, feels like more of a release, feels more open to the world, less like shutting down and turning in. But I don’t know if that’s true. Maybe it’s more tied to loneliness, or... not really loneliness, but looking to other people for something, some kind of approval or something, or feeling like I have someones to answer to... that feeling. That thing that makes me think I need to work on, “living up to my own expectations, and not anybody else’s.” But I’m not sure.
Regardless, at least I’m doing something. Right?
Blergh, now it’s just becoming blah blah, whatever, I am done.
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