Fanfiction by Touchstoneaf
touchstoneaf | Archive of Our Own

@theartofmadeline

titsay
macklin celebrini has autism

★
Monterey Bay Aquarium
YOU ARE THE REASON
will byers stan first human second
No title available
Noah Kahan
The Stonewall Inn
Fai_Ryy
Sweet Seals For You, Always
NASA
EXPECTATIONS

oozey mess

Origami Around
Cosimo Galluzzi
sheepfilms
RMH

bliss lane
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@touchstoneaf
Fanfiction by Touchstoneaf
touchstoneaf | Archive of Our Own
may have found the funniest possible thing ever in this essay on medieval sex laws im reading hold on
From Law, Sex, and Christian Society in Medieval Europe by James A. Brundage
This is how tiktok users decide if you deserve to die or not
Wait wait wait
You weren't allowed to be naked???
every time I always want to write a program to do the flowchart for you (if you don't know, a lot of early programming is taught as flowcharts (or at least used to be), so there's a natural flowchart->computer program connection already in my mind)
like it could ask you the yes/no questions, then you enter the date and it calculates if it's one of these dates when it's sin. and it'd be a fun research thing, you know? to go look up what exactly the rules are around those dates. it could be like an apple II program, since it's very simple.
plus you could hook it in with the penances for those sins! so it can also be used for reference. if you accidentally fucked your wife on a feast day, how bad as sin is that? do you gotta only eat bread and water for three years, stay off the ale for 6, and leave the country?¹ or do you just gotta stay on bread & water for a 100 days²?
but then sometimes you gotta realize that you're seriously considering writing BASIC software for Early Middle Ages catholic priests? based on a type of document that went out of favor IN THE TWELFTH CENTURY AD?
yeah I am. I just really like programming and religious miscellanea. this is awesome.
Penitential of Finnian (pdf link), what you gotta do if you kill your friend not out of hatred but because the devil made you do it.
Penitential of Cummean (link), what you gotta do if you puked somewhere and a dog ate it. Some other fun bits of Cummean: If a cleric fathers a child, they should do one year bread and water. Unless the child is a boy, then it's 7 years, get out the country, and no fucking! CHASTITY FOR SEVEN YEARS, CHURCHMAN! Speaking of clerics and not fucking: if a cleric "makes love to a woman [..] in his mind", that's 7 days penance on the bread and water. But if the reason it was only in your mind was because you asked her, and she said no? FORTY DAYS PENANCE, LOSER!
wait. if I'm reading Cummean right, you get less penance for masturbating with a friend than on your own. if "boys of twenty years" masturbate together, it's 20/40 days penance. but if a man masturbates alone, it's 100 days. Huh. I wouldn't guess that hanging out together was the way to make your masturbation less sinful.
Those are first offenses, of course. there's like, a scale you go up if you repeat it.
Also, everyone's favorite "used to be huge, now fallen out of the zeitgeist" type of sex makes an appearance: Intercrural sex! (aka thighjobs). Here called "femoral masturbation", a wild term I've not seen before today.
They're mentioned so they can be not as bad as sodomy. a thighjob with your bro is 100 days, then a year each time you do it again.
While sodomy starts at a year, goes up to two, then three, and then "if it becomes a habit" (and sodomy so easily can become a habit), seven years! and "a method of penance shall be added according to the judgment of this priest". Zero idea what that'd be.
they have a rule about what punishment there should be for if someone gives someone else a liquor "in which a mouse or a weasel is found dead". which seems a very specific situation to write down the rules for, but I don't know what it was like in 7th century Ireland. maybe this was a serious problem.
I think you have to do a penance if you have (either a sex dream or a nocturnal emission, I'm not 100% sure), but only if it's "willingly". I'm not really sure what they mean by that but it's another wild idea.
(the penance is singing, obviously)
(well, singing AND bread and water, but BREAD AND WATER! is the standard penance around here)
I was looking at Paenitentiale Umbrense in Latin and tossed it into google translate and got this:
"Likewise, he who commits this manly crime shall repent for four years"
I DON'T THINK ARCHBISHOP THEODORE OF CANTERBURY CIRCA 700 AD CALLED SODOMY A "MANLY CRIME", GOOGLE TRANSLATE!
I scrolled past "in femoribus" too fast and thought it said "in femboys". Gonna start telling people that's what femoribus means in latin; femboy. yeah, if you fucked a femboy in 7th century ireland, the penance was a year of bread and water.
BTW I just LOVE how they said "in femoribus". This is a translation from 1938! They're too shy to explain what "in femoribus" means, because that was a thing back in british/US academia in the day: you didn't translate anything relating to homosexuality, so that only Educated Men could read about it. We can't have just anyone knowing about thighjobs, you see.
"Of a wife who is a harlot, thus the same man explained"
I chimed in with a "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?"
first millenium germany had some wild problems
I made the program:
💬 0 🔁 3 ❤️ 9 · from that thread about when you're allowed to have sex with your wife as an Early Middle Ages Catholic, I have written an A
I tried to confirm some translation and the Vatican has some original manuscripts but they're a little hard to read
the other version is in Beneventan script? I very can't read that.
"He who is guilty of sodomy in its various forms shall do penance for four, three, or two years according to the nature of the offense."
they wouldn't translate the "three types of sodomy", but I can!
respectively they are:
Anal (four years)
Thighjob (three years)
Handjob/Masturbation (two years)
BTW bestiality ("He who sins with a dog or with an animal") is two years.
So apparently dogfucking is worse than a handjob but better than a thighjob or anal.
(this is from The Synod of the Grove of Victory. Cummean says oral is 4 years, so the same as anal)
BTW I'm not randomly being up bestiality for homophobic reasons, that's literally the verse above Sodomy. The verse above that is momfucking (three years AND you gotta go on a perpetual pilgrimage)
for reference, if a married man sees a naked woman, it's five days penance. unless he's in a bath with his wife and other women, and they all see each other, it's three days.
if an unmarried man sees a naked woman, it's only two days.
jkr is literally posting upskirt photos to her social media. when will it finally get through to harry potter fans that their support makes her feel confident and correct enough to do things like this
If the holocaust denialism SOMEHOW wasn't enough for you to shut up about your favourite kids book as an adult; JK Rowling just committed a sex crime IRL against a transgender woman.
When do we start to care.
‧₊˚♪ 𝄞₊˚⊹‧₊˚♪ 𝄞₊˚⊹
~I MISS MY BOYS SO BADD ૮◞ ‸ ◟ ა ~
People still be trying to make their Cyber trucks cool. Like the ones where they gussy them up with decals and otherwise nice-looking paint jobs that are just never gonna to look good no matter what they do, because let's be real; they're driving a fukkin trapezoid. They need to stop trying to make that shit work, because it's never gonna work any more than fetch did. You're still driving a fukkin glued-together bomb that you can't even run through the car wash without frying it. Fukkin joke.
jesus christ
They walked so others could run, etc etc... (and don't lie, Bill, we all know what you were doing). My childhood of learning to read subtext began here at 5 yo. As someone said in another reblog, all you had to do to understand the dynamic between these two and between the triad of them and McCoy was just to watch the last minute or two of every episode. Because it's all there. And, like, Jesus FUCK.
ICE is bigger and worse than ever, although the major media have stopped reporting on it. Not only is ICE’s reign of terror intimidating many undocumented immigrants and their families — preventing them from seeking the healthcare they need or attending school or going to court — but ICE is also sweeping into its maw many American citizens who are protesting Trump’s police state. Do not lose sight of this. More thoughts on how we should respond on my Substack (in my story).
Abolish ICE.
i am not joking we need to force teach cooking in schools. like. it is an essential thing for survival. do you know how easy it is to make things if you know even the bare bones shit about how cooking works. we need to teach teenagers how far you can take an onion and some other veggies it’’s sad that people grow up not knowing how to prepare literally anything. and i’m not talking about oh this home ed class taught me how to make chicken nuggets at home i’m talking about learning the balancing of sweetness and acidity and saltiness and bitterness and shit like that and techniques and oil temperatures and how meats cook. it needs to be taught because it’s literally not even that difficult and it matters so much
i truly believe that knowing how to cook is a basic survival concept and the fact that so many people can’t even make simple dishes is depressing as hell this is the sorta thing that should be taught at a young age. being able to take the ingredients you have around your home and turn them into a meal is like, essential and will make life so much better. you don’t need to be a high end chef you just need to understand some things that can be easily taught… but then again maybe the education system is playing a roll against this and ultimately they want you to grow up to rely on mcdonalds for dinner. i don’t know. please learn how to cook for yourself if you’re able. i’m not asking you to hunt for specific ingredients to make some expensive youtuber’s “best” recipe but if you know the basics of cooking you can do a lot with cheap canned ingredients. cooking can be affordable i promise you just need to learn how to make do with what you can get
Can anyone point me towards resources that teach those basics cus I would LOVE to teach my child this stuff but i dont know how to cook
not comprehensive but heres some:
internet shaquille’s basics but especially:
making rice
making scrambled eggs
making oatmeal
levels of cooking meat
using & storing vegetables with recipes in the description (this one has a bit of Sassiness directed at people who dont like vegetables but the content is solid)
food safety + a recipe to demonstrate
how to learn to cook (just a list of subtopics, no actual tips)
cooking techniques playlist
how to cut x
basics with babish s1 & 2, but particularly:
freezer meals,
weeknight meals,
kitchen tools (although the specific suggestions are pretty expensive even with the lower end scale items the basic categories are solid, and you can evaluate what items you will realistcially need - eg. if you dont need to read temp for steaks etc the temp reader will not be relevant) &
kitchen care (mid-high advanced home cooking)
basic knife skills
picking the right pan for each recipe
j. kenji lopez-alt’s tips and tricks playlist
egg recipes
a little more complicated, involved, and longer than any of the rest of these but good breakdown of flavor & how and why to use the basic seasoning/flavor profiles
and then recipe channels representing various cuisines:
j. kenji lopez-alt (various)
marion’s kitchen (southeast & east asian, western/asian fusion)
maangchi (korean)
future neighbor (mostly korean)
the western supermarket playlist of chinese cooking demystified (more recipes available but these are accessible if you dont have “specialty” ingredients)
family recipes playlist by made with lau (chinese)
not another cooking show (various)
cooking with boris (bear with me here i know he does it exaggeratedly humorously but a lot of them are actually solid and beginner cook friendly. mostly slavic/russian)
you suck at cooking (also falls into the intentionally humorous category but most of the recipes are pretty solid anyway)
how to cook that (baking, also does debunking videos of viral cooking hacks - breaks down the reasons the hacks dont work, pretty important to understand those basics imo)
internet shaquille (various)
babish culinary universe (various)
i REFUSE to recommended joshua weissman because he is fucking insufferable but if you want you can try if you can deal with it, the techniques/recipes seem fine for the most part
again definitely not a comprehensive list but it touches on most of the basics
I honestly recommend cookbooks for beginner cooks (they cost more than internet recipes, but you can get them used without too much agony.
Internet recipes are great, but they vary widely in explanation quality, which is fine if you know most of the techniques, but less so if you’re still learning. There’s an extra level of overall organization in edited cookbooks that I take for granted but that can be a lot of help if you’re starting out.
There’s a whole genre of cookbooks that are “for teens” or “for college students” which are specifically focused on new cooks without too many tools. Don’t be embarrassed to get one even if you are no longer a teen or a student. They’re just really useful.
My favourite is “Clueless in the Kitchen” by Evelyn Raab. It leads with a whole section on cooking and kitchen maintenence and it gives the recipes with minimal spices but with instructions about how to add or alter spices in a recipe, so you don’t get pummelled with huge numbers of herbs and spices to buy all at once. This copy is $4.
I once won a giveaway for a digital copy of Cooking Is Terrible by Mischa Fletcher, so I feel kind of obliged to try and convince people to buy a copy, but honestly it’s fun to read even if you’re not using it for its intended purpose: learning how to make a decently nutritious meal for not a lot of time, energy, or money.
This.
Chinese cooking demystified for all y'all diasporic folks whose parents didn’t teach you to cook the food they grew up with out of [their reasons] or transracially-adopted-Chinese kids or anyone who likes Chinese food as it is cooked in China . American expat Chris does most of the talking in the early videos while native Chinese Steph has been doing way more talking in recent episodes as she got more comfortable with it. Also their schnauzer is adorable. Plus interviews with Steph’s parents and in the kitchen videos of their favorite local restaurants. IIRC They’re located in Hubei but they cook across the vastness of the Chinese culinary landscape.
Rebloging for all the links and recommendations!!!
I never learned to cook because my father said that men are chefs and women cut salad (which at least I guess is misogynistic in a different way than a lot of other people got? Unfortunately he didn't really back it up very well. He could fry things and grill them and that was about it. And ruin cookies). I later came up with this (apparently false) working theory that you had to grow up cooking to know how to cook at all, and because of the lack I have lived a very unhealthy life when it comes to food. I like healthy food, I love Mediterranean food, but I simply cannot figure out how to make it taste the way I want it to. And then I hear these stories of people who learn to cook as adults & t baffles me. I'm lucky if I can keep myself alive. Thank you for this resource.
are american biscuits and scones the same thing?
no, they're different
yes, they're the same
settling a debate, reblog for reach
Here’s the necessary clarification for non-USAmericans who are confused by how confidently USAmericans are claiming these are not the same thing: American biscuits are almost identical to British scones. But not American scones. Behold the continuum:
American biscuits:
These are layered quick breads. They are almost always baked in a round shape, and when they're not, they're baked square; you will pretty much never see a triangular American biscuit. They’re usually made with buttermilk, which gives them a nice slightly tangy flavor. They’re not at all sweet on their own, but they’re also not particularly savory, and as a result, they’re a bit of a blank slate: they pair well with butter and jam, but alternatively, they pair equally well with a savory sausage gravy. There are recipes that are firmly on the savory side by virtue of adding cheddar cheese to the dough, but in those cases, people will usually specify “cheese biscuits” or “cheddar biscuits”. American biscuits can be a breakfast food, or a lunch food, or a dinner food, all about equally.
British scones:
These are very similar to American biscuits, but a little bit lighter, and noticeably sweeter. You can have these with butter and jam (or, more likely, clotted cream and jam), but unlike American biscuits, I’d never dream of serving them with anything savory like a sausage gravy. You will sometimes see bits of dried fruit, like currants or dried blueberries, baked into them, but this isn't all that common, and it's basically the extent of weird baked-in flavorings. You will sometimes see these baked into a triangle shape, but more commonly, they are round. They’re great as a breakfast food, but they’re better with an afternoon tea; you’d probably never see them as the accompaniment to a hearty, savory dinner.
American scones:
American scones are denser, sweeter, and significantly more buttery than British scones, without the more clearly defined layers that British scones have. They are almost always baked in a triangle shape, and only very rarely baked round. American scones come in a variety of flavorings – it's not uncommon to find pumpkin spice scones, double chocolate scones, lemon strawberry scones, blueberry scones with fresh blueberries baked right in, etc. It's also not uncommon to find them glazed, like a doughnut (but usually slightly less so). You do not typically top these with butter or jam, or indeed, with anything – they are eaten as-is, as an accompaniment to coffee or tea. They are mostly a breakfast food, though they may occasional feature at an afternoon tea, if someone even has one of those, which in the States, people mostly don't.
American cookies:
American cookies are exclusively a sweet dessert. They are often baked soft, and best eaten warm, although they're perfectly fine to eat cooled, and you can certainly find shelf-stable cookies in stores (which are usually hard, rather than soft, see eg. Chips Ahoy). Oatmeal raisin cookies come the closest to the place that American scones leave off, and it isn't very close. All sorts of flavorings and mixed in bits are common, although chocolate and nuts are more popular mix-in additions than dried fruit. Glazes are fairly uncommon, but not unheard of. The archetypal accompaniment for American cookies is a glass of milk, although they're perfectly nice to enjoy with tea or coffee. They are not, however, a breakfast food. Americans do consider shortbread and gingerbread to both be types of cookies, but if you refer to "cookies" in the abstract, those aren't what people typically think of.
British biscuits:
British biscuits are like American cookies, but pretty much always hard and served at room temperature. I've even heard the opinion that a British biscuit should always be "crisp", with softness as a sign that a biscuit isn't fresh. Americans are familiar with this style of treat, and generally think of British biscuits as "the type of cookies that you get in a tin" – they're very much a thing in America, but they're considered a smaller and much less popular subset of the broader "cookie" category. Like American cookies, these are often eaten as a dessert, but they are much more commonly seen as an accompaniment to tea than the American cookie is.
Tl;dr: This is like an even more complicated version of the crisps/chips/fries thing, I’m afraid. We're simply talking about different things.
Oh my gosh, I'm so EXCITED!!!!
Just finally watched "Deep Breath", and the thing that tickles me most about it is that all these people who spend all this time trying to say that the Doctor was more in love with Madame du Pompadour than he was in love with Rose... and then he doesn't remember a single thing about that woman, even as his memories of himself begin to come back. Granted there was over a thousand years in between for him... but honestly, I have to say that kind of undermines that argument to me!
DW peeps, HALP!! My slow-burning desire to watch the movie with Eight in it is growing to the point where I can't hold it back anymore. Does anybody know where I can access that to watch it?! Something about the way he looks (AND HIS SMILE, AND THAT *HAIR*!!!) makes me desperate to watch it, see what his personality is like. Descriptions and pictures are definitely not enough!
so one of the largest open source data communities on the internet, data.world, got bought out by a company called ServiceNow, who has decided to fucking delete all of it by July 11th. they've given users barely any notice, no emails, just a fucking banner at the top and a blog post from June that gives barely a month to download your data before they fucking delete it all.
a bunch of archives of incredibly important government datasets like maternal mortality statistics are about to be deleted forever. in a regime where they're known to fudge numbers, we can't trust a lot of the data coming from them to not be altered. open source backups like those found on data.world are vital to being able to verify that the data coming from our government is still intact and not altered. and they're about to delete all of it.
i don't know if we need to start a petition or what. nobody seems to fucking care. there are millions of users on data.world and yet nobody is raising the alarm bells and it makes me feel like I'm going insane. somebody needs to do something. i don't know what to do. it feels like more and more of this world is being destroyed and dismantled. it's not only US centric data, either! it's all sorts of countries from around the world! and they're about to fucking delete everything.
the only things that won't be deleted are private companies who happen to use the paid version of their platform (which isn't accessible data to the open source community; some people have just been using their service to host their own data on privately)
and the kicker? this announcement was made... via an AI generated blog post. so not even any sort of human touch. just a generic, soulless announcement made by a soulless human about to take a wrecking ball to one of the more important websites that exists on the internet.
an example of some of the things that will be deleted on July 11th:
Have you posted this to r/datahoarder? They would probably be most prepared for preservation efforts on such a short time frame
I haven't, I don't really have a reddit anymore. if somebody else would be willing to do that, that would be great. I'm pretty sure it only lets you post with a certain amount of karma now which is annoying
It looks like this has gotten onto Reddit and people are saving the data - but I can imagine researchers who uploaded assets won’t know this, so hopefully can reach some.
Related to my previous tags
https://www.re3data.org
There are over 3500 respectable data repositories on one respectable global registry; to a researcher there’s no point in data existing if not findable; if you’re trying to find a new home for your dataset, start there
Home | re3data.org
One of the easiest things to write for me is the complete simp of a male character absolutely rapsodizing about the love interest they've elevated to some sort of godhead. I eat that shit up like candy and writing it is so much fun.