[toskabi]

apparently i'm addicted to never learn from my mistakes

and disappoint everyone around me

[toskabi]

i really wanna die

[toskabi]

i cant keep living like this

[toskabi]

my head hurts, i've been crying all day

[toskabi]

it doesnt help, it doesnt matter "who" i am,

at the end of the day i still feel unwanted,

i still feel like she's the one you need,

she's the only one who makes you laugh like i always dreamed of,

she's the one you talk to all the time,

she's the one you prefer deep down.

and i wanna kill myself

[toskabi]

during this moments where we are so apart,

this times where you feel unsure,

you always go to her.

im left alone crying in the bed, in the bathroom floor,

curled up like a unsafe child,

wondering what do i have to do to be worthy

[toskabi]

it doesnt help, it doesnt matter "who" i am,

at the end of the day i still feel unwanted,

i still feel like she's the one you need,

she's the only one who makes you laugh like i always dreamed of,

she's the one you talk to all the time,

she's the one you prefer deep down.

and i wanna kill myself

[toskabi]

i've been thinking it would be better if i was dead.

if i died right now.

life's been too hard lately, it's been really complicated being sane with everything that's going on in my mind.

so many thoughts, so many wishes,

so many dreams of becoming someone healed, someone who doesn't need this much care,

someone who's not traumatized.

i wish i was someone else, and if i can't, i wish i was dead.

[toskabi]

"envy". something i can't scape.

i see people living life in a way i can't. i see people enjoying their day by day, people being in loving relationships, people buying stuff i always dreamed of having.

i'm happy for them, i really am... though i can't deny, at night, i always cry because i can't be them.

[toskabi]

why am i so jealous of her

[toskabi]

making mistakes

over and over and over again.

you're so patient,

but you don't deserve this.

i don't deserve you.

[toskabi]

when i thought my life was going better,

now that i met someone who truly loves me,

i can't help but keep being so fucking stupid.

every mistake that i do,

i'm afraid you'll get tired of me,

of waiting on me to become

good for you.

[toskabi]

it's so fucking wild how being loved the way you need it can actually heal you...

[echoesofsaturn]

as my final act of love, I will swallow every "please stay" and turn it into silence so you don't feel trapped by my ache

[toskabi]

why do i still expect so much from people that have shown they don't fucking care about me.

[toskabi]

its lowkey insane the fact that i need to actively talk to you while you keep on ignoring me, whichever the reason is.

believe me, i understand you needing your own space, but i fucking hate how you make it seem like i dont care at all

[toskabi]

if i disappeared

would you even care.

[toskabi]

why do i have this fucking need to stick to one person,

and base all my happiness in whatever they do with or to me.

why can't i function properly,

without needing anyone at all