He represents hope. He is living proof that people can not only change, but also turn their lives around.
When he was in the begins episodes, he was scared and spineless and sometimes an asshole, all for the purpose of fitting in with Good Ole Boys club. He was deep in the closet and had been in an unhealthy environment probably all of his life. Lou said that Tommy had a rough life, an unstable home and childhood. Add an undetermined amount of years in the army to however long he was trapped at the old 118, Iâm starting to think he never realized another option was for him. Not that there wasnât another option, but that it wasnât an option he could have.
But then Chimney comes in. Someone on another post of mine pointed out that it was because Chim was an âotherâ and Tommy didnât want to be pinned as an âotherâ too and I agree. Same with Hen, but sadly worse. She got awful treatment from the 118 and Tommy went along with it. But even back then, we got treated to things like Tommy hugging himself during Henâs speech to the house, to his face falling when the captain uses the âdiversity hireâ line.
But then Bobby comes in and heâs not standing for peopleâs shit. Slowly, the 118 starts to move forward and while Tommy isnât stuck fitting into a toxic boys club anymore, heâs left behind because he canât move himself forward anymore without confronting who he is. So he leaves the 118 and moves to Harbor.
Somehow, somewhere along the way to where we are now, Tommy came out to himself and with the way he talks, probably started therapy. When we meet him again, he is so gentle to himself and those around him. This is a Tommy we could see glimpses of before, but now heâs finally safe to be himself in all aspects.
And I think this is so important for all people who find themselves with any parallels to Tommyâs storyline. For so many people that have to live in secret. For people trapped in a horrible environment, one they have to mimic to survive. For people who canât face themselves until later on in life. For people who look successful on the outside, but are crumbling on the inside. And to the person who fits their gender roles to a T, the macho man or feminine woman, who doesnât âlook queerâ or âact queerâ. Thereâs a place for everyone.
You just have to find your place. Look what that did for Tommy.
btw i want to say that the entire tumblr community banding together is what got these changes reversed so i hope u all realise the power of a reblog and start reblogging posts instead of just liking them this is the reblog website so hit that button right now
maddie recalling that buck came after her when doug kidnapped her was a good start. over the next episode or two, while buck has his struggles, can we also get
chimney remembering buck talked him off the roof the day of bobby's funeral
ravi remembering buck took him out when he got the yips and convinced him not to quit
harry remembering that buck dropped everything to train him for the fire academy and found a way to smooth over his criminal record
hen remembering that when she was sick buck appointed himself her dietician, continually came over to bring her food, volunteered his home for a bunch of activities that the other guys did with her, and confronted the team to call attention to her downward spiral
athena remembering that buck spent time with her kids when she was self-isolating in her grief and he helped her deal with her inner conflict about harry joining lafd
eddie explicitly recognizing that every time he has needed him, buck has been right there
buck is the dude who is so willing to step up that he's always on the lookout for opportunities to be there for his people. please let the show touch on that.
The thought blooms fully fledged in Buck's mind on Saturday as he wakes up, and it is so unlike anything he has ever thought that he goes from what the fuck to What. The FUCK.
Sitting up in bed, he checks his phone. Saturday 8.07am, eight minutes before the alarm goes off. He has a basket of laundry to do and a list of groceries to pick up from Trader Joe's; there are two library books due and he is supposed to be baking something for the Stitch and Bitch.
Tommy Kinard dies on Thursday at 3.49pm.
His heart thumps painfully at the thought that repeats in his head. It will be weird, won't it, for him to call Tommy and ask, hey, what are you doing on Thursday, say around late afternoon? Oh, nothing, I just can't shake the feeling you're gonna die.
He should leave out that last part.
Maybe Tommy has a shift on Thursday. A pang of something twinges in his chest. They used to have each other's shifts on a common calendar. Tommy&Evan. Sometimes they picked up extra shifts here and there, and they left notes for each other.
The last message he's had from Tommy was "let me know if you need anything". Buck had reacted with a thumbs up and nothing else.
Taking a deep breath, he texts Tommy and asks if he's working Thursday.
No, I'm free. Gonna finish up the pergola in the backyard. What's up?
Tommy doesn't even sound bothered by Buck's message out of nowhere. Like they've been conversing all along.
It shouldn't make tears come to Buck's eyes, and yet. He inhales sharply, and sends, all by yourself?
Yep
I'm quite handy around the house
as you know đ
Buck wants to flirt back. But he can't shake the thought that woke him up from the front of his mind.
Tommy Kinard dies on Thursday at 3.49pm.
He takes a deep breath and holds it until he wants to burst. Then he calls Tommy.
"Hey," Tommy replies on the second ring. "I don't think I can borrow another helicopter until 2099."
"I'll make a note," Buck says, smiling despite the hammering of his heart against his ribs. "I'm just wondering if it's okay for me to, um, to go over on Thursday. T-to hang out."
There's a pause on the other end of the line. Finally, Tommy asks, hesitation in every syllable, "Why would you wanna do that?"
Because you might die. You might actually die and I can't risk that without me seeing you one more time before then. You may die on Thursday at 3.49pm and if I'm not there it might really happen, and if it does and I could've done something but I didn't because I wasn't there, and what if I don't even have the chance to say-
"I love you."
Buck's hand flies to his mouth in shock. That is not what he intended to say. His face grows hot and his feet icy. He wants to bury himself in the foundations of his new house and never be found again. He wants to be shot into the surface of the sun. He wants to be standing right in front of Tommy to see his expression.
He wants Tommy to know.
He wants Tommy to say something.
There isn't a reply. Buck hears breathing, and a quiet gulp, but no words.
"I... I didn't mean to-to blurt that out," Buck whispers when the silence is a little much to bear. "I just... I miss you, and I can't stop thinking about you even now, and I... I love you. I'm sorry. I should have said that earlier. Much earlier. I'm so sorry."
"I'm free now," Tommy answers, not in response to anything Buck has just said.
"What?"
"I'm free now," Tommy repeats. "You don't... You don't have to wait for Thursday. You can come here, now. Come here, a-and tell me. Tell me in person." A shaky inhale, and then a hushed, "please".
A single tear escapes Buck's control and rolls down his cheek. It is so simple. It has always been so simple.
God, he's been so stupid about this.
"Okay. I'll be there in twenty." He smiles and nods. "I'll be there. Don't... Don't go anywhere."
"I'll be waiting."
+++
Tommy Kinard dies on Thursday at 3.49pm.
Evan Kinard dies on Thursday, 4.06pm, hand in hand with his husband, celebrating forty years of marriage.
Iâm not even gonna tag this because Iâm just saying this from a place of hurt and i need to get it out.
But two of my friends forgot my birthday. Theyâre supposed to be among my closest friends and itâs all crickets. My birthday has come and gone. Thereâs no getting around it.
I just wanna cry tbh but I donât want to close out my birthday in tears.
Folks, friends, yâallâŚ. esk*mo is a slur. I understand a lot of people donât know that, I donât want to be a dick about it, but Iâve been seeing it in fics. Wanna write âesk*mo kissesâ? Just say ânuzzled nosesâ or something.
Iâm not here to call anybody out, itâs been in multiple fics, Iâm not vague posting. This is just a psa. đđť
[Text Description: âHey! Reminder: Eskimo is a slur. It means âsnow eatersâ in Cree and is a slur against Inuit . Also donât use âEskimo kissesâ. Itâs called Kunik. It is a greeting mostly used for family⌠Kunik was how Iâd greet my mom and grandmother as a small child.â /TD]
yeah we put your girl in the fandom and they villainized her beyond comprehension. yeah sorry they took out all the nuance and made the argument completely black and white. yeah my bad. we canât reverse it. sorry.
We put your girl in the fandom and now she's just the "one who has the braincell". Sorry, they made her a "queen" so she can't be funny or vulnerable or do anything except sigh and wrangle the boy characters. Like a mother, yeah. Yeah, it's still better than it would have been fifteen years ago. Sorry.
I feel so sorry for my followers because when Iâm not online my blog is DEAD no queue no nothing but when Iâm online youâd better be ready for an avalanche of posts within .5 seconds of each other POST POST POST POST POST POST
i just kinda automatically think of all my mutuals as my age but then one person will mention getting married and having a baby and another will mention going into their junior year of high school and iâm like wait what
remember when Bobby helped Tommy transfer to the 217 so he could get back in the sky? and after years of short-term and fake girlfriends (and no older brooding woman in sight) Tommy was finally free from the ghost of gerard's reign and his own shitty past so he could finally come out and be himself? he could be free on the ground and in the sky? and he dated around until he met a guy named Andrew who he ended up being with for over a year? and they were living together and Tommy had been thinking about proposing even though it was relatively legally new because he thought he'd found someone who wanted him for who he was and so he wanted to keep them, keep this free version of himself alive? but then Andy blindsided him by breaking things off and taking a job out of state? and the reason he gave was that he just didn't love Tommy anymore? and basically said Tommy wasn't enough for him?
so Tommy wasn't enough for the first guy he let himself fall for, the first guy he said i love you to? and Tommy lost his longterm boyfriend/almost fiance very suddenly and was left in an empty house which he couldn't bear to stay in until the lease was up? so he spent the money he'd been saving for a ring plus the rest of his savings on a fixer upper house and spent the next 2 years fixing it up? and he didn't date anyone seriously after that (nothing more than a few months or some fwb situations) because he didn't want to have his hreat broken again so even when he really liked the guy and things were going well he always left before they could leave him? sometimes he took the smallest disagreement or sign of trouble as an out and sometimes he cut and run while things were still good? because he carries that first heartbreak with him?
but it's actually more than that because his first serious girlfriend (who also took his virginity) while he was in high school/after/during the army/before being a firefighter dumped his ass? and he let himself be mad instead of upset because what the hell he thought things were good Vikki? and when every girlfriend kept dumping his ass he decided to keep things strictly casual and short from here on out during his time at the 118 lest he be forced to examine why? lest someone notice he was broken in the worst way? and he's not the guy people run after, he's the guy people run away from? and it goes all the way back to when his mom left him with his emotionally and physically abusive father? and that kind of leadership didn't let up through the army or at the 118.. until Bobby? like yeah knowing Howie and Hen helped him heal and become a better version of himself but it was Bobby who finally helped set him free from the shackles of his closeted trauma-filled life?..
..and then he met Evan.
and when they finally get back together/start talking again after the funeral he shares all of this with Evan. and Evan learns that while he thinks he's too much for the people he cares about, Tommy has never been enough. and Evan being a lot was what drew Tommy to him even though he knew he could never keep up, never measure up, but he wanted to enjoy the flight until his wings burnt up in the sun like Icarus. and they bond over Bobby helping them become better versions of themselves. and Tommy wonders if he'd stayed at the 118 with Bobby if he wouldn't have ruined his relationship with Evan by hiding himself and running away. he wonders if more time with Bobby and Evan and the rest of the 118 would have made him braver. and Evan tells Tommy he's enough for him. and Tommy is worth fighting for and Evan wanted to go after him, but he's so used to being left behind. and for once Evan wanted to be the one someone went after because they wanted him, instead of being left behind because he wasn't their person. and Evan tells Tommy he may be broken but so is he. Evan knows the heartbreak of being left behind and being led along with false hope and he would never do that to someone he loved, but no one ever wanted to keep him either, and he never wanted to keep anyone truly.. not until Tommy. because Tommy is his person..
Wrote this over the last few days just as a kind of where was Buck's head during everything and more than 5k words later, here we are...and of course there is a touch of bucktommy within. Title from Everybody Scream by Florence and the Machine.
Read on Ao3
-
Ravi was not, as Buck had learned, someone that made work his whole life. That said, he did care way more than he would ever let on. Buck had learned to appreciate that about him.Â
It wasnât surprising to get more texts than usual from Ravi that week. Never mind that Ravi was on a vacation that he had given Buck very few details about despite how often Buck asked him about it. He didnât even know where Ravi had gone or with who. Maybe he hadnât even left LA and just needed the break. No one knew. That Ravi was bothering to text Buck about Hen at all showed just how worried Ravi actually was.Â
Telling him that Hen had gotten fired had brought forth a bunch of confused and angry messages that Buck fully agreed with. Where did Chim get off knocking her when she was already down? Buck got that Hen shouldnât be at work if she wasnât 100%, but that didnât mean that she should be fired. It was a step too far in Buckâs opinion. Â
All week he kept texting Ravi, keeping him informed. When he snuck in a question about how his vacation was going, Ravi ignored it.Â
He wanted someone to say something to Chim. He knew it couldnât come from him. Chim would dismiss it and forget that heâd said anything at all. For Chim it almost seemed like business as usual, sitting up there with his toast and his paperwork as if firing Hen was fine.
It wasnât.Â
As soon as Athena has swept past him and Eddie, Buck reached for his phone. He updated Ravi in real time. At least Athena showing up meant that neither he or Eddie were put on the spot to talk to Chim and get him to see sense. Although, considering how Eddie saw things maybe he would just tell Chim heâd been right to fire her.Â
Ravi got another text when Chim mentioned in passing that he would go see Hen when they got off shift.Â
Buck thought that everything would all work out. For as long as heâd known them, Chim and Hen were solid. They were best friends. They had each otherâs backs. The last time heâd seen any friction between them it was the night Hen was being investigated for the death of that drunk guy and they had gotten over it while Tommy flew them into a hurricane. So, heâd expected things to blow over just as quickly. That was how it worked between them.Â
All in all, Buck stayed out of it. It was between them and his input probably wasnât needed, just like it wasnât needed at all other times. Chim would figure things out with Hen and she would get the medical care she needed and then sheâd be back at work and things would just go back to the status quo.Â
Maybe the problem was that Buck kept remembering his own time being kept from work and how in his desperation heâd gone and sued the department. Sued Bobby. So, he was on Henâs side. If she was sick, then the last thing she needed was the added stress of being pushed out of her job. Out of the 118. He knew how that isolation had felt and he didnât want that for Hen.Â
Buck had already decided that he would go and visit Hen the next time he had some time, when he received a call from Athena instead.Â
âI canât see their friendship fall apart like this,â Athena said. âThey need to hear each other out. All of you should be there.â
It was the first indication to Buck that Chim going over to see Hen had not gone well. So, Buck went. On the one hand he wanted Chim and Hen to get past things and on the other, itâd be rude to not agree to go somewhere if Athena was the one doing the inviting.Â
Eddie showed up just a few minutes after Buck did. Athena had even brought in Alex Doyle as a sort of go between which made the whole thing feel more serious. More to the point, it showed how seriously Athena was taking it. Buck wondered if anyone would go to such lengths for him if he were at odds with anyone else at the 118. He didnât think they would.Â
Buck found himself in Athenaâs new living room, in a house that he had never before stepped foot in. It was nice, but it was nothing like the old house. They had all understood when she sold the house she and Bobby had been building, but it was still more than a little strange to realize that this was a place Bobby had never been to. Was it easier, to be in a place where the memory of Bobby didnât haunt? Or would Athena have preferred to stay in their old house â the one that burnt down â had it been an option? He didnât know if he wanted to know.Â
Buck helped Athena with the wine bottles, aware the whole time that he had no idea where anything went. Alex and Eddie were making small talk and Buck thought that maybe that could be something if Eddie allowed himself to explore it. After the way things had gone when he last tried to help Eddie start to date again, Buck was not going to get involved.Â
The first to arrive was Chim, smile deflating as he stepped through and spotted them and Alex. Buck couldnât even blame him for catching on to what was happening or how he turned to Maddie like she might save him. But what if that wasnât the point? What if Athena had just wanted them all over for dinner, would he have reacted the same way? A part of Buck thought that he might, it wasnât like Chim was ever happy to see him when he was over at his and Maddieâs house. Buck had even started pulling back on how often he just showed up even if Maddie would never turn him away. He shoved that thought down and was happy to be distracted by the charcuterie Athena had prepared.
Eventually, once Hen and Karen arrived, they all migrated to Athenaâs table, Alex sitting at the head with Hen and Chim on either side of her and Athena at the other end. Buck made a point of sitting next to Karen to show what side he was on. Eddie was across from him. No one said anything and then Alex began. Buck could tell immediately that she was suited for her job.Â
Hen and Chim went at each other and the whole table could just watch it happen untilâ
âWhatâs a nice way of saying, youâre done with the 118?â Athena asked Chim, point blank.Â
Buck couldnât even be surprised, if he was honest, that Chim had phrased it that way. Maddie seemed shocked and it reminded Buck that the Chim his sister knew was not the Chim that he knew.Â
Chim defended himself. âIt was her idea,â he pointed at Hen. âShe told me to treat her like any other member of the 118. If it had been your brotherââ
âThen you would have fired me?â Buck asked.Â
âIn a heartbeat.âÂ
Buck felt his stomach drop. Why was that even any kind of surprise to him? First, Chim demanded that Buck stay and then he would fire him at the drop of a hat.Â
âWe all know this,â Eddie said. âChain of command.âÂ
âIf you say chain of command one more time,â Buck ground out.Â
He hated the way Eddie just fell in line. Heâd done it with Gerrard. Heâd been doing it with Chim. At what point did you just stop asking why instead of how high? Buck didnât operate that way and he didnât want to.Â
âOr else what?â Eddie asked.Â
Buck didnât know what and he was glad when Alex took control of the conversation. Intrusive, a thought popped into his head, like they always did. Bobby wouldnât have done this.
Chim was explaining himself. Hen had lied. He wasnât wrong on that, but any of them might have done the same thing, right? In factâŚwell, Bobby had done that to them in the moments before he â Buck shook that thought. Did Hen even realize that similarity? Probably not. He didnât want to be the one to point it out.Â
âI was trying to protect you all,â Hen said.
âHow was that protecting them?â Karen asked.Â
It was shocking to think of Hen managing to hide it even from Karen. How did you do that to your person? To the person that you loved above everyone else? Buck wouldnât have been able to if he had someone.Â
âYou really think after losing Bobby, weâre ready to see another firefighter go down?âÂ
Buck stared resolutely at the table. He couldnât look at anyone. Not at Eddie across from him. Not at Chim. Not at Hen down the table. Something inside him wanted to burst out, but he couldnât. This was not about him.Â
âWhat do you think I was trying to protect you from?â Hen asked. âLosing Bobby broke us all into pieces. Individually and as a team. We couldnât take another hit.â
Wasnât that just the truth. They had been slowly coming back together into something that wasnât quite what the 118 had been under Bobby, but something new. Chim as their Captain. Hen and Eddie partnered up in the ambulance. He and Ravi had gotten into their own rhythm. Buck thought things were going well. Especially after Hen and Athenaâs trip to space and once Chim officially became the Captain, except that he couldnât deny that cracks existed and the fissures might just keep growing until everything broke.Â
Henâs voice was saturated with pain and anger.Â
Months she had hid her symptoms. Months none of them noticed. To be fair, how much work had Hen put into hiding it if even Karen hadnât noticed. The closest person to her at work should have been Chim, but of late it had been Eddie. Heâd called himself her new work husband, but Chim was their Captain. If neither of them noticed, then Buck wouldnât have. Ravi hadnât noticed anything either and he was more observant than most.Â
Buck felt awful as Hen described what the last few months had been like for her and he hurt for her, but at the same time, if she had just said something to any of them they would have helped. They would have supported her. Buck would have been down every rabbit hole online trying to figure out what was happening to her. They all would have put in the time and effort to help her. If only she had asked.Â
âWish you could have just told us,â Eddie said.Â
âYou didnât ask. None of you did.â
In his head, it sounded a little like a record scratch. A skipped beat and a screech bringing everything to a stop.Â
What?Â
Hadnât Buck asked? Hadnât Buck called all of them in those first few days and weeks before they were set to return to work? Hadnât he tried to find an easy and unintrusive way to assess everyoneâs grief?Â
âAnd â and I know youâre all in your little bubbles of grief and sadness,â Hen said. âAnd I get it. He was your husband. And he was our captain. But, he was my friend.â
He was my father.
Buck didnât say it. It wasnât exactly true. Buck had no more claim on Bobby than anyone else except for Athena. May and Harry were his stepkids. Hen loved him too. They all did, but then why couldnât they actually grieve him together? He swallowed any words that formed on his tongue. Donât make it about yourself a voice that sounded like Eddieâs said in his mind and Buckâs eyes flicked to Eddie. Buck dropped his gaze. He couldnât look at any of them. He curled his hands into fists on his lap, dug the nails into the palms of his hands and felt the slight sting like an anchor that kept him seated.Â
âWhile I was so worried about all of you, were any of you even a little bit worried about me?â
Buck dug his nails in deeper. At what point in the last few months had Hen actually spoken to Buck about anything but work? Or was her worry as silent as everything else? IÂ
âHowâs Hen doing?â Hen said. Her voice was full of emotion. âYeah, a question nobody was asking.âÂ
Would you have answered if I asked?Â
Buck kept that in too. He lifted his eyes and looked at Eddie, remembered all too well the accusation that Buck was making it all about himself. So, he pressed his lips together and said nothing because he knew it wouldnât matter. Hen had her perspective and if it didnât include all the times Buck checked on her, then that was that.Â
Hen got to her feet. She was getting ready to flee, but in mere moments she was collapsing.
Buck felt like it was all happening in slow motion.Â
Maddie was calling 9-1-1.Â
Chim was already at Henâs side.Â
Karen at the other.Â
Eddie rounded the table and Karen got out of the way so he could assist Chim.Â
Buck felt stuck in place. He could see Alex Doyle stepping out of the way, hand pressed to her mouth and her eyes wide. Things moved quickly after that. Paramedics arrived, taking over for Chim and then Hen was being loaded up onto an ambulance. Karen went with her.Â
A few minutes later, Buck found himself in the backseat of Athenaâs car. Chim was up front, Maddie in between him and Eddie. He saw Alex getting into her own car on the curb as they drove by.Â
Somewhere along the way, Buck remembered Ravi. He couldnât make himself recount the whole evening over text, but he knew Ravi would at least appreciate Buck letting him know that Hen had collapsed again. That they were rushing her to the hospital again.Â
âSheâs right,â Chim said several minutes into the drive.Â
âAbout what exactly?â Athena asked.Â
âI canât remember the last time any of us checked in on each other.âÂ
And Buck couldnât hold it in any longer. Hen wasnât there and Buck wouldnât feel guilty about not holding his tongue.
âI do,â he said. âBecause sheâs not right. I checked in on all of you. Repeatedly. I asked. I tried to be there for everyone except that none of you wanted it. You all brushed me off or said I was making it about myself.âÂ
âBuck, come on,â Eddie said. âThose weird questions you were asking us? Grief assessments?âÂ
âYes,â Buck snapped. âAnd when I called and asked and everyone just said they were fine.âÂ
Eddie scoffed.Â
Buck looked out the window.Â
âBuck,â Maddie said, voice small. She grabbed his hand and he gave it a squeeze.Â
âHey, thatâs notââ Chim began.Â
Buck turned back from the window. Chim had turned in his seat, he looked directly at Buck and Buck could practically see the start of an excuse.
âWhat happened that day on the roof, Chim?â Buck asked, staring right back at him.Â
Chim visibly deflated, lost whatever he had meant to say. A put down. A joke. An excuse. Buck didnât care.Â
âWho went there to check on you on the day of the funeral? Me. And you, Eddie, who had to call you and tell you what happened? Me. Oh, but it was harder to tell Chris, right? It was harder to speak to your own son. Well, I was there. I saw him. We did everything we could and still it didnât matter. Not for him.â
He ignored when Chim tried to interrupt. Eddieâs noise of protest too.Â
âHen was right about one thing, everyone had their own bubbles of grief and none of them included me.â Buck was aware of how tight his voice felt. âBobby was more than my Captain. Or my friend. He was like a father to me and he told me you were all going to need me, but he was wrong. I see that now.âÂ
He couldnât even really see through the tears gathering in his eyes and when they spilled he didnât even wipe them. How often had he been left out not just from grieving together, but from dinners and going to the movies? Outings that they all planned and took and never thought to invite Buck to?Â
There was also the way that Chim had gone to see Eddie to apologize and then to Henâs more recently but Buck had never gotten that despite the way that Chim all but threw some sort of comment at his expense every shift as if Buck was still that kid fresh from the academy that was a little too rash and a little too eager to prove himself. He hadnât been that in years.Â
âAre you really making all of this about yourself right now?â Eddie asked. âTypical Buck.âÂ
Buck wiped at his eyes angrily.Â
âWhat is that supposed to mean?â Maddie asked.Â
âThis. Hen just collapsed in Athenaâs house, but itâs all about Buck,â Eddie said and he muttered something else Buck didnât hear.Â
âHeâs not wrong,â Chim mumbled.Â
Buck turned away from them, stared out the window and was glad when he saw a sign for the hospital. Maddie grabbed his hand and he let her. He had no idea what she was thinking and ohâŚAthena. He felt a load of shame wash over him and he used his free hand to wipe at the last of his tears. He was glad that no one said anything else.Â
When they arrived and Athena parked, Buck got out of the car without saying anything to any of them, removed himself from Maddie, and walked away. He heard several voices call out his name, but Buck couldnât look at them. He didnât know what he might say or do, so instead, he headed in and went to the nearest bathroom.Â
His phone was ringing and vibrating. Buck ignored it.Â
He took his time cleaning himself up. Splashed cold water on his face. Stared in the mirror and took a few breaths. He didnât look like someone that was falling apart, but Buck had glued himself back together so often that maybe heâd gotten a little too good at a clean finish.Â
The sadness was just as present as a deep anger. Henâs words resonated for Buck almost like they could have been his own. One thing to realize was that her isolation was self-created. For Buck, that was just how the cards fell.Â
Aside from Maddie, did any of them even care about how Buck was doing? Had any of them offered to help him move when Eddie all but kicked him out? Ask him where he was staying in the months between leaving Eddieâs house and waiting to move inâŚthe dates getting pushed back again and again because of the former tenant. Had any of them even asked when it turned out the former tenant had turned squatter and stayed in his attic? The violation of his new space, the way he had believed it could be Bobbyâs ghost. None of them had tried, not even when Buck was practically screaming for help. So how exactly was it that Hen had been worried about him?Â
When had she asked if she could see Buckâs place? More to the point, when had he and Hen hung out like they used to? Instead of any of them even trying with him, they were hanging out together. Hen and Eddie. Hen and Chim. The Wilsons and the Hans. There never seemed to be an invitation for Buck. Ravi either, but that was how Ravi preferred it.Â
He was glad when no one entered the bathroom and he lost track after a while of how long he stood there at the sink, head hanging so he didnât have to face himself.Â
Eventually, his phone came out. Maddie had called a few times. Eddie too. A few texts from both of them. Nothing from Chim. The group chat that hadnât been active in ages had a text from Karen.Â
Buck was reminded of a different night spent in a waiting room in this same hospital, how relieved they had all been when the text from Hen came in. Tommy had been at his side, then, and Buck wished with a desperation that hadnât been so present in months, that he still was. How much easier would it be if he knew he had Tommy on his side.Â
A text from Ravi came in asking for updates.Â
Buck had none to give. Karenâs text only told them doctors were running tests, that Hen was still out of it. No visitors yet.Â
A few more minutes went by. He splashed his face again. Pat himself dry with a paper towel. Buck braced himself before leaving the bathroom. He almost expected Maddie to be outside. Maybe Eddie. It was Athena instead, leaning against the wall across from the door. Buck stopped midstep. He didnât know if this was better or worse.Â
âBuck,â Athena said.Â
Her smile was sad and she crossed the space between them, stopping just in front of him.Â
âI had no idea,â she said, âhow much you were all struggling.âÂ
Buck shook his head. âNo. No. Athena, you are the last person that should be worried about this. You lost your person. None of this should be on you. Or on anyone. I donâtâŚBobby broke us all and Iâve worked through it. The grief. The missing him. Most days I can almost â not forget â live with it.âÂ
âHe thought of you like a son, Buck,â she said. âHe loved you and I know you know that.âÂ
âHe told me,â Buck said and he hadnât said it to anyone. âRight before. He told me. I didnât say it back.âÂ
Tears were pooling in his eyes again.Â
âHe knew,â Athena said. âOf course he knew. Can you tell me what itâs been like at the 118?âÂ
They walked away from the bathroom, both of them knowing the hospital far too well, and found a quiet spot where they could sit. Buck didnât even know what to say.
âBuck?â Athena asked.Â
âItâs less of a family there than it used to be,â he settled on. âItâs gotten better except that I guess everything is surface deep. We get the job done, but weâre not having meals together anymore. Bobby was the thing that held all of us together and some of us are less tied together than others.âÂ
âBuck, thatâs notââ
âItâs what itâs felt like,â Buck said.Â
His phone vibrated in his pocket and he fished it out. âTheyâre moving her to a room.âÂ
âYou said you felt left out,â Athena said.Â
Buck was reminded that Athena was a police sergeant and that she might know just how to press to get answers. She hadnât said anything in the car, but she had listened to everything Buck said and she wouldnât forget.Â
âThe first month, I called. I texted. I checked on them. They were all fine. They didnât want to talk about it and then I decided maybe a grief assessment except that no one liked that either. Do you think it would have mattered if I checked in on Hen any time in the last few months? She wasnât looking for my attention. Or even Eddieâs. She wanted Chimâs and he didnât catch that something was wrong. He should have, heâs our Captain. Bobby always noticed stuff like that.âÂ
Buck stood up. Athena looked at him thoughtfully.Â
Buck sat back down.Â
âHe wasnât perfect,â she said, eyes catching Buckâs, looking a little glossy. âItâs hard to remember that sometimes.â
âI know that,â Buck said. âIâm the one that sued him, remember? And Iâve been thinking about that a lot with all of this. But even then he didnât fire me, he just didnât want me where I could get hurt again. It was misguided, but I know where it came from and it hurt and I hated him for doing that to me, but we got over it. I know Chim cares about Hen. We all do. But the way Chim went about this with Hen, itâs the same way he runs the 118 and itâs just not good enough.â
Athena inhaled a breath. Buck knew at one point there had been some friction between Chim and Athena. He was the one that survived and her husband was the one that was gone. Theyâd gotten over it.Â
âI wanted to transfer,â Buck said.Â
He had no idea if Athena had ever known that. Probably not.Â
âYou didnât though.âÂ
âNo. There was this grand speech and in the end I stayed and Eddie came back so we could be the 118. So we could stay together because itâd be sadder to be alone and dealing with such incredible loss.â
His phone vibrated again with a new message this time from Maddie.Â
âWe, uh, we should go,â Buck said.Â
Athena stood and Buck remembered the day Bobby died, having to go out and get her knowing that heâd already had his last moments with Bobby and that she would have to say goodbye.Â
âIt shouldnât have been like that,â she said.Â
Buck shrugged. Nothing could change how the last few months had gone. How lonely it was. How much the hurt and the grief and the disappointment had settled into him rearing its head when Buck wasnât paying attention. How everything was exacerbated by those that were supposed to be his family.Â
âAnd Iâm sorry,â Athena said, âthat we havenât spent any time together. I realized today it was the first time Iâve had you over at the new house.â
âI havenât invited you over to my new house either,â Buck pointed out.Â
She gave his shoulder a squeeze. âWell, weâll change that.âÂ
Itâs not that Buck hadnât wanted to reach out to Athena. It was just that he just didnât know if it was his place and if he could even had anything to offer her. Then, time had just gone on and they saw each other on calls and that was that. It had been Bobby that brought them together and maybe Buck had assumed that without him there was nothing to bring them together. Still, she was family. She always would be. Buck respected the hell out of her and maybe there was some modicum of fear too. A healthy amount.Â
They started walking, heading in the direction of the room that Karen had texted about.Â
âHowâs your boyfriend?â Athena asked.Â
Buck missed a step. She caught his arm.Â
âNot â heâs notââ
Athena turned to look at him directly. âTake it from me, the thing you donât want to waste is time.âÂ
She smiled a sad smile and then motioned for him to keep walking. The rest of their walk was silent.Â
They found the room easily enough. Maddie smiled a sad smile, her eyes big and bambi like. Buck tried to smile back. He was fine. He wasnât the one in the hospital bed. Although, would they all be there in the same way if he was the one that was sick or injured? Maddie would be, he could count on that. The rest of them? He just didnât know and to top it off, Buck didnât have a romantic partner. No girlfriend. No boyfriend. Athenaâs wordsâŚthe way he missed Tommy. Buck had been on a hospital bed, his shoulder just recently set and Tommy had stepped through the door looking a mixture of worried and happy to see him. Buck wanted that. He missed that.Â
When Buck woke from the coma after the lightning strike he was told Bobby had stayed with him for hours and hours. Looking at the people in that hospital room, he realized that not one of them would do that for him. Not even Maddie. Thatâs what Buck had lost. Thatâs what they had all lost. Nothing was ever going to be the same.Â
Tommy would sit with you, his treacherous mind offered, but he had to shake that thought away.Â
âWhat happened?â Athena asked.Â
Karen told them what she knew and it wasnât much. The doctors still didnât know what was wrong, but they were still waiting on test results.Â
Buck found a place to sit. He could feel Eddieâs eyes on him, but it was not the place or time to hash any of it out. Actually, all things considered, Eddie would probably just brush it off and they would never talk about it. Instead, he pulled out his phone and texted Ravi. That was easier. That was useful.Â
It wasnât too long of a wait for Hen to wake. Buck shot to his feet and they all watched Hen. Athena sat at the foot of her bed and Buck knew that Hen and Athena had a relationship of their own, but Athena shouldnât have been the one apologizing for taking time and space to grieve. She of all people should have been able to take any amount of time that it took. Their grief was not her burden to take on. It shouldnât have been anyoneâs, they should have been able to do it together. He admired her grace and how much she cared about Hen.Â
Buck almost thought that the doctor would insist on them leaving. Hen called them family and something like warmth flooded into him, but it wasnât going to last. The feeling was as temporary as the words because their family was broken and one night was not going to fix it.Â
The doctor gave his diagnosis. It felt awful to think of how bad things could get for Hen as the doctor listed them. He also looked at her and hated her a little for lying and for wanting them to check on her when she gave no indication of needing it and went out of her way to hide symptoms. For acting like no one had checked on her when Buck definitely did, when Buck would have kept checking if not for how he was brushed off.Â
He kept it all in.Â
The hospital staff let them stay a little past visiting hours, but eventually a nurse entered the room and pointedly mentioned that they all needed to go. Even Karen was not exempt.Â
Each of them took a turn hugging Hen.Â
Buck saw the way that Karen fussed over her. Their shared looks. He turned away as they leaned in for a kiss.Â
If you had that, how did you still feel so isolated?Â
Buck had never felt as good or as settled as when he was dating Tommy, but even then maybe he hadnât been enough. He hadnât reached out when he could.Â
Buck slipped away when he got a chance. Karen was walking with Athena. Chim had thrown an arm around Maddie. Eddie was walking next to them, talking to Chim like everything had already been resolved. In some ways, it had, hadnât it?Â
None of them even noticed he wasnât fully with them. He called himself an uber back to Athenaâs so he could pick up his car and went out a different exit.Â
As soon as heâd done that, Buck sent a text to Maddie so she wouldnât worry when she noticed he wasnât there. While he waited for his uber, he texted Ravi. Sent him a last update with Henâs diagnosis. Smiled at his response and let the smile fall when Ravi asked: âAre you okay?âÂ
Buck wished he could say yes.Â
He settled for, âIâm trying to be.âÂ
His mind went to broad shoulders, blue eyes, to a cleft chin, to a warm embrace, andâ
âEvan?âÂ
Buck turned. His heart was beating a little faster in his chest, it might have fallen out to rejoin the piece of it that Tommy carried.Â
âAre you â what are you doing here?âÂ
âHen,â Buck said.Â
He saw the immediate worry that flashed through Tommyâs eyes.Â
âSheâs okay. Sheâs â well, sheâs sick from her time in space but the doctors have a plan to help her.âÂ
âGood. Good. Thatâs good.âÂ
âYeah,â Buck breathed out. âWhat are youââ
âJust visiting a friend. But itâs good to see you. Are you doing anything now?âÂ
He glanced at his phone. The uber was arriving in four minutes. He looked back at Tommy.
âIâm free,â he said and then, remembering what Athena had said, âand I think Iâm ready to stop wasting any more time.âÂ
implying to your ex that you don't have feelings for him only to then yearn and suffer because you can't find anything as real with anyone else, lolzzz.
âWell, You Already Know Iâm Interestedâ @tommykinard6 - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
